Crisis on Infinite Earths

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2004-05-11 155654 John Byrne Toothless
DC writer John Byrne while working on Crisis on Infinite Earths.

The Crisis on Infinite Earths (henceforth "Crisis") was an pointless event that happened in 1985, when The Anti-Monitor (otherwise known as Jimbo Wales in some circles) came to the conclusion that in all of the multiple realities, there was too much information to be recorded and written about. So he set about creating a single universe, called the Clutter Universe, with a single Earth, called Clutter Earth. This was the combined total of all the Infinite Earths mashed into one Earth, with people getting merged together, things changing, history getting rewritten, comic book prices going up, etc. He did this overnight powered by three cans of Jolt using the power of a Playstation 2, which, pre-crisis (before Crisis) happened to have the power to merge universes.

edit Critical Events

Crisis itself affected all of time, including events prior to Crisis. So many established events were cancelled out so that they never happened. The following things that were previously true, never happened:

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Stan Lee becomes the owner of DC Comics for some reason.
Crisis5p3
Superman beats the shit out of Superman. Wait, what?
Elongated Man
You can't hate on Elongated Man. You just can't hate on him. You can't. It's just impossible.
  • Planet Krypton explodes.
  • Planet Krypton does not explode.
  • Planet Krypton was full of crappy flowers, which is the reason why it exploded.
  • The moon was colonized by the British.
  • Apa and Ama Kent die.
  • Batman never existed (He appeared in our reality three months ago). His secret identity is now Oscar Wilde.
  • Robin the Boy Wonder is not cool.
  • James Bond was a pretty woman, and a lesbian one.
  • The X-Men live in danger, being feared and hated by humanity (In our reality, they live in a posh school, are popular and their main problem covers love triangles between them). They eventually find peace when they all die one day.
  • Bruce Campbell was not the king, baby.
  • The Shrubbery obtains the ability to shoot rainbows from his ass and snowballs from his mouth.
  • The Red Skull was called the Yellow Skull and, by the way, it was Gandhi under the mask. This explains the kicking ability.
  • Geeks did not have sex with beautiful women.
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi fought under Bail Organa during the Clone Wars (In our reality, he fought under Organa just after the end of the Clone Wars).
  • The Ghostbusters TV series and second movie happened in the same universe.
  • Superman's motto becomes "Truth, justice, and all that stuff... sometimes."
  • You do not exist.
  • Dane Cook could shoot spaghetti out of his fingertips and had a laser cock.
  • Spider-Man´s life stayed fully unchanged. Why? Because he never even was there!
  • You weren't born, so you should be reading this.
  • Coke becomes better than Pepsi.


The following events, which were previously false, came true as a result of Crisis:


