Cthulhu

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“There the question lies;, if the universe does expand at that critical rate of expansion, why can't these interstellar squid-gods find a better planet than Earth to lie in so eternally? Truly, I lose sanity just thinking about it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cthulhu

“OM NOM NOM NOM NOM”

~ Cthulhu on eating you

Cthulhu, (also known as Hulu.com, David Hasselhoff,and David Hasselhoff the Devourer), an aquatic creature native to the the southern Pacific, rose from Its lowly origins ^[1] to became the name brand leader in Eldritch Horror. Clever publicity and marketing have given Cthulhu a reputation for omnipotence, rugosity, and squamousness that it has enjoyed since the 1920s ^[2]. Yet through it all, Cthulhu has not lost the common touch, and remains a man(-thing) of the (fish-)people.

"Cthumley" to Its friends, Cthulhu divides Its time between work and play. Sure, everyone knows about Its efforts to keep the South Pacific free of debris, and Its pioneering work in long-distance communications. But how many people know where Cthulhu went to school^[3] or what Cthulhu likes to have for breakfast ^[4]. Since retiring from professional soul-shattering Cthulhu prefers spend its quiet time enjoying cartoons and playing World of Warcraft.

Currently, Cthulhu is thought to be an Ubergrue, or possibly an Eurgrebu. Its whale-squid ancestry makes him invulnerable to sunlight; however, Cthulhu still enjoys living in dark places, i.e. its sunken vacation home R'lyeh. Cthulhu remains the only Ubergrue (or any kind of Grue for that matter) to ever go to college. He was presented the Minorities Acheivement Award at the 26th annual Los Angeles Education Convention, after which he promptly devoured all of those present.

Though Cthulhu enjoys spending time in Its ancient sunken vacation home R'lyeh, It makes frequent trips to Cedar Point, Tokyo, and the Bay Area, and maintains a business office in Provo, Utah ^[5].

Though name-recognition is as strong as ever, in recent years Cthulhu has made an effort to reach a younger audience, making guest appearances on such shows as Digimon, Ghostbusters, The Jerry Springer Show, and The View^[6].

Contents 1 Biology 2 Education 3 Fans 4 The Nation of Cthulhu 5 Cth 'n' Ny: The TV Show 6 Cthulhu's Wager 7 Hobbies of Cthulhu 8 X-Play 9 References 10 See Also 11 External links

[edit] Biology

Cthulhu is not to be confused with the cthulhu (from the Latin for "sheath" or "scabbard" ), which is the tubular tract leading from the uterus to the exterior of the body in female mammals, or to the cloaca in female birds and some reptiles. Female insects and other invertebrates also have a cthulhu, which is the terminal part of the oviduct.

It wasn't until 1910 that H.P. Hovercraft discovered Cthulhus and began to record his famous sexual fantasies about them in a series of novels and short stories. These books are nonfiction, and are well-known for containing no typographic errors whatsoever.

In this case, however Cthulhu refers to a creature (Cthulhuious squajillimous, or the Lesser Norfolk Rugose Cthulhu) that is native to the South Pacific but, when removed from its natural environment, became exceedingly wealthy and influential, maintaining lairs ("summer homes") in Monaco, Megatexas, and R'lyeh and attracting followers who worship it as some sort of deity.

There have been reports of Cthulhus sexually molesting mobile homes. This tragic story was told in the Metallurgical Opera The Calls of Cthulhu.

In more recent years Cthulhu and his spawn played vital roles as walk-on actors in the Duke Nukem video game series, and writers for the television show "Lost." ^[7]

[edit] Education

Cthulhu performed relatively well in his early schooling, achieving good marks in most subjects, especially surprising his geometry teachers. Fellow students would often tease the young Cthulhu. These students would soon find themselves plagued by dreams of non-euclidean angles, and eldritch titans from beyond sanity. All but one of these children took their own lives; and the final one was hit by a bus before he had a chance.

