Cowation

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Cowation

Elvis Costello pre- and post-cowation. Note the change in ear color.

Cowation is a syndrome with as major symptom the transformation of the patient into a cow. The process typically involves three major stages: first everything is normal, then the patient starts to mooo, then he becomes a cow.

Cowationologists are divided over whether this is a disease or a blessing. Consensus is this depends on the particular patient.

Reincownation is a different but related process that involves dying and coming back to life as a cow. Autoerotic cowatic behavior is more and more considered a problem in developed countries.

History of Cowation

The first instances of cowation took place in the year 3513 A.C. (After Cheese) Some people were minding their own business, and then they cowated. It was pretty bad, because those people happened to be Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger and they accidentally pressed the button that drops the nuclear bomb on China. But afterward everybody was cool with that because cows are stupid.

The next year, cowation struck in mass numbers as the entire country of Albania (and some nearby portions of Yugoslovenia) simultaneously cowated. Very few people noticed. They could have, but they couldn't "handle it."

Cowation still has a prominent part of United States politics today, as whenever a politician gets caught lying, he can become a cow and then everybody will be cool with that because cows are stupid.

Elvis Costello's unfortunate cowation also inspired the creation of Kool Aid.

Furthermore, cowation is officially approved by the FDA as a treament for syphilis and chlamydia

Recent Cowation Sightings

  • "Once, at a bus stop, I saw a guy cowate just like that. It was cool." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • The Dot-cow virus causes cowation in computers.
  • "Once I was eating my dog and he cowated i lost 3 of my 4 arms afterwards" Jeremy Clarkson

Scientific Explanation for Cowation

Cowation takes place when a certain hydrocarbon in human blood—called "cowane" -- gets really agitated and starts typing obscene letters to celebrities, such as Bob Barker or Jennifer Lopez. It then bonds with another similar hydrocarbon called "cowene", and turns the person into a cow.

Structure of cowane:

M-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H

Structure of cowene:

M-O=O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H

Argument for Cowation

  • Cows are cool!

Argument against Cowation

  • Cows are dumb.
  • Mass Cowation in foreign countries would likely result in an unprecedented number of hurricanes
  • Too much bullshit in the world as-is
  • Cows are unable to type.
  • Cows are always getting milked by farmers and corporations.

George W. Bush's Stance

  • "I eat cow!" ~ George W. Bush
    • Editor's note: Careful, George, if you keep eating so much cow, you might cowate.
      • Meta-Editor's note: maybe he already has...
        • Ultra-Editor's note: Has anybody seen my keys?
          • Meta-Ultra-Editor's note: You left them on your cow.
            • Super-Meta-Ultra-Editor's note: Don't forget that you have two of them.
              • Oscar Wilde's note: Actually, I think he has one cow and one cowated zebra

If I were a cow...

  • I would moo
  • I would smell
  • I would be a brown cow
    • ... or perhaps I would be spotted and monochrome, like some sort of "Holstein"
  • I would produce milk, which could theoretically be made into trees
  • I would make regular attempts to milk myself with a scented candle (cinnamon)
  • I will be a cow, when I Cowate!
    • "That's the positive thinking spirit! You go, boi! It's your birthday!" -- Anthony "Richard "Oscar Wilde" Simmons" Robbins

Common, Avoidable Causes of Cowation

Don't:

  • Eat cow
  • Drink cow
  • Lick cow
  • Sniff cow
  • Smoke cow
  • Huff cow
  • Inject cow
  • Have a cow, man.

Some Final Thoughts

Cowation is bad. It might be the "cool thing to do," but it's really not a good idea, if you value your hominidity.

(Unless you really want to be a cow, in which case, all of Uncyclopedia encourages you to go for it!)

"Oh, damn! I've got udders again!" ~ Oscar Wilde

See also

External links

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