Cottage cheese

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“The only food I enjoy more than...real cheese! That reminds me of the time was I talking about again? Oh, yes, cottage cheese. Why is it called cottage cheese? Is it made out of cottages?... It is?!”
~ Rambling Old Man on cottage cheese
“When they cut me open, it was Cottage cheese that was clogging up my colon. Thank you very much.”
~ Elvis Presley on his post mortem

Cottage cheese is an English delicacy created in the early 17th century by a chef who dreamt up the receipe after slipping in vomit on a pavement outside a public house. As its name suggests, it is indeed cheese used to construct cottages.

Cottage cheese is made up of tiny little chunks of cheese called curds (from the British word meaning "ooh, chucky"). This makes it easy to eat out of a bowl, with a spoon, like soup. It also makes this the favorite cheese of anyone with laser feet because it doesn't fall apart in their shoes like other inferior cheese creations.

There are several well-known types. Low-fat cottage cheese is the healthier and more naturally produced variety, good for lowering risk of dissociative shock and post-traumatic stress syndrome. Large curd cottage cheese is used for that edgy rough exterior in early 21st century southwest design. Cottage-free cottage cheese is restricted for use only by high-ranking government officials. Finally, Cottage Industry Cheese is meth[1]. Don't act like you don't know.


Mouldy cheese

Some traditional cottage cheese. Yum?

In the late Protazoic period, cavemen found themselves without a place to live, as their houses were being taken over by the slightly homicidal Cave Grues One bright caveman sadly sat down to get some cheese. Then... inspiration struck, killing five others and burning said caveman's hair. His hair was mildly singed, but he had a great idea! The caveman realized he could make a new house out of cheese! He proceeded to run around and tell all of his friends.

And then he died.

However, his friends and family carried on his brilliant idea. They got lots of cheese, then decided to sculpt their house out of it. Before long, they had a beautiful house!

Then the dinosaurs came along and ate their house.

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea..." one cave-person muttered.

"Duh," said a nearby caveman, and smacked him upside the head with a billy club.

Cottage Cheese Today

Nowadays, cottage cheese is usually not utilized as a building material. However, there are a few cheese fanciers who dedicate every August 27th to constructing houses out of cheese. One cheese fancier, who would not give his name, says, "Cottage cheese is an important relic from our past. Only by understanding the past can we- OH MY GOD A DINOSAUR!" There are also people who study the cheese, insisting that you can smoke it and get real high, man, yeah.

Other Meanings

"Cottage Cheese" is also the medical name of a genital condition primarily associated with the practices of unhygenic vagrants who eke out a small living proffering their sexual services to Businessmen in public lavatories. It has been alleged that the downy white fluff which appears around the mouth 2 to 3 days after fellating unwashed homeless males is evidence enough to provide Police with grounds for prosecution.

See also


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