Cypress Hill

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“I regularly visit Cyprus for my holidays!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cyprus Hill
“We love our Mary Jane”
~ The people of Cypress Hill
“We love our people”
~ Mary Jane on Cypress Hill
“Cypress Hill is a hill in southern Nicaragua”
~ Captain Obvious on Cypress Hill

Cypress Hill, not to be mistaken for Cyprus Hill is a hill in southern Nicaragua ran by woman President Mary Jane. It is mostly populated by strange, post adolescent males. These people, called Cypressians, fought for independence from Nicaragua and The People's Army and won. Cypress Hill is now it's own country. Some of these people are also abnormally fat and stupid, due to the diet that they are forced to stick to on the Hill.

ATypicalCypressian

A typical stoner in the vast marijuana jungles of Cypress Hill


edit Geographical Features

Cypress Hill currently stands at 455,667,234 cm high, from just above sea level. The peak is at times during the winter coated in snow and marijuana, and somewhat unusually during this time, it attracts a large gathering of marijuana geese. Despite being officially part of Nicaragua, the people there, along with the neighboring clan Public Enemy have declared it a separate state, with their own laws, including the legalization of marijuana and other trippy drugs like meth, amphetamine, and methamphetamine, and alcohol. The laws goes on to state that the police should be fucked and the system fought. The people of Cypress Hill are still in a vicious legal battle with the Nicaraguan Government So much as to unattach their hill from the country and float into the sea where they are collected by The Crew and distributed to the people in the form of marijuana

edit National Symbols of Cypress Hill

The national symbols of cypress hill are listed below

  • State Number: 420
  • State Flower: Cannabis Sativa
  • State Color: Green
  • State Animal: The Mighty Green Weed Elk
  • State Bird: Marijuana Geese
  • State Rock: Stoned
  • State Food: Brownies with weed
  • State Animal 2.0: The Stoner (like a guy looking for free weed on the internet)
  • State Drug: DUH! Marijuana
  • State Gas: Pot Smoke
  • State Leader: Mary Jane
  • State Spoiler: All of the state symbols are referring to weed

edit The Formation of a New Government

Ladies and Gentlemen and Oscar Wilde We are gathered upon on this heavenly day, to announce our independence from the terrorist group Nicaragua. They have terrorized, ridiculed our beliefs, and killed our people for the last fucking time. The Peoples Army will protect us from any harm or interference from the terrorists or any system who we are not allies with. We unite to form a new system of ideals, and marijuanas and NO MORE FUCKING TERRORISTS! To help support our economy Al-Qaeda Chicken will help us make our system grow stronger. Because of those stupid terrorists that used to oppress us.

The Crew has power over the following

  • To collect and distribute marijuana to the people
  • To collect and distribute marijuana to the people in the form of methamphetamine
  • To collect and distribute methamphetamine to the people in the form of marijuana
  • To collect and distribute marijuana to the people in the form of marijuana
  • To capture iranian soldiers and jews and deport them to Australia
  • To post random and irrelevant information and distribute to the people
  • Terrorism. OMG! Ice cream. Monkey bananas. Quail fish

The population of the State the local government and the bicameral legislature are governed by The People's Army and The Crew and distributed to the people. Marijuana is seen as a very useful plant that must be controlled and regulated by The Crew and distributed to the people. The Crew released information to the people about housing Osama and other terrorists and terrorist groups as part of a community kindness, and favor for bombing. Al Qaeda Chicken is the largest company based on the Hill. The Crew collects chickens from their pot farm and distributes them equally to the people in the form of marijuana.

edit FAQs

Now it's time for a long (or short) list of useless frequently asked questions


Q: Is pot legal in cypress hill?

A: FUCK YEAH!!!


Q: How do you grow marijuana

A: You put it in the ground and it magically grows into a six foot pole. <insert penis reference here> Er, I mean a six foot tree.


Q:Is Osama Bin Laden in Hell?

A: That's irrelevant. And no he's in heaven having sex with his seventy two virgins


Q: How is Al Qaeda chicken supporting your economy

A: Marijuana gives you the munchies. So why not chow down on some radioactive chicken?


Q: I like Al Qaeda Chicken

A: I know you do, I know you do. Keepin' it real


Q: Where am I?

A: You are in the best place in the world

Q: North Korea?

A: Uh no you fucking ignorant piece of shit. Cypress Hill

Q: Oh.


Q: How did you get your own country?

A: KILL HIM!


Q: If a hypotenuse of a scalene triangle (Triangle a) intersets an equaliteral triangle (triangle B) at 2.44cm from point a? Then where the fuck is triangle C?

