Kingpin: Life of Crime

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This is how everyone in this game looks.

Kingpin: Life of Crime is a violent 1999 first person shooter crime game set in a really, really run-down ghetto in some kind of artistic 1930s set-up but with the conveniences of modern technology. Although no official source suggests the game spawned when its studio failed to secure rights to a Pulp Fiction video game, the game has nearly everything that Quentin Tarantino could possibly offer, except for sodomy and excessive use of the term "nigger". The makers of the game were unlucky, and just happened to have their violent, murderous crime-simulating first person shooter released in mid-1999, when Senator Lieberman decided first person shooters were deadly and evil Satan simulators. Somehow he was convinced that this very game was used by murders back in April.

edit Development

Xatrix Entertainment wanted to create a crime simulator so they could practice shooting people, as that is violent video games are for. Realising that everyone else would like such a game, they went on to create a gang simulator with no gangs. As this was before Grand Theft Auto became 3D, they knew their game would be successful.

For greater atmosphere, they hired a real gang, Cypress Hill to help. Cypress Hill, who happened to be rappers, composed the music for the game, and they also appear in it themselves to voice most of the characters. This can be best seen in the intro, which has a seriously stoned out of his mind crime boss and his even higher assistant having two different conversations that make no progress whatsoever. The group were warned several times not to smoke weed before voicing, but they forgot that Cypress Hill are never sober.

edit Plot

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Kingpin: Life of Crime.

The plot of the game begins with a wobbily[1] Scouser waking up in an alleyway after being beaten up and dumped their by two evil cronies of the eponymous kingpin; despite the game's title, you are not actually a kingpin - this is the first of many anti-climatic downers the game has to offer. So the character goes off to hunt after the kingpin who left him here.

After fighting his way through several wacky neighbourhoods, our protagonist finds himself finally faced up against Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction the kingpin, who turns out to be a ridiculously overpowered boss. Despite the challenge, our protagonist manages to defeat the Kingpin with a rocket launcher. The Kingpin's wife escapes on a helicopter, hoping to return in a sequel. It is generally assumed the helicopter crashed, because no sequel was made.

Having just played through this fun and dynamic game for ages now, the protagonist is finally the Kingpin. However, the game manages to disappoint the player one last time by showing us what the Kingpin does - he sits there on a desk talking to the stoned assistant from the first cutscene. The protagonist looks at the camera in absolute disappointment and the game ends.

edit Release

Xatrix Entertainment planned to release the game casually like any other game company would do. Hilariously, however, the company went bankrupt and closed down less than 5 minutes after the game was released, and it is probably no coincidence that Lieberman was found walking away wearing a ski mask on his head and a large bag saying "loot" over his shoulder. Because there was no company for the money to go to, Cypress Hill took all the profit themselves, which was enough for them to pay their way into the lives of A-list celebrities.

edit See Also

edit Notes

  1. The game runs on the Quake engine, where everyone's skin is wobbily
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