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Friday, January 30, 2015, 06:41 (UTC)
Tanker
LONDON, England -- As oil prices sink and North Sea crude oil production is hitting the rocks, PM David Cameron announced plans to export crude North Sea water to the Middle East.

“I hear many tourists are complaining that the sea there is too hot and bum for surfing,” said the PM. “Our waves are two metres in the summer and up to twelve in the winter; the average temperature is 11° Celsius.” Full story»


Juno
FLAT 1, Mount Olympia -- Juno, the emotionally fragile Goddess of marriages, is allegedly throwing cutlery and slamming doors, after hearing her name given to Superstorm Juno striking the eastern United States.

Just as the fallout is settling from Pastor Isidorio’s announcement that the Gay Pride Parade in São Paulo caused droughts, incestuous activity is being blamed for the record American snowfalls. Full story»

Hibachi in Snow
UnNewsNAVEL-GAZING
NASHUA, New Hampshire -- The 35 million in the U.S. northeast are living in panic of news reports of historic snow. The press has to outdo its breathless coverage of last weekend's four inches, as the region now expects 24 inches.

The "mainstream media" reported the storm is "growing exponentially," which means that Monday's 1 inch and Tuesday's 10 will be followed by 100 on Wednesday, and so on until it causes the moon to make snow butterflies as it orbits the earth. Full story»


Greek Election
ATHENS, Greece -- Leftist leader Alexis Tsipras promised, after his Syriza party swept to victory, that Greece’s Archaic Period of antiquity "humiliation and suffering" imposed by oligarchs is over and a "Golden Dawn" had begun.

"By Zeus, today is one for the scrolls!” Tspiras proclaimed from the front of the Parthenon. Full story»

Ghoton
GLASGOW, England -- Junior technician Peter Woodlouse has managed to slow down light not just in water or glass but in free space — by playing The Endless River, Pink Floyd’s latest album, in a room full of weed smoke.

Mr. Woodlouse said he was “stoked” when a non-ionising photon stopped for a brief chat. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights January 30


Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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