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The Daily Mail is a hugely popular British comic for those who believe themselves (usually mistakenly) to be members of the middle classes. In 2010, it was also the UK's best selling brand of toilet paper. It is owned by DMG Media, the same media group responsible for the Fail on Sunday and The Metro. A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, which describe how everything was great in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, the homeless, Brown people and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.
The Mail was first issued on 4 May 1896. The headline on the first edition was 'The British Union of Fascists: Our Patriotic Angels!'. The present editor is Paul Dacre, known for his sweet, engaging personality and anti-swearing policy.
More recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London taxi driver Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including "British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them".
Any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question can always be answered with the word 'No'. Hence 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' and 'Does food give you cancer?'
A first issue of The Daily Mail sold for £1 on 16 March 2004, which was, at the time, the lowest price ever paid for chip wrapping-paper at auction (its use as chip wrapping has long been banned, as people complained it made the chips taste of bile and hate).
In 2009 the Mail began a review of its "Pretend To Oppose Authoritarian Government Policies" policy as Conservative victory at the next election looked increasingly likely. Since May 2010, when a conservative oligarchy was reinstated, it has continually pissed itself in delight applauding Authoritarian Government Policies. If Tabloid Newspapers were communist regimes, The Sun would be the People's Republic of China (The one with the largest readerbase, but in no way the most remarkable), The Daily Telegraph would be the USSR just prior to 1991 (Not too bad, but in no way would it be considered respectable or trustworthy) the Daily Express would be Vietnam (Quite similar to The Sun and the Daily Mail, except no-one gives a crap about it other than for past controversies) and the Daily Mail would be North Korea (I think you can see what I'm trying to get across already).
The Daily Mail has been from the outset published under the masthead buy-line "The Stink From The Shit on The Shoe of British Journalism".
Despite enjoying a circulation of several million copies per day, it has been suggested that the actual "total effective readership quotient" is Nigel Farage.
edit Editorial stance
During the 1930s the Daily Mail briefly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis before they realised the former were too moderate while the latter were German and therefore European. Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses, while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.
The Daily Mail often gives away free DVDs and is much cheaper than almost every other toilet paper.
edit The Typical Daily Mail News Story
- GUARDIAN-READING FEMINIST GYPSY ASYLUM-SEEKERS CONTINUE REIGN OF TERROR
An asylum-seeking, DEGENERATE, liberal, feminist, Muslim, Satanic, heavy metal-worshipping paedophile has continued to terrorise a quiet community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants today. Perhaps one just like YOURS!
Asylum-seeker homosexuals SWIM up the River Thames to London and infiltrate Parliament to send house prices crashing
The homosexual, French, GYPSY, poor person was observed acting in a completely YOBBISH style by starving in the gutter and coughing up blood in a most UNCIVILISED manner while praying to CULT-leader Xenu. This all illustrates the continued DECLINE of Britain under the corrupt, "politically correct" COMMUNISTIC regime of Nu Labour's bonkers Brown. The British value system has fallen apart. Kick them out! Kick them all out!! And we're not talking about "the jams" either!!
In other news, scientific studies have proved that there is a direct link between SERIAL KILLING and use of the teenagers' drug skunk-cannabis, video games, cheese and reading the Daily Mail. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!
This sort of thing is typical of the Decade Of Horror that is Brown's Britain. Only YOU can stop this by going out and STORMING PARLIAMENT (with angry letters)
Today's super-strength skunk cannabis is now 500 hundred times stronger, this is not the skunk smoked by the previous generation, no sir. Just one puff of this super-strength skunk cannabis will turn you into a trembling schizophreniac - with no respect for People Carriers or Sainsbury's.
edit The Daily Hypochondriac
At least once a week the Daily Mail likes to take some time off putting the boot into dark-skinned foreigners to report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories they pulled out of their arse. The fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week is entirely beside the point. Clinical studies have shown that neither of their readers' attention spans last that long.
Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, the "energy" from crystals, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, measles, watercress, coffee, eating at least 19 portions of vegetables a day, chocolate, kicking immigrants out of our sanctuary of aryanism, reading the Daily Mail, voting for Conservatives or UKIP.
