Daily Mail

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A typical Daily Mail reader, incensed at the flood of immigrants swamping his sceptred isle
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“I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.”

~ Some Woman on The Daily Mail

“I can't read very well but I do like the pictures”

~ Some Guy on The Daily Mail

“The perfect newspaper: soft, strong and super absorbent”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Daily Mail

Often referred to as "Fascism with Oven Gloves on" The Daily Wail, also known as The Daily Heil and The Daily Fail is a hugely popular British comic for those who believe themselves (usually mistakenly) to be members of the middle classes. A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, which describe how everything was great in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, the homeless and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.

The Mail was first issued on 26 July 1932 (dated 30 July). The headline on the first edition was 'The British Union of Fascists: Our Patriotic Angels!'. The present editor is Paul Dacre, known for his sweet, engaging personality and anti-swearing policy.

More recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London taxi driver Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including "British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them".

It is worth noting that any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question can be answered with the word 'No'. Hence 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' and 'Is The Daily Mail In Any Way Reasonable?'.

A first issue of The Daily Mail sold for £1 on 16 March 2004, which was, at the time, the lowest price ever paid for chip wrapping-paper at auction.

Contents

[edit] Sections

Pictured above:A daily mail fan at a bi-annual convention

The Front page of the Mail consists of several major parts. At the top right is the "Free Shit corner". This is occasionally given the "Dead blondes Sector" instead. The Dead Blondes sector, located just below the Mail logo, is devoted to reporting on Madeleine, Diana and formerly Jill Dando. It is also occasionally replaced with some information on the latest cure for cancer. Then there is the main headline, about how Britain in falling apart due to "Health and Safety", "gypsies", or the like. To the right of this is "Dead Blondes corner part 2" or the "Keira Knightley you're so pretty please don't sue us again" area.


[edit] Fashion and Lifestyle Supplements

These mainly focus on:
What Diana wore on this very day over ten years ago

Comfortable clothes to wear for a lynching

The adored "What did you think of Mein Kampf?" section.

Pictures of David Cameron's lovely children (but not that dead disabled one)

How to build your secret bunker, in which to hide from the 'Liberal-left elite"

A weekly continuing discussion on the best way to dispose of: anyone who cannot trace their lineage back to King Canute,
those liberal-communist-left-socialist-treehugging-whiney-children eating-peado loving scumbags
and anyone who falls under the banner of "not kissing an icon of David Cameron before curling up in the swaztika embellished duvet.

[edit] Editorial stance

During the 1930s the Daily Mail briefly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis before they realised the former were too moderate and liberal while the latter were German and therefore European[1]. Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses [2], while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.

[edit] The Typical Daily Mail News Story

   
Daily Mail
 GUARDIAN-READING, FEMINIST, GYPSY ASYLUM-SEEKER CONTINUES REIGN OF TERROR
   
Daily Mail

An asylum-seeking, DEGENERATE, liberal, feminist, Muslim, satanic heavy metal-worshipping, paedophile has continued to terrorise a community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants today. Perhaps one just like YOURS!

The homosexual, French, GYPSY, poor person was observed acting in a completely YOBBISH style by starving in the gutter and coughing up blood in a most UNCIVILISED manner while praying to CULT-leader Xenu. This all illustrates the continued DECLINE of Britain under the corrupt, "politically correct" COMMUNISTIC regime of Nu Labour's bonkers Brown. The British values system has fallen apart. Kick them out! Kick them all out!! And we're not talking about "the jams" either!!

In other news, scientific studies have proved that there is a direct link between SERIAL KILLING and use of the teenagers' drug skunk-cannabis, video games, cheese and reading the Daily Mail. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!

This sort of thing is typical of the Decade Of Horror that is Brown's Britain. Only YOU can stop this by going out and STORMING PARLIAMENT (with angry letters)

[edit] The Daily Hypochondriac

A typical Copy of the "Daily Hate"

At least once a week the Daily Mail likes to take some time off putting the boot into dark-skinned foreigners to report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories they pulled out of their arse. The fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week is entirely besides the point. Clinical studies have shown that neither of their readers' attention spans last that long.

[edit] Things which cure/prevent cancer

Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, the "energy" from crystals, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, measles, watercress, coffee, eating at least 19 portions of vegetables a day, chocolate, kicking immigrants out of our sanctuary of aryanism and reading the Daily Mail.

[edit] Things which cause cancer

Answering machines, Being tall at 14, reading the Guardian, not eating immigrants, being fat, being thin, cooking oil, immigrants, IVF, being female, salt, immigrants, vaccines (particularly MMR), being male, ethnic minorities, fizzy drinks, alcohol (but not wine), being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, immigrants, homosexuals, chips, not having children before 27, immigrants, the poor, biscuits, immigrants, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active after 29, baby food, drugs, asylum seekers, immigrants, The European Union, immigrants, Prince Philip, Russel Brand and Jonathon Ross , having children before 26, immigrants, WiFi (whatever that is), voting Labour, immigrants, white bread (see above), water (except when it's expensive and from a plastic bottle), immigrants, Energy saving light bulbs, plastic, "chemicals"[3], immigrants, Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), the nanny state, immigrants, Eating food, driving when you're under 24, Wheelie bins (the risk increaces the less often theyre emptied) Islam and of course immigrants.

