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The one that Univisión did not buy out

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Saturday, December 3, 2016, 21:54:59 (UTC)

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No to Farage
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Brexit-champion Nigel Farage is ready to immigrate to the U.S., joining millions of squeegee men and welfare cheats from Latin America to Ukraine. Farage said he would feel "freer" in America to make hare-brained proposals, apparently unaware that the U.S. has no federal referendum at all.

Farage would still have to learn about the concept of states, and select one to live in. The smart money is on California, where virtually anything can be put up to a November vote. And, it has porn stars. Full story»


Air conditioners
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump reported progress in keeping the state of Indiana from picking up and moving to Mexico, using fifteen Twitter tweets, most sent on Thanksgiving.

VP-elect Mike Pence assisted by holing up in the Indiana Governor's Office and refusing either to come out or to walk toward the south. Full story»

Factory floor
ST. PETER'S GATE -- The Heavenly Father has given "airtight" assurances to Donald Trump that the sun will not stop rising, at least not before his inauguration.

Trump jawboned the Almighty following tweets to Ford Motor Company not to pull out of Kentucky. But it is the Focus, built in Dearborn, that Ford was moving to San Luis Potosí, and even that factory was staying open, to block jobless claims by ex-workers. Full story»


Trump Tower 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans went to vote at the polls in large numbers, clogging up not just voting systems but the Canadian immigration website as Donald Trump came from behind.

The day was a series of screw-ups, most notably that the closing time for polls was several hours later than the opening time for bars, added to by an unfortunate effort to attract millennials uninterested in either 70-year-old candidate by putting legalization of pot on the same ballot. Full story»

Donald Trump hair
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nearly 3 in 4 Americans told pollsters that they believe Donald Trump was elected President. Those who disagree said it is probably not worth shooting a policeman over.

The results involved 865 adults or children trying to make their voices deeper, adjusted by discarding enough Republicans to give an accurate portrayal — the same process pollsters had used to predict a Hillary Clinton landslide. Full story»


Statintaking
SAN DIEGO, California -- Doctors have blamed extensive statin use across a declining middle-aged, middle-class America for Donald Trump’s late-onset victory in the Presidential elections.

The victory of Donald Trump has been diagnosed as nothing less than a full-blown myocardial infarction for the Constitution, defibrillation for the Demographic and acute angina to all those First Lady wannabees. Full story»

DonaldTrump1
WASHINGTON, Trump City -- United States President-elect Donald Trump is ready to implement a "name change" for the country when he takes office next January.

"George Washington had our capital city named after him, and an entire state, to boot. I am so much greater than he is — I can't tell you how great, you'll see — that I ought to get naming rights to the entire nation. Trump Nation. Sounds catchy, doesn't it? Sounds real good. America First, Trump Firster." Full story»

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