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Cwmbrân was a new town, conceived by the New Towns Act of 1946 in order to house unwanted vermin overspill from Newport, Cardiff and Bristol, a plan which intended to plug areas of void and anti-matter with matter, although time has taught us that Cwmbran doesn't matter at all. Literally translated its name means 'The valley of the gay crow' and it is twinned with the German town of Bruschal.

Cwmbrânistanis, as the town's population are called, were sucked into the void that once cut Gwent in two in the same way that a vacuum cleaner sucks, and the process is still evident in the accent, just as white noise is still visible on television screens (particularly between 9:00am and 5.00 pm). Some would argue that Cwmbrân still sucks.

The landscape is varied and Cwmbrân offers views of both rubber factories and chemical factories which Cwmbrânistanis see as being the norm. This is due to their inability to escape the town to see other towns, mainly because of the one-way system.


Cwmbrân - it's a bit shit.

edit Cwmbrânistanis Artwork

Cwmbrânistanis are a art loving culture and examples of fine art can be seen throughout the town, if you're in Cwmbrân why dont you visit the various rapey-looking underpasses that are spread throughout the town where exhibits such as "If you want fun time phone.....", "your dad loves da cock" and "Paki Ashton has a tight cunt" or alternatively visit some of the more upmarket areas such as Northville and Southville and see the mural daubings on fences such as "leave my wife alone" and "Felt Roof Massiv"

The typical form of art observed is that of the "pavement pizza". The legendary artist "Wanksy" is rumoured to have visited Cwmbrân on many occasions to display his work during the 1980s and 1990s.

Cwmbran pavement pizza maker

A "Wanksy" displaying his artwork on his neighbours doorstep. Observe the brightness and taupidity of colours and the artits audacity to confuse the spherical form with the randomness of oversplash.

edit Shopping

Cwmbran Shopping Centre is the biggest shopping precinct in Wales, where people come to wear despondency on their sleeves as they sip tea from one of the many tramp cafés. Many of the covered walkways and side streets are filled with young men looking for an apprenticeship at JD.

Gwent Square remains the slough of this despond, comprising morbidly obese women with six reclusive children hiding in each fatty fold, while their boyfriends make a living by making tea for the many hundreds of pensioners no less aimless than themselves.

edit Climate

The shopping centre is the coldest place on Earth, and is reflected in the dead expressions of the people who roam around it, in a never-ending circuit, eating sausage rolls and drinking Taurus.

edit Landmarks

Located in southern Cocker Avenue, There is a Mushroom shaped tree that greets all travelers with delight and amazement.

FOSTERS, the alcohol shop on Richmond Road in Pontnewydd, which is frequented every Friday and Saturday night by hoardes of under-age alcoholic chavs who reside in the area.

The Triangles, a series of underpasses that follows the dirt-track route from Cwmbran Station to The Boating Lake via the railway line. First port of call for anyone wishing to consume their illegally purchased alcoholic beverages in relative safety from arrest by the local police force.

The Boaty is also used by underage drinkers wishing to try their hand at fishing on the weekends. Empty cans of Stella and bottles of White Lightning can often be seen floating around on the surface of the water.

Family Kebab House: Situated in Oldbruy Road, this is a firm favourite of the drunken rabble leaving the Cwmbran Working Mens Band Club. Offering a choice of both Lamb Doner meat and Chicken meat (or a combination of both), it's at its busiest when the nearby pubs of Old Cwmbran shut tap.

The mushroom of cwmbran 0018359378564-iaza

Behold, The Eighth Wonder of The Pikey World.

edit Trivia

  • Cwmbran has more roundabouts per ca-pita than anywhere else in the world
  • Cwmbran was once home to "The Pleasure Dome NITECLUB", situated on Glyndwr Road. Closed and demolished in September 2004, because the police had enough of it being spelt NITECLUB.
  • Cross breeding with Newportonians is strictly prohibited.
  • Wagon Wheels are made in Burtons by little orange people know as Gurka-Turkas (residents of the Oakfield estates). Years of inbreeding and fake tan have resulted in their strange hue.


edit See also

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