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The Cowboy is an undomesticated breed of man often found wandering the open plains, yearning for a simpler way of life. The tales these wanderers have been recorded and made popular through country music, folk music, jazz, modern trance, and trashy pulp fiction novels like Lonesome Dove. Recently, the cowboy has become all but extinct due to use of the land by westward expansion, railroad and highway construction, green house emissions, McDonald's and modern American cinema.
The ever popular Clint Eastwood and Roy Rogers were quite famous examples of the fine American Cowboy. The two were great chums and frequently secreted off on private "lassoing" adventures to pristine, remote and discrete cowboy paradise playgrounds such as the high pampas of Argentina, where they often frolicked with genuine gauchos often riding bareback, double-bareback, and performing daredevil tricks while in full gallop. Most people think of Brokeback Mountain when one compares the American cowboy way of life with Gaytopia.
Cowboys have a long and distinguished history, almost as long as their lassos and their cocks. What follows is a brief description of that history.
In ancient times, there used to be that there were no cowboys. Then God created the cow, and God created man. Young men, called boys, would sometimes get horny and need to relieve their primal urges, even when there were no willing girls around. These boys are fucking legends, thus becoming known as "cowboys."
Cowboys did not get much respect until the advent of the American Old West in the early 1800's. By the 1860's, rich ranchers needed boys and men to move their cattle from Texas breeding grounds to railroad towns in Kansas, Nebraska, and Missouri. Finally, cowboys had found a way to make a living that suited their way of life: weeks or even months on baren, remote plains, with only cows and dem sexy redneck babes for love. It worked.
Also, by way of evolution still not totally understood by scientists, it should be noted that cowboys have huge cocks. Every single one of them. Every last one.
Late History and Stuff
Well, then the cowboys did some things, and some stuff happened, and people broke up, so they all kinda decided that if they were gonna feel this bad, that they'd screw you over and make you feel bad about your disgusting Cheeto-stained nipples. That's a long way of saying the Old American West died. Now cowboys are mainly living artifacts, working on the few remaining ranches in the USA that need their cattle to be taken care of.
The Modern Cowboy's Job
Due to the lack of cattle drives and working ranches, nowadays it is essentially the cowboy's job to make you feel bad about yourself by being more of a man than you'll ever be, you pussy. With their ten-gallon hats, muscular shoulders and biceps, and manly whiskers, its a sorry man who decided to take on a cowboy.
What to do if YOU Encounter a Cowboy
Cowboys are drunk at all times, as they always carry a shot of whiskey. To avoid enraging a cowboy, stare them in the eye and talk to them. Walk away slowly, and DO NOT RUN. Any "howdy's" or such are just a part of the cowboy's dialect. Continue moving until you can call for help. As you are walking away, raise your arms and hands in the air and wave your hands to make your self look bigger. This may deter the cowboy, and the signs that it worked are Erections, wolf whistles, and "Yeehaw's". Also, one may bait a cowboy by throwing an alcoholic beverage on the floor. Whatever you do, NEVER dress as a hobo.
What to do if YOUR FRIEND Encounters a Cowboy
Immediately throw a shot of whiskey on his crotch, and step back. Be prepared to write a note to who ever finds your body that you laughed to death.
There are many fun things to do with friends and cowboys, for instance, convince him to dress up as a hobo and send him to a rodeo. When he goes to the bathroom, spill a trail of beer from the urinal he's at, to the bar. The cowboy will leave the females and enter the bathroom. Let the fun ensue.
- Clint Eastwood
- John Wayne
- Akira Kurosawa
- Charles in Charge
- Otto von Bismark
- Vash the Stampede
- Chuck Norris
- Tommy Lee Jones
- Revolver Ocelot, until he double-crossed Ultra Jesus and the cowboys for the 500th time.
- Cowboys are often found in Eastern Africa, The United States of Canadia, The Soviet Union, and inside your cat.
- Cowboys are responsible for forming the first marching band in history (pictured), although it was promptly wiped out by the Native American Red Army Choir.
- Texas Jewboys
- Streets of Laredo
- Red Army Choir
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