Cottage Cheese

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"Come one. Come all. My boobs leak cottage cheese." (Oprah on breastfeeding the world)



Many TV chefs badmouth cottage cheese, whining that it tastes bad and can't be used in any recipes (fucking crybabies, all of them!). To overlook cottage cheese is to do without a great source of lean fiber and a versatile food.

High in fiber, low in fat, and great as a substitute for real cheeses or cheeses that actually have flavor, cottage cheese is truly the food of the gods. This rare and highly sought after cheese is available only at gas stations and health food stores, but is well worth the extra time and effort needed to include this dumpy delicacy in your gourmet repetoire.

History

Also known as farmer's cheese or that cheese that looks like vomit, or that cheese that smells exactly the same fresh as when it goes bad, this type of cheese derived its name from the cottages it's made out of (how they manage to actually milk them, and what they are fed etc., has never been clearly established) (in bed). Originally mistaken for cud, a byproduct of cows discovered by NASA scientists in 1943, it was soon labelled a food product and later adapted for religious ceremonies by a group of German nuns, and has since been served in nunnerys for the past 200 years. (in bed) This cheese tastes great by itself or with fruit added to it right before it is served. (in bed) It is always preferable to get the fruit's permission first.(in bed)

WARNING: Speaking of vomit, one would be wise to first check the expiration date on the carton before opening it (in bed). Spoiled cottage cheese is, in unrefined form, the basis for a gorge-inducing chemical weapon (in bed). See also: Chanel No. 5, Yogurt (in bed).

Make your own

INGREDIENTS

1 bucket Curdled Cottage Milk

4 oz. lithium culture

1/4 tab Rennet

.. Mix 1 chopped cottage with 4 oz. of lithium starter. . Mix 1/4 tab Rennet into two tablespoons of COOL water. Mix this into the cottage mixture thoroughly using a whisk and stirring for at least 5 minutes. . Cover and set aside to ripen for about 20 hours at room temp (70 F / 21 C).

Recipes

Cottage Cheese Potato Topper

1/2 cup cottage cheese

Freshly chopped herbs: parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (suggestion: skip it, too much work)

Salt to taste

Splash of lemon pledge (optional)

Combine above ingredients in blender. Serve over hot baked potatoes.


Lasagne

Use cottage cheese in place of noodles, mozarella, and spaghetti sauce in your favourite lasagne recipe to reduce the overall calories and saturated fat. Regular cottage cheese works better than lowfat cheese here.

It has been noted that if you combine an "Anticheese", aka tofu, with some cottage cheese, you get a mushroom cloud. But, ironically, if you combine yogurt with sour cream, you get cottage cheese. This syndrome is frequently referred to by nuclear scientists as como si = como se.

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