Crimes inspired by video games

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Ever since video games became popular, politicians such as Jack Thompson, Joe Lieberman, and Hillary Clinton have repeatedly stated that they (the games, not the politicians, although both are true) have caused children and teenagers to become evil criminals bent on the ruination of society. According to these politicians, playing a video game even for five minutes can turn a person into a violent lunatic. The massive numbers of so-called "devil devices" have been directly responsible for numerous crimes, and this article attempts to document all crimes inspired by video games.

This is an incomplete list. The author may have an incomplete brain. New entries are always welcome. If the list is really short on content, please commit more crimes so we can stretch the list out.
You may be looking for Video game violence and not even know it!



Dawn of Civilization

3000 BC

  • Sumerian civilization was wiped out when their armies were unable to destroy Egyptian houses faster than the Egyptians could build them in strategic chokepoints. When asked for comment the pharaoh merely said "habadacus."

1910's

1918

  • World War I is allegedly caused by violent video games, and while some video game advocates insist that no actual video games existed the year 1918, Jack Thompson claims that the Russians might have played some Ping Pong.

1930s

1939

  • World War II provoked by a myriad of games detailing "World War II". Jack Thompson tried suing World War II on these grounds.

1940s

1942

  • June 4th - The Battle of Midway was inspired by Japanese and Americans playing too much Silent Hunter 4. The Japanese later blamed their defeat on the fact that a bug in the torpedo-targeting ingame made them miss when they tried shooting in real life. UbiSoft released a patch two weeks later, but it was too late to change the tide of war. The Japanese government sued UbiSofts parent-company for 12 billion dollars.

1970s

1972

  • January 23rd - A man in New York was killed by a tennis ball thrown with high velocity at his head. The criminal claimed that he didn't think balls could go fast. {By the way, That's what she said.}

1976

  • March 11th - Expert kidnappers hide their victims in a well designed maze. None of the victims were found because only the designer could figure his way through the twisty little passages, which were all alike.
  • May 17th - A group of East German rebels were executed after they attempted to destroy the Berlin Wall by bouncing a lead ball off a block of steel towards it.

1978

  • February 7th - Terrorists equipped with riot gear get into a shootout with police. The terrorists shot through a hole drilled into their shields; the police wisely ran away due to being out-defended.

1979

  • July 19th - A magic trick went horribly wrong. A random person was placed in a box, and was supposed to disappear from the box and appear somewhere else right before several large asteroids destroyed the box. However, the teleport was too late and he died. The magician was bankrupted by the lawsuit.
  • November 22nd - A guy shot a bunch of rocks in downtown L.A. Some people got shrapnel stuck in them. The guy said he was playing "Real Life Asteroids". Clearly psychotic.

1980s

1980

  • January 29th - A man heavily affected by a "power pellet" (slang for crack) ate four people within ten seconds. He then proceeded to eat a pretzel.
  • April 6th - A man was eaten by an alligator whole as he tried to swing across a swamp with a vine outside his rural Florida home. Found on the scene were only his skeletal remains and a whip.
  • April 24th - An exterminator using lasers to kill insects destroyed several gardens. The exterminator was forced to pay to fix all damage done, and lost his exterminator's license.
  • June 10th - Large numbers of ICBMs were launched at the moon. The combined blast radius of the missiles was large enough to fully destroy six cities.
  • Also June 10th - A firefighter was arrested for extreme carelessness and negligence when he failed to rescue trapped citizens in a burning building. The firefighter moved his trampoline randomly because he didn't know how far the victims were going to jump out of the window.

1981

  • June 13th - 34 year old man found beaten to death in an alleyway. Eyewitness claims that the ghosts did it. The only piece of evidence collected was a pink bow.
  • October 29th - An eight-year-old child in Brooklyn kidnapped a woman and crushed three rescue workers to death with barrels.
  • November 18th - Three men were arrested for cruelty to animals after running over dozens of frogs with a car.

1982

Qbertpottymouth

Feb 29th: The perp's official statement to police

  • January 8th - An explosion heard coming from underneath Flagstaff turned out to be caused by an attacker pumping explosive gases into a victim's stomach. The man was identified as Doug Digg, and the one that got killed wasn't identified. Doug was charged with voluntary manslaughter and was sentenced to five years in Riker's Island.
  • January 14th - A man riding atop an ostrich used a lance to kill two people and injure ten more.
  • February 29th - A young orange man was arrested for vandalism for changing the color of a nearby pyramid from blue to yellow. He avoided the pyramid's security guard, known to family and friends as "Coily." He was later turned into the police by his best friends, Slick and Sam, and when questioned, his only response was "@!#?@!"
  • October 13th - On Columbus Day, a white man, who was entirely nude except for a giant blue cowboy hat, trespassed the Lakota Reservation in North Dakota and attempted rape on a young Native American woman. Before he could rape her, however, he was neutralized by the tribal police with hails of arrows as he was walking towards her.

1983

1984

  • April 23rd - A man equips his dune buggy with horizontal and vertical rocket launchers and proceeds to shoot down light aircraft and large boulders before crashing into a giant pothole.
  • May 5 - 55 people at the EPCOT Center's Japanese pavilion are kicked to their deaths as a distraught kung fu master attempts to find his girlfriend.
  • August 3rd - Vandals caused damage to Mount Fuji by striking portions of the mountain with a hammer. Several polar bear and seal corpses were found laying about on the mountain.
  • December 20th - Anyone who wasn't subscribed to a popular newspaper found their home marked with comments such as "Get lost". This was the beginning of the Non-subscriber genocide of 1984.
  • Big Brother got condemned for unorthodoxy by the thought police because he killed some members of the ministry of truth with a laser gun.
  • Long-dead martial arts icon Bruce Lee was seen in China stealing paper lanterns while being chased by ninjas and large, green sumo wrestlers. Several people witnessed the deceased legend killing the sumo wrestlers and ninjas with stunning kicks to the head, or by knocking them into flaming lanterns and electrified spikes.

1985

Vgcrime1

Oh, the humanity!

  • May 5th - Several vandals played a game of Tetris on the wall of a grocery store. The game, represented by graffiti, was modified rapidly using the expertise of the long-time artists. At the end of the game, the vandals left a note stating "Fuck the L piece".
  • August 5th - An Italian man, believed to be a habitual user of hallucinogenic mushrooms, crushed several people and turtles to death by jumping on them.
  • September 8th - The first video game related shooting occurred when a hunter, embarrassed that he missed with several consecutive shots, drove around town shooting any dog that he saw. The obviously insane man swore that he heard the dogs laughing at him. Fortunately the dogs, being utterly impervious to damage, were not harmed.
  • November 12th - A man who was frustrated by a maze he could not complete destroyed various walls of the maze using bombs.
  • November 23rd - A kidnapper who starved his victims confessed by announcing, "Wizard needs food badly!"
  • November 25th - A plumber (aged 35) is found dead in his apartment by his younger brother, also a plumber (aged 32). The victim seemed to have somehow wedged his head in the opening of a green pipe that had been protruding from the floor in said victim's bathroom. His girlfriend, a princess, was devastated. She's since taken up with the victim's brother.
  • December 22nd - A Wal-Mart shoplifter was arrested when the store's manager noticed that a dog was bringing products to a man just outside the shop.

