Daily Mail

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 23:39, February 8, 2013 by 86.142.191.18 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Daily Mail.
I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper
~ Oscar Wilde on The Daily Mail.
Ban this sick filth!
~ The Daily Mail on Everything.
Dailymail01

Understand that when you see the word 'Foreign' in a Daily Mail headline, expect the worst like..Angelina and Brad to adopt Muslim baby...

Often referred to as "Fascism with Oven Gloves on" The Daily Wail, also known variously as The Daily Hate, The Daily Heil, The Daily Bile, The Daily Hate Mail, The Fascist Manifesto, Loose Women on a Period, The Daily Maul and The Daily Fail is a hugely popular British comic for those who believe themselves (usually mistakenly) to be members of the middle classes. In 2010 it was also the UK's best selling brand of toilet paper. It is owned by Associated Newspapers, the same media group responsible for the Fail on Sunday and The Metro. A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, which describe how everything was great in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, the homeless, Brown people and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.

The Mail was first issued on 4 May 1896. The headline on the first edition was 'The British Union of Fascists: Our Patriotic Angels!'. The present editor is Paul Dacre, known for his sweet, engaging personality and anti-swearing policy[1].

More recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London taxi driver Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including "British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them".

It is worth noting that any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question can always be answered with the word 'No'. Hence 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' and 'Does food give you cancer?'

A first issue of The Daily Mail sold for £1 on 16 March 2004, which was, at the time, the lowest price ever paid for chip wrapping-paper at auction (its use as chip wrapping has long been banned, as people complained it made the chips taste of bile and hate).

In 2009 the Mail began a review of its "Pretend To Oppose Authoritarian Government Policies" policy as Conservative victory at the next election looked increasingly likely. Since May 2010, when a conservative oligarchy was reinstated, it has continually pissed itself in delight applauding Authoritarian Government Policies[2]. If Tabloid Newspapers were communist regimes, The Sun would be the People's Republic of China (The one with the largest readerbase, but in no way the most remarkable), The Daily Telegraph would be the USSR just prior to 1991 (Not too bad, but in no way would it be considered respectable or trustworthy) the Daily Express would be Vietnam (Quite similar to The Sun and the Daily Mail, except no-one gives a crap about it other than for past controversies) and the Daily Mail would be North Korea (I think you can see what I'm trying to get across already).

The Daily Mail has been from the outset published under the masthead buy-line "The Stink From The Shit on The Shoe of British Journalism"[3].

Despite enjoying a circulation of several million copies per day, it has been suggested that the actual "total effective readership quotient" is Nigel Farage.

Common Topics

Wtfocker

A typical Daily Mail reader, incensed at the flood of immigrants swamping his sceptred isle.

All of these topics are summarized rather nicely in this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eBT6OSr1TI

Editorial stance

During the 1930s the Daily Mail briefly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis before they realised the former were too moderate while the latter were German and therefore European[5]. Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses [6], while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.

The Daily Mail often gives away free DVDs and is much cheaper than almost every other toilet paper.

The Typical Daily Mail News Story

Cquote1 GUARDIAN-READING FEMINIST GYPSY ASYLUM-SEEKERS CONTINUE REIGN OF TERROR Cquote2

An asylum-seeking, DEGENERATE, liberal, feminist, Muslim, satanic heavy metal-worshipping, paedophile has continued to terrorise a quiet community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants today. Perhaps one just like YOURS!

Asylum-seeker homosexuals SWIM up the River Thames to London and infiltrate Parliament to send house prices crashing

The homosexual, French, GYPSY, poor person was observed acting in a completely YOBBISH style by starving in the gutter and coughing up blood in a most UNCIVILISED manner while praying to CULT-leader Xenu. This all illustrates the continued DECLINE of Britain under the corrupt, "politically correct" COMMUNISTIC regime of Nu Labour's bonkers Brown. The British value system has fallen apart. Kick them out! Kick them all out!! And we're not talking about "the jams" either!!

In other news, scientific studies have proved that there is a direct link between SERIAL KILLING and use of the teenagers' drug skunk-cannabis, video games, cheese and reading the Daily Mail. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!

This sort of thing is typical of the Decade Of Horror that is Brown's Britain. Only YOU can stop this by going out and STORMING PARLIAMENT (with angry letters)

Today's super-strength skunk cannabis is now 500 hundred times stronger, this is not the skunk smoked by the previous generation, no sir. Just one puff of this super-strength skunk cannabis will turn you into a trembling schizophreniac- with no respect for People Carriers or Sainsbury's.

The Daily Hypochondriac

At least once a week the Daily Mail likes to take some time off putting the boot into dark-skinned foreigners to report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories they pulled out of their arse. The fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week is entirely beside the point. Clinical studies have shown that neither of their readers' attention spans last that long.

