From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Motto: "Pravda vítězí" (Czech for "Truth sucks, and that's why we lose")|
| National Anthem:|
Dual anthem: The Archer's March and Kde je domov můj? (eng. Dude, where's my car?)
|Official language||Czeckers and strange czech|
|Government||Changes every 6 months, sometimes 7 months|
|Political system||Kleptocracy, biggest non-governmental organization in Europe|
|Every czech person says that they hate this man, even though he's not the Prime minister anymore.|
|An evil German: "We need more Czech beer!"|
|Major exports||Beer (), Pornstars, Shit|
The Czech Republic (also known as Czechoslovakia or Former Czechoslovak Republic of Czech or less commonly Pepičky (as in neighbour Poland or Hungary)) is a country in Central Europe. The most important subject in Czechia was, is and will be the beer (). The annual consumption per capita in the Czechia is 156.9 Litres including toddlers, which is the highest in the world (and about two times as much as in the U.S.). The words "Pilsener" and "Budweiser" come from the Czech towns and major breweries Pilsen and Budweis. During most of its history, Czechia was enslaved by the nearby Germany - Czechs were forced to brew for Germans. Today, Czechs are forced to brew for everyone. Many companies steal Czech trademarks and then become one of the biggest companies in the US, such as the American wannabe "Budweiser".
The capital is Prague, and according to most Praguers, it's also the capital of the universe. However, most of Czechs hate Prague and most of Praguers hate all Czechs outside of Prague. As a result, Prague is a de facto city-state inside the Czechia. Therefore, the tourists, that visit only Prague, learn nothing about Czechia. Most of Czechs will tell you that Prague is the concentration of the biggest crap from whole Czechia.
It's easy to tell if a person is Czech, if their last name ends in -na and last name of czech women ends in -ová. They are not Polish, Russian or Communist, and like beer, they are Czech. The reason the surnames end -na is, that most Czechs prefer to eat burgers while they work in their semi lowerclass standard bars and ginger bread stands.
The Czechs also have a serious hatred of vowels before and after the letter r.
Look out! Germans coming!FUCK ME! Too late, already are here...
Unlike the pathetic French, Czechs were always eager to fight for their freedom and democracy, despite the fact that they have always lost in the end. The average Czech is very proud of his nation's collosal losses, the most famous being the battle of Lipany and the battle of the losers (in this battle Czechs surprisingly lost).
They are however still considered better and worthy than Slovaks or Krauts.
First Republic (Czechoslovakia lasted for 74 years and there were four)
The First Czechoslovak Republic came into existence when some uppity Upper Austrian peasants invented a distinctive national costume and intelligible language for themselves and suddenly discovered a 300 year long history of oppression.
Unfortunately for these peasants all of the industry and land was held by hardworking former peasants (Austrians) who because they had been successful didn't see any need to fake a long history of oppression, wear silly clothes or speak an incomprehensible tongue of their own devising. Sadly for the so called "Czechs" (lazy peasants) the Austrians were ever so slightly in the majority. So the Czechs spread their communistical ideas to the lazy peasants of Upper Hungary, who they gave the name Slovaks and inducted into their strange cult of the silly clothes and incomprehensible language.
The Hungarians and Austrians watched all of this with amusement. Little did they know that it was all part of a clever plot...
The National Plan and the Formation of the Castle Group
As has already been noted the Czechs are shit in a fight. However, they are clever enough to know how to exploit people. T.G. Masaryk, an upstart foundry worker and your typical Czech con man, was able to con his way into teaching Sociology at Prague University despite the fact he was functionally illiterate (OK, as it was sociology he was teaching maybe that wasn't that hard after all).
It was from this power base in a department with 3 students and a cleaner (who later formed the core of the Castle Group), that Masaryk plotted the freedom of the Czech people. His plan was beautifully simple. Just start a World War and charm the pants off a racist old, southern son of a bitch like Woodrow Wilson.