1986

  • January 5th - A man dressed in a green suit, bearing a striking resemblance to the man arrested the previous year, begins a crime spree by breaking into various houses and inexplicably leaving without taking anything. He was said to have been followed by a midget who exclaimed "..but our princess is in another castle."
  • February 3rd - A woman who was being robbed by pirates defended herself by killing the pirates with missiles. The use of missiles was deemed excessive by the courts, but before her imprisonment she received a large bounty for killing the infamous pirates. The woman was found dead several weeks later after apparently attempting to blow a hole in the prison wall with an energy bomb.
  • March 1st - An arsonist burned down several trees inhabited by old men. While forced to pay for most of the burned trees, the arsonist profited from his crimes due to a few of the victims giving him money.
  • June 2nd - Two men start to fight endlessly in the street, giving each others blows to the head or to the stomach. Mrs. Smith, who lived in an apartment on the same block of the two fighters, said: "I couldn't stand anymore their endless fighting. So I got mad and started to throw flowerpots at them". When the police arrived on the scene, the two men claimed to be innocent. But as we all know, the police only arrests the guy who has received the most important beating.
  • October 28th - A man with a shotgun enters a haunted house and begins shooting at everything inside. When apprehended, he explained that he was trying to "empty the monster meter".
  • November 5th - A teenager opens fire killing several workers at a rodeo. After waiting a half an hour, he asks the arresting officers if he scored a "crack shot". A similar incident in Chicago, which authorities attribute to a copy cat crime, is supposedly linked to this incident in which a young teenager, who identified himself as "Hogan", opens fire on several homeless men in an alleyway.
  • It is during this year that Cliffy B starts to take an interest in video games.

1987

  • April 19th - Two men were arrested in New York on various assault charges, linked to illegal vigilante action. The assailants were beating people in Chinatown at random with bare hands. During interrogation, they claimed to be on a mission "to rescue Marian", who remains unidentified.
  • June 13th - A man was beaten to death by three men: one thief, one black belt, and one fighter. The victim fought back, but the three assailants were healed by a fourth accomplice known as a white mage.
  • August 17th - Several factories using robots as labor were shut down when the robots were stolen. The burglaries were rumored to be caused by a disgruntled employee who was laid off in favor of robots, but they were actually caused by another robot simply stealing parts from the robots and attaching them to itself.
  • June 11th - Cpl. Lance Bean, a special forces soldier operating off the New Zealand coast, was lucky to survive being shot to death 29 times by an illegal alien know only as "The Red Falcon"
  • July 9th - A soldier snuck into a police station with intent to kill every officer. However, he was arrested before harming anyone, because he assumed that nobody noticed him since there were no exclamation points above their heads.
  • August 13th - Maracaibo, Venezuela is sacked by an unidentified ENGLISH BUCCANEER and several dozen PLEASED accomplices. Reports that "The Silver Train is in town!!!" are unconfirmed.

1988

  • March 27th - A farmer who was enraged that he lost a giant vegetable competition threw the large radish he grew at the judge, crushing him to death. He then picked up the contest's winner and threw him at a spectator, seriously injuring both.
  • May 4th - A man dressed as a ninja was arrested for vandalism after cutting down several light posts, claiming they contained magic potions. When his home was searched, several exploded dogs were found.
  • June 22nd - Ozzy Osbourne ate his recording agent's pet hamster. No charges were brought against him, though PETA staged a campaign outside his LA mansion.
  • November 8th - Hundreds of midgets die after they are forced to jump off a cliff with nothing but five umbrellas. The survivors are later crushed by shovels.

1989

  • January 4th - A teen uses a trash can to murder several classmates and took their money. Before being bludgeoned, one victim asks if they're having fun yet. Another barfs.
  • January 23rd - A series of mines were planted in a corn field in Iowa. The amount of corn planted in an acre indicated how many mines were in adjacent acres.
  • March 13th - Several die after somebody set up them the bomb. They had no chance to survive, and as such were instructed to make their time.
  • March 20th - Several mayors are busted in corruption rings for rampant and indiscriminant use of demolition tools for urban planning purposes. Many more were released for incompetence when they complained that zones only came in 3x3 blocks. Researchers found high correlations between cities' financial success and occurrence of earthquakes, but scientific theories failed to explain this.
  • May 9th - A man was charged with homicide after beating over a dozen men wearing identical clothing to death, later claiming that they worked for a "mad gear." He also admitted to eating food out of garbage cans in the hopes of "restoring his health."
  • July 7th - The President is kidnapped by ninja, though he is quickly recovered by a government faction codenamed "Bad Dudes."

1990s

1990

  • February 20th - People are disgusted as a man clad in a loincloth and carrying a plastic sword ran around a farmland eating the heads off any rams that were yellow. When arrested, he began to tell everyone about his adventures.
  • April 16th - A woman was mugged by a man who threw a turtle shell at her, causing her to pass out.
  • August 5th - A man was arrested for disorderly conduct when he approached random people on the streets of Miami, brandished a sword, and hurled various insults at them.
  • November 17th - Two men are arrested for vandalism when caught beating on various soda machines in order to get a drink.
  • December 1st - A man claiming to part of the 23rd Wolfpack regiment of one of the inner system clans leveled an entire town using his PPC - He however escaped punishment by using his jumpjets.
  • December 31st - A man in a blue-tinted hedgehog costume set the Guinness World Record for Most Speeding Tickets in Twelve Hours after receiving 250 while cutting through traffic. Occasionally, he would make his car do a rolling leap over other cars, crushing anything beneath it when it landed. No people or animals were harmed, but many robots with animals trapped inside them were destroyed.
  • 7 young men dressed in racing suits (some wearing Garfield masks under the helmets) are arrested for trespassing, breaking and entering, vandalism, theft, damages, and copywright infringement after taking an abandoned airstrip, stenciling "S.S. Tiger's Claw", "KIS Bhantkara" and other such names on the sides of hangers, flying off in cropdusters, outfitted with rifles and shotguns, and shooting at the hangers and each other. No one was injured as they had parachutes, but all where charged and given a fine of over 500,000,000 (most of which demanded by George Lucas).

