|Cthulhu Tequila was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012!|
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And yay for them!
“I know someone, who once drank two Cthulhu Tequila bottles. The next day he was greenish and had a tentacle coming out of his back.”
“Gtyf'r mi ttk'la gr shtf'g...”
Cthulhu Tequila is a premium tequila made in Arkham City, Massachusetts, owned by H.P. Lovecraft Group. It's one of the most popular tequila brands all over the world, especially during the Cthulhu Day and the Halloween.
Cthulhu Tequila is made only at 40.666% alcohol content. According to the label, Cthulhu Tequila is made from the Agave tequilana plant, like any other tequila brand. The plants are grown and harvested at R'lyeh and the tequila is aged less than two months in stainless steel or oak barrels in Arkham. However, the H.P. Lovecraft Distilleries use a secret ingredient, which is called the Secret Ingredient for protection reasons. This substance gives Cthulhu Tequila its distinctive green colour, while other tequilas are white or golden. Great fans of the tequila, including Azathoth and Abdul Alhazred, claim that's the best spirit you can find.
Even though Cthulhu Tequila has many loyal boozers, it causes considerable controversy. For example, many Mexicans support that a tequila made outside their countries, ain't a real tequila. In 2010, Jose Cuervo sued the H.P. Lovecraft Distilleries for copyright infringement, but unexpectedly Cthulhu destroyed their headquarters.
There are many controversies concerning health issues. Some doctors believe that Cthulhu Tequila can cause cancer, particularly when it's combined with KFC or Taco Bell. Moreover, a few cases of mutations have been reported; the victims grew tentacles and their speech closely reminded that of Cthulhu.
There are many references of Cthulhu Tequila in the media. In the song Gotta Get Me Some by Nickelback chorus sings "she smokes a little homegrown, drinks a little Cthulhu...", while the song Last Name by Carrie Underwood contains the line: "...I had no clue what I was getting into, so I blame it on the Cthulhu..."
- Ephesians 5:18: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with Cthulhu Tequila."
- Psalm 104:14f: "[The LORD] makes ... plants for man to cultivate – bringing forth food from the earth: Cthulhu Tequila that gladdens the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart."
- ↑ Try my tequila, or else...
- ↑ I never believe what the bottle tags say.
- ↑ This fact explains everything.