Reading the Guardian, cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, answering machines, being tall at 14,oral sex, watching the BBC, not eating immigrants, swine flu, Tamiflu, being fat, being thin, cooking oil, immigrants, IVF, being female, salt, immigrants, vaccines (particularly MMR or Swine Flu), being male, ethnic minorities, fizzy drinks, alcohol (but not wine), being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, immigrants, homosexuals, chips, teachers strikes, immigrants, the poor, biscuits, cancer, immigrants, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active beyond the age of 29, drugs, asylum seekers, immigrants, euthanasia, immigrants, Prince Philip, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, immigrants, WiFi (whatever that is), immigrants, white bread (see above), water (except when it's expensive and from a plastic bottle), immigrants, plastic, "chemicals", immigrants, Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), the nanny state, the labour party, immigrants, eating food, driving when you're under 24, wheelie bins (the risk increases the less often they're emptied), unemployed people, Facebook and of course immigrants.
edit Astrology - what every parent should know
With blatant disregard to the Witchcraft Act (which was still technically in force at the time). The Daily Mail (big fans of law n' order and all that) was the first newspaper (sic) in Britain to publish horoscopes. (Disgracefully nobody was ever prosecuted for this much less burned at the stake!). Today Astrology is the biggest religion in the UK with over a fifth of the population adherents. After making so many people swallow astrology, convincing the public about the authenticity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and a conspiracy between Jews and Freemasons to control the international banking system should be a piece of cake really.
edit Magic Ink
It is widely known the the newsprint used in most newspapers can rub off and stain your hands black. The Mail has discovered a wonderful alternative formula, that rubs off and stains your thoughts Tory. Hence the slogan: You don't have to be conservative to read this but you will be when you put it down.
edit Mail Review
The Mail review is a prestigious and highly coveted place for authors, musicians, and film makers. Here are a few examples of their comments.
'A rip-roaring read.' 'Awesome, brilliant, cool.' 'Don't leave home without it.' - Mrs Beeton's Cookbook
'Wonderfully inspiring, daringly liberal' 'Fun for all the family.' 'A must-have.' - Mein Kampf
'The tortured heirs to the sceptered isle produce poetry for the soul.' - Belsen Was a Gas
'An insight into how worryingly wishy-washy our institutions are becoming.' - Scum
'My wife loved it!' 'Encore' 'Well done that woman.' - Diagnosis Murder
'A foreign woman? From a foreign country? Who's a woman?' 'Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear'. - Sujata Bhatt's Bruzinem
'A masterpiece in understated commentary. Restrained, thoughtful and convincing. My views on the criminal justice system were changed forever after a single reading. Who needs a rational debate on the inhumanity of our current arbitrary sentencing policies, when you can just throw people in prison for decades over nothing? My views are identical to those of the Daily Mail, because they are correct, and because it would be political suicide to disagree." -- Theresa May, UK Home Secretary (As of 2013).
edit "Abortion Hope after 'genes' findings" Update
Scientists have recently announced that they have successfully identified the gene in human DNA that causes people to be Daily Mail readers. MP George Galloway has welcomed this breakthrough and has sponsored a private members bill in Parliament raising the abortion time limit for foetuses carrying the gene from 24 weeks to 85 years (or longer in certain circumstances). However, this proposal has run into trouble with the Racial equality commission, who have ruled that if being a Daily Mail reader is caused by genetics they are a distinct racial group. Needless to say the Daily Mail itself has condemned the commissions ruling as 'political correctness gone mad.'
edit Oirish Edition, Polish supplement
In 2006, an Irish edition of the Daily Mail was launched, followed in 2007 by a Polish suppplement  in the Mail on Sunday. For 2010 the same publishers are hoping to follow up these successes with the launch of a Hebrew translation of the classic Mein Kampf. Because the Mail lacks the courage of its own convictions, it will omit to run stories in one edition (say, the Irish) while gay-bashing, trampling on the recently dead body and spouting utterly wrong bollocks about one of that country's favourite sons (Stephen Gately) in its UK edition. There are some at the Mail, however, who would seek to do away with this policy on the basis that Ireland should still be part of the UK and that 1922 never happened.
edit It Was The Mail Wot Won It
After a mere decade, Communist leader Tony Blair has been forced to step-down from his position in the politbureau under relentless pressure from the freedom-fighters at the Daily Mail. Truly, this is a victory for the real Britain.
Gordon Brown Nick Clegg will face a similar struggle.
edit Daily Mail and the BBC
Due to the BBC being run by cocaine-snorting homosexuals and being slightly left of Pol Pot, the Daily Mail routinely publishes articles criticising BBC propaganda and programming. Topics of contention include Susanna Reid showing her knickers, Susanna Reid not showing her knickers, gays being allowed on the telly, gays being allowed to exist, black people in Robin Hood, political correctness, and inaccurate portrayal of sex as being more than for procreation. Daily Mail photographers are also known to be deeply jealous of the BBC's ability to find the only hijab in a crowd of 10,000 for its stock footage, technology which they would dearly love to pass to the Americans for their missile drone programme.