A: Triangle C interscets triangle B on angle b. SO b=L x W + b x h(base). So therefore triangle C is located approximatelly 40 feet away from triangle A. Dumbass


Q: Are there any nazi jews on Cypress Hill?

A: yes, the nazi jews are located in the ghetto

Marijuana

edit The People of Cypress Hill

Most habitants of the hill are Insane in the Membrane. But they are not very sane. Barack Obama (the leader of Al-Qaeda) and Osama-bin-laden (the leader of the United States) support the drug reform policies of cypress hill. There are over 200 million Al Qaeda Chicken restaurants in Cypress Hill, which is the basis of their economy.

Due to the increased amount of THC everything feels better in Cypress Hill. Sex feels better, cocaine feels better, even those long business trips are better in Cypress Hill. It just makes everything just great man. It really does.

But there are better drugs than marijuana. Like methamphetamine. A pot high feels good. But a meth high feels extremely good. Which means it should be safer than pot. Pot is the same thing as weed. Weed is the same thing as reefer. Reefer is the same thing as marijuana. Wait! That's not funny it's just boring.

The pop of the clique is Al-Qaeda. The population mainly consists of post-adolescent males, most of whom are stoners, tweakers ,junkies and smack heads. Some of these people are also abnormally fat and skinny, due to the diet that they are forced to stick to on the Hill. The only fruit or vegetable that grows are the snozzcumbers (Of Roald Dahl's The BFG), which taste vile on their own, but when deep fried with the fat from a cow, are delicious as hell. The snozzcumber grows on the bong tree. They enjoy watching the view they have from the Hill. These people are confiscated by The Crew and distributed to the people.

edit Religion

Cypress Hill's religion is run by "The Crew", as they like to be known. Although most residents of Cypress Hill are Rastafari or Jews, there is indeed a mix of religions on The Hill. There are four of them and they are also musicians, with bong hits such as "Lowrider" and "Hits From The Bong". These songs are very important to the religion, like scrolls are to Jews, and like Jihad is important to Terrorism. Their religion requires them to celebrate the Black Sunday. The ceremony is held every Thursday at exactly 12:00AM. Confused? It is said that their religion incorporates Judeo-Christian values. They obey the One Commandment which says: " Everybody is a sinner. Sinners must get stoned. Everybody must get stoned". Jews are a valuable resource to Cypressians. These jews are collected by The Crew stripped of their clothing and valuable possessions and distributed to the people


edit The People's Army

The People's Army is an army ran by The Crew and distributed to the people. They are an evil, but awfully nice communist army which regulates all the exported marijuanas and pigs. Their government is comprised of one body "The State" consisting of a bong, a vaporizer, and 200 pounds of marijuanas. They like to shoot down all other aircraft in the vicinity. Which the debris is then collected by The Crew and distributed to the people by The State. They incorporate all living things except Your Mom and Your Dad which is leaves us with just you and your sister and brother and cousins, and aunt and uncles (but not their parents) and grandfathers, grandmothers.

Thepeoplescommunism

The Peoples Army just wants to help out the nation of Cypress Hill from those totalitarian Nicaraguans.

They perform long flights to Canada and Afganistan.

Their fleet is comprized of

  • an Airbus A321-- for flights with smoking (marijuana)
  • a Boeing F/A 18 Super Hornet- be careful! You will get stung if approached!
  • a 9/11 Boeing 767/757- to intercept and shoot down all other aircraft in the vicinity except hijacked aircraft headed towards famous skyscrapers
  • A nazi plane- to keep the jews from illegally immigrating to The State
  • A jew plane- to keep the nazis from illegally immigrating to The State
  • An American plane- to keep the nazis from killing the jews
  • An Al Qaeda plane- a gift from Osama Bin Laden for letting them bomb the shit out of Cypressians.
  • A British Plane- To try to find and kill ozama von laaden (the nazi version of a Saudi Arabian guy)
  • A Canadian Plane- For kamikaze cypressians

The People's Army is one of the peoples most feared armies. Even The Crew fears the army with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. They are owned an operated by The Taliban and have authoritarian power over the people of the Hill. The Taliban usually drives in the country in their talivan.

edit Police Force

The police force in Cypress Hill are referred to as pigs, porks, punks, or dumbasses. There main weapons are magnums and RPGs. They are usually stolen or confiscated by The Crew and distributed to the people. The pigs are important to the economy of the state as they are the number 1 most important export in the state. Similar to the snozzcumbers, the pigs of the state are vile and disgusting when raw (just as you'd expect). But when deep fried with the fat from a cow are delicious as hell. The pigs are usually killed and cooked on a fire set by The Crew. Some say these pigs are so delicious, that even Hitler and his Hitler Melons love them to death. Even Stalin, and CaptainObvious enjoy a nice Cypress Hill branded pig. They are such a valuable export that people would immigrate to North Korea for just one taste of these delicious pigs. There are illegal pigs living in the state. These pigs usually are too fat and sober to care about anything. These pigs are usually roasted and collected by The Crew and distributed to the people.

