Daffodils
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The Daffodils is a covert group of mercenaries hired by various countries' special forces for extremely difficult missions. The group recruits only experienced, battle-hardened veterans of such organizations as Boy Scouts and Brownies, although occasionally a former member of the Mickey Mouse Club is accepted.
For the most part, the Daffodils are devoid and destitute of any intelligence (see Requirements, below), so they do not need armour or real weapons to fight effectively. For example, an ongoing mission to depopulate nightclubs involves Paris Hilton going clubbing every night and having sex with every thing she sees, thus spreading a nice variety of STDs among the patrons.
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[edit] Admission
The headquarters of the Daffodils is situated somewhere in mainland North America, and can be reached through the CIA. However, if you contact the CIA, they will deny the existence of the Daffodils, and likely assassinate you.
[edit] Requirements
A successful applicant must:
- have a maximum IQ of 34
- be a smoker, or a non-smoker
- have a smooth hairless back and legs
- piercing blue eyes that gaze deeply into your soul
- a heart-shaped ass like concrete
- ignore the above three requirements
- have a Diploma in Kitten Huffing from ITT Technical Institute of Technology
- be unable to spell their own name
- enjoy yummy bacon fat and watching Anne of Green Gables in their underwear
- not try to contact the organization, because the applicant will be assassinated
- be currently taking an antidepressant or, conversely, antidepressants
- read the list of requirements, but not satisfy any of them
[edit] Training
Basic training includes physical training and weapons training. Physical training involves thumb wrestling, eating lobster and chewing gum. Nearly 60% of successful applicants are unable to complete this rigorous physical training, as they are allergic to shellfish or choke on their gum.
[edit] Weapons
Weapons training immediately follows physical training and the recruits are trained in a variety of deadly firearms and techniques. However, as noted above, these deadly firearms and techniques are not used on missions.
A list of deadly firearms used in training:
- fist with index finger and thumb extended
- nanotech anti-insect surface-to-air missiles
- scissors
- pointed sticks
Deadly techniques include wrapping your legs around someone else's waist really hard to crush their pelvis and flicking people in the throat really hard to make them go "KAH!" in a phlegmy voice.
[edit] Notable members of the Daffodils
- Britney Spears
- Justin Timberlake
- Paris Hilton
- Nicole Ritchie
- Tom Cruise - awarded the Medal of O'Ner in 2002 (saved four crocodiles from drowning in a pool, and was ripped to shreds in the process)