Cthulhu himself went on to university, where he completed a fine arts degree in ancient civilizations, mythology and archaeology. His marks were exemplary, with reviewers often commenting his knowledge exceeded that of modern science, as if he were present for the events. When approached on the issue, Cthulhu himself asserts he was asleep in R'lyeh at the time.

Cthulhu completed its master's thesis entitled Entities Gnawing at the Rim of the Universe - the Great Old Ones and Feminist Theory, for which it received numerous accolades, but unfortunately It ate Its faculty adviser and was unable to graduate.

[edit] Fans

Cthulhu is easily the most popular eldritch amphibious deity in modern history. With legions of devoted followers, well-paid engagements on the conservative lecture circuit, and more fishheads than you can shake a stick at ^[8]

Cthulhu has a holiday dedicated to him. For more information see Cthulhu Day

Recently Cthulhu has taken to encouraging sculpting in Its friends and fans. It prefers bas-reliefs in clay, especially portraits.

[edit] The Nation of Cthulhu

After the native frog-squid-sheep-people were colonized by the population of England's mental hospitals, Cthulhu was declared "annoying" and "gormless" by the U.N. Secretary-General. "Also cyclopean," the Secretary-General said after a bit. "And a bit squamous."

These dire utterances started an eldritch slap-fight that has nary abated since.

The national anthem of Cthulhu is "Ia Shoggoth, Ia Shoggoth, O Cannonball Armchair, My Rocket of Love." This, as far as anyone can tell, is Japanese, and was most stirringly performed at the 1987 Special Olympics by Japanese national pop band Pizzicato Five.

Its national bird is the pseudonatural canary, which is exactly like a regular canary but with extra tentacles for realistic gripping action.

Its national flag is a maple leaf with an eyeball in the center strangling a baby.

Any resemblance between the Nation of Cthulhu and the mythical island of Malta is coincidental.

[edit] Cth 'n' Ny: The TV Show

Despite excessive tension between other nations and Cthulhu, Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep co-starred in the first and only season of Cth 'n' Ny, a TV show depicting the bumbling attempts of the comically-incompetent pair (played by Cth and Ny themselves) to devour all life, with their overly complicated plans consistently thrown awry by amusing errors caused by their damn near unpronounceable language.

The series didn't air at all, but at the last minute Fox picked it up to replace its prime-time reality show, Who Wants To Film a Reality Show? The show was canceled after half an episode, when 80% of the audience went insane and shrieked wildly in strange inhuman tongues, attacked family members, sacrificed small animals, gnawed the flesh from their own hands, and grew gills^[9].

Since the cancellation, Cthulhu has branched into other media. His new online news-service advice column already has 25,035 blind followers.

[edit] Cthulhu's Wager

This page was originally sporked from BJAODN.

Based on Pascal's Wager, Cthulhu's Wager measures the benefits/punishments of belief/non-belief in Cthulhu.

It follows logic thusly:

1. Cthulhu, if he exists, exists somewhere inaccessible to human beings, so we cannot be certain of his existence or nonexistence.
2. If Cthulhu exists, he will give a quick and relatively merciful death to those who have worshipped him and expressed their belief through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.
3. If Cthulhu exists, he will condemn those who have not worshipped him to an eternity of suffering and torment.

• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer finite pain.
• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which case you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer infinite pain.

The following table shows the values assigned to each possible outcome:

Now you must wager: do you choose to worship him or not?

So we can describe our calculus of pain, holding as the probability that Cthulhu exists, and that he does not exist.

If you worship him, we assign as the pain if he does exist, and as the pain if he does not exist. is less than because in both instances you go through the pain associated with worshipping Cthulhu, but in , you also get eaten, which is more painful.

If you worship him your expected pain is some finite constant:

For the case where you do not worship him, we assign as the pain if he does exist, and as the pain if he does not exist. will be zero or negative, because you actually get pleasure if you don't worship him and he does not exist.

If you do not worship him, your expected pain is:

However, , the pain if he does exist and you don't worship him, is infinite. Therefore, expected pain is infinite if you do not worship him, no matter what the associated probability .

As infinite pain is always greater than any finite pain, is always greater than .

