Creepy guy who lives across the street

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{{VFH}}[[image:Creepyguyacrossthestreet.jpg|frame|right|This was taken with the ''old'' digital camera. As soon as I figure out how to use the new one, there's going to be a ''lot'' more detail.]]
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[[image:Creepyguyacrossthestreet.jpg|frame|right|This was taken with the ''old'' digital camera. As soon as I figure out how to use the new one, there's going to be a ''lot'' more detail.]]
 
Little definitive information is known about the '''creepy guy who lives across the street,''' other than his last name ("Walters"), and his general appearance - white, about 5'10", heavy-set, dark-haired, and generally unattractive. He purchased the small, two-bedroom home approximately ten weeks ago, and after having his belongings loaded in by professional movers, he has only been seen outside when getting his mail or mowing his [[lawn]]. He owns a Buick Regal, but ''has never been seen driving it.''
 
Little definitive information is known about the '''creepy guy who lives across the street,''' other than his last name ("Walters"), and his general appearance - white, about 5'10", heavy-set, dark-haired, and generally unattractive. He purchased the small, two-bedroom home approximately ten weeks ago, and after having his belongings loaded in by professional movers, he has only been seen outside when getting his mail or mowing his [[lawn]]. He owns a Buick Regal, but ''has never been seen driving it.''
   
 
==Significant Observations==
 
==Significant Observations==
 
[[Image:creepynun.png|220px|thumb|Sometimes the [[nun]] exits through the garage.]]
 
[[Image:creepynun.png|220px|thumb|Sometimes the [[nun]] exits through the garage.]]
Even casual observation reveals that the '''Creepy Guy''' leaves his large-screen [[television]] on essentially around the [[clock]]. It is difficult to determine what channel he has it tuned to because of the glass curtains covering his living-room window, but it appears to be one of the major 24-hour cable news channels, or possibly C-SPAN. (The volume is too low to hear from the sidewalk; attempts made with a stethoscope and a super low-impedance pinpoint-directional shotgun mike were less than successful.)
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Even casual observation reveals that the '''Creepy Guy''' leaves his large-screen [[television]] on essentially around the [[clock]]. It is difficult to determine what channel he has it tuned to because of the glass curtains covering his living-room window, but it appears to be one of the major 24-hour cable news channels, or possibly C-SPAN. (The volume is too low to hear from the sidewalk; attempts made with a stethoscope and a super low-impedance pinpoint-directional shotgun mic were less than successful.)
   
 
Lights are turned on and off in the '''Creepy Guy''''s house seemingly at [[Random Insanity|random]], or ''as if they were programmed in some way.'' One explanation for this may be that the '''Creepy Guy''' owns a remote lighting controller of some kind, and plays with the buttons when he gets bored.
 
Lights are turned on and off in the '''Creepy Guy''''s house seemingly at [[Random Insanity|random]], or ''as if they were programmed in some way.'' One explanation for this may be that the '''Creepy Guy''' owns a remote lighting controller of some kind, and plays with the buttons when he gets bored.
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How the '''Creepy Guy''' obtains groceries, general-purpose household items, and other supplies remains a [[mystery]]. While boxes are occasionally delivered, the number and size of the boxes appear to be insufficient volume-wise to feed one person, even assuming that all the boxes contain [[food]]stuffs. Moreover, the '''Creepy Guy''' does not sign for the boxes, ''even though he is always at home.'' Instead, he waits, and opens the door to retrieve them as soon as the UPS or FedEx driver leaves.
 
How the '''Creepy Guy''' obtains groceries, general-purpose household items, and other supplies remains a [[mystery]]. While boxes are occasionally delivered, the number and size of the boxes appear to be insufficient volume-wise to feed one person, even assuming that all the boxes contain [[food]]stuffs. Moreover, the '''Creepy Guy''' does not sign for the boxes, ''even though he is always at home.'' Instead, he waits, and opens the door to retrieve them as soon as the UPS or FedEx driver leaves.
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On occasion it seems that the '''Creepy Guy''' stares into your house uneasily while on the computer, before typing about it on a [[Uncyclopedia|website]] that appears, according to your binoculars, to have a potato in the left-hand corner.
   