Even though these pigs are totally evil right down to the core. They can still live a happy and meaningful life, despite being a fucking cop they are still delicious. Some pigs are tortured to death, and then roasted by The Crew and distributed to the people.

CypressHillPatrol

A Cypress Hill Patrol car. Notice the similarities between a California Highway Patrol car

Keep in mind these laws concerning the pigs

  • If you see a pig on the streets of The Hill, you are required by law to make an insult to the pig, kill the pig, send the body of the pig to The Crew where it will then be roasted and distributed to the people.
  • Do not fear the pig, remember the pig is more scared of you than you are of it
  • Do not feed the pigs, they will want more and will eat your face off
  • Do not offer the pig any marijuana. The pigs will go Bat Fuck Insane and raid all the legal marijuana dispensaries.
  • Do not talk to the pigs, civilians will think you are crazy
  • Do not be alarmed if a pig shows up to your house, all civilians are required to possess a firearm at all times
  • Do not eat the pigs excrement because that's just gross.
  • Do not eat the pigs vomit. Don't even spill it on yourself as the tiniest drop of acid from the stomach of a Cypressian pig has been known to digest an entire living man

Cypressian pigs are very delicious. In fact so delicious that it is an inevitable cure for billions and billions of diseases including:

  • A relapse from weed
  • You know that feeling when you run out of weed. Yeah.

edit Drugs of Cypress Hill

Cypress hill has many legalized drugs (or maybe they are all legalized). This has caused mass panic, as everyone wants to live on a tiny hill in the middle of the ocean so they can legally get high on illegal drugs. Thousands from USSA fled to visit the vast wilderness of this tiny hill (and a freak of nature I might add). Sarah Palin even reserved a reservation at the grand meeting of the Mess Hall. The Crew is responsible for maintaining and taxing all drugs, except Meth. Like totally man. Peace.

Cypress Hill is the only place on earth where cocaine produced is very dangerous due to its high potency delicious. The cocaine is usually placed on the gums or snorted up the nostrils roasted on a frying pan (like LSD or shrooms) and the user is almost always killed due to an overdose because of its potency added to burgers to make some delicious and dangerous Cocaine burgers. This is why the cocaine is the only illegal drug on Cypress Hill prized for its delicious flavor, and decent price buzz. The People's Army also declared war on it. Although this cocaine is stupid and ignorant illegal in the state, it still accounts for numerous Air Mexicana crashes as the ignorant pilots were crashing on cocaine, they crashed into the communist hills of China, and North Korea This cocaine is usually confiscated by The Crew and distributed to the people.

Crack is more dangerous than cocaine. another major cash crop on Cypress Hill. It has once been said that cypress hill is the invention place of crack cocaine. The crack is also very dangerous as all forms of cocaine on The Hill are very dangerous due to it's high potency delicious. However, there is a different recipe for Crack on The Hill. It is usually placed in a pipe or bong and smoked placed inside a rabbits ear, and deep fried in hot oil. Then it is optional to cover the ear with Awesome sauce However, This may cause the user to die instantly because of a heart attack a feeling of well-being, and super incredible fantastic awesomeness. Crack is the only drug that allows users to feel high for 15 minutes.

Methamphetamine is more dangerous than crack has become an dangerous important industry in the state. Methamphetaminology is a major subject and is offered in it's high school courses for those wishing to make this their career. (yes I get it, I said "high") Various government owned and operated meth labs (and equipment) are located at random locations across The Hill. Some of these labs have been known to randomly explode in peoples faces. The Crew collects the meth from the meth labs located at the various locations among the hill and distributes them to the people in the form of Marijuana and methamphetamine

Heroin is more dangerous that meth another major export on the hill of cypress. The hills of the cypress hill are the hills with cypress trees indeed. Heroin is good. Which is why it is legal, and socially acceptable on The Hill. The Crew, even enjoys shoving a heroin needle in theirs arms and injecting the Psychoactive ingredients. Heroin is bad has helped the economy of The Hill so much that The Crew legalized heroin for minors and children. Because once you try it you're hooked forever. And there is nothing wrong with that at all!

