Cult of Apple
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The Cult of Apple is a rumored group of fanatical followers devoted to all things Apple, Macintosh, iPod, and iPhone. While there are no shortage of Apple fanatics who eat, think, and breathe Apple, members of the Cult of Apple take their devotion one step further and believe in Apple.
Details of the Cult were extremely sparse until December of 2006, when an intrepid journalist published a story in the New York Times detailing his experiences with the Cult of Apple. His story gleaned most of the details of the lower levels of the Cult to the general public, but the mid- and upper echelons of the Cult continue to remain a mystery.
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[edit] Cult History
According to the chroniclers of the Cult of Apple, the Cult was formed in 1976 when Steve Jobs dropped from the heavens as the messenger for an omniscient, omnipotent Apple (Cultists demand that Apple receive honorary capitalization). He gathered followers who were convinced of his message that the wisdom and insight he brought from the heavens would lead the world into a new era.
According to historians, the more likely scenario is that Steve Jobs founded the Cult of Apple as a joke when Apple Computers was first formed. Once Jobs saw the fervor and fanaticism that consumers developed once purchasing Apple products, he began taking his joke very, very seriously.
[edit] Structure and Rituals
The Cult of Apple is a three-tiered entity. At the bottom are the Initiates. In the middle is the Outer Council, and at the top are the Hands of Apple.
[edit] Initiates
The main duties of the Initiates are to increase the faith of the initiates and perform tasks set to them by the Outer Council. When the Outer Council has no specific task, the Initiates are to simply gain more followers.
Prospective Initiates are given clues by their Apple Overlords as to the location of three holy relics of Apple, which the Initiates must gather. The three clues are as follows:
| In the pouncing tiger and spotted leopard, you will find the holy book of Apple.
In the eye of the pea pod, you will find the holy hymn of Apple. Across the waters, from the wiry towers, you will find the voice of Apple. |
The search for the three holy relics of Apple simply end up in buying a MacBook Pro, an iPod, and an iPhone. Special keypresses by the Apple Overlords on each product unlock the Book of Apple, the sacred text of the Cult, the lyrics and melody to the Hymn of Apple, and the Voice of Apple, a purported message from the Apple deity.
At the Initiation ceremony, the prospective Initiates must recite selected passages from the Book of Apple and interpret their meaning, sing the Hymn of Apple, and listen to the Voice of Apple, which is a voice mail laced with subliminal messaging. After these tasks are complete, the group must then demonstrate their loyalty by sacrificing a Windows user, shouting "I am a Mac, you are a PC," in a blood-curling scream before stabbing the victim.
[edit] The Outer Council
The Outer Council handles the day-to-day affairs of the Cult of Apple. The responsibilities of this task involve fund-raising, punishment of wayward initiates, and advanced rituals involving the opening of gateways to foreign dimensions. All these tasks can be summed by one term: product design.
The Outer Council is responsible for the many incremental variations of the iPod, including the seven generations of the iPod Classic, two generations of the iPod Mini, three generations of the iPod Nano, which replaced the Mini, two generations of the iPod Shuffle, and the iPod Touch, as well as the many upcoming incremental variations of the iPhone.
All three of their responsibilities are fulfilled in redesigning their products over and over again. Faith in Apple is increased with every purchase of an Apple product, punishing initiates and revitalizing their faith; milking a product for all it's worth increases money tremendously; and Apple (the corporation) could only have obtained this idea from a hellish demon of avarice from another plane.
Entry into the Outer Council is tightly restricted. The Council itself passes on rumors to the initiates in easily decipherable cryptic verse:
| Go ye faithful unto the web spanning wide across the world,
And war with unbelievers with flame and key And cast them down from the servants that uphold the web And passage to a higher authority will be within grasp. |
It is therefore highly believed that the Outer Council is responsible for PC vs. Mac flamewars.
[edit] The Hands of Apple
The Hands of Apple are the most secretive group of the Cult of Apple. Little is known about their purpose, their number, or their identities. The cult members themselves speculate widely on the issue of this group. Some say they are angels of Apple, called down from the heavens to guide the world to a new future. Others believe that the Hands of Apple possess no physical being, having transcended to a higher form due to their intense faith in Apple.
The Hands of Apple communicate with other followers once a year during an event of incredible significance to the Cult of Apple: Macworld. Even then, however, they are masked by the anonymity of iChat, and only relay very general orders regarding the progress of the cult.
Considering the Hands of Apples' screen names during these chat sessions, the identities of this mysterious group can be easily discovered as Steve Jobs and his clones Steve Jobs1, Steve Jobs2, Steve Jobs3, and Steve Jobs4.
Alternatively, Steve Jobs was simply running five instances of iChat and unskillfully managing five different screen names.
[edit] The Apple Deity
The cultists' love of the Apple deity can best be described as strange. The cultists believe that Apple is an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent apple. This would make Apple the most remarkable apple in the whole of the cosmos, as most apples are more commonly known for their taste and fruityness and less for their sentience and benevolence.
Apple has few commandments for his followers:
| Thou shalt provide for thine self that thou might purchase from Thy Lord Apple.
Thou shalt purchase from Thy Lord Apple and rejoice. |
The cultists' enjoy Apple's simple commandments as well as Its simple plan for eternal happiness, unlike some other deities, whose plans for his followers are difficult and have a high price for failure.
[edit] Effect
Since its inception in 1976, the Cult of Apple has attempted many plans in order to bolster membership and control the world, with varying degrees of success.
Their plan to influence other electronic designs has largely succeeded, but in an unexpected way. Rather than subtly influencing other companies to incrementally improve their products while at the same time shafting the consumer, other companies have instead adopted Apple products' external aesthetic. Now, consumer electronics must be designed with shiny coats of shiny white plastic with pleasing face buttons.
Their plan to generate a horde-like following has succeeded. While Apple Cultists are mostly social undesirables, Apple products have become something of a trend. A casual walk down any street shows many douchebagspeople proudly displaying the signature white ear buds of Apple products as if to say, "Hey look everybody, I like the same things that everybody else does. I fit in, so I'm awesome, aren't I?"
Despite the penetrating power of Apple products, membership in the Cult of Apple has not increased proportionally with Apple sales. This is more than likely due to elitism that the cultists possess and their tendency to alienate potential initiates because the cultists believe that they are not true Apple worshipers.
[edit] See Also
Apple Product Range
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Yotta - iPod Macro - iPod Invisa - iPod mono - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod IV - iPod Slim - iPod Huge - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter |
| iDevices: | iMac - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot |
| iHardware: | Cheese graters - Cast Spell Key - Applesauce - MacBook - MacBook Air - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - Linux (Only For Mac) - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - üPod - phonePod - Video iPod Nano U2 HD - iTrip - Hacking the iPhone |
| iGaming: | iBox360 - iTari -General Grievous - iPodore 64 - iPodendo - iBoy |
| iLlnesses: | Neuroipods |
| iFelonies: | iFraud |
| iReligion: | Cult of Apple |
