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Captainpurple01
JACKSON, Miss. -- Nigel Farage threw his support to Donald Trump as America's best at vague anti-establishment bluster — during a speech where Trump disavowed vague anti-establishment bluster. Farage's remarks could net Trump all of the U.K.'s votes in the Electoral College.

Trump now suggests that millions of Mexicans could actually stay in the U.S. permanently, and Mexico will pay for that too. He was to set out his complete policy Thursday, "very firmly," just like the last one, but that speech has been postponed. Full story»


OlympicUKflag
LONDON –– Social media has deemed MP Heather Wheeler’s British Empire remarks ‘politically incorrect’.

After the Empire's Olympic medal haul at the Rio Games broke a long-standing record, Conservative MP Heather Wheeler shared her joy on Twitter. Twitter users formed a bandwagon to condemn Wheeler's comments as ‘anti-EU’. Full story»

BlackFlintstones
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Amy Robach ignited a firestorm on Good Morning America for using the term "colored people."

She apologized to a traumatized nation: "I mistakenly said ‘colored people’ instead of ‘people of color,’" she insisted, which would have been very different. Full story»


Robotdriver
DETROIT, Michigan -- Ford Motor Company has modified its self-driving-car project to concede that more than half the world's drivers will want a dashboard switch with which to set the self-driving car to emulate a woman driver.

Artificial intelligence will let it quickly decelerate from 70 mph to about 5 mph whenever there is an accident on the other side of an expressway, and the chance to catch a glimpse of limbless bodies and spurting blood, plus a special Attack Mode enabled when competing for empty parking spaces near malls. Full story»

John Hinckley
WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) John Hinckley, the man who tried to shoot Ronald Reagan, was spotted by the Daily Mail outside a Subway store near here.

The 61-year-old was freed from Mount St. Elsewhere on August 5 with no conditions on his release except that he have no contact with the Reagan family — which is unusually difficult, these days, in any case — but not barred from contact with fast food, despite the nation's "Let's Move" campaign. Full story»


Mayflower1
PATUXET, Oranjeboom -- Angry townspeople are demanding that the Chief deport the religious extremists who talk about religious purity.

Tensions have been building ever since they arrived uninvited. Now their presence has lent strength to a campaign to replace the Chief with a new Big Chief Orange. Full story»

Hamburger
HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Hamburger-restaurant bosses will now have to punch time-clocks. President Obama has doubled the pay level where employees are guaranteed time-and-a-half for work over 40 hours.

One executive says he will simply convert their current salaries into an hourly rate, assuming they continue working 55 hours per week. Should they cut back to 40 hours, there are still many fine living arrangements for them, such as at Kampgrounds Of America. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights August 25


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

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Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

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People who read the TV Highlights section.
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Stupid narcissist.

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