Cumbria

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“I left my heart in a field in Cumbria...and a packet of extra strength latex.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cumbria
“Cumbria... Where the men are men... And so are the women...”
~ A citizen of Salterbeck
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cumbria.

Cumbria (also known simply as "Cum") is a country in the United Kingdom of English part of United Kingdomness, although they are more akin to the Welsh and roast cheese. You'd think it would be the hottest and driest area in the entire world due to the Furnace Peninsula in the South of Cumbria, however in actual fact it's very cold and wet due to the sheep

Overview

Cumbria is really two counties, North Cumbria and West Cumbria, but they are might as well be one. The capital of West Cumbria is usually Workington; The capital of North Cumbria, is Carlisle but sometimes it's Shap (formerly two towns; Shit and Crap, which merged to form Shap), Kendal (all they do is make mint cake) and Keswick, who make a lot of pencils, Orton, however is a mirror image of Brough (used to be a dump for knackered fridges) or even Tebay (the worst) where everyone says 'iy pat eady like', Wigton is not normally the capital but is notable due to the albatross fisting world championship and the world's only talking shoe lives in the town Rugby club. There's a very simple mathematical formula for working out what today's capital shall be, a formula that would take but a brief moment of your time to explain. But it's really not all that interesting. The current capital of Cumbria is Brough, which is home to a huge chav infestation, Prime Minister Tony Blair ordered a cull of all chavs in 1998. Back in the 1980s the environment agency (Old women) put a fire watch in place over all of the stainmore parish and some of Shap fell near Orton because apparently a chicken laid an egg both on the A6 at Shap and The A66 just out of brough therefore the stainmore farmers got the blame. Stainmore is well known for making smoke, the A66 was brought to a standstill because some tit set a field of bushes on fire.

Cumbria is also the only remaining British county in which women are not allowed in bars. Not even strip bars. Not even Lesbian Strip Bars. Not even Women-only Lesbian Strip Bars. This has led to a growth in a phenomenon known as 'Male Homosexuality', which is a scienceytificcy phrase nerdy boffins use to the explain the love between two straight men (not that those geeks have ever kissed a man!! Am I right, fellas???). Conclusion; cumbria is a generally sexist, racist, homophobic place. Excluding of course, Carlisle- the city of chavvs, and the extent of which being Keswick (where most people are either religious fanatics or people who just cannot seem to hold down a job).

If you would like to know more about forbidden manlove in Cumbria then all you have to do is go up to any big butch Cumbrian soccer player (of which there is about seventeen in Cumbria, Rugby League being the predominant sport) and ask him what it's like to be sodomised up the poop-chute. However this article is not about homosexuality, it's about Cumbria so stop twisting your nipples and let's get back to the main subject, shall we?

Histories

Cumbria used to be part of the African coast but due to continental drift it broke off and sort of wandered up north before crashing into the British Islands. The native Africans that found themselves to now be Cumbrians then went on a rampage of self-genocide. Since then there have been no sightings of any black people in Cumbria as "Cumbria doesn't like blacks," according to the Mayor of Cumbria.

Back then it was called Cumberland, but the name had to be changed in 1974 CE when the "ZOMG TEH CUM BELL END! ROFLMAO LOLZERS!!!!111eleven" joke started to wear a bit thin. The word Cumberland still remains in the phrases "Cumberland Sausage" and "Cumberland Wrestling," but thankfully there's nothing phallic about sausages and nothing gay about two men grappling while trying to give one another a "Cross Buttock Throw".

If you're a man who would like to know how to grapple a Cumbrian man's buttocks then - Hey! What did I just tell you about twisting your nipples??? It was also around this time that Cumbellend/Cumbria annexed Westmore.

In 2005 the county was bought by DEFRA, with the objective to keep records for all the sheep that have yet to be shagged.

