Croydon
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“I went there once, I left with a nice onion baji and syphilis.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Croydon
Croydon is a prison in South London built on a heap of trash somebody forgot to throw out from 1980's architecture moulded over a landfill that was created when God sent the great storm of 1987 to punk'd Michael Fish. The town is also popular with foreigners and illegal circus ferrets due to the British Home Office of immigration being based in Croydon. Croydon, despite what it says on those helpful little road signs, does not include Purley, which is in a separate dimension due to its mind altering one way system that will surely leave you crazy.
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[edit] History
Croydon coagulated in a puddle of tramps piss in Pitcairn Island under the tyrannic domain of Elmo. In 1276 permission was granted to hold a market selling badly modified cars, child orphans, monkey butlers, minstrel makeup, the odd courgette and two onions there. Croydon was founded by the Romans who decided they liked Bromley more and pissed off, only using Croydon for its unsightly women and large rubbish dump, ie town centre. Croydon in a poor attempt to attract hummingbirds built a huge train station which was built in resembelance to a giant seagull turd mess, it has two mainline links; Brighton if you want some dandy and Lannduhn.
Croydon once had its own airport where the world's first woman to to fly around the globe, Amy Johnson, set her famous record. Of course, Churchill rightly saw fit to introduce new laws disallowing any records set by women and banished records of this by making the Croydon Airport into a bingo hall themed hotel full of Steve Martin films and old women knit.
Applied to beoome an Islamic state but got rejected due to poverty of the area.
[edit] Culture
Croydon is fiercely proud of its culture. Most residents are chavs and to be accepted by the town's civilians and to be a 'Croydinerr' you must complete a series of popular traditions:
- Drink 6 cans of economy cider (such as White Lightning) and try to find home
- Get your own home from the council by making a 14 year old pregnant
- Get your own income from the government by feigning a fake back problem
- Tan yourself orange to match your lovely Argos jewellery
Nightlife in Croydon is provided by several popular bars, all of which have a particular theme. For example, if you want to be pistol whipped go to Escapade, if you fancy dying of a stab wound try Popworld, or if all you want is to be followed home and murdered Lloyds is the place for you.
[edit] Sport
Croydon is home to Crystal Palace F.C, though the club insists it's part of London and has never heard of Croydon. CPFC is famous for rearing Ashley Cole to be the bright pansy he is nowadays. The club has also won the Brazillian league a record of zero times in its 1990s heyday and is really only famous because Eric Cantona once had diarrhoea there after beating a fan senseless. Crystal Palace currently rejoice in their 5th title in as many years in the "Most Ludicrous Strip" competition a title they wrested from Lagos Vampires in 2004. The brightly coloured Clown outfit designed by Simon Jordan and based on the burlesque Harlequin has caused hilarity among opposing fans ever since.
Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan epitomises Croydon, and is somewhat a local treasure to the subnormal beings that share his love for bleached hair, bling, closetness, orange skin, greasy attire and arrogant tosser attitude. It was confirmed in 2009 Jordan is to continue with his highly rated ladies perfume range and move to self tanners.
Crystal Palace also famously managed to misspell their own name on their club crest in the 2005-06 season. They are therefore widely now known as "Chrystal Palace" in honour of this towering incompetence
Another popular sport in Croydon is 'Drunken Brawling', a violent and sometimes fatal sport but tame compared to the Consortium/Sklepopoli battles of Hanwell, full of animalistic but strangely complex ritual. Dispite its horrific sounding reputation it is very popular among the local youths. Taking place most evenings of the week, the protagonists descend on Croydon's varied drinking establishments where the strict rules reqire the ritualistic consumption of enough alcohol to drop a horse. Once participants, referred to as 'bar-men' (whose main job is to feed other players their alcohol throughout the event) ring a special bell the second part of the game begins. All players must charge into the street where a bloody and mindless battle ensues. Both men and women can compete and teams are optional, although if teams do compete there is nothing to stop them turning on each other if they wish. Referees known as 'police-men' stand by in small groups and watch events. Occasionally they intervene and may choose to place players in the back of either a 'police van' or an 'ambulance'. Reputations can be earned or lost through a stint in these vehicles.
Croydon is also the name of an infamous bogan stronghold in Australia.
