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Monday, February 8, 2016, 17:16:59 (UTC)

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LONDON, United Kingdom -- British PM David Cameron declared, in a speech on the wireless last night, that he achieved 'all his aims' after a recent trip to Brussels.

He said he had 'averted a long war' that would have caused huge suffering within the Conservative Party. Full story»

Cambridge Uni 03.02.16
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Cambridge University applicants are to undergo 'face tests' during enrollment.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn supported the move, "As long as you don't discriminate against terrorists. Terrorists are important to our society." Google face-recognition software may allow further uses of the data, along with a stand-alone procedure called the ASS-levels. Full story»

Jean Claude Plonker
BIRMINGHAM -- ISIL are now using "paper rounds" to violate Europe, according to the European Committee on Social Rights (ECSR).

David Cameron said, "The threat of paper rounds highlights the need to destroy ISIL once and for all." He delivered his remarks in triplicate to each MP as a call to re-arm. Hillary Clinton says she has already done so, as every deleted-but-recovered email was delivered to the FBI on paper. Full story»

CLIVE, Iowa -- Ben Carson made a last-minute pitch to evangelicals here. "There are those who go around proclaiming separation of church and state," he said, apparently referring to Thomas Jefferson.

Carson's campaign has faltered, as Megyn Kelly did not even prepare a video montage of his lies to see if she could get him to stutter and sweat. Full story»

Shruti Seth
CHANDIGARH -- The State of Haryana has achieved 903 girls per 1000 boys after a decade of trying to get Indians to stop aborting female fetuses, drowning female babies, and tying female teenagers to railroad tracks.

PM Narendra Modi participated in a #SelfieWithDaughter publicity stunt to show that female offspring can be somewhat fun, although it still costs a ton of money to marry them off. Full story»

Hillary Clinton sunglasses
NEW YORK CITY -- Hillary Clinton expired Sunday evening during the CNN debate. The FanGraphs sports site logged 37 coughs and 7 throat-clearings on Ms. Clinton's way to eternity.

The health crisis followed a more minor crisis during the previous debate, requiring that Ms. Clinton have a Ladies' Room to herself for activities probably involving the vomiting of blood. Republican Donald Trump guessed that "there was blood spurting out of her...whatever." Full story»

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TV Highlights February 8

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program

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