Here at the Department of Homeland Security, our number one concern is your safety. However, recent surveys indicate that you, the average American, are not satisfied with our efforts. Notable complaints include "What has the DOHS done for me lately?" and "I can't get laid because Homeland Security is keeping me down." First of all, chicks won't talk to you because you're hideous. Seriously, you make Chad Kruger look like a supermodel. Secondly, you're right. We've been too busy using our robots to blow up 'suspicious packages' that we've neglected to provide quality feedback to Americans.
Well, here's what we've been working on. At the DOHS, we understand that the typically educated American becomes, at best, totally fucking lost when thumbing through one of our simple 3,000-page safety instruction pamphlets. Accordingly, we have collaborated with popular child experts to produce an easy-to-understand set of instructions (verbal and visual) that will help you survive an imminent or occurring terrorist attack. By keeping these basic rules in mind, scientists agree that your chances of remaining medically alive after a terror-related event increase up to 4%.
Explanation of Terror Threat Levels
Experts have reached the conclusion that the previous terror alert system was too confusing. In particular, when the threat level was yellow, people complained about having to take the stairs. After several grueling months, we have found a way to simplify the terror alert chart. Each of the five levels, previously only labeled by color and difficult words such as 'low', will now be accompanied by a flavor of the popular cereal, TrixTM. In addition to making the terror alert chart part of a balanced breakfast, it is now much easier for Americans of all ages to easily react in a proper manner when hearing of a change in the alert level. It should be noted that claims of the new terror alert chart cutting the roof of people's mouths are blatant falsifications circulated by radical left wing militants. Also be advised that pouring sugar or slicing a banana over the chart will most likely render it unreadable. Please set aside time where you can gather your family (if any) and painstakingly memorize the instructions that follow.
Watermelon (Low): This alert level indicates that there is no reason to believe that a terrorist event will occur in the near future. This is one of the more dangerous alert levels; since we have nothing to fear, we let our guard down and that is when we are most vulnerable. As a result, you should exercise extreme caution when the terror alert level drops to Watermelon. The wisest course of action would be to remain in your home until the alert level changes.
Wildberry Blue (Guarded): This alert level indicates that there is a general risk for terrorist attacks; we have no idea what kind of targets are most likely to be attacked, we simply know that something's coming. This is one of the more dangerous alert levels; since we are unsure of any details of a potential attack, any conceivable scenario is possible. As a result, you should exercise extreme caution when the terror alert level drops to Wildberry Blue. The wisest course of action would be to remain in your home until the alert level changes.
Lemony Yellow (Elevated): This alert level indicates that there is a significant risk a terrorist plot will be carried out in the near future. This is one of the more dangerous alert levels; basically, when we stick the peg in the middle of the board, it means we have no idea what's going on. It could mean that we went out drinking the previous night, or that we've been playing too much World of Warcraft during normal business hours. As a result, you should exercise extreme caution when the terror alert level reaches Lemony Yellow. The wisest course of action would be to remain in your home until the alert level changes.
Orangey-Orange (High): When the alert level reaches this point, it means that a terrorist attack is imminent or underway, yet we are fighting to stop it. This is one of the more dangerous alert levels; if we are unsuccessful in thwarting the attack, you will be totally fucked. As a result, you should exercise extreme caution when the terror alert level rises to Orangey-Orange. The wisest course of action would be to remain in your home until the alert level changes.
Raspberry Red (Severe): This is the highest alert level. It means that a major attack on a densely populated or strategically significant target is about to occur during a week that Jack Bauer is on vacation. This is one of the more dangerous alert levels; it essentially indicates that your odds of dying are above 80%. As a result, you should exercise extreme caution when the terror alert level reaches Raspberry Red. The wisest course of action would be to remain in your home until the alert level changes.
We now realize that 90% of Americans fall into one of the following categories: 1) dyslexic 2) illiterate 3) one of those jerks who won't read something unless there's pictures to look at. As such, over 250 million readers of this guide will, in reality, not read a single word of it. To counter this, we have developed a flashy visual section that everyone can enjoy, while they unwittingly learn things. While we have received mostly positive feedback on this section, the blind community has insisted that we also provide an audio aid. What they don't know is that in every computer simulation we have run, a major terrorist attack always results in a 100% casualty rate among the blind. Since an audio aid to this set of instructions would be pointless, we have redirected all queries for audio to a recording of Lawrence Tierney reading from the King James Bible, and we have puzzlingly received no further complaints. For the non-blind, the following set of visual instructions should be rigidly obeyed.
|If you are exposed to radiation, you are likely to grow to the size of a two-story building.|
|This is important. If you see a nuclear explosion DO NOT DRIVE TOWARDS IT. Instead, just pull over to the side of the road and wait for it to go away.|
|If your roof is collapsing, don't panic. Take cover under any type of object (desk, umbrella, etc.) and give yourself oral sex...|
|...HA! That's what you get for hiding under a freaking desk when your roof is collapsing, you stupid jerk!|
|You should avoid opening any door that will clearly explode upon opening.|
|This has nothing to do with safety, we here at the DOHS just think that you are ugly.|
|Upon coming into contact with an unknown substance or any part of Kobe Bryant, you should head over to the sink immediately. While washing your hands, your other two hands should be used to call the police.|
|You should, at all costs, avoid getting into any vehicle operated by this man.|
|Wait a minute, don't catch on fire? Oh, wait, that does make sense...|
|"OUR FACES! WHY DID THEY TAKE OUR FACES!?"|
Do not attempt to remove your face, or any family member's face, for safekeeping. Please leave this to trained DOHS face removal specialists.
|This is a little something we here at the DOHS like to call 'Plan B'.|
Additional Safety Tips for a Special Someone
This section outlines specific types of terrorist attacks, how to spot them, and how to react accordingly. If you are not an immediate casualty of an attack, please use the following guidelines to assist others, the terrorist(s), and yourself (in that order). Also keep in mind that dialing 911 for emergency services is always a good decision, and remember that if you are unable to dial all of those digits in the available time, dialing *39 will automatically redirect to 911.
- If somebody removes their jacket and reveals a bomb, you need to determine what grade of explosive it is, first take a small sample, hand it over to the nearest DOHS official, and let him to the testing. Three to eight weeks later, you will have the results mailed to you, and can respond accordingly.
- If the bomber is unsuccessful in killing himself, you should assist him in any way you can. They will most likely be horribly mutilated, but words of encouragement like "Good effort" and "At least you knocked over that fire hydrant" can help immensely.
- Attempting to physically deter a suicide bomber is not recommended; however, our studies have shown that terrorists are easily distracted by things such as shiny objects. If someone is about to blow himself up, try to reflect sunlight onto his chest using your watch. Similar to a cat, it should render the terrorist docile (and adorable!).
- Always be suspicious of any vehicle gifted to you by the Italian Mafia.
- You should never attempt to hot-wire a bomb car.
- Driving a bomb car during your driving exam is only recommended for very experienced drivers.
We hope this brief guide has been informative. Keep in mind that in the event of a terrorist attack you find yourself in a situation not covered here, you should obtain a gun and fire wildly into the air. However, unless the terror alert level changes to one deemed 'dangerous' above, there should be no need to panic and minimal need to continue pestering us and claiming that we are an unproductive branch of government. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to get back to work on other matters currently threatening our country's safety.