Cult of Relativity
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Cult of Relativity is a religion that asserts that Einstein was never wrong, that rulers and clocks expand and contract, and that 0/0 = c. The cult had regular meetings on the Usenet group sci.physics.relativity , in which they chastised the "small brains" of unbelievers, and sang songs such as "Divine Einstein" . High priests in Einstein's cult are known as professors (by cult members) or hypnotists (by critics), and followers are known as students or zombies, respectively.
According to the 1995 census, the membership in this cult has fallen off drastically since its foundation in 1905. In fact, there appears to have been only one member, who lived in Pentuska Bay, Arizona and died in 1957 by impaling himself on a ladder while running at .9 c into a barn. Prestigious scientists such as Feynman who appeared to be members of the cult were probably just pretending to believe in order to obtain government grant money. In any case, in the eyes of the original cultists, the shiftless, think-nothing Einstein zombies that inhabit sci.physics.relativity today would probably be considered to be non-practicing.
edit Beliefs of Relativists
- Einstein is God and his Word  is infallible.
- Reality consists of many overlapped grids of rulers, clocks, and trains, known as reference frames.
- Time is a vector and you can rotate things backwards into the past.
- Traveling faster than light (or a tortoise) is impossible, because your clock starts running backwards, causing you to travel backwards in time, much like Superman did when he circled the International Date Line repeatedly.
- Since from the Earth's point of view, muons are rushing towards it in all directions, then from the muons' point of view, the Earth must be rushing in all directions to meet them. Therefore the Earth exploded a long time ago and our perception that it is still here is an illusion.
- That every three weeks a cabal of scientists from across the world must meet on stonehenge and sacrifice three goats, a chicken, and Androcles in order to keep the independent reference frames from running into each other, causing mass inflation and destroying all government funding.
- That all women on the Interwebs are in fact Dennis McCarthy in disguise.
edit Beliefs of Anti-Relativists / Lorentz Aetherists
- Einstein is God and his Word  is infallible. Especially the dead ends he went down; those have to be right too.
- Reality consists of many overlapped grids of rulers, clocks, trains, and technobabble, known as aether.
- Time is absolute but all the clocks are broken.
- That it's easy to build your own FTL transmitter . (But building a receiver is far too dangerous for you.)
- Renowned aether scientist Ken Seto has discovered that the speed of light is isotropic horizontally at every point on earth. He has also discovered that the speed of light is not isotropic vertically.
- That the great scientific minds of the world hang out on Usenet.
edit For Some Real Science
Ever since they came up the Second Law of Thermodynamics, science has been dead to me. You'd be better off making up your own rules of how the Universe should work.
edit Origin of Relativity
Relativity was first invented in 1895 by H. G. Wells in his novel The Time Machine. Although the public loved Wells' pseudo-scientific nonsense, he restricted himself to using the theory to sell fiction books. But ten years later, a Swiss patent clerk named Einstein realized he could make more money selling coffee-table books if people believed the theory was actually true. Plagiarizing Lorentz's aether theory, he added the ideas from The Time Machine, and called it the theory of special relativity. This led to a whole industry of coffee-table book sales, led by hypnotists such as Stephen Hawking, Brian Greene, and Michio Kaku.
edit The Meaning of Relativity
Relativity replaces the foundational proposition of logic, the principle of non-contradiction, with a new principle, called the principle of relativity. According to non-contradiction, if a statement were true, then a conflicting statement had to be false. For example, if one meter north was zero meters east, it could not also be true that one meter east was zero meters north, because that would make one meter north equal to zero meters north, a contradiction. Relativity asserts the opposite, allowing a distance to be simultaneously different values of absolute measurement. At least that's how I understand it. The relativist idiots have invented their own theory that makes more sense but conflicts with Einstein's relativity as I know it.
