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“I went there once, I left with a nice onion baji and syphilis.”
Croydon is a prison in South London built over a collection of closed landfill sites. It is home to an underclass of backward sheep filth and is the biggest shithole since Smoke-on-Trent. The town is also popular with foreigners and illegal circus ferrets due to the British Home Office of immigration being based in Croydon. Croydon, despite what it says on those helpful little road signs, does not include Purley, which is in a separate dimension due to its mind altering one way system that will surely leave you crazy.
Croydon coagulated in a puddle of tramps piss in Pitcairn Island under the tyrannic domain of Elmo. In 1276 permission was granted to hold a market selling badly modified cars, child orphans, monkey butlers, minstrel makeup, the odd courgette and two onions there. Croydon was founded by the Romans who decided they liked Bromley more and pissed off, only using Croydon for its unsightly women and large rubbish dump, ie town centre. Croydon in a poor attempt to attract hummingbirds built a huge train station which was built in resembelance to a giant seagull turd mess, it has two mainline links; Brighton if you want some dandy and Lannduhn.
Croydon once had its own airport where the world's first woman to to fly around the globe, Amy Johnson, set her famous record. Of course, Churchill rightly saw fit to introduce new laws disallowing any records set by women and banished records of this by making the Croydon Airport into a bingo hall themed hotel full of Steve Martin films and old women knit.
Croydon is said to be home to the notorious k-floor hall stalker, Cardiff City enthusiast and sarcasm inventor - TESCO, not the store, but the person. He is a modern day myth and legend - all rolled up into one very slowy made rolly. People and dogs alike all travel from far and wide to be put down by his dark humourous barbs of sarcastic banter. Almost without exception, they leave disappointed: "Fuck off, you red-nosed git," being the height of drollery reached - and pretty much his only audible vomiting after the pubs have opened. Whilst marginally amusing the first time, this grates by the fifth repetition, and TESCO is reputed to have - on one memorable occasion in 2009 - repeated his little 'mantra' for over two hours, barely pausing for breath.
Croydon is fiercely proud of its culture. Many residents have interesting collections of myco-bacteria, fungi, and viruses. These are often mixed and exchanged when having a shag - in Croydon, it is not necessary to know the name of your co-shagee(s). It is likely that growing things in yogurt is as close as more Croydonites get to 'culture'.
Most residents are chavs and to be accepted by the town's civilians and to be a 'Croydinerr' you must complete a series of popular traditions:
- Drink 6 cans of economy cider (such as White Lightning) and try to find home
- Get your own home from the council by making a 14 year old pregnant, or, depending on gender, getting oneself pregnant at 14
- Get your own income from the government by feigning a fake back problem, or even feigning a real back problem
- Tan yourself orange to match your lovely Argos jewellery
- The Way of X.C. for more on X.C., look below.
X.C., a local ne'er-do-well, who trains the young in the ways of the Sith. His current pupils include: Sandeep Giri of Cheltenam and Alex Hook of Milsons Point. X.C. is also renowned for his adept ability in all kinds of sport; soccer, hockey and basketball. His signature force ability is the "Sith Sandstorm". Biography: The legendary X.C. was originally expelled from the Jedi Academy on Coruscant, for reasons unknown. Some former members of the Galactic Republic speculate that X.C's expulsion was due to his ever-increasing tendencies to replace the light-saber crystals of his fellow Jedi Knights with nuggets of cabanossi, stolen from the food reserves of 'Pizza Universe'. X.C. was allegedly accused of posing a direct threat to the Jedi faction during the Great Jedi Purge, as many Knights of the Old Republic found their weapons rendered useless in the face of armed Stormtrooper Clones, however useful in the face of an insatiable hunger for a tasty snack. Unfortunately, this was not a strong enough defence for X.C. during his Coruscant trial. Following his exile from the Jedi Academy, X.C. indulged in seemingly shunned activities, such as taking part in the active involvement of the 'art-house' film, "Hoo-Hah-Hoo Surprise". Apparently awakened from his decline in life, X.C. retreated to Croydon, where he was taken under the wing of a certain 'TCW', but very little is known about this particular figure. X.C. trained in the dark but powerful ways of the Sith, eventually graduating to 'Sith Master'. Then, in order to pay his $7.50 a week rent, he decided to begin training young boys in the ways of the Sith. He achieved initial success with his first student Andrew Wilson, until Wilson accidentally used Force Lightning in the bathtub and was left with terrible facial disfigurements and complete mental retardation, as well as an exponentially increasing stomach. His brother did similarly, and he too suffers from similar symptoms.
