Council Bluffs

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“At first glance, I wished to wash away mine eyes with soap.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Viewing Council Bluffs
Abeate
President Lincoln had his fill of nonpareils during his recent visit to Council Bluffs, Iowa. They later named this park for him.

Council Bluffs is an imaginary town at the west end of the imaginary state of Iowa. It is about a stone's throw from Omaha, which is known worldwide as the World's Biggest Landfill, across the Misery River. Council Bluffs is home to several casinos, gamblers, trailer trash, and converted Nebraskans. Local residents are proudly referred to as "Counciltuckians". Home of many Iowegians. (And Nebraskans that refuse to pay taxes.) IOWA stands for "Idiots Out Wandering Around".

Some say that "Omaha" can often be used as a synonym to nowhere as is the case in Bob Seger's "Turn the Page," but Seger actually says "east of Omaha," which would be Council Bluffs.

edit Origin of Name

Council Bluffs (also known as Counciltucky) got its name from some lost Hawaiians who regularly held council meetings on the Loess Hills. Their wives found out they were playing strip club poker and called their bluffs. Hence the name "Council Bluffs". Interestingly enough, "Council Bluffs" also means "Godforsaken wasteland" in the language of the (Dakota) Lakota Sioux Indians.

edit Food

The local newspaper, The Daily Nonpareil, was named after the "sprinkle-coated" chocolate candy, one of the four major food groups in Council Bluffs, (the other three being beer, whiskey, and corn.) The city will soon be adding a fifth food group: beer-battered fish, after the recent opening of a Bass Pro Shop.

edit Recreation

In more recent times, Council Bluffs residents became bored with greyhound racing and built casinos so they could gamble deep into the night and allegedly stealing money from the cornholing Omahans. This also gave the town a big head as it saw itself as the new Las Vegas of the Midwest. This inspired the famous series of books by Laura Ingalls Wilder (not Oscar Wilde) entitled "Little Whores On The Prairie."

Council Bluffians are also fond of their riverfront parks where they can look on the Omaha skyline with wonder and awe, imagining what it is like to live in a a real place where they may have a future. This has led to legislation advocating a footbridge across the Missouri River into Omaha. Omaha has tried to block this legislation to no avail.

Recently the Omaha World-Herald reported that Minutemen have left their posts on the Mexican border, wishing to secure this footbridge. Minuteman Harley Baker called the footbridge "a threat to everything that is good in the world." Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel agreed, saying, "Now that Iraq has been defeated, Iowa enters the empty spot in the 'Axis of Evil.'" What Hagel failed to mention, however, was that the state of Nebraska originally applied for that open position on the Axis, but their application was denied when even Iran and Korea would not lower themselves to become allied with Nebraskans.

edit Economy

100% of the economy in Council Bluffs is payed for by broken automatic traffic lights with far too short yellows. By making the yellow only 2 seconds, unsuspecting visitors from Omaha get caught going through red lights and are auto-magically mailed fake tickets from Arizona for over $100. By investing this ill-gotten money in infrastructure, rather that saving it for a rainy day, the leaders of Council Bluffs hope the inevitable class-action lawsuit that they will lose is not collectible, and thus will not destroy the city financially. Most of the Omaha drivers just ignore the tickets anyway, but some are retarded enough to pay them, and keep the city building roads with holes in them.

edit Schools

Council Bluffs is home to a some of the best academic institutions in the Council Bluffs area. In fact, the Daily Nonpareil once reported that "[Council Bluffs] is home to some of the best academic institutions in the Council Bluffs area." These schools include:

edit Abraham Lincoln High School

Abraham Lincoln High School (or AL - meaning All Losers - as it is known by natives) is known for its superb forest and high percentage of middle-class drug-users. The school colors are red and blue, and the mascot is a parking lot with too-little parking. Every year, the AL-ian (pronounced like "aliens") Senior Class pranks their own school or have a giant cocaine orgy because they're just that "cool".

edit Iowa School for the Deaf

Iowa School for the Deaf (ISD) is a heavily guarded fortress surrounded by little league football, soccer, and baseball fields. Few have ever entered its doors and escaped alive with pleasure. Those who have are often driven to insanity by whatever it is that they experience in those silent halls.

edit Iowa Western Community College

Iowa Western Community College (IWCC) (pronounced "I wish I was smart enough to go to a better college.") is home to students from all over the Council Bluffs area. It is an ideal choice for those high school students who are a) stupid, b) dumb and poor, or c) dumb and poor and in a dead-end relationship. IWCC is known for absolutely nothing aside from its placement at the end of a maze-like system of canyons and tunnels. In a college pamphlet sent out to all of the special education rooms in the surrounding high schools, an IWCC student is quoted saying, "Oh Iowa Western is a great place to be (sad)."

edit Lewis Central Middle School

Lewis Central Middle School (LC) (or Loser Central as it is known by natives) is also centrally located in the one wealthy rich areas of Council Bluffs. Only students whose parents can afford high class Xanax are admitted. The school usually resembles either a bouncy castle or a steaming puddle of shit.

edit Lewis Central High School

Lewis Central High School (or Loser Central as it is known by natives) is centrally located in the one wealthy rich areas of Council Bluffs. For this reason, only students whose parents can afford high class amphetamines are admitted. The school is remodeled once a week and usually resembles either a bouncy castle, a space station, or a heaping pile of gold. In a recent study that I made up for this article, "87 percent of Lewis Central students go on to a illustrious career working for daddy."