1991

  • January 4th - A heavy-set construction worker operating a wrecking ball was killed after a boy jumped on his head eight times. When asked why he did this, the boy responded, "He was going to steal the emeralds, and that's no good!"
  • January 11th - A failed assassination attempt on Saddam Hussein leads to public knowledge of the UN's Operations Group Echo: Black Ops 9. In an attempt to remove their sudden image as hypocrites, Operations Group Echo was replaced by the Global Defense Initiative on October 12th four years later.
  • March 7th - A man was killed when another man fell at him from a high distance with a cape.
  • March 20th - A man wearing shades ran through several labs throwing a boomerang at everything around him. When caught by the police, he asked if they had seen any agents holding ID cards.
  • April 16th - A bald man ran around headbutting everyone while stealing and devouring fruit and vegetables along his wake. He was found dead after landing headfirst into the street while attempting to headbutt someone from above. 13 people were hospitalized with concussions.
  • June 14th - Two men were killed when one ran into the other at an insanely high speed in shoes that were Red, and had a white stripe on them.
  • July 21nd - Tragedy struck when an insane man pretending to be a soldier snuck into and ran around within an office tower in Germany, firing a chaingun at anyone who moved and demanding to know where Hitler was. 64 people were killed and 12 were hospitalized. He reached the 13th floor before being shot to death by the SWAT team.
  • August 12th - Dozens of children over the world injured their peers while attempting a "sheng long" dragon punch.
  • September 30th - A man wearing a red cap was arrested for murder after knocking a crime boss off the top floor of an office tower.
  • October 20th - The city adviser is arrested for assaulting the mayor over the city's frequent traffic jams and the mayors poor implementation of his mass transit system.
  • A boy is arrested for vandalism after viciously breaking open several dozen large packing barrels with a hammer. When interrogated he replied, quote "to beat level eight."
  • An 11-year-old child wearing a purple shirt, blue jeans, red converse sneakers, and a damaged Green Bay helmet was found with a pogo stick, bouncing on slugs, flies, and mushrooms. He was arrested for animal cruelty.

1992

  • January 13th - Four vigilantes embark on a rampage, slaughtering a bartender, a hippie with a jetpack, a man with the world's longest fingernails, a pro wrestler, a boxer and two robots, before murdering a crime lord so they could get to the brains of their operation - a black guy wearing yellow. None have been apprehended.
  • On March 17th, Saint Patrick's Day, a murderous teenager wearing green killed seven students not wearing any green. The murders were performed using a sword modified to launch glow-sticks.
  • April 27th - A high school student ate his principal. He then put on the principal's clothes and ran around school attempting to punish students. In his trial, he claimed that he had authority to do this because he "copied the principal's powers".
  • May 5th - The US government puts a ban on harpoon sales, trying to eliminate the new trend amongst school kids where they would throw harpoons tied to a rope to each other and then asking rudely to "get over here!".
  • June 19th - A mad scientist builds a time machine and kidnaps eight people from different time periods, then forces them to fight each other.
  • July 6th - One person was killed and two dozen were injured after a litterer left a banana peel on a high-traffic road.
  • September 6th - A man in New York was taken to a psychiatric ward after attempting to deposit exotic spices in a bank.
  • November 17th - A man kidnaps a karate expert's sister and tries to get him to fight several people. The man was apprehended before his plan could go underway.
  • Dec. 1st - A 32-year old Chicago man broke into a factory to steal toys for Bob, accidentally releasing concentrated Juffo-Wup into the area water system in the process. The substance filled in residents' fibers causing them to grow turgid; violent action ensued.
  • Dec. 7th - In a related incident, Commander David Walker of the space shuttle Discovery --screaming "*GO!*" "*GO!*" -- threw astronauts Robert Cabana and Guion Bluford off the ship. Using jetpacks, Cabana and Bluford traveled to Mir and "*danced*" the space station, killing several "*sad animals*" before being "*frumpled*".

1993

  • February 10th - During a motorcycle race through a small part of the country, one of the bikers attacked a fellow participant with a baseball bat, knocking him off his bike and critically injuring him. The attacker was arrested some time later by a policeman after he was run over by a car.
  • March 1st - A Harrier test pilot destroys a large display screen with the plane's machine gun when the camera displayed the palm of a control tower operator. No one was injured, but the pilot was fined for damaging the display screen.
  • April 22 - A man in a green outfit is seen sprinting at insane speeds, armed with a shotgun. Upon sighting a black man shooting hoops, the felon discharged his gun, killing the basketball player. He was later apprehended while jogging across a concrete wall and grunting. Upon being questioned about the murder, the man replied; "The ones with the brown skin that throw orange balls can be killed with a single shotgun shell. No use wasting cells on them."
  • August 6th - After being expelled from his own home, a young man, accompanied by a young woman and a longhaired midget went on a rampage, destroying worlds largest fruit salad made by the local midget club, killing a pet tiger, a lizard, a large man wearing red, and knocking down a wall. After a failed attempt of the police to stop the suspects using a tin robot and a robot dragon, the suspects fled the country by shooting themselves from a gigantic cannon. They were last seen in the Canadian forests heading northwest, and are still unaccounted for today.
  • September 10th - Two bodybuilders in thongs were found dead, having drilled large holes into their heads. The police ruled it out as a suicide. A blue-haired man and a green-haired woman explained that they were talking about shooting lasers from their heads prior to their deaths.
  • September 21st - A monk and a karateka are arrested for beating up a pair of senior citizens. Five other people were also later arrested for fighting one another, all of them claiming that the battle was for a clan leadership.
  • October 20th - Followed by a raccoon, a woman dressed as a shrine priestess ran around the city while throwing cards at people and occasionally attacked them with a stick. Fortunately, no one was seriously harmed.
  • November 11th - With the release of "DumbGood", the final reGame of the season, two children entered a state of extreme frenzy after just seeing a copy in a shop window. Their mother, trying to inflict some sense into their heads, opened them with pliers and barked some military words. The effect was disastrous: the children became giant tortoises armed with blowtorches and nukelar (not nuclear, you infidels!) weapons! After leveling the entire Los Angeles Metropolitan Area, the two demigods went into heaven for a Eon of peace and fraternity. (What?)

This is not a crime, per se, but the military refrained from commenting on the incident, the judges refuse to even notice the existence of the entities, and the mother said they were adopted and came with malfunctions.

  • Two young men were arrested for disorderly conduct outside a two-story building. Eyewitnesses reported one individual "jumping around and running into walls", the other attempting to shoot at the building's elevator buttons with a homemade bow. Tragically, a third person, apparently coming to the aid of his friends, died after jumping from the top of the building using an antique shield as a parachute.

1994

  • January 23rd - One of the largest ever jewelry heists occurred, resulting in the theft of countless solid gold rings and seven multi-colored jewels. In addition, a morbidly obese professor attempts to build a replica of the Death Star but is apprehended by copyright lawyers.
  • January 28th - The body of an unidentified Detroit man in a jester costume was spotted in a local junkyard being dragged off by a squirrel. A mime suspected in the slaying is still unaccounted for.
  • April 17th - Several soldiers in the US Army were found guilty of war crimes after killing Serbian citizens suspected of being orcs.
  • July 25th - An insane man was sentenced to death after moving the tectonic plates, causing a major reshaping of Earth's landmass.
  • August - Street Fighter: The Movie is released, killing actor Raul Julia.
  • October 10th - The man in green, having escaped from prison after killing a black man one year earlier, managed to acquire a double-barreled shotgun and a backpack capable of holding 100 shotgun shells. The man then went on yet another shooting spree, specifically targeting anyone who either had green hair, was bald and wore black, or was bald and overweight. He was killed with a shot to the neck by a SWAT sniper when the man stopped to press a wall with a graffiti of a skull painted on it.
  • October 16th - A repeat incident of Sept. 21 occurred when the same 8 individuals and 5 others were beating each other up all over an island. One of them was a child, who died at the age of 6. His last words were "I can turn into a dog!" Other victims include some old people and an Arabian man who claimed he had a genie in his electric lamp.
  • October 21st - A man was arrested after launching a monkey out of a cannon shaped like a barrel.
  • November 11th- A man is arrested after launching a cow into orbit using a refrigerator and a crude catapult. No evidence detailing if he was working with the man who shot a monkey out of a barrel one month earlier was ever found.
  • A child wearing a blue backpack, orange cufflinks, and a red bandanna was taken into custody after shooting turtles with a blue gun. The child was found carrying dozens of "bouncy bullets," two blue bouncy balls taped together, as well as several carrots.
  • November 20th - Several people dressed as samurais fight each other in several remote locations, each of them brandishing swords. 5 were found dead and 3 had serious injuries. The only unknown suspect was a man dressed in black from head to toe who was watching each battle.
  • December 8th - In a bizarre report, several pigs wearing army attire wielded rifles and began shooting at each other. As if that wasn't odd enough, they also spoke in painfully fake accents.

