Dale Carnegie

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Dale Carnegie (originally Carnaghay until 1922 and possibly somewhat later) (November 24, 1888 – November 1, 1955) was an American philosopher, writer and minor deity. He began life in 1888, the son of a penniless farming couple, Joseph and Mary Carnegie. Unable to afford to have proper sex, Joseph and Mary had brought young Dale into the world by weaving together their toenail clippings with a string-like solid manifestation of their tragic poverty, creating a genetic lattice; and leaving it outside during an electrical storm surrounded with test tube racks and Van de Graaff generators they had borrowed from a nearby fertility clinic.

Despite his humble beginnings, Dale Carnegie went on to achieve fame and wealth. There is no reason to doubt reports that at age seven, whilst wrestling the Lizo-tron (a gigantic robot composed of sixty tyrannosaurs) he reverse-engineered the human personality algorithm. He published this efficient 290-page COBOL program a week later, under the title “How to Get What You Want, Despite Being a Selfish, Undeserving Weasel, by Pretending to Make Friends with the Human Filth you Associate With”.

When he was twenty-nine years old he revealed himself to be the reincarnation of American super-hero George Washington, by tearing up the Eiffel Tower and hurling it into the sky, spearing the mothership of an otherwise unstoppable force of invading aliens. He now lives in cryo-stasis, awaiting the time that his country needs him again.

edit The Dale Carnegie Course

The Dale Carnegie Course is a twelve-week programme which aims to develop Washington-like powers in ordinary people willing to pay the $2500 entry fee. Participants punch the air yelling about how fantastic they are going to become, cry, and festoon each other with coloured ribbons whilst pretending to be the Angry Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. Yes, really. While no real super powers have ever been proven to have manifested as a direct result of the course, participants come away with a much higher level of self-belief.

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