2009 Floods

In November 2009, heavy floods devastated many towns in Cumbria along the River Derwent, including Keswick, Workington and Cockermouth, where water reached 8ft above ground in some places. Thousands of people were evacuated from their homes and many properties in Cockermouth were all but destroyed, and several bridges along the length of the river collapsed. Also, thousands of school childeren got the day off, but as there was no electricity the couldn't spend the 3 days on the computer. In primary schools, childeren were forced to write pointless articles about the floods. The floods made international headlines, causing millions worldwide to ask, "so just where is this so-called Cumbria of which you speak?" Altogether, the cost of the damage in Cumbria due to these floods reached a generous estimate of £27.92. Worse was to follow however, as tensions rose in villages affected by flooding over the fact that floodwaters from neighbouring villagers, i.e. waters of outsiders, was passing by THEIR village on it's way to the Solway. This led to the Cumbrian Civil War of 2009 where the village of Dearham declared war on Cockermouth, which saw violent skirmishes and tractors being driven into homes.

So just whe-

-shire. Excuse me but please don't interrupt, it's rather rude.

Sorry

You will be. Now where was I? Oh yes...

Since 1202 Cumbria has been the battleground between two opposing factions. The Working Men and The White Warriors, both showed a closet love of Jam, but this was superficial as both wanted to show how man they were and the Jam eater/Not Jam eater agument was simply a means to an end.

The war escalated in the 1900s when a Nuclear arms race between the two towns began, Workington was the first to contruct a working nuclear bomb, but had no way to launch it, and almost two years later Whitehaven succeeded in launching a nuclear device out of its Trademarked 'Brunswick Chimney'.

The War continues to this day.

NOW you may speak...............................................

So just where is this so-called Cumbria of which you speak??

In the north-west of England. However People from Daaaan Saaaath think that Cumbria is part of Scotland (Hence the old proverb: 'People from Daaaan Saaaath think that Cumbria is part of Scotland'). But nothing could be further from the truth!! It's just and so on the Southern side of the Scotto-English border (OK so maybe it could've been further from the truth but shut the hell the up).

Cumbria is well known for it's big mountains and big lakes. However they're only big in English terms and not really that impressive if you're from the Himalayas or the Great Lakes or something, in which case you will have experienced something so big that it makes you realise how tiny these ones really are. In fact, there is only one real lake in the Lake District, which is lake Bassenthwaite.

However it's on these "mountains" that Britons taught themselves how to climb in order to conquer all the real mountains across the World.

It should be noted that Cumbria, before 1899, did not appear on any map of the United Kingdom sold south of Milton Keynes. This was due to the fact that the Ordnance Survey of Great Britain deemed it not important enough to the majority of their customers in the south. In a well documented event, in Durham, UK, one student originating from London and studying for a degree in Geography at Durham university asked a Cumbrian where he was from. Upon finding the answer to be "Cumbria" she asked where that was. The northerner proceeded to explain it was "near" the Lake District, and having to finally settle with the explantion he was from "near" Manchester. This infuriated his fellow Cumbrians and, without governmental approval, Sellafield power station, West Cumbria, was turned into a nuclear refinement facility with funding from the Iranian government. Bombs from the plant were used in the UK civil war between 1899 and 1903. After this brutal battle the OS decided to add Cumbria to their publications, stating that, in an area where there are regular copulations between locals and sheep, we feel it prudent to advise our customers as to the whereabouts of this place and, at their own risk, enter.

Demographicals

Statueoflib

The Statue of Liberace, Fairyport

Due to it once being a part of Africa, the vast majority (like 97.3% or something, seriously) of the Cumbrian people are Blacks and Lions. The Remaining 2.7% are just one or the other. Oh except for the tiny minority of Caucasian-Cumbrians. Blink and you'll miss 'em! A good game to play if you're ever in Cumbria (other than playing 'Escape From Cumbria', natch) is 'Where's Whitey?', which is a bit like 'Where's Wally' only with a white man.

The most populated, over-populated and over-rated place in Cumbria is the Summit of Shap on the A6 in th emiddle od nowhereshire, with approx 3 tourists and a sheep (and also Dougie the lost tramp).

Over 176 million people emigrate from Cumbria each year in a process known as "the Cleansenising", yet only two people move there each year, which means by this time tomorrow the population will be well into negative numbers.

Cumbria has widley been called gay by people who havent been there. If you go there you will find half the people to be normal and have no problems with gays. The other half talk in the traditonal Cumbrian accent (aye marrow!) and hate all gays, blacks, foreingers, and just generally people who are different to them. Most of this half are secretly either gay, black, foreign or just a bit wierd.

