Our Drug of Choice
Cross country is the sport where one must motivate oneself to achieve a level of pure pain and awesomeness. It has been reported that cross country runners frequently are enormously hott if they are of the female persona or if male are reported being seen frequently with the aforementioned female runners with both runners in a state of undress in sub-zero temperatures. Cross Country is the only sport where one runs where ever the creator of the course damn well chooses and thus the level of awesome is much higher than that of track. Cross country is way better than football and wrestling[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]for the following reasons: there are no time outs, no water breaks, no substitutions; this is a sport, not a game. When the team uses the track, they run circles around the football team. The only negative is that the only reward to this sport of the epic is a piece of fabric. The bottom line is that CC is covered in Awesome Sauce.
Cross Country was formed when a group of very nerdy people decided to run, anywhere, and I mean anywhere! After many failures these nerds decided one day to have a race to the nearest church, the catch was they had to run in a straight line from where they started, jumping over fences, cows, grannys, and in one recorded case a fourteen story sewage plant. After many people saw this level of awesome that emanated from mere nerds, others joined the sport but in the spirit of fairness and the somewhat odd phenomenon that they were actually good, the nerds were allowed to stay on teams. Organization eventually developed through the use of several foundations and associations and now set distances are used for most every competition. A majority of participating cross country runners today are masochists. From flaming snowballs to almost drowning in the river, us cross country'ers are purely amazing!!!
Cross Country TraditionsMembers of Cross Country teams generally have a various number of odd traditions. A common tradition of EVERY team is to play Frisbee and Hacky Sack all the time. Nobody is sure why runners are so attracted to the Frisbee. (Some scientists believe that over-consumption of crappy Gatorade is a cause of Frisbee obsession.)
- Hitting every stop sign you pass until they fall.
- Naming and touching the closest handicap symbol.
- Recruiting ex-soccer players.
- Being obsessed with pasta and bagels.
- Trying to get with your team-mates of the opposite sex even though you know they will betray you and find some other guy who is most likely gay.
- Shunning those who fail to wear shorts that are at least one inch above their knees.
- Harrassing those who dont have enough pubic hair to get naked in the locker room showers.
- Attending the most amazing pasta parties the day before a meet
- Racing to touch every wooden mailbox on a run
- Making up new things to race to because you suck at getting the wooden mailboxes first
It is very easy to learn to be a cross country runner. Go to your nearest sporting equipment store and buy a pair of running shorts that are just long enough to cover your genitalia. Then buy yourself a decent pair of running shoes (not those fakes tennis shoes). After that simply run in any given direction over any obstacle.
If you're joining a team, You're Fucking Awesome!
To join a team, find the coach. He will be happy to have you and that will be the only time he will smile unless you mention bitchos. Then he will talk behind your back about how you should stop running with your arms out to the side and tell you to stop being a dumbass. Congratulations, you're on the team! The coach tells you where to run, when to run it, how fast to run it, and how many times you will run it.You will do it because he said so! Also, they usually never take any bitching, so shut it now Nancy. No one wants to listen to what your gonna say anyway! Don't try to hook-up with his girlfriends daughter even though she will do whatever you want with her mom and the coach in the next room.
- Hill Repetitions - A method of torture developed by Adolf Hitler himself. Initially it was used to make American and Yugoslavian Prisoners of War talk. This workout consists of a coach and or sadistic ex-Nazi psychopath ordering runners to repeatedly sprint up a hill. This workout is unique in the fact that it makes every single runner on the team regardless of skill level want to shoot themselves repeatedly in the face or impale themselves on the nearest fencepost.
Contents of a typical team
- Varsity - The runners who have dedicated their lives to being plain awesome. They run everyday and the coach adores them. Except the ones who don't run in the winter because its cold, or their mom won't let them run in the morning! They always have their damn Gatorade and need to be prepared for all occasions at all times. It's adorable.
- Coach - A long winded bastard/psychopath with no regard for what you may or may not have planned later and lets you go running an hour and a half later than planned. He tells runners what to do and yells a lot but the runners rarely need to pay attention to him, especially once they've gotten a few miles away from him.
- Assistant Coach - Similar to the coach in that one rarely needs to pay attention to the assistant. Typically chimes in with lame philosophical crap. You don't really need him...just harrass and prank him until he leaves, or dies! Otherwise he can be pretty legit on his own, but he's always teased for some reason or other...sometimes in his face, sometimes not.
- Average - The runners with nothing better to do, which caused them to stumble on a way to make themselves awesome. They run for various reasons, but nothing too intense. They also enjoy running because they can eat whatever they want without worry. Some have been known to eat entire family size pizzas and calzones in one sitting, as well as ten tacos at taco bell in ten minutes! But we don't drink soda! We drink Gatorade at meal time. YEahh!
- The MVP (The Most Valuable Pureawesomeness) - The top runner on the team. The one the coach mentions the most and uses for all demonstrations for how to run. Typically when not seen running is thinking about running. The coach loves them, regardless of gender, and is possibly the only person he holds any admiration for or has an inkling of respect. Usually the toughest, strongest and who has the sexiest (for men, hairiest) legs of all time. They are also completely immune to pain.
- The Seventh Man- The runner who barely made it on to varsity and is near becoming an average. Nobody will ever speak badly of him though, because he tries. Every girl on the team loves him, for some stupid terrible horrible reason.
- The Eighth Man- The runner who barely didnt make it on to varsity, and is sent to run with the average runners. He/she lives for the moment when a varsity runner is injured. This runner is friends with the varsity squad but is always completely ignored by the coaches. The Eighth Man is the only runner on the team who is actually excited when the seniors leave and open up new varsity spots.
- Social - Not very good runners who hate running, but come out every year just for the social aspect. People wonder why.
- Manager - The person who is too lazy to run so takes up the manager spot and encourages teammates to do well; occasionally hits on the girl's team; but its usually a female, or usually asian and rides a bike alongside the runners.
- Slow Runner - The runner that can't keep up with anyone else, goes on their own runs and listens to the music on his IPod. Usually they quit halfway through the season.
- Weirdo - The runner that is fucking weird but is good at running so you are forced to run with him and listen to his rambling about his sexual experimentation.
- Lightening-Sloth - This is the runner that is generally lazy; never running in the off season, and only running when he absolutely has to. Somehow, they are still very good but are an asshat about it, so no one actually likes them. They would be the best, but just don't give a crap. He gets by on pure natural ability and is only motivated by being a belligerent douche to teammates who actually try.
- The Pansy - This form of runner isn't actually that bad when he actually applies himself, however they are constantly complaining about how hard the workouts are or about how their pinkey toe has an acute sprain. He/She constantly making up excuses to not run and is hated by the coach/the rest of the team.
- The Douchebag - The one runner who is fucking terrible, and everyone knows he is fucking terrible, but insists on telling everyone how amazing he happens to be at running. It's even worse if he actually is good at running. He's a jerk.
- The Treefrog - A very rare breed of runner who begins his journey as an immovable object and slowly matures into an unstoppable force. Treefrogs, due to their humble beginnings as tadpoles and their evolution through extreme hard work and dedication reach a level of awesomeness rarely obtained by anyone except the MVP and occasionally by a few varsity runners.
- The Brownbear - The one with the brownbear gene. Extremly rare and hard to find one of these elusive creatures.