Dalek Fred

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This article was grown from a cell of Davros's body.
Only a human-timelord metacrisis can remedy this.
Doctor Who character
Dalekfred
Galek Bread
Dalek Fred
Race Dalek
Home planet Skaro
Portrayed by Voice
Nicholas Briggs
Operators
Barnaby Edwards
Nicholas Pegg
Anthony Spargo
Dan Barratt
David Hankinson

Dalek Fred is an actor from the planet Skaro best known for his portrayal of Gandalf in The Lord Of The Rings films, and playing the part of himself in the fourth series of the revival of Doctor Who. A spin-off series, Hot Rod Cow (an anagram of 'Ow, Hot Cord!'), in which Dalek Fred will be playing a lead role alternately fighting and having sex with aliens in Cardiff using a "very special plunger attachment", has been confirmed for 2010. A member of the Dalek race, Fred is famous for being the Dalek who shot the The Doctor, causing the biggest cliffhanger this side of The Rift.

Early life

Dalek Fred was created from one of Davros's liver cells. The fact that Davros's liver was practically destroyed by his drinking problem of the early 80's meant that Dalek Fred had a problem with slurring his words in his childhood which continued well into his adolescence. As a result he was picked on at school, acquiring nicknames such as 'Galek Bread'. Dalek Fred eventually married and had a child, named David in remembrance of the tenth incarnation of the Doctor, whom he had always admired for his dashing hair and cute Scottish accent.

Dalek Life

Fred spent most of his life as a dalek (except of course for his brief stint stripping in Mondas). Fred was an active member of the Dalek community often participating in the many dalek games (Exterminate the leader, Seek, locate and Exterminate Waldo, and Scrabble) After Attack formation 7, Fred was on his way to a stag do for Dalek Robert who was getting married to Fred's sister Ann Widdecombe.

Dalek Fred has at least one sibling - Dalek Hans - who also made a cameo in the Season 4 finale as "German Dalek #2".

'The Ultimate Victory'

It is generally accepted that Dalek Fred got lost while on his way to perform Attack Formation 7 along with two other Daleks. (It is speculated that Dalek Bob took his place in order to complete this formation.) This is a specialised manoeuvre, designed for attacking semi-detached houses in London suburbia. The fact that this race of intergalactic conquerors have actually devised a specific method for blowing up bits of Camden is testament to the thoroughness of Dalek war planning. The fact that this strategy comes seventh in order of usefulness is testament to the fact that Russell T Davies' episodes are always set in semi-detached houses in London.

Later (after a slight detour lasting approximately 8 minutes in screen-time) Dalek Fred happened to end up on the same street as the Doctor. Seizing his chance whilst the Doctor was preoccupied in a slow-motion running scene lifted directly from Chariots of Fire, Fred appeared from behind a parked car, where he had been lurking having a quick smoke, and exterminated the tenth incarnation of the Doctor.

Some experts on Fredology uphold that he was attempting to exterminate Rose Tyler but accidentally hit the Doctor in one side, because Dalek Fred seemed to have some sort of complex about her: he once described her as a "f***ing chav."

Death

He was subsequently killed off by the gay celebrity John Barrowman, played by the 51st Century con-man from the 1940's (or possibly vice versa) Captain Jack Harkness. Dalek Fred will be honoured both by his father, Davros, and by his mother, Mamros (also known as "the Whore of Babylon 5") in a charity concert organised by Brian May of Queen, the planning of which is currently underway.

Fred is not to be confused with Dalek Frank, who is a pathetic wannabe. He is in fact the Dalek who in "Parting of the Ways" missed the Doctor by a mile, even though they were in the same TARDIS. Amongst other Daleks Frank is now always called by the nickname Dalek "couldn't hit a cow's arse with a baseball bat the size of Belgium" Frank.

Survival?

It is rumoured that Fred survived the attack by ducking down into his dalek shell, much like a tortoise might have done. It is also rumoured that Fred faked his own death for the insurance. His fate remains unknown, though it is rumoured that he actually died and that all the other rumours are just rumours and have no truth to them, including this one.

Involvement in Missions

On January 1st 2007 Dalek Fred was promoted from private to mission lackey and was allowed to start going out on missions. He has been involved in many of the Daleks' most frightening and ominous missions, some of these include The Ominous Mission of Ominous Doom, Painting Caans Bedroom Ceiling (not the most appealing of names, but I think it works) and, of course, Mission 7.