1995

  • March - A former Air Force pilot was arrested after causing billions of dollars of property damage across northern Germany with a stolen F-15.
  • June 15th - A teenage boy is charged with kidnapping the daughter of a public figure and sentenced to execution. The boy escapes from prison before the sentence can be carried out. It is later discovered that terrorists had kidnapped and impersonated the prosecutor in order to generate antipathy toward the government. A retrial finds the boy not guilty.
  • August 31st - A gang spanning all of Europe, known as "GDI" and known for wearing gold-colored military uniforms, began a 2-year conflict with a gang in control of Africa, called "Nod" and known for their urban camouflage and bald leader.
  • September 17th - A man in possession of a modified ice cream truck outfitted his machine with anti-vehicle weapons and ran amuck, shooting other cars driving around the area and killing many civilians in the process. Large amount of collateral damage ensured.
  • December 1st - Several children suffocate after attempting to mail themselves to foreign lands after simply climbing in a cardboard box on a truck, checking the destination and putting correct postage on the side.
  • December 21st - A terrorist attempting to destroy the planet's major cities using nuclear bombs was easily thwarted because he refused to launch the weapons before 1999.
  • December 30th - A teenager on vacation killed three people by hitting them with a baseball bat. The teen was outraged over the mediocre SHIT served at the town he was staying in, and his excessive homesickness caused him to go insane.
  • Police suspect gang violence when 4 teenagers are found dead and 2 severely injured after trespassing into a construction sight and hijacking 2 bulldozers, 3 backhoes, and a crane, all mounted with pistols and shotguns. The survivors stated that they where defending their "Wolf Clan" from a rival gang called "The Jade Falcons".
  • A safe haven for former Russian soldiers, Outer Heaven, is destroyed when a man (later identified as Solid Snake) infiltrates, frees a highly-dangerous prisoner, assassinates the head of government and destroys their TX-55 candy machine.

1996

  • March 1st - Several owners of pets who died due to starvation were arrested for cruelty to animals. The owners unsuccessfully defended themselves on the grounds that they'd just reset the pets whenever they stopped being bored with them.
  • April 23rd - A large man, a black man, and a scantily-clad woman run around a country and attack people, and slaughtered a number of cows. When finally caught by police and questioned on why they had done it, the large man only said, "I'm no milkmaid." The black man remarked they were looking for the king's son.
  • June 2nd - A man launched a rampage at a Dallas zoo, armed with rocket-launchers, and slaughtered all the bears and canines. In addition, he is responsible the axe-murdering of twenty zoo personnel. The killer was reported to have claimed that lightning was emanating from the bears, and was heard to have been muttering something about "the ziggurat" and "stay[ing] away from the water". The man was also reported to be attracted to anything resembling a pentagram. At the end of the rampage, the man committed suicide by shooting his own feet, presumably to reach a "Q" on a sign high above.
  • June 20th - A man dressed as a Civil War-era cowboy was arrested after going on a shooting spree targeting mimes performing at a local carnival. When questioned, he was concerned about locating someone he referred to as "Jojo".
  • June 23rd - With the release of the limited editions of Spy vs. Spy and 3 Stooges, an outbreak of people having pianos dropped on them, being rolled over by steamrollers, and other bizarre incidents occurs. The next panel day however, the victims were inexplicably unharmed.
  • September 14th - A British woman was apprehended by international police in Nicaragua after breaking and entering a Mayan archaeological site and gunning down archaeologists and animals alike in order to pilfer valuable archaeological items. She was later absolved of all charges at an international tribunal for unknown reasons, highly rumored to be sexual in nature.
  • October 20th - Police captures a man under the influence of steroids. Soon thereafter, the man broke out of prison and murdered everyone in it except for the babes. Police were unable to recapture that man again, however, as they have been mutated into pigs.
  • Dec 1st - Two teens proceeded to break into a Russian nerve gas facility, then proceeded to blow it up, however one was lost in the explosion. Several years later, after the first teenager had killed many innocents using 2xGold PP7 cheat, was reunited with the other, and eventually dueled to the death in a large radar dish. This was repeated three times by the same pair.

1997

  • February 4th - A man shot down a stunt plane attempting a barrel roll, under the presumption that it would be invincible.
  • June 1st - Six people are arrested in Ireland for spray painting over 50 ostriches with yellow shades. The arrested group said they intended to pioneer a new kind of racing featuring painted ostriches.
  • August 27th - A man with a sword dismembered a farmer working the fields, who later passed away in the hospital. The assailant claims it was an accident and that he was simply looking for "money, Deku seeds and magic potion" among the weeds.
  • August 28th - A young boy, approximately 11 years of age, was found dead, covered in chicken feathers, with a bloody sword and shield near him. The police were baffled, as the man in green which had killed the farmer the previous day was apparently this boy. The murderer's murderer escaped with no clues as to the identity of the culprit.
  • August 29th - The entire village of Kakariko and a transsexual ninja were slaughtered by a swarm of bloodthirsty, invincible chickens. Swords, arrows, bombs, boomerangs, and even fairies left them unfazed. After killing everyone, they became docile once again, until a military task force attempted to kill them. They then made millions of other chickens teleport from nowhere and murdered the task force.
  • October 1st - A mother of two was imprisoned after killing her children by feeding them with poisonous red mushrooms. The woman claimed her children were suffering from stunted growth, and she believed the mushrooms would incite physical development. For unknown reasons, the woman tried to stuff green mushrooms down her children's throats during a visit to see their corpses at the morgue. She is now in a psychiatric institute in solitary confinement.
  • November 12th - Aeris dies

