Crossword

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Crossword

Arthur Wynne's first masterpiece of religious instruction

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Crossword is a Christian initiative founded by religious leader Arthur Wynne. Wynne, in his infinite genius, managed to reclaim the filthy, Satan-ridden pursuit of word puzzles and turn it into a God-respecting, spiritually sound activity. The Crossword initiative has been cited, along with the Gideon Bible, as among the top evangelistic efforts.

edit History

In 1912, Arthur Wynne was distressed at rumors abroad that Europe was gearing up for that awful blemish on Christian history, World War I. Rumors were rampant that the war was turning people into disillusioned modern socialists. "There are no atheists in foxholes," he opined. "They're all in the United States of America, messing things up." (Some sources report him saying "fucking things up" instead, but these are clearly the work of godless Antichrists who try to erase God from American history while beating their wives and smoking marijuana.)

At the same time, he had noticed a certain variety of word puzzle gaining popularity in trashy newspapers. To do one of these puzzles, one had to write letters into a grid to uncover a completely secular message. This was, of course, diametrically opposed to the Bible, which did not require fooling with any written letters. Or writing letters with fools, for that matter. Nevertheless, Wynne could not deny that the masses seemed to find these puzzles...fun.

"Why should I let the Devil have the best pastimes?" he exclaimed, and his genius took shape. Wynne, in a perfect real-world adaptation of Scriptural values, took the old wineskin (word puzzles) and turned it into a new wineskin, the Crossword puzzle.

The name "Crossword," of course, is a clever concatenation of the Cross and the Word. True Crossword puzzles contain clues with solid faith-based messages. Some of the better Crosswords are "themed," and contain subliminal messages in the grid once the puzzle is complete. All answers are written in capital letters, echoing the Tetragrammaton.

As the Crossword evolved flourished, it developed into three distinct grids: the American, the British, and the Japanese. American grids hold the most letters, because America holds the most faith. The British grid contains more black squares, because British people have more spiritual darkness. As for the Japanese grid... well... um... the less said about the Japanese grid, the better.

Sudoku

This is a real Sudoku puzzle. You will find that the numbers given form an Inverted Cross, the symbol of Satan. In case this isn't totally clear, we have marked it for you.

Of course, with any religious teaching, false doctrine will sneak in. There are three main varieties. The "cryptic Crossword" is simply an exercise in mistranslation. In rendering the clues of the Crossword in plain, colloquial speech, this perversion of the Crossword promotes bad theology, a distorted view of God, and a reduced vocabulary. Also problematic are the "diagramless crossword," which denies the existence of dark squares and thus original sin, and the "fill-in." The "fill-in" has no clues; the words are given, and one must fit them into the board. This promotes logic at the expense of reading the original source of clues - Scripture - and is therefore un-Biblical.

During World War II, the military detained Wynne and humanely questioned him about what they believed to be secret military details in his Crossword puzzles. The charges were dropped when Wynne produced the relevant Scripture passages, which coincidentally happened to mention ships, Normandy, Germany, and a secret invasion.

In 2005, Crossword's hold on the American public was challenged by the popularity of Sudoku, an ancient Shinto discipline. As the Bible says somewhere, dogs always return to their own vomit. This was of course just another ploy by the Devil to corrupt children. Wynne was outraged: "Sudoku represents yet another attempt by New Agers to distort the Biblical image of our One True Christ, and to replace the poetry of the Christian faith with cold, heartless numbers!"

In response, a few forward-thinking, but misguided Christian churches introduced what were known as "Cross Sums," which proponents argued reconciled the undeniable attraction of numbers with Christian messages. It should be readily apparent, however, that it is impossible to separate numbers from their occult origins, no matter what those Pharisee Sadducee heretics think. The digit was invented by Buddhists and Hindus. Therefore, any real Christian will flee from involving himself with numbers.

edit Criticism

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Crossword.

Some uppity atheists, clearly in ignorance of the fact that the United States is a Godly nation, have criticized Crossword puzzles for inserting religious messages into secular media. Nobody listens to atheists, of course, and Crosswords continue to flourish.

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