Crack
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| This page needs to be fixed up.
Please rewrite or improve this article so that it is higher quality. This may include making spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganising the content, or deleting bad content and clichés.
(Peer review is available here) If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion. | |||
“SHOOP DA WOOP!!!”
“I just need a little more than ill have to get some more!!”
Crack-Cocaine, not to be confused with the less popular Buttcrack-Cocaine, known as Crack, rocks, pot, baby nuts, and George Bush's eye shadow, is a tool with which to get über fuxed up, and like all good things, was discovered on a confiscated crack pipe by a slave owner in Virginia in the early 18th century. Ronald Reagan distributed it in an effort to purge the nation of African-Americans, but has managed instead to only re-subjugate them to Caucasian dominance after a temporarily successful revolt, known commonly as the “Civil Rights Movement”. Though the purge was incomplete, this secondary effect has been deemed “satisfactory” by The Man, the unquestioned clandestine ruler of the United States and the world. A new attempt to distribute the substance has begun, started by Sarah Palin. This new form is called Liquid Crack.
Contents |
edit Chemistry
Crack is mined in an impure form, containing small amounts of cocaine, human fecal matter, dog fecal matter, beer, bat guano, vodka, monosodium glutomate, dandruff,cat semen for the white coloration, and just a dash birth control pills for texture. With a more recent method, patented by GlaxoSmithKline crack can now be fully synthesized from the blood of newly born kittens. But I make mine from cocaine and baking soda (add a little pcp for optimum flavor level). Eggs and cinnamon can be added for more full flavor crack.
Crack was immediately confiscated by The Man, Stan, and remained unused for several years, as The Man and his advisement council could not decide of how to use it. In addition, The Man and his council were overseeing the impending assassinations of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Senator Robert F. Kennedy.
Knowing the dangerous potential of Crack, it was kept secret to keep Caucasians from becoming addicted, as that was seen as a potential way to cause the downfall of the race, leaving the world to Wetbacks and Panic! At The Disco fans.OH FUCKING NO!!! THE WORLD IS GOING TO END FROM THE PANIC AT THE DISCO FANS!!! However, after the successful assassinations of King and Kennedy, and the quelling of the subsequent riots, it was decided that Crack would be released – in an effort to stem the growing resentment of blacks toward whites. The goal was not to change opinions, but rather to kill blacks and white slave owners from the early 18th century. If unsuccessful, a secondary plan was to create a community-wide, narcotic-induced hysteria, rendering blacks unable to “get it together” to take on The Man.
edit Crack and its users
edit 1980s
The first widespread release of Crack came in 1981, when The Man sent an emissary to Harlem, NY, to meet with local street-level drug dealer Leroy “Moochie” Barnes, aka Chris "Rock". The emissary identified himself only as “Will Case”. Barnes intimates that the stranger was wearing a CIA badge and offered Barnes the chance to “slang that killa shit bitch nigga and yo momma breast milk ”.
edit 2000s and beyond
The release of the post-modern fictional novel House of Leaves was reported to have increased crack usage by 700 percent.
edit Epidemic
Barnes, not one to pass up an eloquently presented deal, immediately bit. The immediate success of the drug sales led to Barnes skyrocketing to the top of the criminal underworld, also known as the black market. He went from “corner watcher” to “boss” in eight 12 months, the fastest criminal rise ever, according to statistics printed in “Crack Today” and "Grape Soda" magazine.
Soon, the drug started to take hold of the community nationally, and the progression of blacks and other poor inner-city peoples since the 1940’s was becoming precariously tenuous. Eventually, Crack, coupled with the then-new Hip-Hop music, came to cause a complete collapse of the support system that culture blacks had fought to create over the previous several years.
edit “Satisfactory”
Contrary to what The Man and others in his circle had hoped, Crack did not end up killing blacks, as The Man had wished. INSTEAD, it has given their race massive brain damage, causing them to speak with words such as "yo", "a'ight" and "Yo, my hombre! Shirts verses skins pickup game! Now feed my the rock every wiggidy wack play!". Scientists do not know how to correct this speech impediment so for now they are leaving them like this. For that, we are very thankful.
However, The Man and his cohorts started to notice an interesting and developing trend: Crack and Hip-Hop allowed them to re-subjugate blacks and other poor people to his rule. The Man immediately introduced low-paying, slave-wage jobs in order to complete some of the staggering paperwork left undone after the ascension of the Jews to second-class citizens. This particular idea has not found widespread success however, as blacks have shown resistance to the idea of work - particularly in customer service situations where efficiency and friendliness are important. Despite this, blacks remain as solid third class citizens, just ahead of Mexicans, though Mexicans are increasingly showing signs of "leaping the fence" to move ahead of blacks. Mexicans have become incredibly adept at fence leaping in recent years.
edit Popularity
Crack found widespread popularity through rap music (also known as C-Rap), especially the songs of Notorious B.I.G., a rapper known to eat his share of crack (and other things, spaghetti. Notorious weighed over 700 lbs. upon his death, mostly Crack weight.
The white men also found it profitable to sell Crack to Native Americans and Hispanics, to explain the appearance of Cuban and Colombian cartels. Other consumer bases known for their affinity on crack are Haitians and Jamaicans.
edit Chappelle's Show
Notorious Crack-user Dave Chappelle created controversy when he got a TV show under the alias "Tyrone Biggums" and used it to show the world how to eat Crack. He also popularized the idea of inhaling Crack , but this fell out of favor when the rocks got lodged in users’ bronchial tubes. He is widely believed to be the inventor of Crack, but this claim is erroneous, obviously, as the inventor of crack was Benjamin Franklin.
edit Talk to Frank
If you think your teenager might be using crack, or any other drug, or you are having problems with crack, our Helpline is available 24/7. (Every seventh leap year, if it's a full moon.) Talk to Frank. Now. Or we'll kill you.
1-618-530-1962
edit CraXoR
CraXoR (pronounced Crack Saw) is a famous crack-using humanoid. She was introduced to crack by her boyfriend, the guy with the massive eyebrows and moustache and has since become painfully addicted. The only thing she cares about apart from that is being smug on the internet and being assraped by her imaginary friend Billica LaClintsky. She can be found in an imaginary field filled with pixel horses and spammers who hate her. And also a lot of crack cocaine, and her trusty Saw which she uses to cut it into lines.