The country's biggest bi community live in Cockermouth, which used to be called "CockINmouth" until it was renamed by PC do-gooders so as not to upset the so-called Straight Mafia.

Cleator Moor

Everyone from Cleator Moor has been born with webbing between their fingers and their toes and have no opposable thumbs. These poor half-humans were the reason that Sellafield Nuclear power station is situated in Cumbria, as new generation mutants will pass unnoticed in the the Cleator Moor Community. If a Mooron invites you to meet his family and introduces his wife, sister and mother it is basic good manners not to recoil when you notice there is only the one woman standing there.

When setting up residence in Cleator Moor, it is essential to introduce yourself to the local community with a cheery 'how do you do' knock at their door, emphasizing the point you are from outside the borders of this friendly, inclusive town. You will be treated with a barely comprehensible "Yer nah fae Cleator Moo-ah arah yah, ey". The town is truely England's wild west, and boasts the highest teenage pregnancy rate in England, with a staggering 89.3% of women having 2 or more children before the age of 18.

Famous Cumbrians

  • Nico, Universally acclaimed for the invention of the Bangkok sequence
  • Curly, the magic elf, who if you jizz in his eye, he grants your three wishes. Can be found lurking around the shithole that is Barrow-in-Furness. (Don't go there, they don't like strangers)
  • William Wordsworth That poet that liked daffodils. And not much else
  • Merlin
  • That Melvyn fella... On second thoughts he's not really all that famous.
  • John Peel (but not THE John Peel)
  • John Ruskin - 19th writer, famous Luddite who opposed mechanisation and machines, now lives in a gothic tower made of sheep wool at the top of Scafell Pike and secretly controls the thoughts of 98% of Cumbrians using string and pigeons.
  • Stan Laurel, who was born in Ulverston-in-the-Furnace. But that was before the Anschluss so I guess he doesn't really count.
  • Roxanne Pallett - apparently she's on something called 'the television'.
  • BEATRIX POTTER!!!!!! I think...
  • Mark Owen...he ran away from Manchester because his lover, Clockwork Orange, wants to take him to a swingers party.
  • Oh hang on, I've got a good one!!!! Oh wait... No... No. Ignore me.
  • Anna Ford - Newsreader and inventor of the Model "T"
  • Timmy Mallet
  • Shaun the Sheep
  • Ken Dahl, brother of Roald, founder of the town bearing his name and discoverer of the famed mint cake. That's cake with mints in it.

Other famous Cumbrians of note are Nelson Mandela, the Ford Zodiac and the Great Wall of China. The reason for the being a sheer lack in famous Cumbrian people is because they are quite genuinely not allowed to broadcast with the accent they grew up with. This is because it makes you want to cut out your ear drums with a blunt pencil.

Cumbrian Constitution

During the days of King Arthur Cumbria was an individual country inhabited by creatures such as sheep, bears, wookies and Jehova's Witnesses along with the indigenous population of original Cumbrians who evolved from Africans just after the first ice age. Soon this community formed its first Parliament and created a codified constitution. Articles in this constitution include:

  • A marra (see below for definition) must marry at least 4 of his immediate relatives
  • Workington Town RLFC must never win a game. Ever. They have so far obeyed this rule completely.
  • A marra must own at least 5 sheep or be hanged
  • Carlisle F.C must never play top flight football. (This law was flouted in 1974-1975 and resulted in a pitch invasion by sheep who were angry at the constitution being disobeyed by the club. As a result of this disruption, Carlisle were docked 23 points and were subsequently relegated. Twenty-three is also the number of letters in "Oh my God I can't believe you counted how many letters are in this sentence, I mean you could've at least stopped at the 'C' in 'Counted' due to that being the 23rd letter but you being the spaz you are you just carried on thinking that the total would somehow go down after a certain point!". Coincidence? I think maybe!!)
  • Marras have the right to grow and supply any type of narcotic substance within the town of Penrith
  • All minors must drink at least 4 quarts of Cumberland Ale a night or be faced with death by sheep mauling.

