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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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Saturday, December 10, 2016, 01:24:59 (UTC)

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Madam President
NEW YORK CITY -- Time Magazine has made Donald Trump its Man of the Year. The annual award recognizes someone or something that "made the biggest change" in the year — or else didn't, when he, she, or it was expected to.

Observers were studying the pretzels Time's editors would tie themselves into, in order to avoid naming the candidate who defied its weekly declarations that he was unelectable and should promise to go away quietly after he lost. Naming someone else, though not credible, would at least have been a good read. Full story»

NEW YORK CITY -- Fashion designer Sophie Theallet declared she would not stoop to repair any wardrobe malfunction by Melania Trump.

Other designers fell in line behind Ms. Theallet, without actually going into marching mode, at least until recounts in Michigan and Wisconsin are in. But one rising star in the celebrity fashion world warned that the ring of the cash register is a siren call that is ignored at one's peril. Full story»

Pence at Jets game
EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended a Monday Night Football (MNF) game that everyone knew would be uncompetitive (POS).

At the least, Mr. Pence sat in the owner's box, and did not have to brave awful weather as well as awful football. The owner, Woody "Woody" Johnson, sat to his left but wore a baseball cap to signal his own disdain for the New York Jets' product on the field. Full story»

Fake News
CYBERSPACE, The Final Frontier -- U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has drawn a big, red bull's eye on the back of news services such as UnNews.

Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), the spokeswoman for Trump's transition team, told the press that Internet Service Providers should be "obligated" to prevent "bogus news articles" from reaching hungry viewers. Incredibly, some have called even UnNews "fake." There is a risk the next President will shut us down, faster than webhost Wikia "Fandom" can eliminate bare tits in favor of Brony fangirl rants. Full story»

Digvijaya Singh
NEW DELHI, India -- Digvijaya Singh, general secretary of the Congress Party, has tweeted, "Shouldn't we include Hacking in next Olympics?" Either that, or someone hacked into Twitter and tweeted it for him.

The Congress account was recently hacked, resulting in calls for the nation to lob "a nuke or two" at Pakistan and for Prime Minister Narendra Modi to "accept Christ into your life." A hacking biathlon could have separate competitions in choosing an easily guessed password and writing it down on Post-Its placed on one's monitor at work. Full story»

No to Farage
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Brexit-champion Nigel Farage is ready to immigrate to the U.S., joining millions of squeegee men and welfare cheats from Latin America to Ukraine. Farage said he would feel "freer" in America to make hare-brained proposals, apparently unaware that the U.S. has no federal referendum at all.

Farage would still have to learn about the concept of states, and select one to live in. The smart money is on California, where virtually anything can be put up to a November vote. And, it has porn stars. Full story»

Air conditioners
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump reported progress in keeping the state of Indiana from picking up and moving to Mexico, using fifteen Twitter tweets, most sent on Thanksgiving.

VP-elect Mike Pence assisted by holing up in the Indiana Governor's Office and refusing either to come out or to walk toward the south. Full story»

Factory floor
ST. PETER'S GATE -- The Heavenly Father has given "airtight" assurances to Donald Trump that the sun will not stop rising, at least not before his inauguration.

Trump jawboned the Almighty following tweets to Ford Motor Company not to pull out of Kentucky. But it is the Focus, built in Dearborn, that Ford was moving to San Luis Potosí, and even that factory was staying open, to block jobless claims by ex-workers. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights December 10

Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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