  • Playstation 2 sold out!
  • Aquaman still is the suckiest super hero in the DC Universe, but lost a hand and had it replaced with enchanted water. Then went missing, replaced with someone else calling himself Aquaman who sucks even more than the original Aquaman.
  • The Original Aquaman drowns in the bathtub filled with air.
  • Millions of billions of heroes and villains died.
  • Supergirl died, was erased from existence and was forgotten by everyone(except the readers and editors and normal people). Meanwhile different versions of Supergirl emerged, but got their asses kicked. To make things worse, angry readers started a rebellion against society. After deaths of a few hundred or thousand or... ah never mind, DC decided to bring Supergirl back. Later she would remember her death in the yet-to-come Infinite Crisis. By the way, wouldn't you go crazy if you remembered your death?
  • Nerds ate nothing but pizza, chips, peanuts, pizza and chips. And, of course, peanuts.
  • The wacky 2nd cubic moon never existed, and subsequently all records do not exist.
  • And, of course, Playstation 2 sold out!
  • George Clinton holds the official position of being the 5th Beatle.
  • Charlie Brown isn't changed, but now the Kite-Eating Tree has its own comic strip.
  • Dr. Doom did not change, but he is more arrogant than ever and now is a Scientologist, making him truly powerful.
  • Hal Jordan turns into a madman named Parallax, creates a Zero Hour, dies, comes back as The Spectre, dies again, comes back as a Green Lantern without any explanation and turns out he caught a yellow flu bug that made him evil, so now it does not count.
  • Semen is taken from Lex Luthor and Superman and collected during a party to be used to create Conner Kent , AKA Superboy of Emo Earth AKA Earth-8.
  • Jason Todd, Robin #2 of Earth-1 never died, but ages fast and becomes a villain known as the Red Hood and kicks Batman's butt.
  • The Joker of Earth-1 and Earth-2 are merged together, becoming the Sony Bono of Clutter Earth. He, like his wife Cher, gets plastic surgery and it all goes wrong and he becomes The Joker two weeks before Batman first appears. Cher naturally becomes Harley Quinn because now they are both the same person.
  • Peyton Manning now has not only a laser rocket arm, but a laser rocket heart. Every women dies for him. In both ways.
  • Aragorn kicked Sauron´s ass and Frodo flushed the Ring down the very toilet of Mount Doom.(and dumb Gollum dived after the Ring and drowned.)
  • Link, the Hero of Time, kicked Ganon´s ass.
  • Mario kicked Bowser´s ass.
  • Wario kicked his own ass, making himself as stupid as always was.
  • Shrek kicked the shit out of everyone and died his hair purple. Two goth chicks felt for that and now he has three wives.
  • Snoopy killed all the DC characters. This was later retconned as him only killing some kids that used drugs.
  • Multiverse was rebooted and erased, and as a result ... there had always been just a single universe.
  • Oh, did I mention that Playstation 2 sold out?!
  • As much of a threat as Anti-Monitor was, especially having killed Barry Allen and Supergirl, he was just an overzealous schizophrenic Star Wars geek dressed in armor, believing himself to be Darth Vader.
  • Later events would lead to Infinite Crisis, where everything would be repeated, except that Alex Luthor Jr. and Superboy-Prime would be villains instead of Anti-Monitor, plus that Superboy-Prime would become a psychologically warped, hypermacho psychopath with powers of seven Supermen, massacre thousands of people(such a psycho he was)and in the end was about to get his ass kicked by Superman. And in the end Alex would be slayed by Joker (he deserved it!).
  • Everytime a nonsense article is removed from Uncyclopedia, it´s like continuity rebooting in CoIE.
  • Pepsi becomes better than Coke.

edit Aftermath

Strange things happened after the Crisis, such as Ambush Bug becoming the Apex Predator after he found the Anti-Monitor's armor and decided to put it on, causing the even more confusing Infinite Crisis. Which means most of what you read here never happened, even if it did happen and there are no records and nobody has any memory of it. Although some of it did, but only after the Infinite Earths were released when Alex Luthor of Earth-3 made the Anti-Monitor fart them out of his arse, but only after Alex Luthor of Earth-3, Superman of Earth-2, Superboy Prime, Lois Lane of Earth-2 hid in a pocket universe before Crisis of Infinite Earths via a plot-hole. They watched all of these events happen, and then Superboy of Earth-Prime got upset and punched the pocket universe wall, causing these events to happen and not happen, until Lois Lane of Earth-2 got sick and Alex made the Anti-Monitor fart up Earth-2 for Superman of Earth-2 to save her, but it was really Earth-2.1A before they populated it with people. Then Earth-3.14, Earth-619, and Earth-3:16 showed up.

After that it was one big mess and they had to start killing off the C-List Heroes, and send all Supermen not currently in their own comic books into the Elseworld Retirement home on Earth-XBox 360 created by Microsoft to counter the Playstation 2 that had caused the Crisis on Infinite Earths in the first place.

edit Amalgamated Earths

The post-Crisis universe, which is Earth as you likely know it, contains several aspects amalgamated from various other Earths.

The political structure of all countries closely resembles that of Earth-345, while MTV comes to us from Earth-240,642.6. Orson Welles as it happens, is the only being alive that existed on all of the incarnations of Earth.


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