Cows will kill you

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“I KNEW IT! Their ability to produce fresh dairy goodness has been a ploy to gain our trust all along!”
~ The Tick on Cows
“I've known something was up for a while. Just the other day, a cow flattened half of my village!”
~ Papa Smurf on Cows


Cow Death, often referred to as "Udder Death", is a serious threat to mankind as, in the last 10 years, the number of victims has dramatically risen from 2 pigs to 40 million people.


edit Not Just In The Air

Contrary to urban legend, death by cow is not only caused by the inhalation of methane emitted by these hulking beasts. Disturbingly, new techniques have been developed within the last 2 years to equip them for their battle against the world. Many observers state that it is only a matter of time before these glaze-eyed devils surpass even humanity's greatest accomplishment - pie.

edit Biology and Danger

Obviously, cows are large. When in large numbers, they can use their collective largeness to trample any unsuspecting human(s) or cause small earthquakes. They also possess defense mechanisms, such as methane expulsion, which can send an average human adult into seizures or cardiac arrest (they also it use to assault the earth's ozone layer), toxic saliva, which contains numerous potentially-fatal retroviruses, horns (on males), and hooves (see above). Their tails can be used to impale, and are thought to contain poison. Some even speculate that their tails aren't tails, but flexible, hair-covered stingers.

edit Don't Eat The Cheese

Ever been inside the cow containment area in a cheese factory? Of course not! You'd be killed on the spot. Upon entering this enclosure, a person inhales a deadly concoction of hydrocarbons and other evil chemicals, which cause the shutdown of the brain and central nervous system. The cows then remove the brain and add it to the milk, which is churned into cheese - aka head cheese. Remember: every time you eat cheese, you might as well be impersonating a zombie by opening your hapless victim's skull and feasting upon the chewy grey delicacies matter within.

edit The Purpose

Why would cows want this? Power, of course. Cows know that if they ruled the planet, they'd not only never have to worry about being turned into mouthwatering barbaric beef products for human consumption, they would finally be able to control everything that humanity has worked for. Cows are jealous, and strongly believe that they deserve a turn at dominance.

edit What To Do If An Encounter Occurs

Cows don't like cold temperatures or Snow Baby figurines. If you are confronted by one of the menacing monsters, it would be good to have a watergun filled with ice water, a waterballoon filled with ice water, a canister of liquid nitrogen, or Vladimir Putin. These frigid objects in particular will send the behemoth lumbering in the other direction, although other cold objects may be used, but to less effect. Cows find Snow Baby figurines to be very irritating, and avoid proximity with them whenever possible (much like vampires and crucifixes).

edit See Also

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