1998

  • May 13th - Laboratory mice modified to generate electricity are responsible for the shocking deaths of hundreds of people.
  • June 30th - A man surgically grafted a blue backpack to a grizzly bear and stuffed a red bird into it. He then sent them out into the wilderness to "Defeat the witch." He was arrested for animal cruelty.
  • February 2nd - A young man of Asian heritage, and a female with red hair are arrested for the alleged killing of god. A third man having a tanned face and long white hair is also believed to be involved in the incident, but remains unaccounted for.
  • July 6th - Similarly, mice were used as carriers for bombs in an attack on the White House.
  • September 30th - A teenage boy was arrested inside of a circus after bludgeoning several clowns to death with a wrench. The conviction was made entirely on reports from the crowd, due to the ringmaster's subsequent strapping of himself with dynamite and unsuccessfully trying to blow up a train.
  • September 30th - A renegade husky musher destroys and infiltrates a US nuclear disposal facility and a giant walking battle tank disappears into the wilderness. He has also reportedly killed a fuckton of soldiers who he believes are clones processed through gene therapy.
  • November 12th - Two former police officers are charged with "Illegal use of government funding" when they break into a spooky mansion and slay hordes of zombies. The two are later released due to insufficient evidence remaining at the scene, because of an automated self destruct.
  • November 19th to November 21st - An MIT graduate, employed by a research facility in New Mexico, goes insane and slays hundreds of friendly aliens stationed in the facility. Oddly enough, this unwarranted killing of friendly aliens is condoned by fellow security guards and science team members; they also condoned the graduate's killing of Marines sent to stop him, causing the Marines to fire on anyone they found. The conflict came to a climax when a nuclear bomb was set within the facility while the criminal teleported to a place described by survivor Barney Calhoun as "totally fucked up, man." The criminal disappeared without a trace shortly before the warhead was detonated, leveling the facility and "pwning" anyone still in it.
  • December 25th - A group of rednecks destroyed a small construction firm, killing hundreds. A paper left at the scene claims that the firm was infested and that if they had not destroyed it, the whole city could have become overrun. They are currently hiding out with a group of outlaws.

1999

  • March 25th - A crackdown on an illegal series of tournaments began that invited teams of three people to beat each other senseless. Among the suspected participants are a psychic, two mercenaries, a karate guy in orange clothes, and a man who resembles Elvis.
  • April 8th - A giant porcupine was sentenced to life in prison after attempting to destroy the world. Witnesses say the beast came from under the ground and started shooting fire everywhere. The destruction of Earth would have likely occurred had it not been for a teenager with spiky hair, a well-coiffed prehistoric bull-dyke, and a talking frog who subdued the monster.
  • July 11 - A man goes insane and watches Superman IV after once again failing to fly through all the rings.
  • August 27th - A bald man was found dead at a construction site. A witness claimed he saw the man proclaiming that the sun had risen before being stabbed through the torso with a metal beam; oddly enough, police found the end of the beam used was sharpened like a sword. Whether the killing was an accident or intentional has yet to be discovered, as is what the hell the witness flew off in afterwards.
  • September 25th - A rash of burglaries in towns around the world occurred; victims claimed that a group of ragtag adventurers, including a pale white girl, a king with an automatic crossbow, a scary crimson-clad mime (Or possibly Adlai Stevenson), and a mullet-clad guy wearing claws just walked into their house and started taking their stuff. In addition, the perpetrators also tried to stand on blue lights in order, according to the victims, to "save before they fight Kefka." Also, the party is wanted for breaking animal import laws, as they are in possession of both a sasquatch and a strange white bear.
  • October 6th - Several theme parks sprang up during the year, and were subsequently closed down for health reasons after park-goers discovered that the rides were extremely dangerous and poorly maintained, the pay-bathrooms charged too much for entry, and the food stands in the lines before the roller coasters was deemed "barely edible" by inspectors. The park owner was later arrested under suspicion of rigging the rafts of the water slide with explosives.
  • November 7th - Hell suffered serious damages when a demon goddess got bored and held a tournament, involving a dominatrix, a hillbilly, and a midget with stilts among other suspects. The reporters refused to publish the story on the event for fear it would "ruin their public image."
  • November 26th - A score of miners were found dead when it was discovered that to channel aggression, the boss granted permission for the miners to beat the shit out of each other with pneumatic pistons used for the mining operation. Some were able to find weapons within the mine; two such weapons were a shotgun with an attached grenade launcher and a pistol modified to launch globs of a hazardous green substance - those who found such weapons were immediately labeled "n00bs" and were teamed up on
  • December 4th - A man driving a streamroller proceeded to run over several civilians, and started to punch it furiously in an attempt to make it explode. Unfortunately for him, the cops took him away quite easily while he was busy beating the thing up.

2000s (The Dark Ages)

  • Numerous times during the naughts, video games inspired one man named Uwe Boll to create a series of criminal movies based on them, he has not been captured to this day and continues to offend.

2000

  • January 18th - A small cluster of schools send their top students to fight each other to discover the mystery of some "missing students". The missing students in question were actually just a few kids who skipped school.
  • May 9th - A group of terrorists took several people hostage inside a Chicago factory. A SWAT team infiltrated the building and threw several hand grenades into the hostage room, killing all of the hostages and terrorists. The rescue was considered a success.
  • October 10th - During a fighting tournament between 2 rival companies, 7 of 25 participles were arrested for ruining the construction of a dojo. When they were questioned, a blond-haired red-outfitted fighter asked if they felt the power of his Shinryuken.
  • October 20th - A murderous architect built doorless rooms with people already inside, then set them on fire. He later admitted to selling their gravestones and urns for the profit.
  • December 31st - Dozens of policemen in Nevada are brutally bludgeoned by silent men in orange suits wielding crowbars.

2001

  • March 22nd- The renegade musher from an incident in 1998 infiltrates a tanker near Manhattan Island, in New York; about the same time, characters straight from a Tom Clancy novel also infiltrate. The musher takes photographs of a mechanical manta ray; shortly after, even though Revolver Ocelot was on the scene and detonated Semtex explosives throughout the tanker, the musher was blamed for the destruction, though he was confirmed dead shortly after.
  • April 29th- A flamboyantly gay man infiltrates a massive oil cleanup facility constructed over the tanker's wreckage. While initially armed with only a tranquilizer gun, a Navy SEAL gives him a real firearm shortly after; in the resulting carnage, a black bomb-disposal expert, an aquaphobiac, a Russian who believed herself to be a ninja, a fat bomb maker, a woman with a railgun, a clone of Big Boss, and the entire cast of a Tom Clancy novel were confirmed to be dead. In a somewhat related report, the man responsible for sinking the tanker in the first place was confirmed to actually not be dead; it was also confirmed he didn't know shit about the Navy SEALs, the Marine Corps, or the British SAS.
  • July 9th - A very large "crossover crime" occurred when a man threw fireballs at a fox who fired lasers back. Both were severely injured by an elf who powerfully shot arrows at both. All three were soon after killed by a surprise acid flood, which completely destroyed everything in the area except a single balloon. The balloon was declared the winner of the fight, then resisted arrest by repeatedly floating into the air, turning into a brick and crushing everything below it. This continued until a yellow rodent electrocuted it with a lightning bolt from the ground.
  • July 19th - Rioting occurs in major cities as it is discovered the government's grain stockpile was contaminated. The health secretary issued a denial immediately, but many who ate the grain reported seeing, "Walking Trees", "Talking Pandas" and "Floating Hands". The Demon Hordes deny any involvement.
  • July 23rd - A man in a leather coat burst into a bar with a handgun in either hand and shot everyone inside to death, while diving around and occasionally slowing down time to show off his moves. A woman who saw him escape said he had a "permanent, constipated grimace" on his face and constantly spewed metaphors as if he were reciting a story. He was later arrested and sentenced to 52 years in prison, even though all the victims had criminal backgrounds.
  • October 22nd - The city of New York is terrorized for many weeks by a crazy Mexican bitch, reported by one survivor to dump old boyfriends by shooting them. One such dumped boyfriend, a mute, did not take this kindly and traversed three islands of New York attempting to get back at her. After she took his new girlfriend hostage, he reportedly shot her stolen helicopter out of the sky with a stolen M-72 LAW. He then rescued his new girlfriend only to shoot and kill her seconds later.
  • November 1st - A column of soldiers were killed with a single cannonball fired by an unknown mass-murderer wearing blue jeans, red sneakers and a white t-shirt with a serious-faced bomb logo.
  • Young Japanese boy fled his Native Japan for HK after allegedly having gay sex with several men while still underage. Witnesses report that he was often found around the docks asking for sailors.