 
==Facts==
 
==Facts==
[[image:Creepyguyvotesatan.jpg|220px|thumb|right|This sign was up for a while just before [[Democracy|Election Day]]. I don't know much about [[politics]], but it looked kind of suspicious, so I took a photo of it.]]
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[[image:bedroom.jpg|frame|right|A picture of the '''Creepy Guy's''' bedroom, after successfully breaking into his house. Of particular note is all the equipment. He then chased me out with a baseball bat and threatened to call the police. ''Weird''.]]
 
* The '''Creepy Guy''' purchased the house across the street for roughly $110,000.00, though the actual amount was probably less, since this was the asking price and not the final negotiated price. Since the '''Creepy Guy''''s source of income is unknown, it seems likely that he either telecommutes or maintains a home-based business, possibly an [[internet]]-based one. It is also possible that he has independent means, i.e., has inherited a large amount of [[money]], won the [[money]] somewhere, or obtained a large [[sue|legal settlement]]. <small>Sorry, now we're getting more into conjecture. ''See below.''</small>
 
* The '''Creepy Guy''' purchased the house across the street for roughly $110,000.00, though the actual amount was probably less, since this was the asking price and not the final negotiated price. Since the '''Creepy Guy''''s source of income is unknown, it seems likely that he either telecommutes or maintains a home-based business, possibly an [[internet]]-based one. It is also possible that he has independent means, i.e., has inherited a large amount of [[money]], won the [[money]] somewhere, or obtained a large [[sue|legal settlement]]. <small>Sorry, now we're getting more into conjecture. ''See below.''</small>
   
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==Future Plans==
 
==Future Plans==
   
The plan regarding the '''Creepy Guy''' is to do nothing &mdash; ''yet.'' Clearly, it is vital that the plan remain flexible, in case the '''Creepy Guy''' should pose a danger to the neighborhood. ''Extreme and continued vigilance'' is clearly called for. If you should notice anything unusual about the '''Creepy Guy,''' ''anything whatsoever,'' please report it to our toll-free '''Creepy Guy Hotline''' at '''1-888-CREEEPY.'''
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The plan regarding the '''Creepy Guy''' is to do nothing &mdash; ''for now.'' Clearly, it is vital that the plan remain flexible, in case the '''Creepy Guy''' should pose a danger to the neighborhood. ''Extreme and continued vigilance'' is clearly called for. If you should notice anything unusual about the '''Creepy Guy,''' ''anything whatsoever,'' please report it to our toll-free '''Creepy Guy Hotline''' at '''1-888-CREEEPY.'''
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
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{{Neighbors}}
 
* [[Things the government doesn't want you to know]]
 
* [[Things the government doesn't want you to know]]
 
* [[Evil Scheme To Take Over The World]]
 
* [[Evil Scheme To Take Over The World]]
 
* [[Them]]
 
* [[Them]]
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{{FA|date=20 October 2008|revision=3331122}}
 
[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]
 
[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]
{{Neighbors}}
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[[Category:People you should never leave your girlfriend alone with]]
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[[pt:Cara sinistro que mora do outro lado da rua]]
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Latest revision as of 21:36, January 19, 2012

Creepyguyacrossthestreet
This was taken with the old digital camera. As soon as I figure out how to use the new one, there's going to be a lot more detail.

Little definitive information is known about the creepy guy who lives across the street, other than his last name ("Walters"), and his general appearance - white, about 5'10", heavy-set, dark-haired, and generally unattractive. He purchased the small, two-bedroom home approximately ten weeks ago, and after having his belongings loaded in by professional movers, he has only been seen outside when getting his mail or mowing his lawn. He owns a Buick Regal, but has never been seen driving it.

edit Significant Observations

Creepynun
Sometimes the nun exits through the garage.

Even casual observation reveals that the Creepy Guy leaves his large-screen television on essentially around the clock. It is difficult to determine what channel he has it tuned to because of the glass curtains covering his living-room window, but it appears to be one of the major 24-hour cable news channels, or possibly C-SPAN. (The volume is too low to hear from the sidewalk; attempts made with a stethoscope and a super low-impedance pinpoint-directional shotgun mic were less than successful.)

