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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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Friday, August 28, 2015, 22:52:59 (UTC)

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Megyn Kelly
NEW YORK CITY -- Zillionaire casino magnate Donald Trump has tweeted that his Fox News adversary, info-babe Megyn Kelly, is a "bimbo."

In its ongoing goal of giving newspeople equal treatment with newsmakers, UnNews interviewed Ms. Kelly to give her the chance to refute the credible allegation that she is mere eye-candy for horny couch potatoes. Full story»

Oshkosh overalls
OSHKOSH, Wisconsin -- Oshkosh Corp. has won a U.S. Army contract for Joint Light Tactical Vehicles, beating out both Lockheed Martin and Cheney-Halliburton.

Pentagon officials selected a baby clothing company over competing bids from experienced military vehicle competitors because of the prototype's colorful rattles, squeaky toys, and mobiles with chimes — certainly not based on the company's responses to intrusive IRS questionnaires, nor campaign contributions. Full story»

CAMBRIDGE, UK -- Professor Stephen Hawking and colleagues say the information on the Iraq War needed to complete the Chilcot Inquiry is located within black holes at the centre of the galaxy.

David Cameron expressed his frustration at the lack of progress towards warp drive technology that would let officials reach the information in the black holes. Full story»

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Burger King has proposed to McDonald's to collaborate for one day.

Burger King made the appeal by having its public-relations firm tweet it out to the entire world, just in case McDonald's public-relations firm were watching. Americans could support a worthy cause by simply overeating, while two corporate titans could burnish their reputations without doing anything real. Full story»

PALMYRA, Syria -- ISIS militants have dynamited the archaeological ruins of Baalshemin. The ancient Pagan god Baal (pictured, second from left) was honored for nearly two millennia here at "The Baalpark."

Britain-based Syrian Observatory for Human Rights condemned the attack. "Gang-rapes and burning people alive, perhaps. But they should leave historical relics. These were on the World Heritage List, after all." Full story»

UnNews Logo Potato1GOING DOWN
PORTMAGEE, Ireland -- The world could be facing its greatest maritime disaster in history.

Distress messages in Morse code are being received in the UK from the “unsinkable” California, stating she is on the rocks and taking water faster than bilge pumps can cope with. Full story»

Bob Doll
UnNews Logo Potato1GOING UP, OR DOWN
NEW YORK CITY -- Wall Street expert Bob Doll, Chief Equity Strategist at Nuveen, announced, "There is a chance the bottom's in. I can say it's at least 50 percent."

CNBC's Squawk Box carried the remarks, balanced by an opposing opinion from Doll from two days earlier. Nobel laureate Robert Shiller confirmed that the bloodbath may get even nastier. And something "even bigger and bigger" might happen afterward, or maybe not. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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