Current affairs

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Current affairs.

Current affairs is a genre of shit broadcast journalism that specialises in advertising celebrity diets and making you think that everybody in the world is going to rip you off/ rape you. The emphasis in these shows is on detailed analysis and discussion of news stories that have recently occurred or are ongoing at the time of broadcast, or are so crap that they cant be shown on proper news.

This differs from regular news broadcasts where the emphasis is on news reports presented for people who live in a home, work and dont live of the dole.

Types of stories

There are many types of current affair stories. All of them are so shit that when you watch them, you will end up an illiterate loser, the same affect you get from playing World of Warcraft.

The first type of story is "crazy children" what current affair shows love to do is to dig up shit on crazy out of control children. When current affairs shows show children, they focus on hoony children, especially Prince Harry and Prince William. Usually, the scriptors send hitmen to the homes of well known doctors, and force them to work on their show. Either that, or they get a hobo off the street, dress him up with a lab coat and teach him the little english he needs to know. The Hobo then interviews the child, making it look almost authentic. Sometimes, fake tears and shit are added to the boy, to indicate emotions of greif and fear, when they cry or shat them self.

Fat people

Another type of story Current affairs use, are miracle cures for obesity, or as it is commonly known, being fat. Obesity is featured in many of their stories, as current affair shows are generally aired in rich countries with lots of western infidels. Examples of these countries are Somalia and Ethiopia, in which over 99% of the population is overweight. Current affairs shows include shows on miracle cures, where fat people can suddenly become thin and then instantly "fit" back into society. Most fat people, however, ignore their "miracle cures", because they involve doors that are too narrow.

Muslims

Muslims are also getting quite a beating from current affairs. This is because most unemployed shit heads believe Muslims are the problem for everything, rather than just for most things. Also, they have become easy targets as many of them don't speak English. Many of them also don't have jobs as they come from Butt Fuck Nowhere, where they own slaves who do work for them, including their wives. Often, Christian bosses of current affairs shows like to rip into Muslims, as the Muslims ripped into their brothers in the crusades.

A Current Affairs also tend to get muslims and terrorists confused. A terrorist is a name for a muslim who has reached adolescence. Note, there is no name for a muslim who has reached maturity, as they have generally detonated themselves in the name of Islam

The Jobless/Aussie Battler

The jobless often receive either good representation or good misrepresentation in A Current Affairs, after they have been rejected by their employers and by society on the whole. Often, the jobless tend to blame migrants for their troubles, as migrants seem to be replacing their positions. Their lives generally revolve around the phrase "yair, I'll do it 'morrow".

Pensioners

Old people are always angry about something, often about crazy children or Muslims which effectively kills two story birds with one shitty stone. Another recurring theme is the grandma getting ripped off by an evil conglomerate story. Basically the story will revolve around the phrase 'who gives a fuck'.

Australia

ACA: has recently seen an increase in their share by over 1 cent. This is in correlation with Kevin Rudd's new budget, which allows poor people to get away with dole bludging. Also, the current affairs graphics team have bought new computers, and hired a new graphics engineer , Andrew Gower, who has previous experience working for fagex. These new computers have been placed in his mums bedroom. Also, a new program, Paint, has been found under the accesories tab, which has improved the quality of the picture ten-fold.

Today Tonight: Tonight shares have gone up by 2 cents, which is reflected by an increase in oil price. Their links with Al Qaeda and George Bush ensure them a slice of oil generated revenue from Bosnia. Their share value, however, is expected to drop in the next 10 years, as homeless shitheads are going to be nuked by Dr Frasers 69th reich, which will be initiated by the liberal parties(and Obama)that will rise to power in 2011.

In both cases, it has been reported that Queensland is the major source for about 99.9% of each program's stories. However, both networks have denied rumours that the programs will be moved to Queensland purely on that basis.

Conventions

There are many conventions associated with current affairs. People usually think its so shit that they dont think about conventions, but they do.

Camera Angle: generally, the camera angle is at eye level. This is so that the presenter can brainwash you into hacking their crap. Also, its for you to see that the presenter is usually some whore who costs 4 cents an hour. If the presenter is a women, a slightly lower-than-eye-level shot is used so the male viewer relates with the body parts they are used to relating with... Sometimes, when doing obesity stories, satellites are used to get a birds eye view. Also, when doing stories on Asians, Indians and other people from the east, top down angles are used to show their insignificance, because of the xenophobic executives.

Reconstructions. these are so shit and so unreal that there is no way to describe them, so here is how to make a current affair reconstruction

  1. get a camera phone
  2. smear lens with vaseline
  3. hire shitty whores as actors
  4. beat the crap out of those western infidels.
  5. add captions and show how the reconstruction is symbolic of whatever topic you are talking about.

See also

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Current affairs is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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