Things which cure/prevent cancer

Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, the "energy" from crystals, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, measles, watercress, coffee, eating at least 19 portions of vegetables a day, chocolate, kicking immigrants out of our sanctuary of aryanism and reading the Daily Mail, voting for Conservatives or UKIP.

Things which cause cancer

Reading the Guardian, cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, answering machines, being tall at 14,oral sex, watching the BBC, not eating immigrants, swine flu, Tamiflu, being fat, being thin, cooking oil, immigrants, IVF, being female, salt, immigrants, vaccines (particularly MMR or Swine Flu), being male, ethnic minorities, fizzy drinks, alcohol (but not wine), being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, immigrants, homosexuals, chips, teachers strikes, immigrants, the poor, biscuits, cancer, immigrants, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active beyond the age of 29, baby food, drugs, asylum seekers, immigrants, euthanasia, The European Union, immigrants, Prince Philip, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, having children before 26, not having children before 27, immigrants, WiFi (whatever that is), voting Labour, immigrants, white bread (see above), water (except when it's expensive and from a plastic bottle), immigrants, Energy saving light bulbs, plastic, "chemicals"[3], immigrants, Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), the nanny state, the labour party, immigrants, eating food, driving when you're under 24, wheelie bins (the risk increases the less often they're emptied), unemployed people, Facebook and of course immigrants.

Astrology - what every parent should know

Cainer

Astrology sections are written by sky-wizards like Jonathan Cainer. Cainer's name is a pun, since he is always drunk when he writes his predictions.

With blatant disregard to the Witchcraft Act (which was still technically in force at the time). The Daily Mail (big fans of law n' order and all that) was the first newspaper (sic) in Britain to publish Horoscopes. (Disgracefully nobody was ever prosecuted for this much less burned at the stake!). Today Astrology is the biggest religion in the UK with over a fifth of the population adherents. After making so many people swallow astrology, convincing the public about the authenticity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and a conspiracy between Jews and Freemasons to control the international banking system should be a piece of cake really.

Magic Ink

It is widely known the the newsprint used in most newspapers can rub off and stain your hands black. The Mail has discovered a wonderful alternative formula, that rubs off and stains your thoughts Tory. Hence the slogan: You don't have to be conservative to read this but you will be when you put it down.

Mail Review

The Mail review is a prestigious and highly coveted place for authors, musicians, and film makers. Here are a few examples of their comments.


'A rip-roaring read.' 'Awesome, brilliant, cool.' 'Don't leave home without it.' - Mrs Beeton's Cookbook

'Wonderfully inspiring, daringly liberal' 'Fun for all the family.' 'A must-have.' - Mein Kampf

'The tortured heirs to the sceptered isle produce poetry for the soul.' - Belsen Was a Gas

'An insight into how worryingly wishy-washy our institutions are becoming.' - Scum

'My wife loved it!' 'Encore' 'Well done that man.' - Diagnosis Murder

'A foreign woman? From a foreign country? Who's a woman?' 'Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear'. - Sujata Bhatt's Bruzinem

'A masterpiece in understated commentary. Restrained, thoughtful and convincing. My views on the criminal justice system were changed forever after a single reading. Who needs a rational debate on the inhumanity of our current arbitrary sentencing policies, when you can just throw people in prison for decades over nothing? My views are identical to those of the Daily Mail, because they are correct, and because it would be political suicide to disagree." -- Theresa May, UK Home Secretary (As of 2013).

"Abortion Hope after 'genes' findings" Update

Scientists have recently announced that they have successfully identified the gene in human DNA that causes people to be Daily Mail readers. MP George Galloway has welcomed this breakthrough and has sponsored a private members bill in Parliament raising the abortion time limit for foetuses carrying the gene from 24 weeks to 85 years (or longer in certain circumstances) #. However, this proposal has run into trouble with the Racial equality commission, who have ruled that if being a Daily Mail reader is caused by genetics they are a distinct racial group. Needless to say the Daily Mail itself has condemned the commissions ruling as:

Cquote1 Political correctness gone mad. Cquote2

Oirish Edition, Polish supplement

Lordrothermere

Just some of the hilarious antics of Lord "Snooty" Rothermere

In 2006, an Irish edition of the Daily Mail was launched, followed in 2007 by a Polish suppplement [7] in the Mail on Sunday. For 2010 the same publishers are hoping to follow up these successes with the launch of a Hebrew translation of the classic Mein Kampf. Because the Mail lacks the courage of its own convictions, it will omit to run stories in one edition (say, the Irish) while gay-bashing, trampling on the recently dead body and spouting utterly wrong bollocks about one of that country's favourite sons (Stephen Gately) in its UK edition. There are some at the Mail, however, who would seek to do away with this policy on the basis that Ireland should still be part of the UK and that 1922 never happened.

