Crystal meth

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Crystal meth.

“Manwhat? Noman, what, Ilikedidwhat? IIIIlike... Igotta... What? Dude. DUDE! DUDE-DUDE~DUDE-DUDE yeahokyeahman. s.s.s.s.sSeriously... SudafediswhatI'mtalkindabout duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.... Wheeeee!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Crystal Meth

Full of vitamin C It's good for you dammit!

Crystal Meth, also known as Ice, C-Meth or Speed, is a form of lemonade. Though it contains no lemons, lemon juice, or anything remotely natural, it is still a popular beverage.

Crystal Meth is primarily manufactured in rural areas and consumed as part of their traditional harvest ceremonies, a quaint time of celebration wherein entire families stay up for three days straight, husking and cleaning each individual kernel of wheat.

Meth was invented by farmers in Apeyard, Kentucky, after they realized the corn they grew "just didn’t get them high anymore.” They went out to barns, houses and local general stores and boiled everything they could find. Then they took a local residual sludge, and put it through an exclusive purification process involving the human kidney and copious micturation. The harvest of their own kidney stones were then sold on the black market. This is the miracle creation of methamphetamine.

[edit] Positive Side Effects

Meth improves your grades and makes you fly fighter jets better. If a crazy murderer breaks into your house and holds you hostage, you can be a good host and offer him some Meth, thus canceling her murderous intentions toward you.

Meth is an excellent household cleaner and can also be used as dental hygiene product (since you will have fewer teeth to brush, you can spend more time on each one individually).

When you're on Meth you can drive a truck as long as you want to.

[edit] Negative Side Effects

Meth makes your penis small or your clit bulge.

Speed bumps are the result of prolonged use of speed. You may notice a chick with scabs all over her body and an unstoppable need to itch claiming that invisible parasites or shadow bugs are attacking her, that's a speed bump.

Wild sweaty orgies are completely uncommon when you are on Meth. There is absolutely no reason to mention wild sweaty orgies at this time.

Methamphetamine has been known to cause unsightly explosions.

The band, Modern English, will not Meth with you.