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Friday, October 28, 2016, 04:43:59 (UTC)

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Justin Bieber
ST. LOUIS, Missouri -- American scientists report that they have devised a pill that could extend lifespans by a decade or more, with a compound that occurs naturally in avocado, broccoli, and cucumber, three things no one really wants to eat.

The researchers found a protein called NAD involved in energy production. As animals get older, the 'nads work less efficiently and efforts to inject more, using a device called a GO-NAD, failed. Full story»

Ratan Tata
MUMBAI, India -- Tata Sons have abruptly replaced Miley Cyrus with an up-and-coming performer with the stage name of Ra-ta-ta-ta.

Ra-ta-ta-ta led the company before he reached 75 and let Cyrus take over. Board-room sources say Directors were concerned about the way Walt Disney sexualises its child stars, though Cyrus never once showed her ta-tas at Tata's annual meetings. Full story»

Qualcomm 5G
HANGUL, South Korea -- The long wait for 5G cellphone technology will end in February 2018, as a demonstration is rolled out during the Winter Olympics here.

Qualcomm engineers report that the X50 Snapdragon chip performs perfectly, or would, if there were any 5G wireless networks. The chip will be ideal for cellphones and home wireless routers, subject to the same modest limitation. Full story»

Chris Wallace
LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Presidential candidate Donald Trump, by all accounts winning the third debate, was stumped by Fair And Balanced® moderator Chris Wallace of Fox News.

Mr. Wallace asked, "Mr. Trump, will you react with civility when you lose the election on November 8?" The candidate refused to rule out flying a commercial airliner into the new World Trade Center. Full story»

UnNews Logo Potato1LOST IN SPACE
CYBERSPACE -- Twitter rolled out flashy new uniforms for its 60,000 employees who have face-to-face dealings with customers.

The move seems a desperate attempt to paper over the corporation's problems, including a data breach that compromised 500 million accounts, Congress's investigation of whether customers had additional Twitter accounts opened for them, and the fact that suitors for the company are dropping like flies. Full story»

Boris VR
LONDON -- Leading Brexiteers are cheering that the Oculus Rift is going wireless.

Boris Johnson has commissioned Virtual Reality gurus to pilot a digital overlay of Hackney as an international market full of Aboriginal didgeridoos and jangly Chinese plastic tat. London’s pixel-perfect streets will be lined with luscious oak trees, bursting with apples, bananas, coconuts and tenners. Full story»

Dancing Girl of Mohendro-daro
NEW DELHI, India -- Pakistan is demanding the return of the famous "Dancing Girl," just after India's notorious "surgical strike" across the Line Of Control.

Narendra Modi worried that the Pakistanis were contemplating a surgical strike of their own. However, the Girl turns out to be a four-inch-high (10.5 cm) statuette. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights October 28

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"Hide and Seek." If you cannot see your parents, do they still exist?

Finish Your Peas Drama
Lifetime. 9:00 PM EDT/8:00 CDT
Someday, little Tommy will be DEAD.
THEN they'll be sorry!

Future shock Science documentary
Science Channel 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Scientists gloat about technology takeover. Michio Kaku attempts to help us understand why we have to do what the robots are telling us to.

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