2002

  • February 10th - A man was arrested for assaulting a bathroom attendant. Several other restaurant patrons and employees reported seeing the man visit the bathroom in excess of 5 times during the meal. The suspect allegedly called the attendant a "campy bitch" prior to striking him several times in the head with the butt of a pepper grinder.
  • August 27th - US Navy SEALs teams Able and Bravo successfully rescue a US ambassador and his wife after tossing a flashbang into the rooms they were being held in. After randomly shooting into the rooms and killing their captors, the two hostages were gunned down by Specter and Jester because they "Had no style."
  • September 4th - A student was arrested, charged of property destruction, after intentionally flooding a huge sportsdome with water.
  • September 15th - An unidentified man is apprehended for running aimlessly throughout the forest, mercilessly beating unsuspecting campers with a net and digging holes (which he referred to as "pitfalls") in which his victims would become ensnared. However, he escaped before police could take him into custody. He was last seen clamoring onto the back of a moving train, and his whereabouts are currently unknown. Fortunately only minor injuries were incurred, although Limberg did lament that the suspect never returned Cheri's Game Boy.
  • December 2nd - A man in a loud shirt was seen flying a helicopter real low in Miami beach and slashed hundreds of unaware sunbathers and tourists with its heli blades. The bodies mysteriously disappeared shortly after as the beach continues to function normally. Unsurprisingly, The Miami Police Department denied such a bizarre incident has taken place.
  • December 13th - A man inside a machine gun-equipped Miami Police Department Boat killed 212 unaware pedestrians, injured 302 others, and blew up 83 cars during a 2-hour massacre in a busy Miami street. He was reported earlier to have stolen the boat from a patrolling Coast Guard, stranded it on South Beach, then proceed to drag it all the way to the street. The bodies mysteriously disappeared shortly after as the street continues to function normally. Unsurprisingly, the Miami Police Department denied such an incident has taken place.

2003

  • March 26th - A sailor who claimed to have spent 80% of his life sailing (most people agree that this is an exaggeration) was drowned. A man dressed as a fish had pushed him off the ship, and the wind pushed it away. The United States government immediately banned sailing when there's wind.
  • March 30 - The middle eastern nation of Iraq was illegally invaded after a 37 hour marathon session of Command and Conquer at a LAN party in the White House basement. George "-->duBBya<--" Bush and Tony "KiLLa bEE" Blair decided that the game just wasn't "real enough" and wanted to Command and Conquer in real life. Bush and Blair later confessed that at the time they were just too amped on Mountain Dew to think straight.
  • July 25th - The movie Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life was released.
  • August 26th - All contestants of an international martial arts tournament unanimously agreed to reject participation and launched a game of beach ball instead. The hosts of the tournament immediately warned legal steps to ensure compensation for the contract violation.
  • September 10th - Marilyn Manson was arrested for killing several people (an elf, a samurai, and a bondage queen) by beating them to death with tambourines. Asked about the deaths, Manson proceeded to remove the baby he was eating and "hissed very rudely", according to one reporter. A man with a large axe was also a suspect in this crime.
  • September 23rd - A young man was charged with misdemeanor when he drank a potion. There were no illegal substances inside the potion, but the referee decreed that it was against the rules for this combat. Later, another young man was arrested for attacking an enemy when the judge felt like making it illegal. Neither side made a move, as the completely ridiculous laws caused the leaders of both sides to go to jail
  • November 4th - The same perpetrators of the botched US ambassador rescue a year ago "accidentally" killed everyone inside the US embassy in Algeria. It was later found out Specter and Jester killed Wardog and Vandal too, but not before making identical clones.
  • December 23rd - A man from Vancouver in a dinosaur costume placed several hostages in giant plastic easter eggs, demanding a "Happy Tree". When apprehended, he tossed smaller eggs containing fireworks. When this tactic failed, he leapt into the air and dropped onto his assailants with devastating force. His assailants quickly rolled out of the way, leaving the man to suffer a fractured tailbone. Sadly, all hostages suffocated in their eggs.
  • A young adult was charged with mass murder when found running up walls, armed with a sword and a dagger, and accompanied with a young female, armed with a bow. When confronted, the subject stabbed two police officers in the stomach with the dagger, trying to "collect sand."

2004

  • February 17th - A shrine priestess, a witch, a maid, and a swordswoman run amuck through a small Japanese town firing bullets and knives at everyone around them before being apprehended and sentenced to an asylum.
  • April 29th - An unknown person steals a helicopter from military base and flies at the top of a skyscraper. He later said he did this "to get a superweapon from on top of that building". He didn't explain the details about using it.
  • September 14th - After a man had slaughtered the entire population of a small rural village in Wyoming, he was finally taken into custody by local police. During his trial, he claimed the village was calling him "Chicken Chaser", and that even though he admitted to killing hundreds of innocent people, he pleaded not guilty. Apparently he felt that he had fully redeemed himself by donating a large portion of money to the church, getting a new hairstyle, and eating several dozen blocks of tofu.
  • November 5th - Thousands of people suffocated after being stuck in a sphere full of random shit. The attacker was not found until detectives used a super-powerful microscope to discover him.
  • A mysterious stranger from beyond the stars initiates a reign of terror when he uses a small ball (as little as 1m in diameter) to slowly roll around the world, collecting larger and larger objects until nearly everything on earth is part of the ball. He then detonated the enormous ball, which he called a "katamari," and turned it into a star. Millions feared dead. The perpetrator was never apprehended.
  • A metal ring of gigantic proportions is built by an insane architect and launched into orbit. His assistant claimed that when the time comes, by crashing into Earth and destroying it, it will cure cancer (as no being will be able to contract it).
  • November 23rd - A man was arrested at a petting zoo in Georgia after bludgeoning the animals and skinning them. When handcuffed, the man claimed that he was merely "grinding" and spoke in incoherent acronyms and phrases such as "LL goes for 50s per stack in AH!" It was deemed he was under the influence of some highly addictive drug at the time.
  • November 29th- A similar crime takes place in which a man is found in a public zoo tranquillizing animals and keeping them until they rot in his backpack, only to be disposed of. When reached for comment, the man replied, "So how does it taste?"
  • December 14th- A man goes on a rampage, running into other people's homes and pushing them excessively after burning his Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Witnesses claim to have heard rants along the lines of "So Close to Platinum! I was so Close!"
  • December 20th - Pedophiles begin pushing the message that "Touching is good".
  • Astronauts nearly set off the metal ring built earlier in the year, but upon realizing its intended purpose, safely detonate it.