Everything vaguely working class or middle class or upper class. In fact, simply existing and not doing everything that the daily hate prescribes will lead to cancer and even if you follow their advice word for word, you WILL STILL GET CANCER. In short, there is no escape from cancer.

[edit] Astrology -what every parent should know

Astrology sections are written by sky-wizards like Jonathan Cainer. Cainer's name is a pun, since he is always drunk when he writes his predictions.

With blatant disregard to the Witchcraft Act (which was still technically in force at the time). The Daily Mail (big fans of law n' order and all that) was the first newspaper (sic) in Britain to publish Horoscopes. (Disgracefully nobody was ever prosecuted for this much less burned at the stake!). Today Astrology is the biggest religion in the UK with over a fifth of the population adherants. After making so many people swallow astrology convincing the public about the authenticity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and a conspiracy between Jews and Freemasons to control the international banking system should be a piece of cake really.


[edit] Magic Ink

It is widely known the the newsprint used in most newspapers can rub off and stain your hands black. The Mail has discovered a wonderful alternative formula, that rubs off and stains your thoughts Tory. Hence the slogan: You don't have to be conservative to read this but you will be when you put it down.

[edit] Mail Review

The Mail review is a prestigious and highly coveted place for authors, musicians, and film makers. Here are a few examples of their comments.


'A Rip roaring read.' 'Awesome, Brilliant, Cool.' 'Dont leave Home without it.' Mrs Beetons Cookbook

'Wonderfully Inspiring, Daringly Liberal' 'Fun for all the Family.' 'A Must have.' Mein Kampf

'The tortured heirs to the sceptered isle produce poetry for the soul' Belsen Was a Gas

'An insight into how worryingly wishy washy our institutions are becoming' Scum

'My wife Loved it' 'Encore' 'Well done that man'. Diagnosis Murder

'A foreign woman? From a foreign country? Whose a woman?' 'oh dear oh dear oh dear'. Sujata Bhatt's Bruzinem

[edit] Sabotage by the Guardian

The Daily Mail ran headlines in the winter of 1992 stating that Asylum Seekers were the natural predators of Paedophiles. Such a stance caused great strife amongst the Daily Mail's readers who were confused as to which they hated more. The Daily Mail subsequently claimed that the headline was written by a saboteur from the Guardian (who was also a crack addicted single mother)

[edit] "Abortion Hope after 'genes' findings" Update

Scientists have recently announced that they have successfully identified the gene in human DNA that causes people to be Daily Mail readers. MP George Galloway has welcomed this breakthrough and has sponsored a private members bill in Parliament raising the abortion time limit for foetuses carrying the gene from 24 weeks to 85 years (or longer in certain circumstances) #. However, this proposal has run into trouble with the Racial equality commission, who have ruled that if being a Daily Mail reader is caused by genetics they are a distinct racial group. Needless to say the Daily Mail itself has condemned the commissions ruling as:

   
Daily Mail
 political correctness gone mad
   
Daily Mail
.

[edit] Oirish Edition, Polish supplement

Just some of the hilarious antics of Lord "Snooty" Rothermere

In 2006, an Irish edition of the Daily Mail was launched, followed in 2007 by a Polish suppplement [3] in the Mail on Sunday. For 2009 the same publishers are hoping to follow up these successes with the launch of a Hebrew translation of the classic Mein Kampf.

[edit] It Was The Mail Wot Won It

After a mere decade, Communist leader Tony Blair has been forced to step-down from his position in the politbureau under relentless pressure from the freedom-fighters at the Daily Mail. Truly, this is a victory for the real Britain.

Rest-assured, so-called Gordon Brown will face a similar struggle.

[edit] Common Headlines

"Hurrah!"

[edit] Current Catchphrases (Cliches)

[edit] Popular Past Headlines

1940s - TRAITOR CHURCHILL VICTIMISES HARMLESS HEROES MOSLEY AND HITLER!
1950s - FILTHY COMMIE ATLEE INTRODUCES HATEFUL NHS!
1960s - FURY AS WILSON ANNOUNCES REFORM!
1970s - DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
1980s - BELOVED HERO THATCHER TWATS THE ARGENTINES! HURRAH!
1990s - ABORTION LOVING, GAY SUPPORTING LABOUR WINS RIGGED ELECTION!
2000s - DARKIE SEIZES "WHITE" HOUSE, BELOVED BUSH DEPOSED