Interesting Facts Part Zero

Wheelbarrow-In-The-Furnace is used as a testing ground for genetically engineered Cumbrian mutants. As part of the Cumbrian Constitutiion, locals must brave the Main Street (lovingly referred to by the locals as 'Gaza Strip') to prove their worth as real Cumbrians.

The entire population of Whitehaven and most of West Cumbria have been found to be related to each other by at least a second cousin (not including step family, on the contrary, in Whitehead it is not uncommon to simply marry your siblings when your marriage does not work out).

The average pure bread Cumbrian is less likely to leave Cumbria than the French are of winning a war (0.0000027%). It is entirely possible for a Cumbrian never to leave his/her village in his/her lifetime, some say this is impossible as they would not be able to feed but this is no problem as most Cumbrians own large scale chicken/egg producing factories that are located underground.

Millom, located on the south west tip of Cumbria, is one of the county's success stories. It recently reached an agreement with Paramount pictures to be the setting of an as-yet-untitled post apocalyptic film, which would see 100 nuclear bombs dropped on the town. One resident was quoted as saying "I think it's a great idea- we keep it in the family good out here, but even so we'll only get about 10% of people with three heads, webbed hands and 14 toes, so a good dose of nuclear radiation will bring the town up. Plus it'll slow the sheep down probably so we don't have to keep them tied to a post outside the leisure centre"

Cumbrians think that the Penines are the tallest mountains "ow'r there"

Cumbria has the highest teenage birth rate within the UK. Currently at 200,000 under 14 year old mums it is only 600 off Australias record.

Famous Cumbrian town Kendal is famous for it's 'Famous Kendal Mint Cake'. Do not be fooled by this scam. It is nothing like cake. It is famous though, and really quite minty.

Keswick, where the first pencils in England were made. They weren't actually, they were made in Braithwaite but people from Keswick hadn't learnt to write that yet... So they just put 'Keswick' instead.

Cumbrian Dialect

If you are lucky enough to visit any of the lovely places in Cumbria, you may notice that the locals speak in a strange language, supposedly a form of English. To the untrained ear, it sounds far more like Serbo-Croat or, latterly, Polish (as in the language, not the stuff you use to shine your shoes and NO, not dubbin), or, if you are from Appleby, Dobbin. This is because of exclusion from not only the word of modern, but the world of established English; so they developed a form of sub english which takes years to master.

Some common Cumbrian words:

  • La'al - meaning "absolutely teeny weeny" or "miniscule" as in "It's just la'al, like."
  • Ga'an - meaning "travelling" as in "Az ga'an yam."
  • Marra - meaning "good acquaintance" as in "Howz thee fettle, marra?"
  • Crack - meaning "interesting news" as in "Wotz thee crack, marra?". PLEASE NOTE: Some Cumbrians may not realise it has to be interesting news and might give you a story about the time they went to the supermarket, and found a penny on the floor, and the penny was made in 2004 and we're talking in January 2005 here, just after the year it was made in had finished! I mean this is the closest they've ever been to seeing a coin made in the year they- well you get the drift.
  • Fettle - meaning "state of health" as in "Az bad fettle, marra."
  • Yam - meaning "dwelling of living" as in "Az ga'an yam fer a yam byak'd cyak."
  • Radge - Strange, good or bad depending on context. Example: "That was radge!" (No, not that way you dirty-minded moron!).
  • Alreet! - meaning "Hello, how are you?" as in "Alreet fellaaa"
  • juven - another word for oven just sum tit added a J on
  • frey - meaning from
  • Bewer - An attractive female. ""Woman will love her, that she is a woman more worth than any man; men, that she is the rarest of all women, aye, she's a proper bewer, like""