Nightlife in Croydon
Nightlife in Croydon is provided by several popular bars, all of which have a particular theme. For example, if you want to be pistol whipped go to Escapade, if you fancy dying of a stab wound try Popworld, or if all you want is to be followed home and murdered Lloyds is the place for you. Many will do a basic punch in the head, usually from behind.
Beerscooters are easily found, but - for some reason - rarely remarked upon by the sober. One recent sighting was of a Quadri-Scoot 3500 XE - with magical Dingo-lady attachment - able to go from 0-Upsidedown in less than seven seconds
Croydon is home to Crystal Palace F.C, though the club insists it's part of London and has never heard of Croydon. CPFC is famous for rearing Ashley Cole to be the bright pansy he is nowadays. The club has also won the Brazillian league a record of zero times in its 1990s heyday and is really only famous because Eric Cantona once had diarrhoea there after beating a fan senseless. Crystal Palace currently rejoice in their 5th title in as many years in the "Most Ludicrous Strip" competition a title they wrested from Lagos Vampires in 2004. The brightly coloured Clown outfit designed by Simon Jordan and based on the burlesque Harlequin has caused hilarity among opposing fans ever since.
Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan epitomises Croydon, and is somewhat a local treasure to the subnormal beings that share his love for bleached hair, bling, closetness, orange skin, greasy attire and arrogant tosser attitude. It was confirmed in 2009 Jordan is to continue with his highly rated ladies perfume range and move to self tanners.
Crystal Palace also famously managed to misspell their own name on their club crest in the 2005-06 season. They are therefore widely now known as "Chrystal Palace" in honour of this towering incompetence
Like much of the world, sports in Croydon include the well-known Flick-a-Tab; here the contestant seeks to flick his stash of tablets as far from his person as possible, whilst unobserved by the arresting constabule of the Police Service (and formerly Constables when the Mat. had a Police Force). This is to allow the semblance of innocence - and non-possession when searched - and possible recovery later. Don't count on that, as the rats and curs of Croydon (a minority having four legs, as against two) will usually sweep the streets clean.
Within living memory, darts was permitted within the Borough; possession of three tungsten-pointed offensive weapons is now justiciable.
Another popular sport in Croydon is 'Drunken Brawling', a violent and sometimes fatal sport but tame compared to the Consortium/Sklepopoli battles of Hanwell, full of animalistic but strangely complex ritual. Dispite its horrific sounding reputation it is very popular among the local youths. Taking place most evenings of the week, the protagonists descend on Croydon's varied drinking establishments where the strict rules reqire the ritualistic consumption of enough alcohol to drop a horse. Once participants, referred to as 'bar-men' (whose main job is to feed other players their alcohol throughout the event) ring a special bell the second part of the game begins. All players must charge into the street where a bloody and mindless battle ensues. Both men and women can compete and teams are optional, although if teams do compete there is nothing to stop them turning on each other if they wish. Referees known as 'police-men' stand by in small groups and watch events. Occasionally they intervene and may choose to place players in the back of either a 'police van' or an 'ambulance'. Reputations can be earned or lost through a stint in these vehicles.
Although difficult to see from the haze of pure alcohol and despair that permeates the town Croydon is renowned due to its architecture by as many as 3 entities. These are principally one mentally defective, lame slug, the Mayor of Slough and a half eaten piece of babybel in the Croydon underpass. To lift the spirits of the town it was decided that everything should be in a multitone, eclectic colour scheme, unfortunately as no Polish builders were around when built it has instead been formed from pure concrete gradually chiselled away into, what is assumed, the form of pure degradation. Highlights are many and puts such great English town centres as Neasden and Hull to shame. Marvel at the Croydon Council building, currently the 74th tallest building in the world and voted most likely place to commit suicide from for 128 years in a row. Over half the area is subterranean where everything is permeated in a constant smell of piss, it is however a prime area of urban regeneration as the used needle recycling industry is very strong in Croydon. The design of the town was deliberately chosen to promote areas where gang rape can occur as this was judged a way of 'bringing the community together.' The only tourist attraction is a small alleyway that always plays reggae music and is also good if you're caught short and need a quick dump.