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Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, March 4, 2015, 15:40 (UTC)
UnNews Logo Potato1PANIC in the SKIES
WILD WOOD FOREST, England -- A weasel has qualified to fly woodpeckers, the first woodland air ambulance pilot in Wild Wood Forest.

Captain Weasel began his career as a delivery driver, but felt there was more to life, and was inspired to give his species raise a more positive profile by an episode of Animal Rescue. Full story»

Spock hand
STARFLEET -- Mr. Spock passed away Friday, the victim of a temporal paradox through repeated time travel, which implies that he may never have been alive at all.

He was hospitalized last week but was released several days later. If he achieved this with more time travel, it is possible that he was never hospitalized to begin with. He regretted having smoked, though it is not clear why he didn't just go further back in time and hide his butts. Full story»

Boris Nemtsov
MOSCOW, Russia -- Mourners for Boris Nemtsov were consoled by police explaining that the gunshots to the back were ruled a quadruple suicide — tragic, as the necessary dexterity and stamina meant it was a loss of true talent.

Or it might have been the work of Islamic terrorists making it look as though Putin had him killed for his rhetoric. Spokesmen said it showed uncanny cleverness for the enemies of Russia to rub out an enemy of Russia just to make Putin look bad. Full story»

OSLO, Norway -- Rats have brought a genus-action lawsuit for libel after scientists in Norway revealed that the true carriers of the Black Death were gerbils.

Researchers writing in the Journal of the British Rodent Guild explain why the plague, which wiped half of Europe's population in the mid 14th century, spread so quickly — gerbils were being passed around openly in cages as playthings — unlike rats, which no one will touch, unless they're Goths or into the occult. Full story»

Charles the tweaker
DENVER, Colorado -- In the early hours of last Saturday morning, a Denver man tweeted claiming to be the first person to binge-watch the new season of House of Cards twice, barely a day after its initial release.

Viewer "Charles" called his buddy for some meth for the occasion, offering to trade his "nut." Charles' contact seemed disinterested in his testicles, however, and more inclined towards cash — which Charles, in his own words, "also had." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights March 4

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"Hide and Seek." If you cannot see your parents, do they still exist?

Finish Your Peas Drama
Lifetime. 9:00 PM EDT/8:00 CDT
Someday, little Tommy will be DEAD.
THEN they'll be sorry!

Future shock Science documentary
Science Channel 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Scientists gloat about technology takeover. Michio Kaku attempts to help us understand why we have to do what the robots are telling us to.

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