Dali Lama

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
Line 1: Line 1:
[[Image:DaliLlama.jpg|thumb|right|The Dali Llama]]
 
{{title|Dali Llama}}
 
{{about|the secret U.S. government project|the spiritual leader|His Holiness, the Dalai Lama}}
 
Created by a joint effort between [[surrealism|surrealist]] artist [[Salvador Dali]] and the US government during the end of [[World War II]], the '''Dali Lama Project''' infused the genes of a standard llama with a whole bunch of crazy [[shit]] like chairs, Charles Jeynes and a vial of LSD. The things that went into this creation are so effulgent that the list remains classified to this day.
 
   
This lack of classification only fuels conspiracy theorists, who claim that The Dali Lama was actually a [[clone]] of Dali's [[moustache-o-meter|'stache]] crossed with the clone of a standard military grade llama. [[Joseph McCarthy]] suspects that this llama is a communist Jew in the [[Defense Department]].
+
Buddhism is a religion indigenous to the Indian subcontinent that encompasses a variety of traditions, beliefs, and practices largely based on teachings attributed to Siddhartha Gautama, who is commonly known as the Buddha (meaning "the awakened one" in Sanskrit and Pāli). The Buddha lived and taught in the eastern part of the Indian subcontinent some time between the 6th and 4th centuries BCE.[1] He is recognized by Buddhists as an awakened or enlightened teacher who shared his insights to help sentient beings end suffering (dukkha) through eliminating ignorance (avidyā) by way of understanding and seeing dependent origination (pratītyasamutpāda) and eliminating craving (taṇhā), and thus attain the highest happiness, nirvāņa (nirvana).[2] Two major branches of Buddhism are recognized: Theravada ("The School of the Elders") and Mahayana ("The Great Vehicle"). Theravada has a widespread following in Sri Lanka and Southeast Asia. Mahayana is found throughout East Asia and includes the traditions of Pure Land, Zen, Nichiren Buddhism, Tibetan Buddhism, Shingon, and Tiantai (Tendai). In some classifications, Vajrayana—practiced mainly in Tibet and Mongolia, and adjacent parts of China and Russia—is recognized as a third branch, while others classify it as a part of Mahayana. There are other categorisations of these three Vehicles or Yanas.[3] While Buddhism remains most popular within Asia, both branches are now found throughout the world. Estimates of Buddhists worldwide vary significantly depending on the way Buddhist adherence is defined. Lower estimates are between 350–500 million.[4][5][6] Buddhist schools vary on the exact nature of the path to liberation, the importance and canonicity of various teachings and scriptures, and especially their respective practices.[7] Two of the most important teachings are dependent origination and no-self. The foundations of Buddhist tradition and practice are the Three Jewels: the Buddha, the Dharma (the teachings), and the Sangha (the community). Taking "refuge in the triple gem" has traditionally been a declaration and commitment to being on the Buddhist path and in general distinguishes a Buddhist from a non-Buddhist.[8] Other practices may include following ethical precepts; support of the monastic community; renouncing conventional living and becoming a monastic; the development of mindfulness and practice of meditation; cultivation of higher wisdom and discernment; study of scriptures; devotional practices; ceremonies; and in the Mahayana tradition, invocation of buddhas and bodhisattvas.
 
What historians do know, is that the Dali Lama became the [[high|highest]] [[llama]] after he graced [[Himalaya]]n mountaintops. People enjoyed his skill at projecting himself from one peak to the next so much that they fed him some [[magic mushrooms]]. They wanted to know how he did that thing he did and gave him the title of the Dali Lama.
 
 
The Dali Lama is not to be confused with the [[Dolly Llama]], the only stuffed animal ever produced by the country of [[Peru]].
 
 
== On the Process of Choosing a New Dali Lama (a personal account) ==
 
 
"Yup," said Moshe. "It's definitely turning green."
 
 
"Are you sure this is accurate?" I asked him for maybe the twelfth time. "I don't see how peeing [[on a stick]] can - "
 
 
"Yes, Aaron, I'm sure. Who's the mathematician here, you or me? You are, without a doubt, the 451st incarnation of the Dali Lama."
 
 
"This doesn't make any sense," I insisted. "How can I be the Dali Lama? I'm not [[Tibet]]an. I've never even lived outside [[Ohio]]."
 
 
"Who said you had to be Tibetan?" Moshe replied easily. "It's obvious that, some time ago, the lamas made a mistake on who the new Dali was, and that mistake has been perpetuated ever since. The real Dali Lama kept getting incarnated farther and farther away, until he ended up here in Daton. As you."
 
 
"Yes, I know as me. I mean, not as me, since the whole thing is stupid. Why would my soul leave a stain on a stick?"
 
 
"It's a treated stick," said Moshe. "Everything is precisely calibrated, using the numerical value of your name, your mother's name, and the position of the stars here, on Alpha Centauri IV, and in Tibet, and the length and circumference of your Johnson and Johnson. Trust me, man, [[You don't know what you're doing|I know what I'm doing]]. I didn't spend seventeen years at mathematician school to not be able to make a pee-stick."
 
