From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article may be a bit Canadian, eh? Americans and Brits may not know much aboot Canuck humour. We suggest trying some poutine and buying a RUSH album. Thanks, eh!|
“He is the fattest sweaty guy I've ever seen.”
Craig Chandler is a guy who likes to think he's a buisness man from Calgary, Alberta, Canada! He runs a lot of local political campaigns that usually end in his candidates running from him, or voters running from his dodgy record. To finance those campaigns he gets money from his dad in Ontario and bilks small businessman out of their money who weren't smart enough to join the Canadian Federation of Independent Business.
edit Early career
Chandler ran as a Reform Party candidate in Canada's national New Democratic Party Socialist preserve, its short name being the village of Hamilton, also known as Toronto's retarded little brother. This occurred in the 1993 federal election during a simpler time when no one knew whom they were dealing with. Chandler lost the race, and there were some rumors about a dead body in his garage.
edit Mid life crisis
Dad gave Chandler the boot to move out of Ontario and stay out of his affairs. Poor Chandler roamed the great Canadian plains on the back of his trusty steed Don Leonardo past some provinces no one cares about to Alberta (which was discovered the previous winter). He settled in the city of Calgary (having just been founded the previous winter).
Chandler started his group the Progressive Group for Independent Business known as the PGIB. Some have nicknamed the organization Pushy Grifter Ideologues Bilking. His organization has three sets of principals.
- Threaten to sue someone.
- Run candidates in many elections that have extreme fringe radical Social Conservative views with the hope of securing money from the government for his organizations.
- Make everyone uncomfortable.
edit Campaign tactics
Chandler ensnares desperate political wanna-Be's with a siren song about his campaign record. His candidates will pay him exorbitant fee's for him to put out recycled uninspiring campaign material rehashed from dozens of failed campaigns. Trouble usually ensues when the tried and true methods of a Chandler campaign get push back from everyone. Chandler has a record of poisoning his candidates supporters and other opponents who get in his way.
Carl Rove would be shocked at the methods Chandler uses to run campaigns. At some point in a particular Chandler campaign all hell will break loose, the police will be called and lawsuits threatened. After every campaign Chandler will try and win people over by saying he has changed and become a better person.
A typical Chandler campaign will contain some poorly worded literature, some shilling from his on-line rag The Calgary Beacon, and a few manufactured crisis. Chandler will complain to authorities about everything every other candidate and their campaign do, and than whine and scream if they complain about all the bad stuff he does.
edit Personality cult
Chandler maintains a personality cult of fat guys by giving them key positions in his PGIB Lobby group. If he runs out of key positions his lobby group will have lobby babies and expand to form new groups, which he will staff with more fat guys.
The fat guys in his cult stay in the basement with Chandler and do whatever it is that fat cultists do, which I can assure you isn't hot women. (Possibly make pentagrams out of Häagen-Dazs®)
Chandlers group follows him everywhere and does what he says without exception. Leading psychologists think low self esteem is at work.
Chandler has many issues, he has flip flopped on the issue of human rights commissions. He was taken to one himself because he doesn't love gays, But has threatened to send other people to a human rights commission.
Chandler's radio show Freedom Radio Network also had issues. The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council, also known as them Radio Sensorship guys in Ottawa, thought that his show was a bunch of crap in 2007 and forced the radio station to apoligize.
In 2007 Chandler won a nomination for the PC party totally shocking everyone, and defying the betting line in Los Vegas and screwing up a lot of peoples trifectas. Premier Ed Stelmach also wouldn't let him run for his party because he doesn't love gays. He ran as an Independent instead and got hammered.