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Monday, August 31, 2015, 04:59:59 (UTC)

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EdScheming
NEWCASTLE -- Labour have delayed the election of their leadership due to an absence of a key member of staff — and a signal failure at Clapham Junction. Jeremy Corbyn has taken an unexpected trip to Israel to serve as self-declared common-sense peace envoy to the World.

The Party will hold off the leadership election campaign until the peace negotiations have ended, or until after Corbyn has died (even of natural causes, if it takes that). Full story»


Panda eats bamboo
BEIJING, China -- Famed for its voracious diet of bamboo and fighting evil snow leopards, the precious giant panda now carries the title of another one of Mother Nature's little birth defects.

"It eats what it's not supposed to," says a local hipster, "because — irony." Full story»

Megyn Kelly
UnNews Logo Potato1BIMBO ERUPTION
NEW YORK CITY -- Zillionaire casino magnate Donald Trump has tweeted that his Fox News adversary, info-babe Megyn Kelly, is a "bimbo."

In its ongoing goal of giving newspeople equal treatment with newsmakers, UnNews interviewed Ms. Kelly to give her the chance to refute the credible allegation that she is mere eye-candy for horny couch potatoes. Full story»


Hamburger
HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Burger King has proposed to McDonald's to collaborate for one day.

Burger King made the appeal by having its public-relations firm tweet it out to the entire world, just in case McDonald's public-relations firm were watching. Americans could support a worthy cause by simply overeating, while two corporate titans could burnish their reputations without doing anything real. Full story»

ChilcotInquiryHole
CAMBRIDGE, UK -- Professor Stephen Hawking and colleagues say the information on the Iraq War needed to complete the Chilcot Inquiry is located within black holes at the centre of the galaxy.

David Cameron expressed his frustration at the lack of progress towards warp drive technology that would let officials reach the information in the black holes. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights August 31


Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
If you read this, you cannot watch the show. If you watch the show, you cannot have read this.

Product Testing Lab Documentary
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Minute examination of how products are tested. This week: Preparation-H.

Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
CBS Action. 5:00 PM GMT
This week Captain Kirk meets Walker Texas Ranger in NCIS for the showdown of a lifetime.

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