Because relativity denies non-contradiction, relativity is not subject to the logic of standard mathematics, and proof does not apply. Many famous philosophers of science on Usenet object to this paradigm, maintaining instead that the E$$ENTIAL properties of objects are ABSOLUTE, and are therefore(!!!) embedded in an ABSOLUTE substance with an ABSOLUTE vertical direction. If this were NOT so, and properties were EMBEDDED in a RELATIVE(?!!!) substance, then the property itself 'would become contextually many-valued', or variable, and a measurement would RESULT IN MORE THAN ONE VALUE, which is *not* and CAN *NOT* be scintifically observed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is known as the measurement problem. Since Aspect and Bell have totally disproved the hidden variable properties, the only SCIENTIFIC conclusion is that relativity is a meaningless pack of lies, and that my theory that space is a nonlocally-superdeterministic H-aether is IRREFUTABLE.
edit Limitations of Relativity
Special relativity is not valid in the presence of accelerated observers, gravity, or under any conditions whatsoever. Under these conditions, one must use either Galilean relativity or superdeterministic aether theory. Since the theory of superdeterministic aether strings doesn't have any equations in it yet, you'll have to obtain any quantitative results empirically. Whatever the result you get from the experiment is, that's what aether theory predicted.
Since relativity's values of gamma are incorrect, I have theoretically calculated the new improved values of gamma, listed below, using a linear congruential generation technique. And you should listen to me because I AM TYPING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
v/c gamma 0 1.00000000000000000000000000000 0.1 1.13233887915735000000000000000 0.2 1.45692299265504000000000000000 0.3 1.46070216043707000000000000000 0.4 1.46135691336456000000000000000 0.5 1.64424142456442000000000000000 0.6 1.99562662909417000000000000000 0.7 2.03866640348084000000000000000 0.8 2.23434918744530000000000000000 0.9 2.24591121573662000000000000000 1 2.45789818763406000000000000000 1.1 2.94469733397434000000000000000 1.2 3.18867704273261000000000000000 1.3 3.35786829932565000000000000000 1.4 3.36932607047284000000000000000 1.5 3.77663414742396000000000000000 1.6 3.81090210683637000000000000000 1.7 3.85203840792584000000000000000 1.8 3.86980471149200000000000000000 1.9 3.98458768909062000000000000000 2 4.26669263333020000000000000000
Note that my values contain 30 digits beyond the decimal place, which makes them extremely accurate.
edit Debates within Relativity
Relativists claim that , but on the other hand, they claim that light, which has energy, nevertheless has no mass. Can a theory more full of contradictions and debates than evolution be trusted? Do we dare expose our children's young, impressionable minds to such a theory? In the spirit of equal time, here's what relativists on Usenet have to say about this important issue:
- Ahem. The formula is just a special case. The more general formula is . Unless you're referring to relativistic mass, which light does have. But that's antiquated terminology that nobody uses anymore.
- But I like relativistic mass. And it says in my textbook that ...
- Not you again! Why haven't you died from your cancer already? Please die quickly!
edit Criticisms of Relativity
“I've got you over a barrel, McCollough, you can wriggle and squirm all you want to, but your stupidity in listening to the nonsense of relativity, and your arrogance in pretending you can teach ME anything, is beyond all normal credibility.”
When not busy fighting the neverending Holy Flame War between the aetherists and the ballisticists, those brave men who dare to stand up to the Relativity Cabal have said the following about the theory:
- The burden of proof is on the claimant. No one has proven to me that relativity is correct. Therefore, relativity is wrong.
- Einstein claimed the aether did not exist, but in order to make subatomic physics work right, theorists had to introduce the Higgs field, which fills all of space and breaks symmetries. This is obviously a covert reintroduction of the luminiferous aether.
- Time has no inverse and is therefore not a vector. Negative time values are just science fiction, as are all "B.C." dates.
- Experimentally there is no difference between (1) special relativity with its completely ad hoc mathematical fumbles and (2) Lorentz aether theory with its completely ad hoc length contraction and time dilation. If one is wrong, scientifically, so is the other. Likewise, if special relativity is right, so is aether theory. Therefore the aether theory is right, and relativity is wrong.