2005

  • January 11th - The President's daughter is kidnapped by strange cultists. She is subsequently tortured for 47 hours until the task force assigned to retrieve her arrives and shoots everyone in the head while repeating the mantra "THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE THE WEAKEST!" A diary was found nearby, written on a typewriter, covered in blood and villagers brains. Several herbs were found in the agent's possession, some green, some yellow, some red. When asked about the use of the herbs the delusional agent claimed "If I eat this shit I won't die!"
  • February - Solid Snake was tracked to an island off the coast of Alaska known as Shadow Moses, where he managed to repeat his crime of a decade earlier. Casualties included at least a thousand clones, most of the island's police force, the head of government, and the criminal Snake freed ten years prior. Collateral damage was originally thought to only include laser tripwires and the island's Candy Machine REX; footage from surveillance cameras later confirmed that said surveillance cameras were also destroyed.
  • February - A sudden spike in the number of deaths by heart attack were reported from Shadow Moses.
  • February 16th - A man dressed like a Japanese superhero ran through the town beating up several people. He was caught by the police while trying to attack them in "slow motion".
  • March 5th - A white-haired man wearing a red coat is tragically killed while jumping off of a building in the middle of a busy street. Before jumping to his death, the man left a note written, "Sweet, my brother just stabbed me in the stomach so I can Devil-Trigger!"
  • March 22nd - A policeman was arrested by his own colleagues for possessing a stockpile of LSD and crack in his garage, costing him his badge. When asked to explain why he had so much, he said he used them everyday so he could be able to "see who the baddies are" and "perform one-hit kills."
  • April 2nd - A thief was easily caught by people because he was in possession of a large sword. He said that he used that sword because it makes him look as tough as a spiny cactus.
  • April 21st- Terrorist suspect Lou Dobbs was arrested after he marched down the streets yelling "Viva la Revolution!" The police officers were illegal immigrants from Mexico.
  • June 8th - A bald man with infrared goggles glued to his face, claiming to be a space marine from the future, giving only the name "Cortez" (however based on his uniform it is suspected he was a Sargent), was arrested after breaking into the South Miami Cybernetic Research Lab and setting loose numerous laboratory animals, including 12 cyborg monkeys, 5 ninja monkeys, 9 zombie monkeys, and 844 regular monkeys.
  • June 21st - Several pilots at a US airbase are gunned down by a sniper, who claimed that he'd been "waiting for, like, forever" and that "those noob bitches kept stealing his jets". Despite video evidence and eyewitness testimony the sniper was allowed to stay in the army since only three people in the jury voted to discharge him.
  • June 23rd - In a nationwide crime-spree, millions of people across America have sex, inspired by a modified version of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
  • July 24th - Hillary Clinton began her murderous rampage after discovering a video game in which a character can have sex with a woman. 150 were killed before she was apprehended five days later.
  • August 17th - A Japanese man with a sword (pretending to be a samurai) ran around slashing at anyone that looked like a cowboy. The man claimed to be looking for his brother.
  • September 15th - A man wearing samurai clothes and reportedly wearing purple make up all over was slashing at people left and right with a bloody sword. He has not yet been caught. It is possible this had something to do with the incident on November 20, 1994, as he bore a similar appearance to one of the apprehended people.
  • October 11th - The same suspects that botched a rescue mission of the US ambassador and the slaughter of a US embassy launch an AT4 missile at CHA peacekeepers who reportedly "Wouldn't get off the fucking turret!" They have been decidedly apprehended, but not before they could "Pwninate some noobs."
  • October 21th - The movie Doom was released. There were no survivors.
  • November 1st - One man was injured after trying to prove to his friend that he can dodge a booby-trapped chest containing an arrow enchanted with a "Magic Missile". After missing his "Saving Throw", the arrow caught him square in the shoulder. No one else was apprehended, since the other person fled the scene using "Boots of Escaping".
  • November 8- A British man with Tourette Syndrome, An anorexic Goth Woman, The Egyptian Pharaoh, An Extremely Gay man, the Grim Reaper, and several others are all arrested after their stage moves caused several guitars to be launched into the audience, injuring several people and killing one man.. When questioned, they all replied the same way- "We were trying to fill up the Star Power"
  • November 23 - The Crazy Frog video game. Anyone who came into contact with this game became retarded and died. The gamer's kryptonite was born into the world.
  • November 26 - Famed movie critic Roger Ebert publicly denounced video games in his newspaper column. Gamers put him on their top ten hit list.

2006

  • January 5 - Two young Canadian boys attempted to break the sound barrier with their Junkman-modified family sedans. The entire province of Quebec is destroyed in the process.
  • February 26th- A young woman wearing a pink dress was arrested after killing thousands of people when she was trying to break boyfriend out of jail. The S.W.A.T. team who finally captured her said she was very moody. An eye-witness said he thinks she was just on her period. The eye-witness was probably right.
  • March 17 - At 26pm on Monday two carjackers stole some shoes from a woman claiming to love cabbage soaked in vinegar. They were awarded two gummy bears each for destroying 87.9% of George W Bush's 1337th nose hair.
  • March 28 - Two TAS Defenders from the starport on Earth attacked a Drengin colony ship carri heading to colonize Mars. Since Mars is a Class 4 planet, the only reason one would colonize Mars would be to gain a foothold near Earth for possible invasion later. The pilots of the TAS Defenders and Admiral Alan Bradley were unavailable for comment.
  • Summer - A frizzy haired Scotsman named Andy Murray actually did half-decent at tennis tournament Wimbledon. Shocked fans flock to buy latest wave of tennis games...
  • May 5 - A mute black man with a modified magnum .55 was reported killing mercenaries in a high-tech laboratory. He was apprehended after found in a secret compartment with a dopefish.
  • May 25 - A demented man dressed as a grey Power Ranger with a yellow "T" painted over his face is sought in the shooting of local government scientist. When met with police resistance, the man was described as being able predict their moves. Many described the feeling of deja'vu during the incident at multiple times. No suspects have been arrested.
  • June 6 - A disaffected youth hacked into a CIA computer system in order to launch four ICBMs at the cities of Alexandria, Cairo, and Aswan. Seven million civilians died. The perpetrator was arrested. When asked why he did it, he said, "The Egyptians pwnd me in a Conquest Victory in Civilization IV, and I wanted to get revenge." Because of this incident, the Arab world rioted, burned copies of the game, put a death sentence out for Sid Meier, and generally caused chaos.
  • September 19th- A teen was apprehended after reportedly sticking a firecracker in a pile of dog shit and placing the improvised bomb near some brightly costumed paradegoers. When asked his reasons, he reportedly replied "I only need 36 more fangs for the gold pot!" Police are currently interrogating him to determine who his marijuana dealer is.
  • September 23rd- After the unveiling of some toy companies new toys, an ape, who is often confused with a donkey, kidnapped a prostitute. A plumber goes and kicks the ape's huge ass. The prostitute is arrested for prostitution. The plumber is is arrested for stealing the toy company's toys and abusing an animal. The donkey, err... I mean, the ape is killed because it is a "danger" to all ugly females.
  • November 28th- A man dressed in a dinosaur costume was arrested after kidnapping a baby, robbing people of their gold coins, and egging people.

