Dan Hibiki

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Japanese martial artist Go Hibiki and his wife, Stop, decided one day that they wanted a child. Since neither one knew that sexual intercourse created babies, however, conventional methods were out of the question. Deciding to make do with what materials were readily available and working with what little common sense they had between them, the couple abducted and beheaded a local white-looking child molester named Ryo Sakazaki. They then lured their illegal alien landscaper Robert Garcia into the garage with a trail of Skittles and did the same. The next morning, after a messy night with a sewing machine, Garcia's head was successfully grafted to Ryo's body and Dan Hibiki was born as a fully-grown man.

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Dan on one of his better days

edit The Death of Go

Not long after Dan's birth, Go was contacted by his talent agent about auditions for an American sitcom called Full House. Painfully low on money (The family had been living off of bricks thrown through their windows by neighborhood children.), Go decided that the opportunity was too good to pass up. Scraping together what little funding they had, Go departed and soon found himself in America at the Full House auditions. It was while waiting in line here that he ran afoul of Bob Saget. Once the two locked eyes an intense hatred brewed, and within seconds the two were locked in a fight to the death. Go caught Saget by surprise by punching him in the face with such force as to put out his left eye. Unfortunately, even Go's finely honed martial arts skills were no match for the pure power of Saget's unfunniness. One touch was all it took for Go's humor, and soon his life, to be drained from his body and into Saget's. After a quick stop at a mask shop, Go's ghost returned to sue the studio and Saget, and the resulting settlement allowed his family to move out of their 3-story corrugated cardboard home and into a decent, mongoose-free home. But monetary reperations weren't enough to satisfy Dan, who swore on his life to train in the martial arts and one day take his revenge on Saget. (Saget grew a new eye soon after the incident, whom he named Bootblack.)

edit Dan's Training

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Here, Dan is showing Ken who's the man.

Dan set off to find the fabled martial arts master Gouken, the man his father trained under. After three days full of hamster rides and ravine-jumping Dan found Gouken's dojo and applied for training. Upon initial inspection it was discovered that Dan possessed the fabled Chest Hair of Power, a blessing that bestows the bearer with a nearly infinite amount of energy. In order to keep Dan's immense power from consuming him whole like so much cobbler Gouken gave him the black Tank Top of Sealing, which both brought his powers down to standard level and covered the scraggly mess on Dan's chest. Despite having his abilities hindered Dan proved to be an excellent student, quickly surpassing Gouken's other 2 students Ryu and Ken. Dan's training came to an abrupt end one day, however, when Ryu and Ken accused his mother of being a subpar zepplin pilot, a crime widely known to be punishable by death in Japan. Dan retaliated with a string of profanities with the power to stop the hearts of small woodland creatures and the elderly, and when caught by master Gouken he was thrown out of the dojo with bars of soap shoved as far as they would go down his throat and anus. This inadvertently led to the creation of the Dove Soap company. Dan soon recovered and set out on a journey to hone his skills in his newly created martial art Saikyou-ryuu (or "Way of the Drunken Paraplegic War Veteran").

edit Lightish Red

It is widely thought that Dan wears a pink gi in honor of his favorite musician, Kirby. While Dan is in fact a big Kirby fan, this is not at all the case. Dan's gi was originally the standard white worn by all generic martial artists who appear in the backgrounds of shampoo commercials. It was only when Stop accidentally threw her red good-luck red dye in the wash with Dan's gi that it changed colors to its now-famous pink. Dan was so outraged by this development that he engaged Stop in a bloody 5-hour The Game match, which resulted in her death. Not long after this, though, Dan decided he liked the new color and Stop recovered.

edit Trivia

  • Dan is a recovering kitten huffer.
  • Despite being born in Asia, Dan is not an intellectual.
  • Despite being mostly white, Dan has no desire to molest children or commit incest.
  • Due to a clerical error, the name on Dan's birth certificate is Tastycakes.
  • In 2019, Dan traveled back in time to Wrestlemania 14 (1998) and gave Shawn Michaels a weak ass gadoken in order to prevent him from retaining his title, However HHH gave him over 9000 pedigrees, Stone cold won that match that day.
  • Dan fucked up the universe by beating Akuma, CANONICALLY.
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