Dancing with the Stars (U.S. TV series)
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“At last, Donny, we've taken over America! Now let's distract everyone while we piss on Pushing Daisies”
Dancing with the Stars is a ABC reality television program which lasted one season, and was co-hosted by Tom Bergeron and Tom Bergeron.
The show featured celebrity contestants and paired them with professional astronauts. Each pair had to attempt landing on the Sun. Pairs were voted out by viewer voting after the end of each episode, and the results were shown on next week's show.
It was called Dancing with the Stars after the following quote:
“One who burns to death near the sun is truly dancing with the stars.”
Episode 1 showed the professional astronauts training their celebrity partners for space flight. This process took several months, but the footage was heavily edited to make it appear that the training was completed in one day. The phone numbers were given for each pair, and viewers were encouraged to vote for their favorite.
In Episode 2, the seven pairs were launched in six individual space shuttles. Hilary Clinton and Jeff Foxworthy's shuttle exploded on take off, killing both contestants. It is widely believed that their shuttle was sabotaged because they were voted for the least. ABC has stated that "it was just a coincidence" and "no one was meant to be harmed" even though the pair's "professional astronaut" was not really an astronaut at all, but comedian Jeff Foxworthy. The footage was edited to show that they were told to leave since they had been voted off, even though it was obvious they were not the same two people.
In Episode 3, Tom Cruise and William C. McCool's shuttle exploded trying to get through the atmosphere. ABC again stated that it was just a coincidence that they had been the least voted for, and that "no one was meant to be harmed by the cut fuel lines".
In Episode 4, the rest of the contestants, died slowly and painfully as they tried to approach the sun. The extreme heat boiled their skin and melted their internal organs until the shuttles finally exploded. ABC stated "No contestant was meant to be harmed by attempting to land on the sun".
The rest of the episodes consisted of Tom Bergeron and Tom Bergeron making lame, scripted jokes and encouraging people to vote for their favorite contestants even though they were all dead. Tom Bergeron and Tom Bergeron also spent a great deal of time trying to convince people that they were still alive by showing people obviously photoshopped pictures of the contestants on the sun. Polls showed that most people believed the contestants to still be alive, because people are stupid.
First pair eliminated because Jeff Foxworthy was the "professional astronaut" of the pair and wasn't actually an astronaut. Also, Hilary Clinton needed to freak out anyway.
Tom Cruise - William C. McCool
Second pair eliminated because Scientology threatened to sue ABC if they didn't cut the fuel lines killing Tom Cruise. It is widely believed that Tom Cruise had found out about the Xenu story. Scientology assumed that Tom Cruise was running away, but in fact he was trying to prove the story by bringing Xenu's loyal officers back from the sun.
Tom Bergeron - Buzz Aldrin
Killed while attempting to land on the sun.
Note: Tom Bergeron was the host, the host, and also a contestant.
Adolf Hitler - Aleksandr Ivanchenkov
Killed while attempting to land on the sun. Although the pair may have killed each other after a Nazism vs. Communism debate, or after an argument where Hitler was trying to convince Ivanchenkov to turn around and land at the Secret Nazi Moon base.
Killed while attempting to land on the sun. Samuel L. Jackson may have been responsible for the destruction of their shuttle before anyone else's because he was preoccupied making sure no snakes had gotten on board the space craft.
John F. Kennedy - Sally Ride
Killed while attempting to land on the sun. How JFK really died.
Oscar Wilde - John Glenn
Killed while attempting to land on the sun, the only thing more flaming than Oscar.
Plath stuck her head into the ship's oven, and turned the gas on, causing the ship to explode. Both died. Lara Croft's burned vagina was last seen floating in the middle of frickin' nowhere. Sylvia Plath survived, and donated her organs to Sarah Palin's Alaskan polar bear sex clan.
“They paired me with Jeff Foxworthy. He's not even an astronaut, seriously. Did they want me to die?!”
“Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity”
“Wonder what my theatan will be in my next life? Mabye an intergalactic walrus! Hail Xenu!”
“That sun is lookin' good... and hot! Get it? Hilarious! My joke writers are awesome.”
“If they dropped some Zyklon B in the space shuttle before it burnt up in the sun, I'd know exactly how the Jews felt!”
“That's it! I'm tired of these motherf**kin' snakes on this motherf**kin' space shuttle!”
“You people thought it was Lee Harvey Oswald who killed me all this time, it was the freaking sun! The sun! ... and the CIA.”
“The sun is hot. It burns my eyes. I'll kill your wife. I fuck french fries. And so is said, from the heart of my skull, be it may, I'll suck your roll for a dime, not more. This show is rigged, I can't be gone. I'll slit your throats, be it so wrong!”
“Bloody fucking hell! Bloody shit fuck ass pussy tits cocksucking hell! I'll be back...IN THE NEXT VIDEO GAME! WITH MAJOR BOOBAGE! SUCK IT QUEEN ELIZABETH! 'Scuse me while I shoot this puppy.”
ABC announced that if they can have the charges of murder cleared, they may air a second season. Both Tom Bergeron and Tom Bergeron said they are willing to host at least one more season. Contestants include Sarah Palin, Haruhi Suzumiya, Poison Ivy, and the cast of Dynasty Warriors. No other information has been released. Note: The season was so horrible it was rumored to cause the dancers head asplosions, causing them to use robot holograms.