Crowbar

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Crow-bar
A crowbar in Nottingham, England.


“...”
~ Gordon Freeman on a crowbar
“This article only has one Half-Life joke”
~ Captain Obvious on a crowbar

A crowbar is a tavern for crows.

edit History of the crowbar

edit Origins

The first documented crowbar was recorded in Romania in 236AD by the Roman historian Bilius in his "Life in the Province of Dacia". He observed that Romanian crows were frequently to be found in the tavernae and were amongst the highest-spending non-citizens of the Roman Empire in Dacia. His observations lead most readers to believe that a typical crowbar has:

  • a pool table
  • a juke box with Neil Sedaka B sides
  • expensive sherries
  • Cuban or Burmese cigars for sale (and never to be stored in a humidor)
  • light snackfoods involving pork offal or cheese

It is unclear whether the crowbar predates the Roman Empire or was a by-product of it. What is known is that a number of other specialist bars appeared between 350AD and 470AD in Dacia as well as further west in what is now France, Austria and Belgium. The emubar, sparrowbar, goosebar and magpiebar were all recorded across the northern stretches of the empire and in Egypt, the world's largest ibisbar occupied 3 acres of downtown Alexandria.

edit The Dark Ages

Between 600AD and 1976AD, the crowbar dropped off the hysterical record.

edit The Modern Era

Many cities now have an active crowbar scene. Crowbars exists in most major cities throughout Europe, the USA, Canada, The People's Republic of Rotherham, South-East Asia, and David Flair.

edit Social Roles

edit Community Meeting Place

Crows are usually eager to fly into town, sit down and discuss life, the world and everything. Work is a common topic and many business trips to farms, municipal waste dumps and business parks are discussed over copious amounts of sherry. Shooting a few rounds of pool and sharing expensive, imported cheeses around a table helps social bonding and cohesiveness. Typical evenings involve threats of violence towards outsiders should they get within 5 metres of the cheese or order sherry at the bar.

edit Dos and Don'ts

Hanging in a crowbar is safe and fun if you follow a few, simple dos and don'ts.

edit Do

  • dress smartly. You will get no respect if you are wearing ragged clothes with holes or visible patching or have straw protruding from any pocket, sleeve, collar, etc.
  • speak slowly. Crows are not human and have difficulty understanding words.

edit Don't

  • play pool for money with a crow and do not win, ever
  • purchase sherry at the bar
  • put anything on the jukebox unless you know it is a Neil Sedaka B side
  • agree to go on a date with a crow

edit See also

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