Now Woodrow Wilson and T.G. Masaryk both had rather a lot in common. Both of them were total frauds, who knew fuck all about the subjects they pretended to be knowledgeable on and were bless in the world. Approximately ten million Czechs suffer from vowel deficiencies. The difficulty of pronouncing typical sentences such as "Strč prst skrz krk" ("Good morning") has caused the proliferation of jaw strain, tooth problems, insanity, and alcoholism in many Czechs. The roots of this problem go back for centuries; it seems that many years ago the Czech nation was robbed of their vowels by a combined force of Finns and Hawaiians. Czech diplomats are currently working to correct this ancient crime, and the first shipments of foreign vowels are due to arrive in the country shortly.
This extremely difficult language was developed in the late 8th century AD as a secret code (cipher) to confuse foreign troops passing by. No-one is able to speak it properly, and every foreigner who starts studying it suffers of headache and tongue-ache. The letter "Ř" is pretty special, and whoever can pronounce it, is considered to have Czech nationality. It is actually the only test they give you if you apply for Czech nationality - you get a sheet with a sequence of Ř-words, which are far worse than f-words or tooth in czeck, which you have to read and which sometimes form this sentence: "Tři tisíce tři sta třiatřicet stříbrných křepelek přeletělo přes tři tisíce tři sta třiatřicet stříbrných střech"; on the other hand, pronunciation of Czech "r" is much simpler and almost anybody can read "strč prst skrz krk".
As mentioned before, vowels are used very seldom in Czeckers; some examples of typical Czech vowel-less sentences are "smrž pln skvrn zvlhl z mlh", "plch zdrhl skrz drn, prv zhltl hrst zrn" or "Zmrd chrt pln skvrn vtrh skrz trs chrp v čtvrť Krč" ("Fucker greyhound full of spots invaded Krč quarter through a cluster of cornflowers").
A generally well known fact is, that the hottest candidate proposed for the election of the new Pope was Czech cardinal Miloslav Vlk (in English: Wolf), he failed to be elected by the College of Cardinals meeting in Conclave for the only one simple obstacle - nobody was able to pronounce his name. He also refused to change his name as many other popes do.
Czech people's famous crude and against-rules way of playing ice-hockey gave nicknames for violent strikes in the game, such as "body-Czechs", "cross-Czeching", "Czeching from behind" or the general "foreCzeching".
Neanderthal got a car (Driving habits)
Having no fear of the disastrously wrecked roads, the majority of Czechs drive. The vehicles serve as a perfect tool to vent daily frustrations and relieve suppressed aggression. Running over pedestrians is allowed and encouraged: it weeds out old and infirm and provides education in Darwinian selection for the kids. Anyone who manages to cross a road obtains a medal and is entitled for a series of sessions with a post-traumatic syndrome specialist.
In fact, only wealthy businessmen and aristocrats can afford automobiles in the Czech Republic. Lower and middle class citizens commute to work on the backs of Ostriches (captured in nearby Austria) and sometimes Emu.
Czechislakizanistanivan is often geographically misplaced. This means that the people forgot where they put it. It use to be a part of the Galactic Empire and was under the control of Sauron but, he thought it was smelly and the stench was getting to his eyes so he thought it was best he put it somewhere else. It is now next to Africa, the Galapagos Islands and Santa's Toy Shop.
Czech population, still remembering how vast the area of their country was during the reign of the most popular Czech king - who in fact was German but according to current Czech law, lex specialis, that is declared to be a rumor - Charles IV, when Czech kingdom had access to the sea, they aspire to sea even today. Based on EU directive #4454654354434 about free access to the sea, Czech diplomats have initiated emergency EU convention meeting, when they were told 'sacrblé'. In fact, the Czech proposition was modest, all they wanted was a 25 m wide strip of Spain. Currently, the proposition is being reworked, with the strip being situated in Italy. Italy is trying to figure out countermeasures, which could contain even donations of two pairs of fine Italian leather shoes for every Czech citizen. It is to be noted, that most Czechs do not wear any shoes and would not therefore know how to keep foot hygiene.