It Was The Mail Wot Won It

After a mere decade, Communist leader Tony Blair has been forced to step-down from his position in the politbureau under relentless pressure from the freedom-fighters at the Daily Mail. Truly, this is a victory for the real Britain.

Rest-assured, so-called Gordon Brown will face a similar struggle.

Historic Headlines

1930s - HEROIC HITLER SAVES EUROPE FROM REDS!
1940s - COMMUNIST ATLEE INTRODUCES 'NHS'
1950s - AMERICAN 'ROCKING' MUSIC THREAT TO BRITISH FERAL YOUTH
1960s - FURY AS WILSON ANNOUNCES REFORM!
1970s - DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
1980s - ARGENTINE USURPERS, BOLSHEVIK MINERS CRUSHED UNDER THATCHER'S MAGNIFICENT FIST
1990s - WAS ELECTION WON BY ABORTION-LOVING GAY-SUPPORTING LABOUR RIGGED?
2000s - BRITAIN POISED TO FALL TO MUSLIM HORDE ANY DAY NOW. MORE TOMORROW.

Common Headlines

Mosleywalk

"Hurrah! Give Fascism a chance !"

  • TIDE OF ASIANS UNSTOPPABLE
  • PAEDOPHILE ASYLUM-SEEKERS SWAMP BRITAIN
  • BAN THIS SICK FILTH!
  • SIKHS IN SURREY: IS NOWHERE SAFE?
  • FURY AS MUSLIM MOVES NEXT DOOR
  • NOW IN BROWN'S BRITAIN BEING RACIST IS "RACIST"
  • WORKING CLASS SCUM WITHIN 50 MILES OF YOUR SUBURB
  • JUDGE REFUSES TO SEND TALIBAN LEADER BACK TO AFGHANISTAN...BECAUSE IT WOULD BREACH HIS HUMAN RIGHTS
  • FARMER BANNED FROM FARMING PIGS IN ORKNEY...BECAUSE IT'S 'OFFENSIVE' TO MUSLIMS IN CORNWALL
  • ENGLISH DEFENCE LEAGUE VICTIMS OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. NOW PEACEFUL GROUP CAN'T PROTEST IN BRADFORD
  • HOUSE PRICES ON THE UP - AGAIN
  • FIVE-YEAR-OLD RESCUED FROM BROTHEL - ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE 'ELF AND SAFETY BRIGADE