[edit] Things the Mail believes are true

  • The Driver Is Always The Victim.
  • Everything gives you cancer.
  • Madonna is news.
  • Homosexuals all know each other and work together to promote "buggery" and other vices.
  • The BBC is run by homosexuals, jews , communists and muslims.
  • Paying income tax is actually more oppressive than being taken into a cell and beaten-up.
  • Inheritance tax is even worse.
  • But still not as bad as the council refusing to collect your bins every four hours.
  • If someone wants to paint a mural of Osama bin Laden with "Death to the Infidels" underneath it they will be given money to do so by the local council.
  • The 'Human Rights Act' exists only to furnish convicted child murderers with cushy, Xbox and Plasma-TV filled 'cells'.
  • Immigrants deliberately spread serious foreign diseases, including polio, with which they hope to destroy the Anglo-Saxon gene pool.
  • If a white person and a non-white person apply for the same job The State makes the poor employer pick the brown person against his will, even if the brown fella is an unqualified, blind, comatosed ex-street sweeper and the job is Neurosurgery.
  • If a crime is committed by an immigrant it is much worse than if the same crime was committed by a native briton. If the immigrant was here illegaly, the severity of the crime is automatically increased tenfold.
  • When white people run businesses they are hard-working risk-takers who deserve their riches. When hook-nosed darker races do the same they are scheming, greedy cabalists working together to exploit and extort.
  • It is illegal to fly a Union Jack or celebrate St George's Day without permission from the council. If you do you can be arrested. If, however, you are an immigrant wishing to celebrate your native culture you will be provided with taxpayer's money by The State to do so.
  • It is extremely difficult to run a business in the UK because Labour (who are controlled by homosexuals and trade unionists) have tied them all up in red tape. This is why the British economy is quite clearly failing.
  • Chile under Augusto Pinochet was actually freer than Britain under Labour. This was because, once you set aside minor issues like torture, murder, rape, banning of political activity and military-controlled government businesses had less red tape to deal with and there were no speed cameras to entrap and victimise motorists.
  • The Anglo-Saxon Race English-speaking peoples of the world are essentially united in all things and any disagreements are the results of infiltration by jews, homosexuals, muslims and atheists. Whist America currently leads the reich unofficial community of english-speaking nations this anomaly will be corrected in time.
  • Whilst there is a need to crack down on crime this does not apply to speeding drivers or those killed or injured by so-called "corporate negligence" because anyone injured by the former should have damn well looked where they were going and those who regard the latter as victims of crime simply don't understand business[8].
  • The Royals (God bless 'em) can do no wrong. If they do something wrong, it is obviously part of their divine plan and because they move in mysterious ways that we mere mortals cannot understand.
  • When Melanie Philips claims that all Muslims are involved in a conspiracy to infiltrate and destroy Christian Europe she is not comparable to the likes of Slobodan Milosevic and others in that region who may have claimed similar things as they were dirty continental Slavs with hate-clouded brains and she is an clear-thinking Briton telling it like it is. If you can't understand the difference then you are a fool!
  • Margaret Thatcher, the once and future matriarch, will one day return to be our saviour!
  • Margaret Thatcher actually didn't bend the whole country over and shaft it until its eyes watered
  • The police are powerless to tackle serious criminals because the courts are full to bursting of (white) cornershop owners on trial for selling hot cross buns in flagrant breach of the law banning Christianity.
  • If a young person assaults a pensioner it is a disgraceful crime deserving of a long spell in prison (but under New Labour, the prison will be like a holiday camp.) If a pensioner assaults a child, it's all right because the child probably deserved it for being a feral outlaw (and the prison New Labour send the pensioner to will be a terrifying Victorian oubliette.)
  • The above does not apply if the pensioner is a paedophile. Paedophiles are trumps and always take precedence over other factors.
  • That post office owners who deny immigrants the use of an essential public service just because learning fluent English in a few months is out of their grasp are fully integrated British patriots, whereas Frenchmen who get stroppy at being constantly addressed in God-awful Franglais are simply bloody-minded Continentals who should learn English anyway.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. ↑ i.e. foreigners are to be feared, not embraced, no matter how on-message they are about the Red Menace
  2. ↑ Google "Abortion Hope" & Gay Gene
  3. ↑ called 'Get the fuck out of our beautiful country you disease-ridden money-wrangling child-molesting homeless immigrant bastards'
  4. ↑ You couldn't, perhaps, but we just did
  5. ↑ Apparently only conservatives are allowed to whine
  6. ↑ (formerly "Blair's Britain") Generally the argument that modern Britain is exactly the same as Soviet Russia because of speed cameras and the EU. "Liberal" newspapers also use this phrase albeit with the slant that CCTV and anti-terrorist legislation means that the UK is exactly the same as Nazi Germany. (which for some reason is a bad thing)
  7. ↑ Prefaces many Mail headlines. When asked whose fury it was, they admit it was the fury of an insane tramp who drinks turpentine.
  8. ↑ NB this doesn't apply if the business is revealed to be a Labour donor in which case they become the "unacceptable face of greed"

[edit] See also

[edit] External Links

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