 
Gruhh, I know I can't beat him in this sort of argument. "Okay, I'm the frigging Dali Lama. What do you expect me to do about it?"
 
 
"What choice do you have? You're going to have to defeat the faux-Dali Lama in a [[How to pretend you're not Mexican|Mexican-style]] wrestling match, broadcast live on at the very least public-access television."
 
 
"What? Why Mexican-style?" That wasn't a tenth of my questions, but when someone says something that astonishing you just do what you can.
 
 
Moshe gave an exasperated sigh, and opened up a notebook full of numbers and mysterious symbols. "It's all here. I figured it out after breakfast."
 
 
For some reason, none of the local press seemed much interested in my grudge match with the current Dali Lama, but it went over huge in [[Japan]]. Of course, [[China]] threatened a nuclear strike against the Land of the Rising Sun for printing anything about it at all, and they went through with it, but Japan just made a bunch more movies likening nuclear attacks to giant ejaculations and monster-creating rays and things were pretty much business as usual. I ended up throwing eggs at the windows of the Tibetan Government-in-Exile until Mr. Lama agreed to meet me.
 
 
I wore a red latex mask and a spandex suit that said "El Guapo Negro" on it in red-on-black lettering that I had screenprinted a half hour before. The kind, smiling Dali Lama came in surrounded by a few kind, smiling aides. "I will destroy you!" I shouted. "Flores por los muertos!" Then I bodyslammed him. The Dali Lama responded by running up the wall, somersaulting, and landing on my shoulders. That didn't hurt so much as the ear-biting.
 
 
"Foul!" Moshe screamed. "I move that the Dali Lama be banned from further tourneys, and fined one million, twenty five thousand, three hundred and ninety-one dollars and a gold doubloon made from his fillings!"
 
 
"Movement granted," said [[Mills Lane]], pounding his gavel on a [[cat]], which meowed. The former Dali Lama was dragged off me, and tossed into a shallow part of the Indian Ocean where he cursed and spit a lot, for some reason in [[French]].
 
 
"Aaron Fuckface, by the power invested in me by the Alpha Centurians, I now pronounce you the true Dali Lama," Mills Lane said solemnly. "Now let's get it on."
 
 
We did, and it was the most magical night of our lives.
 
 
==See also==
 
*[[Voidism]]
 
 
==External links==
 
*[http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/62500/Obama-Dalai-Lama--62970.jpg His excellency, The Dalai Lama]. His good friends call him by his first name: THE
 
 
{{Not Enough Pictures}}
 
 
[[Category:Mammals]]
 
[[Category:Military of the United States]]
 
[[Category:Art]]
 
[[Category:Religious leaders]]
 
[[Category:Things That Smell]]
 
[[Category:Llamas]]
 

Revision as of 09:31, November 16, 2012

Buddhism is a religion indigenous to the Indian subcontinent that encompasses a variety of traditions, beliefs, and practices largely based on teachings attributed to Siddhartha Gautama, who is commonly known as the Buddha (meaning "the awakened one" in Sanskrit and Pāli). The Buddha lived and taught in the eastern part of the Indian subcontinent some time between the 6th and 4th centuries BCE.[1] He is recognized by Buddhists as an awakened or enlightened teacher who shared his insights to help sentient beings end suffering (dukkha) through eliminating ignorance (avidyā) by way of understanding and seeing dependent origination (pratītyasamutpāda) and eliminating craving (taṇhā), and thus attain the highest happiness, nirvāņa (nirvana).[2] Two major branches of Buddhism are recognized: Theravada ("The School of the Elders") and Mahayana ("The Great Vehicle"). Theravada has a widespread following in Sri Lanka and Southeast Asia. Mahayana is found throughout East Asia and includes the traditions of Pure Land, Zen, Nichiren Buddhism, Tibetan Buddhism, Shingon, and Tiantai (Tendai). In some classifications, Vajrayana—practiced mainly in Tibet and Mongolia, and adjacent parts of China and Russia—is recognized as a third branch, while others classify it as a part of Mahayana. There are other categorisations of these three Vehicles or Yanas.[3] While Buddhism remains most popular within Asia, both branches are now found throughout the world. Estimates of Buddhists worldwide vary significantly depending on the way Buddhist adherence is defined. Lower estimates are between 350–500 million.[4][5][6] Buddhist schools vary on the exact nature of the path to liberation, the importance and canonicity of various teachings and scriptures, and especially their respective practices.[7] Two of the most important teachings are dependent origination and no-self. The foundations of Buddhist tradition and practice are the Three Jewels: the Buddha, the Dharma (the teachings), and the Sangha (the community). Taking "refuge in the triple gem" has traditionally been a declaration and commitment to being on the Buddhist path and in general distinguishes a Buddhist from a non-Buddhist.[8] Other practices may include following ethical precepts; support of the monastic community; renouncing conventional living and becoming a monastic; the development of mindfulness and practice of meditation; cultivation of higher wisdom and discernment; study of scriptures; devotional practices; ceremonies; and in the Mahayana tradition, invocation of buddhas and bodhisattvas.

Personal tools
projects