edit Saint Albert's High School

Saint Albert's High School (St. Albert's High School) (or Saint Albert's as it is known by natives) is the only private high school in the Council Bluffs area, and is frequented only by the most religious of students. Situated on a hill only a few blocks away from AL, Saint Albert's is known for its intelligent student population and chaste women. Not much else is known about this [enter religious denomination here] school.

edit Thomas Jefferson High School

Thomas Jefferson High School is the poorest and ghettoist of the CB high schools and situated only a few short blocks from the illustrious Adult Emporium, TJ (as it is known by natives) is the only high school on the west side of the viaduct (a thousand foot tall bridge that splits the city in two). TJ is mostly known for its transportation system, athletics, nice ass (I mean grass), and total lack of black people. The railroad track that splits the school in two is famous for being really fucking dumb and the school's faculty members are constantly fired. TJ's superb varsity football team is currently ranked last in the entire imaginary state of Iowa. TJ kids are often known to tell each other to "Party on, Wayne" to which the other participant responds, "Party on, Garth".

edit Suburbs

Council Bluffs has a number of suburbs (3).

edit Carter Lake

Carter Lake - In 1903, the people of Council Bluffs (then called [co]Kanesville) realized that the nearby town of Carter Lake was a gateway to Hell, Demons, zombies, and mullets were spewing out of the brown waters of Carter Lake and infecting innocent Counciltuckians. In order to quell this disaster, the Kanesville Senate voted to blow the Missouri River out of its banks to drown the decrepit citizens of Carter Lake. Unfortunately, they only managed to alter the river's course, leaving Carter Lake in Nebraska territory, and the disgusting citizens of CL managed to live on and flourish. The descendants of those demons, zombies and mullets still reside in Carter Lake (a magical spell prevents them from setting foot outside of the town). It is a town of constant turmoil, with gang wars destroying whole city blocks. Visitors of CL should prepare for mullets, dying lakes, and crocodiles.

edit Omaha

Omaha - Contrary to popular belief, Omaha is actually a suburb of Council Bluffs and not the other way around. When the ancient Council Bluffians first built their golden city, they cast their criminals and pedophiles into the river. Many of these criminals and pedophiles managed to swim to the other side of the river, but millions were lost (which is why the Missouri is so icky now). These lucky few flourished by raping animals, children, and each other, and soon Omaha was born. The natural resentment that the Omaha citizens have for Counciltuckians is deeply rooted in their genetics for this reason.

edit Treynor

Treynor - Treynor is a small town full of wealthy "Deutsch bag" snobs, about 15 miles from Council Bluffs. In early 2007, it was voted "The Best Place to Find the Worst Girlfriends." It is a a real place!!

edit Tourism

Very few tourists actually visit Council Bluffs. This is because, in order to visit CB, they must either fly into Omaha and drive through Carter Lake. Or, more likely, because they're just smart enough to stay the hell away.

Even more recently, President Abe Lincoln visited the town and a park was named after him. Bluffs residents often build these types of parks to attract wildlife away from their precious trailer parks. Bayliss Park is an example, as it features a glorified watering hole (or fountain) for drinking, bathing, and watering cattle. Tourists must plan accordingly as no roads or flights lead to Council Bluffs.

This is because of a 1971 Nebraska State Law LB 121-789a "The Pure Nebraska Act" which orders that no "Counciltuckian" may mate with any Nebraskan. An amendment to that act in 1972 ordered that no Iowan may enter Nebraska -- an ironic and unnecessary law, as no Iowans would dare wish to enter Nebraska. Both these laws were enacted because extensive medical research showed that Iowans and "Counciltuckians" in particular were inflicted with numerous genetic defects and smaller brains. This has been caused by centuries of inbreeding. [citation needed]

In 1973, Congress enacted the "WDAIIPOTU Act", the We Don't Acknowledge Iowa Is Part of the Union Act. This closed all roads, rails, and flight paths to Iowa. This has caused a significant decline in tourism. However, when local rednecks, inbreds, and trailer trash go to the casino to spend their welfare and child support, Council Bluffs counts this as "Tourism."

If one gets lost on the way to Omaha (not necessarily a bad thing) and ends up in Council Bluffs, be sure to visit the "World's Biggest Douchebag". His name is Willie. Feel free to kick him in the testicles, and help future generations be spared of douchebaggery.

edit Sports

Council Bluffs is also the home of the Omaha Lancers imaginary hockey team, formerly known as River City Lancers, formerly known as Omaha Lancers. The team moved to Iowa, changed its name, (and now changed its name back to the original name). In the future, the team will move back to Nebraska and eventually cease to exist. Or split into 2 different teams.

Council Bluffs is also home to a minor league Arena Football team. The Council Bluffs Hawkeye Pierces don't actually have an arena to play in (all arenas in Iowa were converted to wheat storage facilities in 1985 by an act of Congress), so they play at Carlos Martinez High School field, where they just put up a big wall at the 50-yard line. Their only victory came in 2006 over a barnstorming team of Mormon missionaries, the Mormonic Plague, when they blocked a last-second field goal attempt by grabbing the kickers' necktie to preserve a 217-215 win.

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