The Dimethyltryptamine (DMT), and methelendioxymethamphetamine (MDMA), and dextromethorphan (DXM) on cypress hill is the worst possible thing you can ever imagine best possible world children can live in. Give children drugs, it's the right thing to do, and never give a fish cocaine though, it will kill them. Don't give dogs caffeine or marijuana.. This will give the dogs supernatural powers that will harvest your soul and transport it to another realm in the middle of space. Like totally man.

LSD or Acid, is a very, very dangerous important export from The Hill. The Crew makes the dangerous acid, and distributes them to the people and the surrounding foreigners. It is very very, very dangerous potent on The Hill, and makes some people go Bat Fuck Insane and/or Ape Shit Crazy (do not mix up the two or you will be sent to hell). Acid is sooo fucking dangerous trippy man, like it'll have you dropping dead tripping balls man. Like totally man.


And let's not forget about the NUMBER 1 most dangerous important drug on the streets of Cypress Hills. MAGIC MUSHROOMS these mushrooms are usually confiscated by The Crew and distributed to the people in the form of magic mushrooms. The mushrooms growing on The Hill are very, very dangerous savages and so deadly powerful it only takes a single atom of Psilocybin to kill you and send you to fucking hell where you will burn FOREVER!! HAHAHAHA!!!!! have you like trippin' balls. Man. Like they will like totally like have you like dead as a door knob tripping over death balls man. Like totally deadly man. Peace out dead man!


But of course, there are drugs on the hill that cannot be avoided without painful withdrawal or relapse symptoms

These drugs include:

  • Cannabis
  • Heroin
  • Cocaine
  • Methanol alcohol (poison)
  • Adderal
  • Acid
  • LSD
  • Lucy
  • Lysergic acid diethylamide
  • All the other names for LSD
  • LSA (The pussy version of LSD)
  • Shrooms
  • DXM
  • DMT
  • PCP
  • Ecstasy
  • Ketamine
  • Bat Guano
  • leprechauns
  • more leprechauns
  • Anarchism
  • Communism
  • Capitalism
  • Nazism
  • Jewism
  • Alcoholism
  • Drugs man, drugs.
  • Psychedelic mushroom poisoning
  • Fear of Justin Beiber (beiberophobia)
  • Fear or like of light (photophobia/photophilia)
  • Fear or like of leprechauns
  • Fear of the "Man" using you to do his dirty deeds
  • Cannabis again man.

edit Vegetation

Marijuana is the only major plant which grows in the soil of the hill. Which consists mostly of skulls and bones. For this reason it is used among others as food, drink, paint and toilet paper. Also the crime rate is very low because all criminals and raiders are always stoned (the stones aren't actual stones but skulls stuffed with marijuana). The official Cypress Hill national anthem discusses these issues.

Cypress hill is home to the densest marijuana jungles in the world. The countries leaders report that there are at least 1 missing people in the jungles. A missing gay mexican jew with a hat named Alexandro Braunstein was reported missing last Saturday. Not a single attempt to search for it/him was executed because nobody cares about a missing gay hermaphrodite mexican jew with a hat.

Marijuana isn't the only plant growing on The Hill man. Peyote Cactus is reported to grow as well. It is reported that for every marijuana plant there is an actual peyote cactus ready to mate with its partner. Once the peyote pair up they are mates for life. The peyote spends most of its time underground. Mating. Sex

Also illegally native to Cypress Hill are illegally illegal opium illegal poppies, illegal jimson weed, and illegally rolling meth labs complete with illegal tweakers. These illegal plants are illegally evil, and are illegally seen by the illegal people of Cypress Hill as illegally laborous and illegally intensive illegal work, and nobody should illegally work illegally while illegally high illegally on these illegally illegal plants. These illegal plants are usually illegally confiscated illegally by The Crew and illegally distributed to the illegal people, illegally of course.

The best strain of marijuana that grows on Cypress Hill is the Panama Red-Blueberry-Purple-Kush-Kush-Green Crack Haze. Panama Red-Blueberry-Purple-Kush-Kush-Green Crack Haze is so popular on cypress hill that it was made legal in 1937 by the People's Army. This strain of marijuana is often confiscated by The Crew and distributed to the people.

edit Agriculture

Marijuana is grown outside or inside with hydro. The currency of the Hill is measured in marijuanas and bongs from the bong tree. and the Hill's mint and bank is run by Doctor Greenthumb. Doctor Greenthumb promotes his Sizzlean Screens, which covers marijuana crops over the entire country from Nicaraguan and international police. Marijuana flowers are usually confiscated by The Crew and distributed to the people.

Since the 1930's, The Crew and The State regulate all marijuana crops, and distribute them to the people, equally and fairly; because of the governments philosophy "Everybody Must Get Stoned".

Personal tools
projects