Creationist Views on Australia
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“It exists. I've been there.”
“Richard Dawkins has no more been to Australia than he has Narnia. In fact, if Dawkins did go to Narnia he would most probably be eaten by Aslan, who is, of course, a representation of the Lord Jesus Christ.”
“Jesus is not a lion.”
“But he could be if he wanted to.”
Creation science contends that as Australia is never mentioned in any section of the Bible, it doesn't actually exist. “There's a stark choice,” states ChristianScience.net: “You either believe in the teachings of our Lord Jesus or you believe there is a place called Australia!”
In a warning to believers, ChristianScience.net states that, “One of the oldest arguments that devil-worshipping pagan, cat-sacrificing evolutionists always bring up is that there is a giant island in the South Pacifc by the name of Australia. As Christians we must at all times remember the inerrancy of Scripture and that we shouldn't arbitrarily injure cats. There is no Godly reason to accept there is such a place.”
The mounting evidence for the existence of Australia falls on deaf but architecturally sound ears of creationist pin-up William Dembski: “Evidence is a cancer. And like all cancers it must be fought off with a big wooden stick. I suggest prayer, early nights and sex only within a monogamous marriage. Even then it should not be dirty sex...just...you know...in and out, in a calm and orderly manner.”
God's Anger / The Anger of God / Holy Rage
Exactly how angry God is about Australia is unclear. It is considered that the Almighty has become somewhat of a recluse in recent years. He has refused to directly comment on the controversy, apparently because he's been spending much of his time relaxing in his Heaven villa playing Connect 4 with the Holy Ghost. But in a recent interview with Benny Hinn conducted by an American TV journalist with a somewhat dated moustache, the following insightful exchange took place.
Journalist: And do you know how God feels about those that think it's, you know, kind of neat to believe in Australia? Hinn: My Lord God, and to a lesser extent "Our Lord God", has been looking back on the Old Testament and he's definitely up for a little Genesis. Journalist: You've spoken to him? Hinn: I'm speaking to him now. Journalist: What does he say? Hinn: He's gonna bring death and destruction to all of Australia. Journalist: Even though it doesn't exist? Hinn: Ehhhhh......................yep.
It is argued by the people with arguments, that if Australia does not exist, then how is it that so many people have apparently taken a holiday there. ChristianScience.net explains, “All airlines are run by a network of Jesus-hating homosexual non-gun-owning Nazi commie bastards who probably enjoy peeping at naked dogs. The great deception, of course, is that when you think you are flying to Australia, you are in fact simply heading for a big mock-up of it in a warehouse in California.”
Dembski stirred some golden sugar to sweeten the already syrupy creationist cake, stating, “If you're reading this and you believe you are in Australia, I ask you to do this: look at the sky. It is clearly lower than it should be. That is a low sky. God wouldn't make a sky that low.”
View from space
Scientists hoped that Man's success in getting out into space and thus orbiting the planet Earth would extinguish the non-Australia viewpoint. Not so. Creationists contend that what people have seen when they supposedly view the land-mass of Australia from outer-space is just a big slick of human sin.
A breakthrough for the children of the Lord occurred in February 1988, when a member of the West Virginia congregation of a local Baptist church came forward with blueprints he had found in his loft.
“I remember meeting the gentleman who lived there before me. I thought then he could have been an EVILutionist, as the cut of his pants just wasn't dandy. But I couldn't have guessed of the nasty secret he was hiding in that there loft up there. Designs for kangaroos for the Australia mock-up! And according to the blueprints, they make them out of bouncy cardboard!”
An average of two inches taller than creationists (so as to be able to pick fruit from higher branches), evolutionists are quick (7 seconds) to jump to the defence of evolution.
“There is overwhelming evidence that Australia exists,” states The New Scientist. “There have been recent sightings of Australia by actual scientists who have Ph.D.s and inconsistent hair. We are 99.8% certain of its existence based on hard empirical data and deterministic probability and all that.”
Even some Christians, those who take the whole religion thing a little less seriously, support the idea that there is an Australia. One theory put forward by moderates, is that paragraphs mentioning Australia were removed from the original version of the Good Book to make the plot zippier and easier to understand for an American audience.
When a recent expedition allegedly made landfall on the continent (it has been suggested that the expedition instead reached the shores of hell) many strange creatures were sighted. Of the three hundred successfully captured, only one showed any sign of distress, screaming what sounded like a mixture of the words 'bee' and 'ear', then 'so' and 'sage'
Descent into Christianity
The Bunkhead story has become closely associated with the controversy. Jim Bunkhead was born in Sydney in 1953 as a result of an earlier session of sexual-intercourse between a man and woman. As a young man, something he would remain as until he was older, Bunkhead experimented with vegetarianism. This eventually developed into a full-blown heroin addiction. In 1988, Bunkhead walked into a Christian-run "Drop-In for Drop-Outs" centre where, with help from God and Jesus and a Holy Ghost, he kicked the habit. He was born again through the vagina of the Almighty.
End of Bunkhead
On March the 16th 1990, Bunkhead was found dead by his wife Fiona, a woman whom he had previously married. An empty jar of pills, a suicide note and a Bible were located within the vicinity of the body. An extract from that suicide note, translated into English from the original Hebrew text, was later released into the wild by the police law enforcement officers:
“Goodday. When Jesus fed the 5000, he did so without the use of a barbeque. He did not crack open a cold one to enjoy with his fish, he just drunk water, probably holy water. It is clear to me from reading scripture that I cannot possibly be living in Australia. And with this knowledge, I know there's even a risk that I could be flaming English!”
Reaction to Bunkhead's death
Creationist Dr Walt Brown spoke, “It's always sad when someone takes their own life, whether they existed or not. Evolutionists are blaming Creation Science for this man's death. If it were up to them, the world would be flooded with people and countries that don't exist.”
Australian Parliamentary reaction
In 1967, the Australian parliament passed a law that makes the denial of the existence of Australia illegal. So far only 560 people have been prosecuted for Australia Denial and 400 of them were probably one guy with a persecution complex. Australian MP Burt Ozbanger commented, “Because of legislation, Australia has the lowest percentage of Australia deniers in the whole world. Most people living here fully accept that Australia exists.”
“They're fucking wrong, though,” ChristianScience.net stated.