- William Shakespeare

  • Charver - A young chap, usually accompanying a bewer
  • Lonning - a small lane
  • Shillies - small stones or gravel
  • Lower - Money
  • Pure/pwa/pua - synnonomous with "very" or "proper"
  • Yat - gate
  • Scran - food
  • Shan - 1. unfair, "that was shan on him". 2. Embarassment. "I've been shanned up"
  • Ladgeful - unfair
  • Radgie - someone who is unfair on others
  • Seed - past tense of 'see'
  • Yous - plural of 'you'. As in "Are yous lot ga'an down the pub?"
  • Deeks - To look. As in "Deeks that bewer ower there, like, Marra"
  • Greebo - A broad term, used to describe young people who enjoy rock music and its associated fashions.
  • Bray - To assault another person. As in "I was ga'an yam yisterday, like, and this la'al greebo was pure deeksin at me bewer, so i 'ad to bray 'im eh"
  • Scop/Hoy - To throw something, perhaps a ball, with a degree of vigour.
  • Now then thou git soft jessie from down yonder what dust thou think thou be doing comin in here n fookin knockin me pint ova eh you (incomprehensible words experts believe may contain information about the person they are talking to Mother's sex life, or calling you either a) something racist, b) something racist, or c) something rascist) - Excuse me old chap, I can't help noticing you are from down South and wonder what you could possibly mean by spilling my alcohol beverage, old bean, which one suspects you may have done deliberately. I suggest you apologise and buy me another or I may throw further insults at you then go make love to your mother or sister.
  • Clarty - Scop es that towel ovver, marra my hands are clarty from Whitehaven Jam
  • Kess - used to describe when someone or something morbidly obese gets stuck on its back. "Oh hell t' bugger's kessed in't clarty lonnin' like"
  • Wicket - basically a window "Hoy that can out t'wicket at tha' Yorkshire sign"
  • Moudie - little black, blind destructive little git that lives under't grund.
  • Acoustic - A stick for hitting cows with.
  • Snyving - very Hungry "Az snyving with the hunger"
  • Yan- otherly referred to as "one" used in context as such. "That yan there, like"

Some rare Cumbrian words:

  • Alfred - meaning "constipation" as in "Az Alfred'd, marra!"
  • Jewkal - meaning "dog" as in "I was shant ta put lower threw't letterbox incase jewkal scrant it"
  • Murgatroyd - meaning "cow pat" as in "Lookz at dem dozen Murgatroyds, yonder."

Incredibly common Cumbrian words and phrases:

  • Like - word with no meaning; usually stuck randomly into sentences. "Do ya know what am sayin like?" Usually serves as a "sentence enhancer".
  • Mint - Adjective: Synnonomous with "good" or "great" - "That film woz propa mint eh?"
  • Buzzin - 1. Adjective: something that is interesting 2. Verb: to "buzz" over something means to find it interesting - 1. "That film was buzzin" 2. "he is proper buzzin about that film", "pua don't buzz about that film, it wasn't that mint"
  • Eh - an exclamation often added after 'like' to make an incomprehensible sentence even less so, as in 'Dead good,like, Eh'
  • Eh - The shortest complete sentence in the English language, as in 'Eh!' and also 'Eh?'
  • As - a word added on to a phrase to mean very, as in "She's fit as!" Usually as if said Cumbrian were comparing said woman to something or someone else, but has such a limited knowledge of females/inanimate objects outside his barnyard that he has nothing to compare her to, hence why the sentence is complete without any form of complex comparative to succeed the "as". More articulate Cumbrians may use the term "Fit as fuck" to describe a person, implying that "fuck" can be in some way, extremely fit. However, since some people can be "ugly as fuck", this creates something called the "Cumbrian Fuck Paradox".
  • Pure - Another word meaning very, as in "that's pure good", often spelled as "pua" due to the Cumbrian tendency to add an unnecessary A as a separate syllable to everything they say.
  • Dead - another word meaning very, as in "It was dead good". Interchangeable with "pure", "proper" and "well"
  • Spot on - meaning decent, or very nice, as in "I'd never get wid 'er but she's spot on"
  • Incoherent babbling - anything, just nod and agree and try not to be knifed by the drunkard
  • Pass cow (Pronounced, Pass't coo)- Rough traslation - Pass the milk