2007

  • January 8th- A group of bandits wearing Mickey Mouse hats and calling themselves the Squeaks start raiding shipyards and hide the spoils inside of small dirt huts. They are apprehended by a vigilante glutton who had ninja stars.
  • January 26th- A man gets into a fight with a woman and ends up taking a dump on her face. as the lawsuit ends the man was forced to give her half his colon in settlement to the crime.
  • January 30th- That man dies of malnutrition forcing the woman to give it back.
  • March 22nd - A woman claiming to have "Azoth" commanded her dog to bite and attack a man while she kicked him repeatedly. She then promptly ran away to hide somewhere before the police could arrive and was not found since.
  • April 15th - A man in a pirate costume attacked a woman in her garden with a bottle of rum when she refused to help him crack a safe. The woman was knocked unconscious and later awoke in an unknown part of town. The man's whereabouts are unknown.
  • July 20th - A crazed man claiming he had the power of God in his right arm runs around beating up various people, screaming "You're not Alexander!" at his victims after attacking them.
  • September 18th - Twenty seven people were killed after a 'Darkmagedk' ran in to a crowded bank and repeatedly fired off bursts of strange energy. Stunned survivors called for the authorities to nerf Mages. As police arrived on the scene, Darkmagedk yelled 'kek kek kek' before escaping through a portal.
  • October 12th - Darkmagedk was found dead in an alleyway. Witnesses report seeing a transvestite throw a hammer at the victim, stunning him for approximately six seconds, before impaling him with a spear. One man tried to help, but the assailant climbed into a plastic bubble and vanished. The public is now calling for authorities to nerf ret.
  • November 31st - A 15 year old male stabbed 9 people, while wearing a hooded grey cloak. He stabbed his victims unexpectedly in the neck, with a switch-blade he had duct taped to his wrist.
  • December 2nd - The aforementioned 15 year old is found dead, having drowned in a puddle. Many farmers have identified the body as having disturbed them before, by jumping into piles of hay for no apparent reason.

2008

  • February 1- California bans cars from its coast after an incident consisting of 16 reckless drivers intentionally crashing into billboards, gateways, and themselves.
  • March 25th - Riot squads respond to a scene of exchanged mass murder when the field of a Dodgeball game became a bloody mess. The players began throwing the ball, rocks, vending machines, and napalm bombs at the opponents with the intent of making one team all collapse and die. The lone survivor credits his patented "Nuts Shot" for the victory.
  • Sept.7th- A young college student attempted to befriend members of another local campus by singing and dancing, but when he could not copy theit moves quickly enough, he bit, spat, charged, and struck at the alpha male until he amputated one of the male's arm and fled. After his apprehension, he claimed that he would "mate and go into the editor".
  • Dec 12th - A 25-year-old maths teacher was arrested when he was charged with the clawing to death of two of his 14-year-old students. His comments on the matter include that they were "So Zetta Slow", that "the world is garbage" and that the police officers were "zetta sons of digits" and "factoring hectopascals"

2009

  • May 26th- An east coast city is decimated when a courier goes postal, big time, and sets off a bomb that wipes out six city blocks. The man is reported to have gained the power of electricity and can now fuck you up by electrocuting your balls. Allegedly helped people suffering from disease, only to shock them in the balls shortly after.
  • June 11th - A high school student in Japan caused damages when he tried to jump into a wide-screen television on display in an electronics department, claiming he could do so with some sort of special power.

2010

  • Nyx comes down from the moon and turns everyone into an emo. Damn you, Nyx.

2014

  • June 12th- An elderly man claiming to be Solid Snake is arrested after infiltrating Iraq, Some fucking South American country, France, and your mom during his 'final mission'. He claimed to be saving the world from a man named Liquid Ocelot and the "Patriots", only to later escape and commit suicide in a cemetery.

2018

  • February 28- A group, naming themselves "Delphi" tried to shrink stingrays, create red and blue comets, mutilate a triforce, paint squid, make orange jello, make giant worms, and set spiders on fire to make a unstoppable disease called GUILT, only to be stopped by a doctor named Derek Stiles.
  • March 16- on a Florida beach a young girl carrying a large anchor with squeaky boots assaulted a man who persisted to shoot billiards at her, nearly 20 people were injured during this 'fight for the gears'.
  • March 18- A ninja wandered through Brooklyn carrying a large sword and was in search of someone named "the evil shogunate". He reportedly killed 25 people, 3 of which being police officers before being shot to death.

2101

  • War was beginning when CATS stole all your base after indulging in some retro gaming and being inspired by a title known as Zero Wing. Nobody had a chance to survive. Billions of innocent watchmakers were systematically executed when somebody set up them the bomb. Only one hope remained when a zig was moved for great justice. All your base are belong to them. You have no chance to survive make your time.

2277

  • February- Reports begin to be filed entailing of a lone adolescent teenager wearing a tattered blue jumpsuit, imprinted with large yellow numbers “1’0’1” on his back, is seen mindlessly walking around the Downtown Washington D.C. area.
  • April- A man showing resemblance to the one in previously file reports is seen wandering through the surrounding D.C. area, accompanied by a wild canine; when asked his purpose, he responded with the statement that he was “Retrieving [bottle] caps for Moriarty,” an unknown individual who is now wanted for additional questioning.
  • July- The same unknown individual is seen again, but now accompanied by an overly muscled human wearing a torn jumpsuit, resembling his own, but with the numbers “8’6” on the back. Reported individual has multiple modified weapons on his person; while the overly muscled man, who police theorize to have received high-level doses of steroids, has yet to be identified.
  • September- After being issued a warrant to investigate, officers are, on contact, fired upon by suspect from earlier reports, killing nearly ten armored officers. When the man was arrested, he gave the statement that “The Enclave wants to set us up the bomb!”; drugs known to the arrested as ‘Jet’ and ‘Mentats’ were found on person, police believe these to be new forms of Heroin and Ecstasy, respectively.

2300

  • Two teenagers and a berserk robot caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at a factory and laboratory. They later struck again at another factory, this time with one of the teenagers replaced by a middle aged man with long blue hair. Sadly, a key robot leader was killed in the second attack.

2457

  • Duke Nukem Forever is canceled for good.

2458

  • Captian Falcon is arrested due to destoying the the universe while boxing.

See also

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