- The dipole moment of the cosmic microwave background radiation is an aether.
- According to special relativity, one can rotate yesterday into today so that the past, comprising things which no longer exist, continues to exist in the present. While this may be philosophically pleasing, physically it is absurd because yesterday is purely a mathematical fantasy with no counterpart in the real world.
- The gravitational curvature of spacetime as proposed by general relativity is an aether. Einstein said in 1911 that the speed of light was variable due to gravity, which of course totally contradicts special relativity. Then he threw that idea out and came up with general relativity. But his 1911 theory must be right, and anyone who says it is "wrong" or "contradicted by experiment" is part of a massive cover-up. You wouldn't call Einstein wrong, would you?
- Relativity has been used by an amateur psychologist on Usenet to prove that undersized brains are the root cause of all human behavior, and in effect a sort of 'God'. When asked about this theory, Einstein reportedly said "No comment." But the reporter must have been huffing kittens, as Einstein was long dead by then. Fortunately, George Hammond informs us that Einstein would have been very interested in his proof, and would have offered helpful comments such as:
“Not exactly Mssr. Hammond. In fact the radial field of the Black Hole would cause the Earth to appear magnified twice in the radial direction, but there would be no change in it's size in the transverse direction.”
- Relativity only works in the near field. The far field is an aether.
- Special and general relativity are colossal wastes of taxpayer money that have yet to produce any tangible technological advances. (The GPS satellite system is really just a conspiracy and so doesn't count.)
- When God created the world, His second creation was a firmament in the heavens, which is the aether.
- Gravity is caused by ultramundane particles, also called gravites, moving at millions of times the speed of light, hitting from the back and pushing forth cone shaped spinning photons until they reach the speed of light. The gravites make up the real aether.
- Relativity says that nothing can go faster than the speed of light. However, the alien spaceships that crashed at Roswell must have been going much faster than light, or else all the aliens on board would have died by the time they got there. Relativists have no answer to this.
- Atoms are mostly empty space. But if atoms were mostly empty space, I would fall through the floor. Therefore empty space is not empty space; instead, it is filled with an invisible gray cheese derived from aether.
- Relativity is just wrong, and anyone who would worship their clock god is just plain stoopid.
- If everyting is relative, then not everything is relative.
- The frame of reference in which clock seconds are the longest is an aether.
- Many undergraduate institutions, particularly "teaching" colleges with not enough faculty, don't offer any courses on general relativity, which proves that they are secretly rebelling against the Cabal.
“A moron who thinks that SR is a religion. An idiot who doesn't know the limitations of SR. A mental midget who can't comprehend beyond what he was taught in school. An imbecile who follows the real experts around like a puppy and eats up their shit like gourmet puppy chow. An Asshole who will attack anybody who disagrees with SR”
- Relativity is taught by the same folks who believe that the Holocaust really happened, that Apollo astronauts walked on the moon, that fire can melt steel, and that horoscopes are bunk. Clearly such people cannot be taken seriously.
With all this evidence against relativity, one may wonder why so many scientists continue to believe it. If you are wondering about that, you are rather dimwitted, because it's obvious that relativist scientists are just a big money-making cult. In addition, they need government grant money, which under the super-secret Protocol Act of 1942, can only go to scientists who agree with Einstein.
- Also, quantum entanglement is an aether.
- I accidentally read your comment in someone else's reply. *Plonk*
- I noticed your reply in Google Groups. *Plonk*
- I had to restore my disk. *Plonk*
- I just bought a new PC. *Plonk*
edit Response to Criticisms
Relativists have no response to criticisms of the theory, rather they just tell critics to retake their algebra. Relativists are unwilling to examine Einstein's algebra mistakes, so they project these algebra mistakes onto critics.
- Did I mention my algebra mistakes are an aether?