Czech republic is a small country of little to no importance but it represents the major reason for termination of employments among news-writers working for CNN. Many of them placed the country to different world regions, such as Russia or Balkan with this crucial mistake being aired in big moments of history and therefore lessening their importance. CNN management is very sensitive when it comes to information correctness and employment termination was the only choice. For legal reasons, these terminations are being filmed. Some of them were later falsely attributed to Al-qaeda.
Comprehensive tourist guide
- Be careful when using public transportation. Only people who did not take a shower for more than 2 weeks and who are unaware of existence of anti-perspirants are allowed to use public transportation. However, if you plan to travel to Africa or some less developed Asian countries soon, daily use of public transportation is highly encouraged. After approx. 30 days of using subway and trams in Czech Republic, you will develop resistance to every disease known to human kind, including Kardashian fever and Ferengi tongue fungus.
- Also use extreme caution when driving. People in Czech Republic are very determined to kill themselves. The national favorite way to commit a suicide is to go up in flames on a road (or freeway, for owners of more expensive cars) by driving at least 200km/h during dense fog and rain while talking on cellular phone.
- Be wary of Czech road signs. The road signage was developed by Franz Kafka around 1910 and did not change since then. It is not unusual to see many different signs on a short stretch of road that completely contradict each other. For example: Mandatory right turn sign, followed by no right turn allowed sign, then followed by no left turn for owners of corn processing machines with exception of full moon periods, unless the owner of the corn processing machine is a convicted child molester who wrote books about magical realism in the past.
It is actually very easy for the tourists to communicate effectively with the natives.
- The most frequent Czech word is vole (next alternative is voe.The same pronunciation as the first part of English volatile). It is used at the start and the end of every sentence and to adress any person of male gender. In spoken language, it can be also used to express punctation. Never omit it; that would be a sign of disrespect. In some god forgotten areas of Czech lands, you can replace vole with pičo (read as peach-o; in the area most remote from Germany and therefore least opressed in the past, the pronunciation is like German "pütscho"), local people will appreciate it as a sign of cultural understanding. You can also use this word if you don't have anything to say, as it's very disrespectful and insulting to stay silent for more than 1 minute there.
When pronounced with a proper accent, the phrase Ty vole! can be used to express almost any emotion or feeling.
- Use Kde je tu nejbližší bordel? (the ya too nay-blee-shee bohr-dal) to ask for recommendation on which cultural landmark you should visit. Use Přines chlast a žrádlo! (přee-nas hlust ah shruddloh) when you wish to select from the rich choice of local cuisine. As the two sentences are unpronounceable by foreigners, write them down and show the paper. People will be always willing to help.
- Simple and useful Polib si! means thank you, can mean that you eagerly accept a task given to you by your superior.
- Don't forget to compliment on how lovely Eastern Europe is: Miluju tuhle východní Evropu! (mi-loo-yoo toohla vee-kho-dnyee e-phro-poo). Locals always know how to appreciate it.
- Remember: the word zloděj (zlo-dyay) means taxi driver in Czeckers.
- When stopped by local police, be very polite and use Co děláš, debile. (coh dyelush, dabeela) which means Here is my driver license
- Don't forget to be polite. When entering a room, a shop, a bar or a police station, smile, look around and say the universal Good day phrase in Czeckers: Zase se flákáte! (pronunciation: zah-seh seh phlah-kah-teh).
- Leaving a company, say: Naserte si všichni! (pronunciation: nah-seh-er-teh see fshee-khnee) .
- When you are introduced to a new person, shake hands saying: Smrdíš jako prase! (pronunciation: smer-deesh yah-koh prah-seh).
- If you ever encounter a situation in which you do not know how to operate, you may express your concerns by exclaiming Tak, a sem v píči! (tuck, uh Sam v peechy!). This is also polite to say when the answer is not known.
- The most important phrase in any country is, of course: My hovercraft is full of eels. So this is how it is in Czeckers: Mé vznášedlo je plné úhořů. (meh phznah-sha-dloh ye plna oohohřů)
This is about all you need to know:
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.