Cyborg Hitler
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“I'll be back...”
~ Cyborg Hitler on pretending to be the Terminator
| Hitler in General |
| Persons named Hitler |
| Other Hitlers |
| Imitation Hitlers |
| Could be Hitler (due to vowel orthogonality) |
In May 1945 Nazi German ministers and evil mad scientists decided it was time to create a cyborg version of their deceased fuhrer. Little did they know how successful they would be.
Contents |
[edit] The Beginning
Using technology recovered from downed alien crafts and stolen documents from the USA, they began crafting his neural network. Including everything from poison arrow dart frogs to jazz music, they filled his operating system with everything evil they could get their Nazi hands on including Uno and cats with guns.
They then constructed his body. Twelve feet tall, titanium-iridium shielding, and hand crafted goat leather(for that realistic skin feel)made him the biggest bad-ass cyborg ever. With sixty-four articulation points, Cyborg Hitler could beat Chuck Norris and Nurmal in any hand to hand combat situation. Originally his blueprints included laser eyes, flaming claws, and a forty-two inch rotating proboscis in his nether regions. These were all axed when one of the developers exclaimed "Zeez zings make him zook totally gay.", the other replied "Nein, es ist gut, JA!".
Cyborg Hitler's power supply was taken from one of the downed alien crafts that UFO nuts persist in believing Germany had, they really didn't understand how it worked and no one else does either. Speculation is that it somehow utilized crystallized sweat from baby Jesus for energy conversion. How baby Jesus sweat does this, or even how baby Jesus sweat is obtained is never explained properly.
[edit] Cyborg Hitler's rise to power
Shortly after his creation, Cyborg Hitler was let off his leash and allowed to do what he was created for: eat spinach and rule Germany. Unfortunately he did his job too well and soon his evilmatrix decided it was time to get back at the one person he hated more than anything else in this world, Cyborg Rabbi.
Back at the Cyborg Hitler development lab, Cyborg Hitler and Cyborg Rabbi were best friends. That is until Cyborg Rabbi stole Cyborg Hitler's Cyborg girlfriend and destroyed Cyborg Hitler's only chance at ever getting cybersex. This of course destroyed Cyborg Hitler's heart chip. Vowing vengeance, Cyborg Hitler set out on his journey to conquer the world.
[edit] Cyborg Hitler and WWVII
Shortly after his start on conquering the world, Cyborg Hitler was replaced by Cloned Hitler. No one really knows what happened to Original Hitler, although the speculation has something to do with a ditch and fire. Cyborg Hitler was stored in a basement under a breadshop in Berlin until the start of World War VII. Once again dominating the region(he's a cyborg, it's obvious he'd be able to do that, sheesh read a book or two)he quickly made a new axis of evil with the Democratic Republic of Penguins. After several stunningly won battles against the Alliance of Cyborg-hating People Lovers or ACPL, Cyborg Hitler and the DRP were allegedly wiped out of existence by an Atom Bomb. Shortly after the explosions, a cheesy ending scene featuring Cyborg Hitler's mangled hand rising out of rubble trying to grasp at the daylight was shown on the Director's Cut version of the DVD.
[edit] Cyborg Hitler in Video Games
Cyborg Hitler is a popular bad guy often ressurected in video games. "Top Secret: Hitler no Fukkatsu" or ("Bionic commando" in the US) on the NES featured Cyborg Hitler as the end boss. Not only was this version of Hitler a cyborg, but he was also a zombie. In the final Cutscene you get to see the death of Zombie Cyborg Hitler in all it's pixelated glory as his head explodes in as much graphic detail the NES can handle. You would think that game developers would create games that include this brilliant secnerio more often. Nintendo censored the US release of the game, removing all Nazi references. The enemies were renamed from "Nazis" to "Badds" (though the backstory in the instruction manual referred to them as "Nazz", and the European game manual still mentions Nazis). Hitler's name was also changed to "Master-D". However he still resembled Hitler, and the scene in which his head exploded was still included in the game.
Another NES game to feature a Cyborg Hitler was "Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode". Again, Nintedo removed all Nazi references from the US release. You play an assasin/spy named Duke Togo, whose mission is to gain information on a vaccine from Condor and eliminate the leader of the DREK group. The DREK "empire" is actually the resurrected Nazi regime. And it's leader, known as Smirk, is Cyborg Hitler, who again features as the final boss in the game.
[edit] See also
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