Crash test dummy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“Oh shi...”
~ Average American on their sweet 16th birthday on wrapping themselves around a tree with their brand new Ford
Crash test dummies

Yep, there is a living, breathing retard underneath that plastic shell.

Crash test dummies are a variety of human shaped items, objects and lifeforms used to substitute human beings for the purpose of testing vehicle safety.

edit History

Automobiles have been the bane of humanity ever since their unfortunate invention by this guy. Henry Ford attempted to make these vehicles safer by trying to make the backseat of cars too small to make love on and protect the upholstery of the car from being impregnated by a lecherous man; however, there is nothing to protect the driver of the vehicle who were prone to collide with other vehicles whose drivers who happened to be distracted by performing cunnilingus while simultaneously trying to send a text message to their stock broker to sell all their shares of Enron before Andersen's auditing discrepancies were published.

To this end human beings were employed to test the limits of human biophysics and what the body could withstand during a crash in order to design cars that are slightly safer death traps. Dr. Ongwe Mobotowulu was the leader in such testing, representing the height of Education, one example was that he leaped off of tall buildings to discover how much force it takes to crack open his skull, and tied his hands to a cam shaft to see how much force it takes to rip his arms out of its socket. After performing these experiments he was reported to have said that he "was a little sore," when he suddenly came to the realization that it would be more efficient and less painful to use mentally incompetent people for his experiments. Since it is well-known that retards do not feel pain, this circumvents the ethical concern for using human beings as test subjects of car crashes, and nobody cares when mentally retarded people die anyway.

edit Alternatives to Using Retards

Cadavers have been traditionally used in car crash tests, but due to the other useful uses of body parts from the deceased this practice have declined in recent years. Arms, legs, torso, faces, even such useless internal organs such as hearts and livers have been successfully transplanted from corpses onto living people. I mean, I would like to have the tits and ass of Anna Nicole Smith, wouldn't you, and thanks to eBay I'm actually getting them. That, along with the brain of Einstein, the face of Brad Pitt, and couple of other things here and there would complete me as a person. The only part that will not be replaced is my penis, which is God's special endowment for me. Not that you need to know any of this.

edit Animal testing

Animals have ever since the conception of the idea of crashing vehicles into walls or other static objects at high velocities been a favourite of scientists. The cosmetics industry has long ago proved that if it can't be tested on cute kittens and rabbits and other fluffy critters in horrible lab conditions, it's not worth marketing to the average blonde as the best and greenest product out there up-to-date.

The problem presented in this method is that animals such as scientist's best friends such as dogs, cats and pigs lack the required physique to correctly model the effects of a car with passengers wrapping itself around a tree to be of anything but reference material in the preparation for live human testing. Limited to low success rates have been reached with the use of primates, but unfortunately, unlike the average driver, they have a remaining hint of self-preservation instinct. Using special humans in car crashes confers a further benefit over animal testing in car crashes, since animals can not drive, it is difficult to get them to crash cars, and driving the vehicle often requires a person, most preferably a juvenile American with only moderate understanding of traffic safety laws and regulations.

edit Abusing other humanoid species

Some car manufacturers have in recent years tested an alternative form of test dummies, caught from the wild, natural forest settlements in Canada, best known from being featured in a cut episode of Stargate SG-1. These creatures have a similar enough anatomy to humans to provide reliable data on the effects of crashes on the human physique, while some of these creatures' internal organs have proven to have a predictable discolouration develop within 24 hours of the crash within an internal organ that would in a human be assumed to be the liver. This discolouration is directly relative to the velocity of the car at the moment of impact, and as such, has been the goal of several failed experiments to replicate the gland's function.

These humanoids are very mellow, and provide little to no resistance to seasoned hunters, who in all aspects of the capture process treat these humanoids according to all agreed upon conventions of what is appropriate treatment of eh...foreign lifeforms.

Crash test dummies in Stargate SG1.

edit Life of a Retard

Family of dummies

After receiving his green card, this crash test dummy brought his entire family over from Bangladesh, and now runs a successful 7-11 in Missouri.

Most crash test retards nowadays carry the sticker somewhere (usually where the sun doesn't shine) "Made in China." This is due to China's Retard Extermination Policy, China has discovered a use for its intellectually incompetent people other than filler material for unmarked graves. Although the sticker "Born in China" might be more appropriate, though technically the description provided by the conventional sticker is correct. Those retards in China who are fortunate to gain an opportunity to experience the American dream and gain the privilege of gaining so much credit card debt that having a job as a crash test dummy seems less of a reason to be distressed than thinking about how one would pay back the bank for all the debt. Despite the unpleasantness of being a crash test dummy it is an easier way to enter and become an American citizens than other methods, primarily having to leap over fences and toil in fields picking fruits and vegetables. Retards who have immigrated to America to be crash test dummies generally never regret their decision to do so, despite the fact that due to the high mortality rate of this occupation, only one out of ten ever hope of retiring at potbellied, lazy Americans.

edit Replacement with Plastic

Due to the increased fees demanded by dummy hunters, large car manufacturers such as Ford and General Motors have commissioned several projects from leading scientists with the intention of finding an affordable replacement to dummies. Current progress with cheap models made of plastic and metal have only led to mediocre results, which shows in the increase of accident statistics. Developmentally challenged individuals who have worked as crash test dummies are generally opposed to this, since their replacement with machines would put them out of their jobs. Corporations want the retards to be replaced with inanimate plastic dummies because unlike real people they don't form unions or demand decent working conditions, but the leader of the United Union of Crash Test Retard recently stated, "Ughh...ughhh, mmmph, mmphahnmah, rrrraaarrrammmame..." which roughly translated from retard speak means, "We retards are people too, we demand to be treated like any regular human being." While the general public is doubtful of the claim of this retard, most humans believe that retards are at least as smart as monkeys, which give them the right to have a banana each day and fling feces at their caretakers as they live in their cramp cages.

Personal tools
projects