Crumpet

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mmmm, that's one hot crumpet

Crumpets are a bread-related item which occur exclusively in Great Britain, where they are used as currency and sexual aids. Crumpet(s) can be used to pleasure Men, Women, Elders, children, Animals, lamp's, rocks, JESUS, and in some rare cases Asians. A supporter of Tea Time, the Crumpet is currently at war with "Dinner" for afternoon meal supremacy. The Crumpet is also the main Currency in England.

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[edit] History

Crumpets were invented in 1274 by Alfred the Great during his time hiding in a bakery. The invention came about when Alfred, bored by blowing bubbles in his milk with a straw, tried blowing bubbles into some dough. The result was the earliest form of Crumpet (known originally as the kearmpitt), which quickly grew to unprecedented popularity.

Within a few decades, Crumpets became a valuable source of nourishment for the nation, as well as being used informally as currency. A subset of standard Crumpets were also developed for use as weapons which were similar in use to a discus, however the art of this baking has long since been lost.

In 1328, the War of Scottish Independence resulted in Scotland being declared Crumpet-Non-Grata, and expelled from Great Britain. All crumpets were removed from Scotland, and an Italian builder with a bathroom fixation named Hadrian was commissioned to wall in the Scots. This situation lasts to this day, with Scotland enjoying its own parliament, soccer team and obesity problem.

At some point during the 16th Century, Crumpet became inextricably linked to Butter (though the reasons for this are still unclear). However, the Crumpet And Butter Symbiosis Act was quickly passed in 1727 to ensure that the exquisite nature of Crumpets and Butter could never be forgotten. This Act introduced serious penalties for Butterless Crumpets.

In 1931, the Gold Standard was abandoned in Great Britain and the Crumpet Standard was instead adopted in the Crumpet And Sundry Bread-Adjacent Products Act. This Act formalised hundreds of years of informal Crumpet-based local economies. At the time of adoption of the Crumpet Standard, one Crumpet was worth £1 Sterling, or $613.28. If projected forward to today (1st February 2010), one Crumpet would be worth £3,827,213.87 or $1.64.

The sexual uses of Crumpets were first described in 1972 by Alex Comfort M.B. Ph.D. (Master Baker, Phallic Doctorate) in his book, “The Joy of Snacks”. This seminal work explained many positions, including “The Crumpled Crumpet”, “The Baker’s Dozen” and “Holey Crumpet”. This book became a best-seller overnight, and Crumpet popularity surged to new heights.

[edit] Consumption

Consumption of Crumpet occurs at Tea Time. This is not a specific time on the clock, but is rather a state of mind. Tea is held to have many magical powers, and Crumpet is known to act as a catalyst to tea. Tea Time can only occur if both Tea and Crumpet are present; without Crumpet, the event is known as “Cup O’ Tea”. If Scones are present, the correct term is “Cream Tea”. If a Foreigner confuses these terms, they will be either deported or sent to the Tower Of London (an enormous edifice on the Banks of the River Thames which serves as the National Tea Shop).

[edit] As Currency

Crumpet is used exclusively within Great Britain, with The Pound Sterling (£) being used externally. This situation arose following what has now become known as the 1935 Incredulous Foreigner Fiasco, where no other nation would accept a baked bread-based product could be a currency. In order appease these Foreigners, Sterling was re-introduced but is today used only by Tourists and Foreigners.

Sterling is converted to Crumpet in huge warehouses known as Industrial Bakeries run by the Government-appointed Hovis Warburtons conglomerate. These warehouses are highly-protected areas where currency is “baked” from raw ingredients.

[edit] As Sexual Aids

We are British. Sex does not exist and will not be discussed in such a fashion. The Internet is not the place for discussions of sex. Harumpf.

[edit] Crumpets and the Metric System

It is a well known fact that during the early to mid 1800's all of Europe was under rule of the fiefdom know as the Metric System. This period is also known as the Black Death. During this period the Metric System created the Chav. These Chav's were the Metric System's pawns, due to the Chav's low intelligence and attraction to any lights, sounds, pyrotechnics and shiny objects. Chavs are the ultimate weapon - easy to satisfy, they lack common sense and show a disturbing tendency towards violence. The Metric System used them to rule over Europe for many years. Finally, the Crumpet steped into the light. Crumpets almost instantly eliminated the Chav's by throwing a Burberry cap off a cliff (which the Chavs followed). The Crumpets proceeded to crush the Metric system from Metres to Centimeters. This effectively scared the Metric system to hide it's self in the far corners of the globe. The Metric system is known to still exist in places such as the Untied States of America. however the idea that this United States even exists at all is still being debated. As for the chav's, most of them were killed during the Crumpet rebelion. However some survived (accidentally presumed dead since chav's dont have mesurable brain activity) these creatures have migrated to Britain.

[edit] Notable achivements

• Holds the World Record for quickest time melting butter.
• The Crumpet is noted for successfully freeing the Human race of Americans. (1983)
• On a rainy tuesday the crumpet invented the telephone.
• Defeated GOD during George W. Bush's War on Terror.
• Father of both Jesus and chuck norris.
• Ruled all of Europe and southern Jesus land from the start of time, until yesterday.
• There was this one time a crumpet killed Lassie. That's why she's a vampire.
• The combination force of the crumpets and chocolate one the battle for Galactic conquest. (2026)
• Crumpet's <3 Pi
• Dancing in the rain.
• Exterminated chav from the human race. (1985)YAY!
• Staple of all meals since 1969.

[edit] Notable Crumpets

• England
• Uncyclopedia (that's why it's so amazing)
• The Queen
• Edgar Alen Poe
• Vikki Ingham
• Jessicarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
• Nathan Dawson
• The Pink Panther
• Harry Potter
• Johnny Depp
• Dell (laptops not included)
• Scone's
• Pretty much anything that's Magic
• The Easter Bunny
• Master Chief
• All 300 Spartans are known to have been an elite race of Crumpet
• Staple of the Afternoon meal "Tea"