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Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 12:06:59 (UTC)

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Obama looking smug
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Obama has enabled "crowd-funding" of the Muslim kidnapping industry. While he cannot change the law barring Americans from giving "material assistance" to terrorists — only Chief Justice John Roberts can do that — he can decline to enforce it, as though they were Mexican illegals.

He said hostage families "should never feel victimized by their own government," even when victimized by al-Qaeda. Unless they are high achievers or smokers. Full story»


China sex
PEKING, China -- A U.S. Government database containing all the details of high-ranking personnel's favorite sexual fetishes has been hacked by China, transforming hush money from an impossibility to an absolute certainty.

Senior U.S. statesmen and candidates are already being publicly bombarded by Chinese youths for consensual but kinky acts. Full story»

Plasticbottles
GLASTONBURY, England -- Festival attendees have been bottling and stockpiling vast quantities of their own liquid waste in anticipation of tonight's Pyramid Stage performance by Kanye West.

Some entrepreneurs have set up pop-up stalls selling pre-bottled piss at £2 per litre for those who have been unwilling or unable to save their own. Full story»


Wimpy
UnNews Logo Potato1MELTDOWNS
ATHENS, Greece -- Greece has finally found a way to wreck the nation, and possibly the entire Euro-zone.

Previous rounds (or tranches) in the five-year saga have been inconclusive. Now, however, Greece's Socialist government is going to let voters themselves stiff the foreigners. Vacationers are being promised the memorable experience of being in a large city in a banana republic during a military coup. Full story»

Flat football
UnNews Logo Potato1SPORTS
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady took his case to the U.S. Supreme Court, where Chief Justice John Roberts declared that NFL Rule 2-1 "is properly viewed as ambiguous."

The ruling parallels the one on Obama-care, in which Roberts gave the text of the law short shrift in deference to another well-known legal principle, sine sanguine, poenae non ediderit, or "No blood, no foul." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2014

TV Highlights June 30


Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"Hide and Seek." If you cannot see your parents, do they still exist?

Finish Your Peas Drama
Lifetime. 9:00 PM EDT/8:00 CDT
Someday, little Tommy will be DEAD.
THEN they'll be sorry!

Future shock Science documentary
Science Channel 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Scientists gloat about technology takeover. Michio Kaku attempts to help us understand why we have to do what the robots are telling us to.

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