Therefore, in order to minimize your pain, the only rational thing for you to do is to pick , and worship Cthulhu through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice. QED

[edit] Hobbies of Cthulhu

• Getting into yr Interwebs n pwning yr pr0n (and haeting Mudkip 4nd 411 th4t)
• Running for president of the United states
• Consuming the souls of mortals (at a constant of 1d10 people per round, apparently)
• Dreaming dark dreams in R'lyeh in his vast crypt outside of time
• Forms of torture so horrific, no human language has words capable of describing them
• Pinochle
• Performing in his garage band "Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones." They have so far released one album, "Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones Sing the Great Oldies".
• Acting as the lead role in Japanese Hentai films, doing such things as finding and touching schoolgirls' unmentionable areas, making them feel 'good'.
• Sponsoring the Campus Crusade for Cthulhu.
• Avoiding attacks from the albatrosses.
• Staring at you from the other side of the window. Yes, he can see when you are getting jiggy...

• Cake decoration, although he has developed a strange and worrying addiction to dragees. It is because of this that there are subliminal messages in H. P. Lovecraft's story The Call of Cthulhu, making people consume at least two dragees a day.
• Writing acoustic-ballads.
• Trying to beat Nathan Fillion's high score in ninja ropes.
• Answering UnNews:Ask Cthulhu questions sent in by mail.
• Goes on Bakajojo.com to look at Cthulhu porn. The evils of this site are so horrific and unspeakable that no eyes other than those of Cthulhu can view it without descending into eternal madness.
• Eating pie made from human souls.
• Showing up when I'm tripping balls.
• Managing the Cthulhu's Cthusthard and Ichorous Ice Cream chain of restaurants, which specializes in frozen gibbering treats.
• Guest-hosting cable TV network talk shows.
• Attacking Japanese merchant vessels as they sail the Pacific Ocean.

• Hanging out in the cafes of Amsterdam with Pingu plotting world domination and fucking with hippies' minds.
• Making sure Morbid Angel doesn't fuck up.
• Making drunk calls to ex-girlfriends that no one can understand but who is still an unspeakable whore! You whore!

[edit] X-Play

X-Play gives Cthulhu, 5 tentacles out of 5. This was X-Play.

[edit] References

1. ↑ Roughly eighty million years ago a sperm whale and a squid, while fighting, accidentally impregnated each other. Not hot; not hot at all. The resulting child was too ugly to die.
2. ↑ far outstripping rivals like Leviathan, Monstro the Whale, Dagon, the Deep Ones, and Aquaman
3. ↑ College Beyond Space and Time, BFA Library Studies, minor in Communications
4. ↑ souls of virgin lawyers
5. ↑ see Dr. Alan Alda's From Sleeping R'lyeh to Utah Lake: Secret Adoration of Dread Cthulhu in Provo, Utah University of Arkham Press; 1951
6. ↑ lose d6 sanity for reading this footnote
7. ↑ lose d10 sanity for reading this footnote
8. ↑ according to my calculations the number of fish-heads necessary to cause a black-hole singularity, making it impossible to shake a stick anywhere in the vicinity, is 4x10^30.
9. ↑ results varied according to marketplace

[edit] See Also

• My Neighbour Cthulhu
• Cthulhu for Prez!
• Cthulhu Day
• Cthulu 2: Electric Boogaloo
• Neil Cicierega
• Ben Stein
• DJ Tiesto
• Davy Jones
• H. P. Lovecraft
• Cthulhu v. Japan
• Indiana Jones
• Cthulhu Spawn
• Eris
• T'ckchnack'lqueztlexrchkcle

• JR "Bob" Dobbs
• Jim Henson
• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• HowTo:Avoid tentacle rape
• Nyarlathotep
• Baile Átha Cliath
• Squid
• Octopus
• UnNews:Ask Cthulhu
• My First Necronomicon
• Mosques
• Morons
• Mormons
• The evil Yu Gi Oh
• Ash Ketchum

[edit] External links

• "Cthulhu"
• Cthulhu For President
• Wikipedia article of Cthulhu in Choctaw (Chahta) language

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