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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 2, 2014, 11:43 (UTC)
Mikesam
ST.LOUIS, Missouri -- Michael Sam, who earlier this year was the first openly gay athlete to be drafted by an NFL team, has now become the first openly gay athlete to be cut by an NFL team.

ESPN cameras recorded him breaking down in tears and being consoled by his boyfriend after getting the pink slip in his locker from "Rams" coach Jeff Fisher. Full story»


Mississippi River
ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST PARISH, Louisiana -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Officials assured citizens that there is no reason to worry about the discovery of brain-eating amoebas in the water supply of 12,577 people.

A Health Officer said the water is drinkable: "When water goes 'down the hatch,' it is headed away from the brain." But joking while drinking tap water might send it up the nose and straight toward the brain. Full story»

News - Smokey
ALEPPO PROVINCE, Syria -- An ISIS battalion codenamed الجبن المجيد “Glorious Cheese” has shot itself to death following a routine execution.

Only one ISIS militant remained standing when it was all over, and he turned himself into Syrian authorities as a seditionist requesting to be conscripted within the Syrian Army. Full story»


Obama shoots skeets
CHILMARK, Massachusetts -- Shortly after race riots broke out in Missouri, a beheading of a journalist broke out in Iraq, causing a "heartbroken" Obama to guide a key fairway drive to the left (pictured).

In separate news, another Russian invasion broke out in Ukraine, further threatening to distract his transformational Presidency. Full story»

Bushobama
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama made the astonishing declaration that "we don't have a strategy yet" regarding Syria.

In response, Time put him on the cover as the "Person, Thing, or Abstraction of the Year" and Norway teed up a second Nobel Peace Prize. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 2


Joy Hour Religion
TBN 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Up and coming pastors ask for financial support in exchange for joy.

British Farce British Farce
BBC America 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Some generically named, impossible to understand British farce.

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Quinn takes a hilarious look at the double-slit experiment through silly song and dance.

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