Mission 7

No one talks of Mission 7.

The speculation around Mission 7 has been, and, it is speculated, will be, mere speculation for an (as yet) unconfirmed length of time. It must be emphasised that at this point anything said about the speculations can only be speculated upon. The Daleks as a group do not like to speculate about, with, by, from or next to the aforementioned speculations, but what is certain is that you don’t want to speculate about it.

Dude, stop talking about mission 7!

Attack Formations One Through Six

Dalek popemobile

Davros, creator of the Dalek Race, celebrates The Doctors apparent demise.

As found on page 502 of section 5(iii)C-Alpha-Fizz-Buzz of the Second Edition Reprint Dalek Book Of Unarmed Exterminational Combat (and 101 Other Short Stories), all Daleks must learn these 6 attack formations within the first week of training. Each formation is undertaken when a random Dalek shouts "Attack Formation" and then says the number of the formation he wishes to be carried out. More senior Daleks are able to perform over 1000 such attack formations.

One - Ten Daleks form a pyramid on top of one another. The highest-ranking Dalek then asks to be given a D, an A, an L, an E, and a K, and the Daleks beneath him reply with 'D', 'A', 'L', 'E', and 'K' (respectively.) Many strategists have pointed to this strategy as evidence that Daleks spell differently from other species, for when it is asked what this combination of letters spells they respond by shouting "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!" and killing everyone.

Two - Daleks stream from the sky and kill everything in sight in traditional Doctor Who OTT fashion. The very existence of this formation is mere rumor as all deaths happen off-screen.

Three - Also known as 'Catwalk'. Several Daleks walk (or, more accurately, slide) in a line, shaking their 'booty'.

Four - Three Daleks burst into a public supply depot, known to primitive life-forms as a 'grocery', wearing nothing but women's stockings (with holes cut out for their eye-stalks.) One of the Daleks then points its gun arm at the cashier in a threatening manner and performs Shouting Routine 4. The other two cram as much as they can onto their sucker arms (eyewitnesses claim that Daleks do not use bags marked '$', contrary to the hundred of depictions of Daleks doing so in popular media - these are simply stereotypical and racist.) They then proceed to skedaddle in the hope that the cashier does not call the cops, and the resulting surplus in vegetable matter is converted into compost for use in the Dalek rose garden.

Five - This is a common one-Dalek manoeuver. A Dalek will intimidate a group of people including a middle-aged woman and her biological father. When the paint-ball is fired the Dalek IN-CIN-ER-ATES the offending splodge before EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING everyone with the name Wilf. Someone else proceeds to throw an egg at him. Cancel manoeuver. It's an egg, he's screwed. (A joke in Dalek culture goes that this is not the case if the Dalek in question has the ability of being able to EGG-STER-MIN-ATE. Apparently they find this immensely funny.)

Six - A group of Daleks take human form as an attractive blonde woman called Rose and seduce the Doctor. According to the plan, they then nuke him and his precious Earth, but it has often been noted that the more common sequence of events ends in 'rampant Dalek sex' with the Doctor, often involving Plunger Use Number Eight ('The Sucker'.) It is for this reason that Dalek Attack Formation Six is by far and away the most popular of all.

Dalek Fred The Motion Picture

In May 2008 it was announced that Steven Spielberg and Hugh Jackman would be starring in a biopic about Fred's life story. William Shatner has expressed a lot of interest in starring as himself, with Dick Van Dyke playing Davros (and the voice of his chair), and David Tennant has been confirmed as playing a poor actor who signs up to play an out of work actor who gets the part of playing "The Doctor" in a film which David Tennant signed up to star in, playing himself. Dalek Steve will be played by Dalek Bob. Dalek Fred himself will be played by Dalek Steve. Rumours are circulating that Dalek Caan will be played by Dalek KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.
It is at this time unconfirmed who will play Cyberman Paul, although the two front-runners for the role are Paul McGann and Tom DeLonge. Oscar Wilde is rumored to be scripting the movie, but he rubbished the rumors, calling them "rubbish." The movie will air the same time as the episode called 'Cybermen United'.

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