Crimson Sun Empire
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“Nice Article. Needs more Oscar Wilde though.”
If you have been directed to this page, it means one of two things:
- You're really really bored, and totally dependent on this site for entertainment.
- Someone has attempted to get you to join the ranks of the Crimson Sun Empire.
Regardless of which of the two it may have been, our great lord Pironious M. Biston I beckons you to join the great and powerful Empire in it plans for
World Domination Global Happiness.
edit History and Rituals
The Crimson Sun Empire was founded in 1684 by Pironious M. Biston I, as an organisation bent on defending the planet from vampires. While many people often criticise the Empire, claiming Vampires are a myth, or that Chuck Norris will keep the planet safe from such creatures, the
Cult Empire remains firm in their beliefs that only they can protect mankind.
Originally, upon initiation to the cult members were required to mutilate their right shoulder to bear the mark of the cult. This ritual was later changed to a tattoo, and has recently been completly abolished. New members were also granted a ceremonial jeweled dagger upon initiation, this too has been abolished.
In fact, all rituals corncerning initiation into the cult have been abolished, with one exception, that all female initiates are required to perform Oral sex upon our great lord Piro, unless they don't want to, which is also considered fine.
A strong belief of the Crimson Sun Empire, is that all things are "like a fish". This is due to the fish theory, where because something is deemed "like a fish", and a fish is undeniably "like a fish", they are related in the fact that they are both "like a fish". Thus, the theory logically proves itself, that everything is in fact, quite "like a fish".
edit The Blahfish
The Blahfish is an important icon in the Crimson Sun Cult, although no one is quite able to recall why. The greeting of "blahfish" is often used as substitute for any number of other words, however all rights to this word are retained by the great and powerful Lord Piro.
It is important for all
cultists Empire members to worship the blahfish, for it is a great and powerful Deity, and will grant them great rewards if it deems them worthy. However, it never deems anyone worthy, and so nobody cares
edit The Commandments of the Crimson Sun
These are the rules that bind all members of the
cultEmpire, for if they disobey they will be damned to spend eternity in an inverted shopping cart going downhill.
1) Thou shalt not be an Asshat.
2) Thou shalt not perform sodomy upon someone who doth not agree to be sodomised.
3) Thou shalt put any emo thou might encouter out of their misery. Permenantly.
4) Thou must eat Chilli or something equivalent as often as possible.
5) Thou shalt not fart within an enclosed space, lest it be a space reserved for such things.
6) Thou shalt not be an Asshat.
7) Thou shalt eat apple pie, and thou shalt love it
8) Thou shalt not question the Fish Theory
9) Thou shalt offer their body as a sacrifice to any starving Grue should the situation require it.
10) Thou must wear at least one purple item of clothing at all times. The current trend is socks and/or underwear.
11) Thou shalt not be an Asshat.
edit Crimson Sun Controversy
Naturally, being a
cult Global Empire of Happy, the Crimson Sun has faced it's share of controversy. "With great power comes great drama."
edit New Pacific Order Flag Theft
A group calling themselves the "New Pacific Order" stole the famous flag of the Crimson Sun, and simply altered the colours and called it their own. Some of their members may even claim that they are the rightful onwers of the flag, but rest assured this is a slanderous lie.
The Empire has decided, in it's mercy, not to lash out at the organisation that calls itself "NPO", or it's younger sibling, the "New Polar Order"(NpO), who's flag is also an altered Crimson Sun Flag.
edit There Are No Vampires
A common problem for the Empire is people declaring there are no vampires, and that the creatures they are hunting and slaying are infact fish.
Lord Piro himself assures the members of the Crimson Sun that these statements are also slanderous lies and the Vampires are simply "like a fish".
edit Azurecultface Coup
An entity once calling himself "Azurecultface" once attempted a coup, trying to seize control of the Crimson Sun Empire and assasainate Lord Piro. Needless to say, the attempt failed and Azurecultface was banished. There is a rumour that he changed his name and may attempt to rejoin the cult, but Piro assures everyone this is meerly pointless paranoia.
edit Member List
If you wish to become a member of the Empire, simply add your name here, or get someone to do it for you. You are not only welcome to officially sign other people up without informing them, but it is highly encouraged.
Here is the list of the Empire's members:
- Pironious M. Biston I
- Syrik--and you're damn lucky I decided to come over here and put my name on the list cause without me this page suxxorz, but now its acceptable. To improve, all we need is Mogar's avatar that he stole from Anti-Establishment.
- Rambo Has Blessed This Page With His Almighty Presence
- Mike Hunt Hurtz
- Harry Dong Izitchie
- Sleppy L. Jione
- Seymour V. Gina
- Your Mom
- Terra A. Taraxiia
- Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink
- VL Empire
- Jesus Christ
- Conan the Barbarian
- Ivan Moldavi
- Marcus Greene
- Jimmy Dean
- Victor L. Jione
- Jack Mehof
- Ilean Dover
- Seymour Butts
- Cheshire F. Caticus
- Lord Glaurung the Great
- Chuck Norris
- The Dark Lord of Verensky
- The Mighty Snakey
- THE chish
- The Supreme Moff
- NOT Oscar Wilde. This is due to a scheduling conflict with Wilde's World Tour of Quoting, but he has hinted at his desire to join.