Independent State Of Croatia
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|Motto (unofficial): "We'll be in the EU in 2054 - 100 years before Serbia."|
|National Anthem: Mr Saxobeat|
|Official language||Not Serbian|
|Capital||Zagreb ("Scratch City")|
|Government||Catholic Oligarchy Masquerading as Democratic Republic|
|President||John Of Little Josephs (Ivo Josipovič)|
|Best actress||Ševerina Vučković alias Ševe (stolen video)|
|Population||Not many, due to the wolves|
|Religion||TV, followed by ritual coffee drinking.|
“Croatia gave us Severina's sex tape, while the Serbs gave us Slobodan Milosevic. Game, set, and match: Croatia!”
“Since the Australian football team is mostly Croatian, we win either way.”
It has been said that "Croatia and the Croatian people are the only ex-Yugoslavians who were right!". And as long as you discount the whole "invading Hercecgovina and blowing up a 600 year old bridge for no good reason", it is generally held to be true. They are very proud of the fact that it is impossible to translate these curses in any other language because of their brilliance. Every second word in Croatian is "kurac" - it can mean almost anything depending on the context. Croats believe they are Aryans, Goths, Iranians, Avars, Bulgarians, Slavs, Illyrians and who-knows-what-else, all at once. Everything but Serbs. Essentially, this means their parentage is unclear.
When a Croatian is bored of the country he was blessed to live in, he goes to Germany which is already inhabited by more Croatians than Croatia itself. When there, he will never stop saying that Croatia is the most beautiful country in the world.
The map of Croatia looks like the letter C (although perhaps it is a boomerang, a croissant, or a magic banana), which actually also shows how hard-working the Croats are. They are so tired after sleeping at work all day that they need to sleep a few more hours, especially when they miss the daily dose of the national drugs, coffee and gossip. The drowsiness is expressed in typical regional expressions: "I-don't-feel-like-it"("Neda mi se") and "I-don't-want-to."("Neću")
The Croatian capital, Zagreb, is mostly full of students and foreigners. There is an urban legend about people actually born in Zagreb, but all witnesses have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Zagreb is home to 101 Dalmatians. All the grass in Zagreb has been eaten by cattle that mysteriously came from the east.
Croatia comprises two regions, the inland (also known as Slavonia and Središnja Hrvatska), which was part of Hungary for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Austria, and the coast (also known as Dalmatia, Primorje and Istria), which was part of the Venetian Republic for a millennium and therefore thinks it is really Italy. The two parts despise each other; the pale-skinned inlanders for their coffee addiction, the tanned coastals for their obsequiousness to foreign tourists. The two have nothing in common except religion and hatred of Serbs and Slovenes.
The two regions have different dialects of Croatian. You can tell which part of the country you are in by looking at the locals. If they sit in front of their houses, you are in southern Croatia. If they sit in front of their houses, you would be in northern Croatia.
The coastal region (also known as magyar tenger) mainly lets Croatian fire brigades compete to see which has the better Jeep. There are also some serious fires, but the fire brigades do not fight them, as there is no budget for suitable equipment after buying the snazzy all-terrain vehicles.
Croatia's history is long and glorious (at least, according to Croats), although until 1941, Croatia never really existed as an independent country. In 1991, Croatia started a new, independent chapter as the most obscure department of the European Union. Eurocrats cannot enforce their Europe-wide directives in Croatia, nor even find it on a map.
Through recorded history, Croats were subjects of the Avars, Franks, Byzantines, Hungarians, Venetians, and Austrians (and, since 1918, the Serbs). Nevertheless, this long servitude has had a strong impact on the Croatian psyche and has given Croats plenty of time to create a glorious virtual history with innumerable heroes, kings and princes, their own statehood and the Parliament. Some Croats claim to be descendants of the Hungarian whores and Serbian officers serving in Austrian and Hungarian armies, though they did not consider themselves Croats and did not speak any Croatian.
Croats have a long history of falling out with anyone with whom they happen to be in a union (Romans, Germans, Austrians, Czechs, Hungarians, Slovaks, Slovenes, Serbs, Macedonians, Montenegrians, Bosniaks, Klingons, Smurfs, Barbies, etc.). In honor of that, they named a city on the Adriatic coast Split. However, the only real war Croatia ever fought was against Greece in 1992. They lost, of course, but Croats, as always, were not to blame. Albania did not give the Croatian phalanx of elephants free passage across the mountains and Croatia, lacking a navy, had to surrender.
Croatia's major exports are sunshine, fortified homemade liquor, dark tan, nice vacation memories, and pregnant tourists. Minor exports are popular music, unusual clothes (called narodna nosnja), digestive problems caused by a wide variety of food that compels people to overeat, and curable sexual diseases. Croatian Generals are also exported, mostly to Den Haag, if not misplaced in transit.
Tourist services are well-developed; they will tell you so. Croatia makes more of its few-hundred-kilometer coastline than neighboring Hungary does with the 90 km Balaton Lake. Fully two of Croatia's many beaches have sand instead of the typical rocks. It is a matter of national pride that a beachfront theme is, "Experience the true Sahara," a truly creative way to put a happy face on chronic outages of the fresh-water system.
Apart from robbing and exploiting tourists, a significant source of national income is foreign loans. They are not really loans, as Croatia has no serious intention to repay them.
Croatian science (or znanost, knowledge) marches on with the invention of a perpetual motion machine. The announcement of this invention, the "gravitational engine" of inventor Miroslav Stabek of Sarajevo, appeared in the authoritative Croatian state news agency Hina, to dispel all doubt as to its believability. The announcement stressed that "all proceeds from the product over the next two years will go to the Croatian state budget." News of this invention by a Croat will elate all Croats who are striving to prove that a Serb Nikola Tesla indeed sent a cable to some Croatian politician.