The Cumbrian Fuck Paradox

In Cumbria, "fuck" can be a noun used to compare anything to. Any certain adjective or quality, positive or negative can in some way be compared to "fuck". Ugliness, beauty, speed, strength, intelligence, horniness over bestial creatures... the list is endless, but two things are always certain; "fuck" will always be, whatever the adjective describes it as being. Each time the phrase is used, a separate "fuck" is used as a basis. While a Cumbrian may describe one person as being "fit as fuck" and another as being "ugly as fuck" and his friend as being "stupid as fuck", the three fucks that are used to compare the attributes of his acquaintances are all different fucks, which each have unique personalities and traits. Think of each fuck as being like a little worm with a label of said adjective taped over its head. In other words, if you overhear a Cumbrian describing himself as being "hard as fuck" and are then described by the same Cumbrian as being "queer as fuck", don't assume that you have been compared to the same fuck as the Cumbrian compared you to. The Typical Cumbrian will use "as fuck" as a comparative for something an average of 6-8 times an hour and will more often than not be describing the level of physical attractiveness in a particular woman, sheep or rear end of a car.

Barrow-in-the Furness

Barrow (or Barra) is a town at the bottom corner of the Furnace, consisting mainly of the residue of coal and burnt bits that have collected there over the years. It makes big f****g submarines. People from Barra are pretty proud of this, but no-one else is overly impressed. In fact, people from Barra tend to be pretty proud of anything from Barra - pies, fat-men who became thinner, even that twat Emlyn Hughes. Everyone else ignores them. They like their rugby. And the fact that they're miles from the Marras up the coast. Many people in Barrow like to gather in the park, which you can enter through Abbey Road. These people then go forward to participate in activitys such as drinking a cider known as Omega, or Frosty Jacks and are said to cause havoc among the streets of Barrow. This is not of course true as these people can't actually move due to the substances consumed leaving them paralysed and foaming at the mouth. About 79% of all men in Barrow can not wipe their own arse, because of the steroids & water retention, they physically can not turn around & their arms are at a constant 45degree angle. You can spot them by their aggressive behaviour, skin tight t-shirts, terrible tribal tattoos, jelled hair & they take their tops off in any drinking establishment after 3 bottles of blue WKD.

Sheep-throwing

Many Cumbrians take part in the annual sheep-throwing championships, a sport which has many people from 'darrn sarrrf' confused. It involves taking a sheep and throwing it as far as you can. [[1]] [[2]] The Prime Minister of Cumbria, known as Jesus, has attempted to stop sheep throwing for good, but the public revolted, so he held back from starting a genocide.

Spot the Dog

A newspaper competition based on the 'Spot the Ball' format, except you have to guess where the dog's nose is from the attitude of the sheep in the field. On a multi-roll-over week you can win extra cash if you can guess where the dog rolled over and what it was in. The best players use ancient chants, such as 'Come by' and loud repetitive whistling noises. However, be careful not to claim to be good at dogging, because that is something completely different.

Dogging

This is an ancient Cumbrian sport that is played in remote areas. The only indication that a serious dogging session is going on is the large numbers car that are parked in fields, on fells, or in car parks. The sport often attracts betting syndicates, who will take wagers on who finishes first. Whlst being mostly a participation event, it also has a large spectator following. The spectators often stop on the roadside and watch the proceedings through great big binoculars for a better view. Summer is the favourite season for dogging, as that is when the specially bred dogs are in peak form. Other names for the sport are more obscure, and will not be understood by offcomers and southerners.

People

The population of Cumbria is mostly made of pensioners and teenagers. Which co-exist in not so much harmony. It is not quite understood exactly how society works in Cumbria, but we do know that it involves a lot of tourists. If you are considering becoming a teenager in Cumbria you should take up the following:

  • Buying an umbrella- ... you'll know why when you get there.
  • Spitting - to make you appear "hard as" and to fend off any lingering chavvs.
  • Pregnancy- to appear easy and more accepted.
  • Farming- a normality in this region.
  • Swaggering in the rain- that's how they have fun.
  • Drinking on moore row- A 'fun' activity.
  • Hanging around at bus stops in the ran- Hope you remembered the umbrella.
  • Popping off for a quick visit to you're nannas for a cuppa- Precious family times.

If you come into contact with any pensioners in Cumbria, do not attempt to get too close or feed them, they have been known to get frustrated and buck, with a lot of fist waving. Also do not say anything against the Conservatives or in support of racial or sexual minorities, for fear of them acting out.

See also

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