“I invented Cancer to keep my relationships short and exciting.”
“I have just discovered the cure for Cancer. . . Psyche! ”
“TO CURE A CANCER YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT! ”
“I think that cancer can be bad... ”
“My tears are the cure For cancer...I don't cry!!!”
“Lab research has been proven to cause cancer in lab rats.”
The Cure for Cancer is one of the three unaccomplishments of science. Despite brazillions of dollars donated for research over the past thousand years, scientists still have yet to develop a cure for cancer. It is widely believed that the funds going to cancer research are being laundered by the scientific community to support other programs such as space lasers, hijacking nuclear weapons, funding the mathmagicians and other devious methods of world conquest. Abstinence has been speculated to cure cancer. Unfortunately, all tests to prove this were done on your mother, and your mother is a whore.
edit Early Days of Cancer
Cancer was first developed in 5000 BC by the Greek Gods as a practical joke they could play on unwitting humans. The joke wore off quickly though, and the Gods got tired of it. Being too proud to destroy their creation, the Greek Gods stored cancer up inside a little box and hid it away somewhere on earth where they thought nobody would ever find it.
The Greek Gods hadn't expected the appearance of one figure feared by all, Oprah Winfrey. She hired an army and had it search the entire world until they found the location of the box containing cancer. It ended up being found in an African giftshop, along with the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the Holy Grail (in both platinum and limited editions), and Osama bin Laden. Oprah immediately released cancer upon the world, and it is slowly eating away at us all.
edit What Scientists Do Instead
Scientists sit around discovering new things that cause cancer. In one recent report, a scientist concluded that common things that cause cancer include cell phones, the collar up on your shirt, listening to your iPod, everything, reading this very sentence and buying a school lunch. The report warned that if you buy your lunch at school while listening to your iPod with you collar up and reading this on your cellphone, your skin will disintegrate from cancer and your insides will a splode. Anybody near the innards combustion is also guaranteed to die of cancer in the next two minutes. Some people were skeptical of the results, but withheld their criticisms when they discovered that criticizing cancer research is a leading cause of cancer.
edit Types of Cancer
edit Colon Cancer
This is a cancer that infects the colon grammatical character (":"). It is a growth on the lower dot that causes the unfortunate colon to develop into what is sometimes known as a semicolon (";"). Once the growth becomes rather sizable, the semicolon becomes incapable of finding its correct place in a sentence. Semicolons will often inadvertently add themselves into areas were a simple period or a comma followed by either and or but would do;
edit Ovarian Cancer
Ovarian cancer was developed by Napoleon Dynamite as a Valentine's Day gift for his wife, Trish. He thought he had created a new kind of sexual chocolate with a secret ingredient that managed to make it great tasting and less filling. Though it did, in fact, assist his wife in losing weight, Napoleon was disappointed that it eventually killed her. You can also receive this form of cancer if you have eaten an explosive cricket with rabies.
Some renegade scientists have speculated that the main cause of increased cancer rates, is the contraction of cancers, from this theory, the hypothesis that not contracting cancer would lead to a 100% prevention rate has be drawn. Mr. T, when asked about his opinion on the matter, suggested that he pitied the fool who was gonna die, Mr. T later contracted cancer.
Wikipedia and Andre Rieu generally concur that fun, humour and falling pianos are the main causes of cancer. They suggest generally staying home on your computer and talking to relatives on your cell phone to minimise risk of contracting cancer.
In malaysia, there got one young master in the age of 30s can cure cancer with using pamelo. Several people that have cancer come to see him at his temple seeking for his help and just using pamelo, he took out the cancer. Normally he will ask them to go for check-up at hospital to make sure its gone. Even people from Japan, Australia, Hongkong, China, London and Thailand come to seek his help. Even a brand tumor patient from Australia that only can live for 2 month has been cured by this young master.
edit Times in History Where a Cure for Cancer was found
edit 52 B.C. In Gaul
In Gaul (modern day France) the Gauls (also known as the Celts, which derived their name from Celtics, an American basketball team in Boston) discovered a cure for cancer, it was their greatest achievement since they conquered and destroy Atlantis in the last Electron War some time earlier. Unfortunately, the Romans that same year conquered the Gaul city where the cure was found, they subsequently enslaved all the scientists who were celebrating Quit Your Job Day and were unprepared. The Romans enslaved the Gaul scientists and made them work on their evil capitalist farms, so the Cure for Cancer was lost to history.
edit July 14, 1099 In Jerusalem
The cure was found again in Jerusalem at the end of the First Crusade in the morning. This was a cure so powerful that it would also have been able to cure many viruses, most notably STD's, too. Unfortunately, later that afternoon the Christians had succeeded in their siege and broke through the walls, killing every man, woman, and child, whether they were Christian, Jew or Muslim. This bloodshed, sadly, killed the prophets who had just gotten the cure. The Christians could have easily gotten the cure in the temple where it was discovered, but Christians don't believe in mutations, cells, or biology for that matter; so they destroyed all the work the researchers did.
edit September 1, 1666 In London
The Brits, while looking for a cure for the plague. It was all written down on paper and locked away for the night in an upstairs room of the bakery of Thomas Farriner on Pudding Lane.
edit 1930s in Berlin, Reichshauptstadt!
Mr. Kriegstädter (oy!) found that cancer cells live mainly on anaerobic glycolysis. This was deemed the Kriegstädter effect, and that was the end of it. Anaerobic glycolysis requires sugar. Nutcases got the idea that eating zero sugar, starch, pasta, and other things that make your blood sugar-y could somehow impede cancer growth. Real scientists got the idea however, that this would somehow impede the growth of the cancer and research industry, not to mention the diabetes racket.
edit August 6, 1945 In Hiroshima, Japan
Japanese scientists just managed to create a cure for cancer early in the morning at about 7:30. Unfortunately for the Japanese, who were still fighting World War II the atomic bomb was dropped at about 8:15 am in Hiroshima, dooming the Cure to be lost to history yet again. HOWEVER, a lot of Hiroshima's cancer patients stopped complaining after that date all at once, an outcome that had previously required costly manual individual therapy.
edit January 1, 2000
Scientists in Switzerland found a cure and started documenting it on a computer at 11:59pm December 31st 1999. Unfortunately, they were using an old computer, which crashed and lost all the data in a time traveling accident as soon as the computer's clock turned to midnight January 1st 1900.
edit September 10, 2001 In New York City
The Americans finally found the cure and saved it on a disc then locked it in a bank safety deposit box that day. You'd never guess where they left the key...
edit December 26, 2004 Somewhere on the coast of Sumatra, Indonesia
An Indonesian scientist wrote down the cure for cancer on the back of an envelope that morning. Bad luck that the only pen he had used water soluble ink.
edit September 13, 2007
The Director of mondo medicals announced the public his cure for cancer but his interview ended with him yelling to the reporter "DON'T SAY YOU DON'T KNOW THIS WAS COMING. I WILL CURE YOU, CANCER!!"
edit May 21, 2011
Some guy named Camping found the cure for cancer at approximately 5:59 pm. However, due to his lunatic behaviors, he believed the world was going to end in some sort of "Crapture" and killed himself soon after. The answer was lost since he never had enough sense to write it down.
edit December 21, 2012
Mayans predicted that the cure for cancer would be found on this day! Unfortunately, it was written in Mayan on an asteroid that just missed the earth, and the cure was lost yet again to outer space.