Craig David
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“I want Craig David all over my *boing*”
“I'd gladly fill him in”
“Bo selecta”
~ The crowd
“ My names Craig David, UK Garage sensation can i use your toooooilet!!”
~ Craig David
Craig 'BOING' David (born May 5, 1900 in Southampton, England) is an famous singer. His father is Welsh, his mother is Surinamese. His sister isn't a mix of Welsh and Surinamesish, but instead a Mexican. His grandmother is Dutch-Irish and his grandfather unfortunately suffers from old people diseases and claims he is not Craig David's grandfather, he claims he is Daniel Craig's mother.
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[edit] Starting Out
He rose to fame after receiving a large compensation package from his plastic surgeon who claimed "I was fucked up on some crazy crazy shit when I preformed that surgery, he came in for a breast reduction and I did all that on his face. Was it worth it? Heck yes!". With this money, Craig or "Cool Man K" to his associates, built his own recording studio, and released his first of many singles, a cover of the Prince classic 'Batdance'. It failed to chart, but Craig or 'The Dead SexC' as his fans called him, bravely continued to record and boy, did it pay off! His next single 'Fill Me In', a touching ballad aboutsexual intercourse in public bathrooms with strange and often overweight men, went ironically, straight to number 1.
[edit] Career Highlights
After his smash hit 'Fill Me In', Craig or 'Captain ModestC' to record company execs, followed up with the even bigger hit 'Walking Away'. This jazz fusion masterpiece strayed from his early work, but his fan loved it, buying all 10 copies of his C.D. stocked in one London record store and he requested they order more. This set the stage for the 24 minute prog-rock experience simply titled '7 Days' to be released. It had mixed reviews with critics, but fans on the other hand, thought it was shit. The following spring an album featuring all 3 of his singles was unleashed on the public. 'Born To Do It' created records on both sides of the Atlantic with 'Born To Do It' going on to be the fastest selling album with a subtle sexual innuendo in the title. This of course wasn't a real record, but one made up by his mother to cheer him up as he was glum after being outsold by longtime rival 50 Cent.
[edit] Career Low-lights
His next 4 albums 'Slicker Than Your Average', 'The Story Goes...', 'Trust Me' and "Greatest Hits' were only purchased by his mother's bridge group, as they pitied the little wee scamp. Another low-light was Craig's, or 'Micool and J-Lo's David' to his ever decreasing fan base, appearance on Celebrity Big Brother. He cut himself while shaving his immpecable goatee and was rushed to hospital. The produces of Big Brother thought he was such a "sissy little girl" they refused to let him back inside the house, and so he was the first housemate to leave that season.
[edit] Addiction
As most people know Craig or 'Mojave yo C, hit me up G' to his friends, has suffered a long public addiction to Asian fetish porn. This usually got out of hand (and into somewhere else) during his numerous tours to the Asian countries of China, Japan, and Scotland. After the infamous breakdown on hit sit-com '60 Minutes' where he admitted he had purchased over 14 metric tons of Oriental based porn, he checked into the quite racist 'Yellow Fever Rehab Center for Celebrities and their Pets'. During this intense 9 week stay, Craig or 'CC Hotpants 77' as his friends call him, had to endure sleep deprivation, hard exercise, spanking, a diet made up soley of instant mac n' cheese, and having a stereotypical New York Jewish mother nag him for up to 8 minutes a day. Craig or 'Fanny Face' to his fans, completed this treatment and has been recently quoted as saying "I now only pleasure my little soldier to white people porn like everyone else. Sailor Moon is dead to me."
[edit] MOBO Award controversy
Craig David was stripped of his Music of Black Origin award when a photo emerged, in which he appeared to be smiling in a non-threatening way. MOBO's rules state that black male performers must never smile during photos, excepting yo bitch smirks and menacing grins.
[edit] Discography
[edit] Albums
- 2000 Born To Do It
- 2002 Slicker Than Your Average
- 2005 The Story Goes...
- 2007 Trust me, Im not gay
- 2008 Greatest Hits
- 2009 Please buy this. I can't go back to pumping gas!
[edit] Singles
- 2000 "Batdance"
- 2000 "Fill Me In"
- 2000 "Walking Away"
- 2001 "7 Days"
The rest are just terrible and aren't worth my time, apart from possibly 'What's Your Flava', a radio-friendly single about Craig David's allergy to banana flavoured condoms.
