Little definitive information is known about the creepy guy who lives across the street, other than his last name ("Walters"), and his general appearance - white, about 5'10", heavy-set, dark-haired, and generally unattractive. He purchased the small, two-bedroom home approximately ten weeks ago, and after having his belongings loaded in by professional movers, he has only been seen outside when getting his mail or mowing his lawn. He owns a Buick Regal, but has never been seen driving it.
Even casual observation reveals that the Creepy Guy leaves his large-screen television on essentially around the clock. It is difficult to determine what channel he has it tuned to because of the glass curtains covering his living-room window, but it appears to be one of the major 24-hour cable news channels, or possibly C-SPAN. (The volume is too low to hear from the sidewalk; attempts made with a stethoscope and a super low-impedance pinpoint-directional shotgun mic were less than successful.)
Lights are turned on and off in the Creepy Guy's house seemingly at random, or as if they were programmed in some way. One explanation for this may be that the Creepy Guy owns a remote lighting controller of some kind, and plays with the buttons when he gets bored.
The Creepy Guy receives no visitors, except for one: a nun, who appears roughly between 5 PM and 6 PM each Friday evening. She appears to be carrying nothing when she arrives, stays for only about 5 minutes (the longest visit was 7 minutes 47 seconds, according to the stopwatch), and also leaves empty-handed. The nun could be a relative, or a charity worker of some description, but she has never been approached or identified.
How the Creepy Guy obtains groceries, general-purpose household items, and other supplies remains a mystery. While boxes are occasionally delivered, the number and size of the boxes appear to be insufficient volume-wise to feed one person, even assuming that all the boxes contain foodstuffs. Moreover, the Creepy Guy does not sign for the boxes, even though he is always at home. Instead, he waits, and opens the door to retrieve them as soon as the UPS or FedEx driver leaves.
On occasion it seems that the Creepy Guy stares into your house uneasily while on the computer, before typing about it on a website that appears, according to your binoculars, to have a potato in the left-hand corner.
- The Creepy Guy purchased the house across the street for roughly $110,000.00, though the actual amount was probably less, since this was the asking price and not the final negotiated price. Since the Creepy Guy's source of income is unknown, it seems likely that he either telecommutes or maintains a home-based business, possibly an internet-based one. It is also possible that he has independent means, i.e., has inherited a large amount of money, won the money somewhere, or obtained a large legal settlement. Sorry, now we're getting more into conjecture. See below.
- Every few nights, the sound of power tools can be clearly heard emanating from the Creepy Guy's basement. One of the tools is clearly either a circular saw or table saw, though there is no evidence of lumber ever having been loaded into (or out of) the Creepy Guy's house. It seems likely that the Creepy Guy is heavily remodeling the interior, for purposes unknown.
- Once, while mowing his lawn, one of the kids from a few doors down the street accidentally threw a football that landed in the Creepy Guy's driveway. Whereas most people would have at least waved to the kid, or possibly picked up the ball and thrown it back, the Creepy Guy acted as if nothing was happening. There was literally no reaction or acknowledgement from him whatsoever as the kid retrieved the ball and went back down the street. Weird.
- The Creepy Guy's garage door never closes, even though it clearly has a working automatic opener. Anyone could walk in and steal practically anything, though nobody does.
- One of the other neighbors, whose full name you also don't know, once suggested that the Creepy Guy is operating a "meth lab" in his basement, or is really Carlos Pablo Jesus Rodriguez Martinez pedro De La Puta La Ramani Vieja, a high-ranking member of a Colombian drug cartel.
- Someone you had a phone conversation with six months ago, whose name may have been "Bill" but you can't recall precisely, guessed that the Creepy Guy may be in the U.S. Federal Witness Protection Program. If so, you'll probably never know for certain, because you actually live in Canada.
- Your mom claims that you don't call her often enough, and has speculated that she would be better off if the Creepy Guy were her son, not you.
The plan regarding the Creepy Guy is to do nothing — for now. Clearly, it is vital that the plan remain flexible, in case the Creepy Guy should pose a danger to the neighborhood. Extreme and continued vigilance is clearly called for. If you should notice anything unusual about the Creepy Guy, anything whatsoever, please report it to our toll-free Creepy Guy Hotline at 1-888-CREEEPY.
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