Things the Mail and its readers believe are true

WSHB
  • I'm not a racist but...
  • You're a persecuted taxpayer and all your taxes are being wasted, and you live in hell-hole Britain.
  • It's not right that anybody migrates to the UK, but it's perfectly okay for Daily Mail readers to be immigrants in other countries (and continue their moaning from there).
  • Only Daily Mail readers can use their fundamental EU right to free movement of persons (and expatriate elsewhere in the EU) and nag about how Britain should leave the EU.
  • Only Daily Mail readers can use their fundamental EU right to free movement of persons and goods by frequently Channel-hopping to the continent and bringing back (and selling for profit which cheats the taxman despite being the first to moan about southern europeans not paying tax) numerous goods upon their return, but want Britain out of the EU at the same time.
  • Hitler had the right idea about travellers.
  • He's only saying what a lot of people are thinking!
  • But we're expected to applaud and agree every time someone claims that the European Union is a good thing. Because that was Hitler and Himmler's idea as well.
  • PC brigade overreacting again.
  • Not everything Hitler did was bad. If he just stuck to his plans of creating a greater Germany without the need to put the Jews and other perceived undesirables up the chimney this world would be a much better place.
  • For goodness sake you can't open your mouth these days can you?
  • Anything wrong in Britain currently and post-May 2010 is the fault of Labour, and was therefore in perfect working order before/until May 1997.
  • Political incorrectness miraculously stopped once David Cameron became Prime Minister...oh no wait, there's still the pesky public sector we can blame, just to give us something to moan about.
  • Nick Griffin has been saying this for years.
  • Quentin Letts writes amazing, informed and cutting edge articles...and isn't at all biased in any direction.
  • Polluting the environment is necessary and a duty of all human beings.
  • Muslims are taking over...and fast.
  • When are the British people going to wake up (and protest about what I'm angry about because I'm too lazy to do so myself)?
  • What I'd like to do to this person cannot be published.
  • When Melanie Philips claims that all Muslims are involved in a conspiracy to infiltrate and destroy Christian Europe she is not comparable to the likes of Slobodan Milosevic and others in that region who may have claimed similar things as they were dirty continental Slavs with hate-clouded brains and she is an clear-thinking Briton telling it like it is. If you can't understand the difference then you are a fool!
  • The police are powerless to tackle serious criminals because the courts are full to bursting of (white) cornershop owners on trial for selling hot cross buns in flagrant breach of the law banning Christianity.
  • If a young person assaults a pensioner it is a disgraceful crime deserving of a long spell in prison (but under New Labour, the prison will be like a holiday camp.) If a pensioner assaults a child, it's all right because the child probably deserved it for being a feral outlaw (and the prison New Labour send the pensioner to will be a terrifying Victorian oubliette.)
  • It is not hypocritical to fiercely defend the Middle Class and then immediately attack the "metropolitan elite"
  • That post office owners who deny immigrants the use of an essential public service just because learning fluent English in a few months is out of their grasp are fully integrated British patriots, whereas Frenchmen who get stroppy at being constantly addressed in God-awful Franglais are simply bloody-minded Continentals who should learn English anyway.
  • That the population of the UK is actually 30 million higher than official government statistics in order to obfuscate the magnitude of immigration that has blighted this country since the 50s.
  • Anyone to the left of Thatcher supports an "open-door immigration policy".
  • Any and all editorials or columnists who echo BNP policy and literature are immediately cleared of any association by referring to the BNP as "vile" or "knuckle-dragging yobs".
  • The term "Paki" is not racist. In particular, it's not racist if the Royal Family say it, it's just "banter".
  • Muslim countries are savage and there are absolutely no churches in the Middle East, therefore Britain should follow the exact same example and not allow Muslims to build mosques here.
  • As long as Capitalism works in the interest of the British middle-class then it should be wholeheartedly supported with any opposition being written-off as "Marxist". However, if Capitalism works against the interest of the British middle-class then its practitioners become a gang of greedy, amoral yahoos.
  • Women who have more than one of: a career, children, attractiveness, intelligence, weight loss, weight gain, enjoyment of life; are evil and responsible for the end of society
  • Paedophiles are given Viagra by the NHS because of political correctness declaring them a minority. Additionally, they are housed under witness protection which means they get to reside in luxury mansions in Spain. All this while hard-working middle class families have to pay their way when they cannot afford mansions. Or Viagra.
  • Young children should be mercilessly caned at school and smacked at home and verbally abused for the heinous crime of acting like children and expressing themselves. This will ensure that they will instantly stop all bad behaviour and will never learn to use intimidation or violence to get their own way
  • If you don't like paying income tax, hate speed cameras and think you should be able to smoke in a pub you are a "libertarian". Your support for the death penalty, Royal family, "authorities" when they administer a kicking to students or foreigners, Christian social values and your tendency to bully your family definitely do not conflict with this, it's just you freely expressing your free desire to freely tell other people what to do.
  • The blog you write from your fucking garden shed is at the forefront of a revolution; it's not just read by ten other fat angry bald middle-aged men who sound-off about "Brussels" and Gordon Brown in the comments section. The fluttering St George's cross, picture of a knight in armour and picture of people smoking in a pub on the masthead with "BAN THIS EUSSR!" across it in white letters make you look serious and grown-up. Also, the fact that your site gets loads of hits and supportive comments from people calling themselves thinks like "White_and_proud1" and "BNP_Mike" means nothing.
  • Unaffordable housing and the lack of council housing is entirely the fault of asylum seekers, immigrunts and teenage mothers who are all given 7 bedroom mansions for free (with a free car and 2 forrin holidays a year naturellement) and has nothing whatsoever to do with the Tories selling the council houses off in the 80's and stopping new ones from being built.
  • The Death Penalty should be reintroduced for all persons accused of a crime not supported by the Daily Mail (Rest easy you Dangerous Drivers, Racist hate-mongers and Child caners. You are exempt from our wrath. Because you deal in "common sense". And we see that it is good.)
  • Michael Gove is the saviour of the educational system in this Imperial nation. He neither skims over Britain's inevitable historic abominations, nor does he look like a Basset Hound stuffed into a silk-lined prophylactic.

Footnotes

  1. The Vagina Monologues
  2. Except anything that affects Middle England. Middle England has nothing to answer for and the rest of you are bastards derserving of every degradation, as opposed to us who deserve everything we can get our hands on.
  3. Do it to Julia!
  4. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a jack-boot stamping on a homeless person's face forever (page 4).
  5. i.e. foreigners are to be feared, not embraced, no matter how on-message they are about the Red Menace
  6. Google "Abortion Hope" & Gay Gene
  7. called 'Get the fuck out of our beautiful country you disease-ridden money-wrangling child-molesting homeless immigrant bastards'

See also

External Links


Personal tools
projects