Croatian culture is rather a contradiction in terms, but Croats live in a fantasy of having a very rich culture. If one asks you how you like their culture, please just smile and nod. The abundance of cultural and natural treasures in Croatia are mostly remnants of foreign domination.
Croatians are very hospitable and friendly (except if you are Slovenian or Serbian - I guess that they really hate their neighbours) in so much as they want to know everything about you ASAP for use in the sport "What-Did-They-Do?" Also most of the people will be very communicative: every time you ask "Do you speak English" they will answer very politely "Ne!" (eng: NO!) and keep on looking at you.
You will find very devoted customer care especially in shops where people (even if you assure them that you don't speak Croatian) will continue promoting the qualities of the products they sell. Also, once someone does something noble to help you out, they just wont stop bragging about it: "Ja sam tebi brate tada pomogo, a ti meni ovako sad!" If you want to be sure and get everything you want, exploit their natural weakness and just pretend to be a German, at least Austrian, or just try to communicate in ze German.
There lives in this country a fellow named Nebojsa, meaning "tho one with no fears". The name itself is unpronuncable in any other language except Juuuebate, the language of the drunk. Nebojsa, also know as the whitest-of-them-all, for he never gets a sun tan. He roams through the depths of city saying "PLJUsnucute", "Prasice" and "AUPICKUMATERINU". Please shoot him on sight.
The primary language of Croatia is (surprise, surprise) Croatian!! (Actually it's whatever brings the tourist dollars/euros in "Our Beautiful" - "LIJEPA NAŠA" (as they call their country).) It is said, that the country will soon be called "Our Expensive", for they salty prices are said to be a bit too big, for a country that has 99999999 (the number is still in measuring) beaches, but only two of them, which do not have rocks and have sand. The two most important sentences in Croatia are "We should do it" and "It should be done". Over 1300 years, those ancient sentences marked Croatian history in terms of establishing its sovereignty. Recently, Croatians found a new science that explains the importance of these two sentences - should-be-ology. After proclaiming the independent Republic of Croatia in 1991, this sentence has become the national excuse for everything from establishing the Law of Rights to making the ferry come on time during summer.
The Croatian language largely consists of trying to avoid vowels, with double points for using z's and j's. The creator of Wheel of Fortune--the game show in which contestants can "buy a vowel"--was a Croat, though Croats never buy vowels but save their money for coffee and beer.
Croatian is totally different from Serbian despite common roots. For example: tea in Croatian is said čaj but in Serbian it is said čaj. If you already speak Serbian, it is easy to learn Croatian. Some Croats speak Slovenian and it is easy to recognize them: They just mumble "kaj" and act like drunk farmers.
When Croats aren't talking about Serbs, they brag about how much you can curse in Croatian, with curse words that proudly can't be translated into any other language. Every other word in Croatian is kurac, which can mean anything.
Croatians are avid sports fans. Croatian athletes have won international renown, but inside Croatia, the most popular sports are Coffee-Cup Lifting, Smoking and "What-Did-They-Do?” These sports require intensive training, typically at coffee shops, even during working hours. Employers support Croatian sports by excusing work absences. The most famous Croatian sportsman is Janica Kostelich. Her big ass is the main reason why she keeps on going down the hill that fast. She, like fellow skier Ivica Kostelich, looks male but has a female name.
Another popular sport in Croatia is beer drinking. It links the population to the Czech Republic. Old men and teenagers train for this sport all day every day. They sit in bars (the kafic) and try to zbariti (hit on) the waitress.
A recent new sport has a simple rule: You just have to priječi granicu, kill as many Serbs as possible, and burn down their homes. The winner becomes a national hero and wins a lifetime vacation in Haag. Croatians celebrate every defeat of the Serbian national team, in any sport, by any opponent, as enthusiastically as they celebrate Croatia's own victories.
Croatian popular music is considered tolerable, especially in surrounding countries.
The most notable Croatian star is Severina, at least among connoisseurs of pornography. Her private video is the most watched film in the Balkans; and she sings too, as though anyone were listening. Her singing is most often accompanied by the national instrument, hands clapping, from which the music genre gets its name, klapa.
Traditional music is sung in cafés (bument is the "prim" which can only be played by flaming homosexuals). One of the most popular Croatian Guitar/Bass/Drums/Harmonica/Gajde/Piano/Ukulele/Triangle/Harp/Dajguze/Anal Drombulja/Vibrafone players iz Zoran Vincic or "Zvina." He loves to say "Pićka" and is a 21-year-old virgin.
Some undying bands just keep making new albums, as some people just can't face the fact that they are u kurcu. This mid-life depression fleetingly affects people over 30, unemployed, and still living at home. The prevalent national musical genre is Sviranje Kurcu. But artists like Prljavo Kazaliste still roam the land, singing out-of-date pop/rock ballads to unwilling audiences.
Croats are generally nice at borders (except if you hold a Serbian or Slovenian passport). A warning is issued to all elderly Serbian and Slovenian passport holders to bring a book during border crossings. Failure to do so might result in death from endless "I was part of the Oluja" stories that the border guards tell to elderly travelers. Such stories can be stopped by offering the border guard 10 Euros or telling him how amazing and relevant his 10 year old story is.
Croatia is now trying hard to become a protectorate of the European Union, a natural consequence of centuries of foreign domination and its effect on the Croatian national character. However, Croatia is not expected to get this protectorate before the Ottoman Empire does. No matter, as long as they get in before Serbia.
|Socialistic Federal Republic of Yugoslavia|