Curtains

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“Either these curtains go or I do”
~ Oscar Wilde on his death bed

“CURTAINS?!?! I fucking HATE those things!!!”
~ Sirius Black on his fear of curtains on Curtains
“I will block out the sun forever! Muahahahaha!!!”
~ Count Dracula on Curtains
My-Bedroom-Window

A curtain with a nude woman, who actually has a small arse, but her tiny waist makes her bum look big in the curtain. It's always good to play up the "tiny waist" gambit if faced with a "big arse" attempt at a row. You won't win, but "tiny waist" will be remembered, even if it is a blatant lie. You might even get a hand-job out of it.

Curtains are part of the Axis of Evil, as laid out by well known philanthropist, George W Bush. The war on terror is being considered for expansion to include curtains, after the total and undeniable victory in Iraq. You too can join the discussion here.

edit History

Curtains have been prevalent in all major events throughout history. Alexander the Great was secretly assassinated by the curtains, or rather, their evil secret organization, the Lou Dobbs Fan Club. Genghis Khan made an alliance with them. Hitler consulted with curtains 5 times a day.

Curtains have been a part of the world since before humans evolved. In fact, some say that human civilization was created by curtains.

edit The curtains giveth, the curtains taketh away

The curtains, it's been theorised, created humanity and its civilization. However, it has been proved without a doubt that the curtains have destroyed civilizations. The sinking of Atlantis was caused by the almighty power of the curtains, after the Atlantean leader Max Power broke a promise to them. The nature of that promise is unclear from Atlantean art, however we do know it involved toothpicks. :O

2213272502

Note the lack of a nose...

The curtains are also responsible for the fall of the Egyptians, because of the pyramids, which the Egyptians built in a day, unnecessary comma, in a blitzkrieg-type manoeuvre , because pyramid shaped objects weaken the curtains' powers. However, the curtains rose above and as can be seen, completely destroyed the Ancient Egyptians, and, for spite, removed the nose from the Sphinx.

edit Early years

The curtain originated in Africa in an attempt to thwart the white man Michael Jackson, and prevent him from watching little children through the window as they slept. However, the curtain soon became a useful tool for blocking out the sun so that the hunting parties could sleep in the middle of the day after a long night hunting the shaggy-haired Hansonius girlia. Before the curtain, the hunting party would be awake for 24 hours which made them very, very cranky.

edit Emigration from Africa

The curtain soon became popular all over the world with the most notable innovation in recent centuries being the construction of the Iron Curtain. It also became widely used in Broadway as a means of removing bad actors(Mel Gibson,Olsen Twins and Tom Cruise from the stage as the gong and hook were losing their efficiency.

edit Countries and so forth

Several countries have been founded by the curtains. Spain, Mongolia and Panama to name a few. The reason that curtains create countries is so that they can control the population.

As with all products, more uses for the curtain were soon developed. Murderers were now able to conceal themselves almost entirely, with the exception of their shoes. Also when the house contained no carpets, the murderer was able to wrap the dead body in the curtain for easy transportation to the river, ravine or other dumping spot.

edit The future of curtains

Curtains were here before us and will remain long after we are gone. They will continue to dominate and subvert us as long as they decide to allow our species to survive.

But they are becoming stronger and non-flammable. Without being flammable, we cannot win. Burning is not as fun as tearing. It's not. I promise.

edit Anatomy

Curtains consist of four main parts.

Cloth Rod Rings Multi-dimensional quasi-conductive supertronic laseristic generator
The cloth is the bulk of a curtains body. It can be in various shapes and sizes, there are no restrictions. They can be any colour, any mixture of colours, patterned or unpatterned. The rod is the phallus of the curtain. Like men, they believe it to be the most important and impressive body part, whereas, it really isn't. Size matters to the curtains. These are used to attach the curtains to the rods. They have evolved from bones, or more particularaly, joints. Essentially the simplest part to understand, it is the reason that curtains are so powerful. It is the brains, workhorse and paper-mache balloon of a curtain. It gives curtains their intelligence, their magical powers, their communication skills and their mojo.

edit Anomalies

Whilst most curtains enjoy playing subtly with humans, treating them as playthings, creating and destroying civilisations with a flick of the cloth, some are a bit different. Most prefer tactics and strategies that are quiet and barely noticable, but there are a few that are not as intelligent or disciplined and it is as a result of these few that we know about curtains and their inherent evilness.

Baby huff

An anomalous curtain about to huff a young baby

Some of these anomalies have been known to:

  • Eat people.
  • Tell bad yo momma jokes
  • Force people to eat food McDonalds wouldn't sell
  • Huff small children
  • Send people to other dimensions
  • Chuck planets around like baseballs

edit Warnings!

If you come across a curtain

  • DO NOT TALK TO IT!
  • DO NOT MAKE DEALS WITH IT
  • DO NOT LOOK IT STRAIGHT IN THE MULTI-DIMENSIONAL QUASI-CONDUCTIVE SUPERTRONIC LASERISTIC GENERATOR (which is overdue to the [[[local library]]])
  • "NEVER.EVER STEAL A CURTAINS CIGARETTES. THEY ARE EXTREMELY ADDICTED TO NICOTINE AND WILL GO THROUGH EXTRAORDINARY LIMITS TO GET THEM BACK"*

edit And above all

  • DO NOT COMMENT ON THE SIZE OF ITS ROD. EVER!
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