Hi, <insert name here>. I like the fact that you’re reading this.
I really do.
You see <insert name here>, creepiness is the art of acting in a subtle yet noticeable fashion that makes people feel eerily uneasy. Creeps pride themselves in their ability to elicit discomfort from people such as yourself. I should know.
You don't know me...yet
Do you mind if I’m honest with you? I find it a bit of a – well, a turn on, actually - that you’re reading something I have written. It’s kind of intimate, don’t you think? Not, of course, like the intimacy you experienced recently with your partner or that one night stand you're beginning to regret because you're worried about STDs. There surely isn't any danger in reading this article, right? It's not like I'm going to seek you out or anything.
Well... maybe the "anything." ;-}
Am I turning you on? I mean, you don’t even know me. I could be a dangerous freak using the internet to stalk victims such as yourself. Mind you, I’m not actually that kind of person. What I mean is that I could be – you can never be too sure. For all you know, I could be your next door neighbour. We could find out, if we wanted to.
What are you wearing right now, <insert name here>? If I leave you a contact number, would you let me know? Oh, relax, I’m just being friendly. Just kick off your shoes, or socks, or whatever else pleases you. Do it right now, while you’re reading this. It will be kind of – erotic, don’t you think, <insert name here>? I mean, you don’t know whether I’m a woman or a man, gay or straight, but does that matter? Fantasize about me anyway, and I’ll let you know later.
So, how old are you? I’m probably quite a bit older than you, but that’s okay. In fact, I hope you’re really young. If you’re not, just pretend to be, okay? Pretend you’re in middle school. Entering middle school.
I’d like to know more about you – for example, do you have a mental illness? I have several. Don’t let that bother you – you wouldn’t want to discriminate against me, would you? So many people avoid me; I really need friends. Let’s be friends.
Now that we’re friends, tell me more about yourself. Just a few details? Pretty please? I know - what is your greatest fear? If I knew, maybe one day I could surprise you! Wouldn’t that be fun? Okay, just to be fair, I’ll start: I’m afraid of Asians. Don’t let that turn you away, though; it’s just a little neurosis. It’s not like I would do anything to them. I’m afraid of kittens, too, and I haven’t huffed a single one. Well, the one involving the hot iron and electric cable doesn’t count. It was an accident, and I rarely have accidents.
I’m really quite afraid of heights. It’s scary to imagine yourself leaning over a balcony railing on the 12th floor, then suddenly... I get shivers thinking of those last moments, the few horrific seconds when you know you’re going to die, the funeral arrangements flashing before your eyes, the coffin... I wonder what it would be like to be torn from an airplane, or plunge off the Eiffel Tower. Have you ever been to Paris? We could visit together. Lets!
How about a little visitation?
Don't let a poor, lonely soul's sick fantasies bother you, <insert name here>. I’m such a loner, so deprived, always by myself - pathetic more than anything. I'm not a sicko; I just need someone to understand. If you can just take pity on me, I will be grateful over and over. And over. I can be really grateful. And you know what? I know how to access the userpages of everyone who visits this page. For example, I know that you are <insert name here>. You can learn a lot about people from their userpage. Why, just from examining all the info on the page, the IP address, and a little further research, I have successfully determined the location of over half the people who have read this article. Don’t worry, I won’t come in without knocking. Unless you’d like me to; and I’m guessing that you would.
No need to object; I know you're just being polite. I'll be over around 3:00 in the morning. What - not a good time? Then it shall be a surprise. I'll even decide on a surprise activity; no worries, it won't be the one in the picture, as romantic as that might seem. No, I have something much, much more erotic in mind. It gives me the chills just to think about it - you too? That can only mean one thing: destiny.
I'm so glad we have had this little chat. And you know, I don't feel the least bit creeped out. Just my imagination I guess. See you soon, my love, my dear <insert name here>. You don't mind me calling you that, do you? Well, they all do - at first. But after the climax of the drama, after the lusty shrieking and ecstatic screams, they never object again.