Council on Countries that Suck
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The Council on Countries that Suck is a committee appointed by the UN to identify, insult and vilify the most sucky countries in the world - namely, those whose delegates only brought a can of creamed corn to the Annual UN Tombola.
The idea behind the Council on Countries that Suck dates back over one hundred and fifty years. On the 18th of June, 1842, the English journalist Alan Dove Twitts wrote in the British newspaper The Daily Arse that France was "the suckingest country ever to have dared to suck in Britannia's presence". Simultaneously, the French écrivain Francis Apu Dole, in the French newspaper L'Escargot, said that Britain was "un cheval qui est à la piscine, qui vous coûtera cinquante francs".
Before long, journalists left, right and centre were doling out varying amounts of suck to one another. The German journalist Hans-Meier von Meier-Meier von Meier-Meier-Meier von Schnapps described Switzerland as "the big Suck", while the Norwegian commentator Otto Flurdigurdi called the Ottoman Empire "a vacuum of suck so large that it could wipe us out of existence - yes, even Norway, the best country in the world, not that I'm biased or anything. GO NORWAY!".
Things got so out of hand by the 1930s that the chairman of the League Of Nations, Paulo Meenty-Fraishness, demanded an end to, or at least a reduction of, all the suck-flinging, and as such introduced the Anti-Suck Brigade. After World War II, the failure of the League and the conception of the UN, the committee changed its name to the Council on Countries that Suck.
The Chairperson of the Council (Note: the term is Chairperson, not Chairman, ever since the Council was infected by a terrorist vial of Political Correctness in the 1970s) is a title awarded every ten years to the person who has shown the most audacious excellence in the field of totally failing to suck, man. Only eight people have held the title since 1945:
- Johnny "John-John" Jones-Johnson, USA, 1945-1955
- Sebastien Chien-Saucisson, France, 1955-1965
- Nlaak Hnukgack, Hertziaustrovakia, 1965-1972 (killed by Political Correctness overdose; walked over a manhole cover and committed suicide)
- Hrnyznr Rnyhnrzy, Kyrgyzstan, 1972-1982
- Hans Christian Andersen, The Land That Time Forgot, 1982-1992
- Katie "Jordan" Price, Mediocre Britain, 1992-2002
- Mahmood Abdul-Bitchslap, Allah's Divine Dictatorship of Hezbollahland, 2002-2002 (died due to consuming at a Beirut McDonalds a McFelafel contaminated with amoebic dysentery and cyanide)
- Your Mom, Madland, 2002-
edit Annual Suckiness Report and Award
Every year, the Council on Countries that Suck releases its Annual Suckiness Report, highlighting the country that it believes to have totally and utterly sucked the most over the past year.
Often, its findings are meeted with outrage from the UN ambassador of the country voted as the suckiest in the world. However, in most cases, other UN ambassadors meet the report with their full and unwaivering approval.
The suckingest country in the world is awarded every 25th of December at the UN headquarters in Grimsby. The ambassador from the country in question is called up to the central podium, where they are awarded with a small gold-plated trophy depicting a vaccum cleaner, a bottle of Babycham and a gift voucher for a free Big Mac at their local McDonalds.
edit Countries that have sucked: The complete list
- 1945: No award: the Council members were still working out where their clothes pegs were.
- 1946: Everywhere
- 1947: Romania
- 1948: The United Nations
- 1949: Belarus
- 1950: The United Nations
- 1951: Romania
- 1952: Your pants
- 1953: Uruguay (beat Brazil 2-1 on penalties)
- 1954: The United Nations
- 1955: Luxembourg / Liechtenstein (joint award, although the two are so small that, when joined together, it only really counts as half an award)
- 1956: Moresnet
- 1957: Mordor
- 1958: Estonia (in exile)
- 1959: Holy Roman Empire (lifetime achievement award)
- 1960: The United Nations
- 1961: Romania
- 1962: Romania
- 1963: No award: No one at the council could be arsed to write out the report.
- 1964: The United Nations
- 1965: Mediocre Britain
- 1966: Canada
- 1967: Everything west from Japan
- 1968: The United Nations
- 1969: The United Nations
- 1970: Chad
- 1971: Burrowing Nation of Burundi
- 1972: The United Nations
- 1973: Heaven / Hell (joint award)
- 1974: Duchy of Bjork
- 1975: Romania
- 1976: Romania
- 1977: Romania (hat-trick; Romania gets to keep the trophy)
- 1978: The United Nations
- 1979: The United Nations
- 1980: France or something like that
- 1981: The United Nations
- 1982: The USSR / The USA (joint award)
- 1983: The United Nations
- 1984: People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata
- 1985: New Zeeland
- 1986: Romania
- 1987: The United Nations
- 1988: The United Nations
- 1989: Romania
- 1990: Staples Inc
- 1991: The United Nations
- 1992: Ireland (special award for Riverdance)
- 1993: The United Nations
- 1994: Empire of Antarctica
- 1995: Romania
- 1996: Romania
- 1997: Romania
- 1998: Romania
- 1999: Romania / Remaking Singapore (joint award)
- 2000: Romania (special "Suckingest country of the millenniumiumium" award)
- 2001: Romania
- 2002: Romania
- 2003: Romania
- 2004: Romania
- 2005: Iraq
- 2006: Iraq
- 2007: North Korea
- 2008: China
- 2009: The United Nations
- 2010: Libya
- 2011: Afghanistan--as it is commonly believed. However, some believe EU will get the award.
The 2005 country is been announced. It was commonly thought that Cadbury, would be the suckiest country for reducing the size of Curly Wurlys for the thirtieth year in a row. However, they lost to Iraq. This broke Romania's recent stranglehold on the award.
Romania has won the award a record-breaking 19 times. Bizarrely, the United Nations itself has won the award 17 times, and may well beat Romania's record if the pioneering "Romanians Against Suckage" scheme goes ahead.
Recently, corruption within the council has ensured that the Canadian representatives have not won the award since 1966, despite attempting to foist such delicacies as "Beaver on a Stick" and "Cream of Preston Manning Soup" upon unsuspecting delegates. The Canadian ambassador to the UN, Bruce Eh, has noted on more than one occasion that Romania has bribed the chairperson of the council by offering a lifetime's supply of Dacia.
edit The Future of the Council
The Council is likely to be expanded to include individual cities and, if they're lucky, people. George Dubya Bush has already been ear-marked for an award if the latter takes place.