Lights are turned on and off in the Creepy Guy's house seemingly at random, or as if they were programmed in some way. One explanation for this may be that the Creepy Guy owns a remote lighting controller of some kind, and plays with the buttons when he gets bored.

The Creepy Guy receives no visitors, except for one: a nun, who appears roughly between 5 PM and 6 PM each Friday evening. She appears to be carrying nothing when she arrives, stays for only about 5 minutes (the longest visit was 7 minutes 47 seconds, according to the stopwatch), and also leaves empty-handed. The nun could be a relative, or a charity worker of some description, but she has never been approached or identified.

How the Creepy Guy obtains groceries, general-purpose household items, and other supplies remains a mystery. While boxes are occasionally delivered, the number and size of the boxes appear to be insufficient volume-wise to feed one person, even assuming that all the boxes contain foodstuffs. Moreover, the Creepy Guy does not sign for the boxes, even though he is always at home. Instead, he waits, and opens the door to retrieve them as soon as the UPS or FedEx driver leaves.

On occasion it seems that the Creepy Guy stares into your house uneasily while on the computer, before typing about it on a website that appears, according to your binoculars, to have a potato in the left-hand corner.

edit Facts

Bedroom
A picture of the Creepy Guy's bedroom, after successfully breaking into his house. Of particular note is all the equipment. He then chased me out with a baseball bat and threatened to call the police. Weird.
  • The Creepy Guy purchased the house across the street for roughly $110,000.00, though the actual amount was probably less, since this was the asking price and not the final negotiated price. Since the Creepy Guy's source of income is unknown, it seems likely that he either telecommutes or maintains a home-based business, possibly an internet-based one. It is also possible that he has independent means, i.e., has inherited a large amount of money, won the money somewhere, or obtained a large legal settlement. Sorry, now we're getting more into conjecture. See below.
  • Every few nights, the sound of power tools can be clearly heard emanating from the Creepy Guy's basement. One of the tools is clearly either a circular saw or table saw, though there is no evidence of lumber ever having been loaded into (or out of) the Creepy Guy's house. It seems likely that the Creepy Guy is heavily remodeling the interior, for purposes unknown.
  • Once, while mowing his lawn, one of the kids from a few doors down the street accidentally threw a football that landed in the Creepy Guy's driveway. Whereas most people would have at least waved to the kid, or possibly picked up the ball and thrown it back, the Creepy Guy acted as if nothing was happening. There was literally no reaction or acknowledgement from him whatsoever as the kid retrieved the ball and went back down the street. Weird.
  • The Creepy Guy's garage door never closes, even though it clearly has a working automatic opener. Anyone could walk in and steal practically anything, though nobody does.

edit Conjecture

  • One of the other neighbors, whose full name you also don't know, once suggested that the Creepy Guy is operating a "meth lab" in his basement, or is really Carlos Pablo Jesus Rodriguez Martinez pedro De La Puta La Ramani Vieja, a high-ranking member of a Colombian drug cartel.
  • Someone you had a phone conversation with six months ago, whose name may have been "Bill" but you can't recall precisely, guessed that the Creepy Guy may be in the U.S. Federal Witness Protection Program. If so, you'll probably never know for certain, because you actually live in Canada.
  • Your mom claims that you don't call her often enough, and has speculated that she would be better off if the Creepy Guy were her son, not you.

edit Future Plans

The plan regarding the Creepy Guy is to do nothing — for now. Clearly, it is vital that the plan remain flexible, in case the Creepy Guy should pose a danger to the neighborhood. Extreme and continued vigilance is clearly called for. If you should notice anything unusual about the Creepy Guy, anything whatsoever, please report it to our toll-free Creepy Guy Hotline at 1-888-CREEEPY.

edit See Also

Your Neighbors

That old woman next door · The guy who scares the kids · Little boy who lives down the street · Creepy guy who lives across the street · Crazy foreigner down the street · The old man down the street · Old hippie chick who's always collecting money · Mr. Rogers · The Girl Next Door · That kid at the mall

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