Cynthia Rothrock

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Latest revision as of 11:41, June 18, 2009

“She rocks. I wish I were heterosexual so she could kick me in the groin 'till my balls are reduced to paste”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cynthia Rothrock
Look
Cynthia Rothrock, mistress of fashion and elegance.

Cynthia Vulva Muffelsteinberg Rothrock (b.1957), also known as the "transgendered Chuck Norris", is a minor American deity and a twenty-times undefeated champion of Eagle Mantis Dragon Claw Kung Fu (known in some circles as Ching Chong Karate). She is best known for starring in thirty-five Indonesian-produced straight-to-video ballbusting films and fifty-seven straight-to-cable american-produced educational videos about the cooking of steamed crabs.

edit Early career

Cynthia Rothrock was born in some useless place in the United States and later won eighty-five martial arts championships thanks to her deadly technique of smothering her opponents, male or female, with her vagina. After a successful career in S&M bisexual porn, she became a star in Hong Kong and Indonesian martial arts films, such as All your Dragon Lady are belong to us, Thundering Three-Star Tai Chi Massacre or Incredible Magnificent Heroic Shaolin Trio, in which 50% of her action amounted to be doubled by underpaid Chinese stuntmen with blonde wigs (or without, these Chinese fuckers just didn't care). She spent the remaining 50% breaking every bone in the bodies of the aforementioned starving stuntmen in a variety of fight scenes.

Cynthia Rothrock's career in Hong Kong came to an end after she accidentally castrated Jackie Chan on the set of Operation Deadly Thunder of Gigantic Vulture.
Scorpionkick
Cynthia Rothrock on a date.

edit Fighting style

When not doubled by chinese stuntmen, Rothrock has demonstrated a unique fighting style, popularly known as groin attack, which has cemented her reputation among martial arts buff and made her a force to be feared on tatamis all over the world. Cynthia Rothrock's fighting technique, when facing a male opponent, consists mainly of mauling or torturing the male genitals. This involves various moves such as genital spanking, ball busting, and genital flogging, generally performing genital bondage on defeated opponents. On female opponents, Rothrock's use of vulva kicking has proved slightly less effective, but still remains deadly, especially when coupled with her much-feared tit punching attack. Rothrock has also mastered the use of deadly weapons such as cock harnesses, testicle cuffs, cock rings, breast clamps, and other orgasm-inducing paraphernalia for S&M enthusiasts. Her ability to use ball stretchers to maximum effect has become close to legendary.

edit Homage

In honor of Cynthia Rothrock's fighting style, a German Grindcore Band has assumed the name of Cock and Ball Torture.

edit Birth of the Rothrock cult

After returning to the United States, Rothrock learned from Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal the ancient art of making crap movies, and started a highly successful career as a cult leader, pandering to the millions of members of the audience who fancy a good kick in the nuts. The Rothrock Cult was based essentially on the worship of her ability to inflict multiple fractures of all possible kinds (complete, incomplete, comminuted, spiral, compacted, transverse : you name it) to every possible bone of the human body, whilst engaging in playful combat. On a good day, Rothrock would normally break the kneecaps of about 15 of her worshippers.

In the process, she became the mistress of both Norodom Sihanouk and Jacques Chirac, after the latter had been most impressed by her performance as Sonya Blade in the video game Mortal Kombat.

edit Foray into ballbusting exploitation

After the demise of the video market in the 2000s, due to the fact that Hollywood has started to produce pictures dumber than the crassiest B-movies ever made, Cynthia Rothrock has made a living as a professor of Chinese cuisine, director of testicles-torture porn movies, and Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonator at lesbian clubs and orgies.

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edit See also

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