DM is particularly critical of the BBC's failure to present news in the context of World War II wherever possible. For instance, the BBC did not mention Hitler even once when talking about Barack Obama's election as US president, and they fail to equate the EU passing new human rights laws with Nazi Germany annexing the Sudetenland like any reasonable person should.
Some experts have suggested that the Mail have, for decades, been in error and confused the British Broadcasting Corporation with the other meaning of the acronym BBC, and that the hatred stems from continuing disappointment of their editors in not finding pictures of oversized negro phalluses.
edit The National Health Service
The Daily Mail regularly object to the many millions of people who have died due to the negligence of the British National Health Service (NHS), including those who died in the Nazi death camps and of Black death during the 14th century. The Daily Mail editors maintain that such deaths would have been avoided by private healthcare. DM is particularly energetic in pointing out the many hundreds of cases per decade of medical malpractice that occur in the NHS, and which absolutely do not happen in private healthcare ever ever ever. It is the Daily Mail’s opinion that the only reason that people don’t live forever is that they have Nigerian nurses tripping over their tubes, Gypsies with mops spreading disease, Jews poisoning the wells, and Pakistani doctors giving people the wrong drugs for their terminal cancer.
The Daily Mail's stance on the NHS is particularly risky as most of its readers probably rely upon the NHS for their continued existence minute to minute, being predominately the elderly with various degrees of inbreeding who have used a Mitsubishi Shogun to drive to the shops 30 yards away for three decades.
edit The Internets
The Daily Mail do not understand the internets (which didn't exist during Thatcher's golden years), and therefore fear them. Under the guise of relieving us of the burden of having to masturbate to porn, in 2013 Daily Mail made a concerted effort to ban the internet through lobbying for parental controls for everyone, whether or not you were a parent. These filtered out 99.989% of the content of the internet, although naturally they did not remove the semi-naked celebrities or stories of Z-list celebs shagging - all reported at length in the on-line Daily Mail.
Although lifting these controls was first determined to be achieved by contacting the service provider, Daily Mail's vision was to make this only possible by having you added to the sex offender's list, your photograph, name and address published in the paper, and having you forced to run a gauntlet of screaming and bitey feminists and militant mothers groups for at least four miles uphill. Ultimately, the attempt failed, because the unworthy successor to Thatcher's legacy, David Cameron, decided that the filters could be turned off by a phone call to the ISP. Every bugger just turned them off to watch midgets shagging on Redtube.
It is not commonly known that there is a reporter (subject to several restraining order applications) who actually exclaims aloud the headlines from the DM Online sidebar of celebrity nakedness whenever and wherever he sees a famous person. Some of the occasionally mortifying, intrusive or bizarre outbursts are listed below:
"What a sweet treat!" - on seeing a celebrity come out of Morrisons eating a Cornetto
"More than just friends!" - getting rather the wrong end of the stick at a funeral
"Eating for two!" - pregnant celebrity attempting to discreetly order a small dessert at a restaurant
"When you've got to go!" - at a public convenience
edit Historic Headlines
1930s - HEROIC HITLER SAVES EUROPE FROM REDS!
1940s - COMMUNIST ATTLEE INTRODUCES 'NHS'
1950s - AMERICAN 'ROCKING' MUSIC THREAT TO BRITISH FERAL YOUTH
1960s - FURY AS WILSON ANNOUNCES REFORM!
1970s - DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
1980s - ARGENTINE USURPERS, BOLSHEVIK MINERS CRUSHED UNDER THATCHER'S MAGNIFICENT FIST
1990s - WAS ELECTION WON BY ABORTION-LOVING GAY-SUPPORTING LABOUR RIGGED?
2000s - BRITAIN POISED TO FALL TO MUSLIM HORDE ANY DAY NOW. MORE TOMORROW.
2010s - MOTHER OF THREE BUYS 300 XMAS PRESENTS
- ↑ The Vagina Monologues
- ↑ Except anything that affects Middle England. Middle England has nothing to answer for and the rest of you are bastards derserving of every degradation, as opposed to us who deserve everything we can get our hands on.
- ↑ Do it to Julia!
- ↑ called 'Get the fuck out of our beautiful country you disease-ridden money-wrangling child-molesting homeless immigrant bastards'
- ↑ Susanna Reid and her knickers have now moved to ITV.